I shove my hands through my curls as I slump forward. “I’m doing my best. I don’t understand why we have to wait to kill him. Why can’t we take care of it and get it over with?”
“You ready to kill him?”
I take a pause, unsure if I could. “I don’t want him, but I don’t know if I can kill him.”
Nathan shifts, scooting closer to me. He whispers, “Why didn’t you tell me there was an issue?”
I meet his brown eyes. “What do you mean?”
He gestures to himself. “You hate this, right?”
“I hate this situation with Roehl. I don’t hate you. I don’t like who you’ve become also because of Roehl. The secrets, the attitude, the disconnection. But I don’t hate us.”
“You know you and Glen’s predicaments are not the same.”
“I know that she was forced, and I chose. I also know you and Scott both hide and hold information from us. And make us forget things.”
Nathan shakes his head. “The only things I make you forget are your dreams of Roehl, and I clear your feelings for him. That is selfish of me. But with the way you act when you realize it, or you wake up from a dream, you should be grateful I do.”
“You should be grateful I’m so understanding.” A part of me feels a little guilty, as if I’m cheating on him and somehow getting away with it. The other part of me wants to punch for being so indifferent and not understanding. “You really need to take a step back and see this from my perspective, Nate. It may be bad for you, but it’s worse for me. To not have control or a say in my decisions.”
Despair sinks over him, and he bites his trembling lip. His right hand glides over his forehead and thrusts through his hair. There’s a subtle huff.
A breeze causes my curtains to dance and cools my room. I face Nathan and sit on my knees. “Talk to me,” I encourage, rubbing his back.
He leans over on his knees. “It’s messed up, Sparks, and I can’t do anything about it. It goes beyond just you and me. I sit back with you and try to seem alright, but I’m not okay with my mate, the woman who is supposed to only be meant for me, being enraptured by another man. And it has to be the man who has caused my family so much damage already. The only way I have to stop it is by taking it away from you, and that’s not really stopping it, ‘cause you’re still going through it. But this is every day, every night this happens. And I have to feel you enjoy it as you think about him and what you want to do with him. Feel your confusion and want shift from me to him, and most of the time he trumps me. That’s what kills me. I don’t want to lose you, Sparks, but I feel you slipping away from me by the day.
“Then I have to worry about my sister. She doesn’t care, and is more selfish, risking other’s lives to save her own. I can’t understand what has gotten into her. She was never like this.” He shifts uncomfortably, regaining the tension I’d eased. “We fix Glen and Scott, just for them to get worse. She tried to kill herself and thinks Monahan really loves her, thinks she’s in love with Monahan. Scott is ready to rip his heart out because not only has his mate chosen another man, but she is willing and ready to leave Scott. No, she’s left Scott. I cannot get to that level.” His words are rushed and forceful, although he keeps his voice low. “I can’t become that damaged.”
I interlock our fingers and pull him with me to my bed. Leaning against the wall, I move him to lie against me. Nathan wraps an arm around my middle and rubs my thigh with the other. I massage his neck and shoulder, relieving him by my touch as he comforts me with his.
“We’ll fix it,” I assure him, comforted by his relaxing sigh.
“We will,” he confirms. “At least your parents are no longer an issue.”
“Are you still planning to move?”
“Yes. Do you want to stay and continue to deal with the same shit?”
“After we take care of Roehl, it should be better, right?”
“That’s the same thing we thought after we got rid of my father.”
I suppress a shudder. We did think everything was over after Mr. Newcomb died, and now it’s worse. “Nate, I don’t mean to hurt you.”
“It’s not your fault, Sparks. Not at all.”
Glen must be miserable too. I can’t say she’s wrong for believing her life was better before she mated with Scott. Especially now that she’s juggling her feelings for him and Monahan. “Huh, is Monahan dead?”
“No.”
I snort. “Figures. What do we do about that?”
“Just as you need to kill Roehl, she needs to kill him.”
“Damn.” I slouch further to get more comfortable. “You feel a little better?”
“Yes, Sparks. Thank you. Do you mind clearing my head? A distraction would be nice?”
I smile. “Yes. I can do that.” I let a familiar dream coast through my mind. One of Nathan and me, years from now; us married and in a house of our own. There are three kids, two girls and a boy who favor us without question. We sit in our backyard, overlooking a small lake. The kids are out on a boat and our dog, a shaggy little monster drops on the ground, laying in front of Nathan and me. He’s drenched from playing in the water, and we block ourselves when he shakes off the excess. Nathan complains, and I laugh. We’re older, maybe Natalia’s age now. Nathan holds me in his old arms, kisses my cheek, and thanks me once again. It never gets old. There’s no worry in our children, in us, in this life. It’s so real; we can smell the water and our wet dog, hear the laughing in the distance, and feel the breeze against our skin. A hallucination I wouldn’t dare be ashamed of.
Nathan dozes off with the help of me running my fingers through his hair. He’s peaceful, and it feels good to settle his anxieties for once.
When the time comes, I will kill Roehl. I have to. I’d never want this to end.
Focusing on Nathan, his thoughts travel to me, fading first before I’m able to see them clearer. There are images of the dream I showed him, and then still images of me. I’m all over his mind, shots of me in every emotion. A distant anger surges in him and sadness runs him over. His family sits back in his thoughts, fading in and out as he’s trying to forget. More images of me push past them, blocking out the anger and sadness. I’m his coping mechanism in a way I don’t realize.
comfortable misery
Mom knocks on my door.
Nathan jumps up, glaring at me, eyes red and tired. I touch his cheek and lean forward to kiss him. He relaxes and indulges in my caress, pulling me beneath him.
“Hey,” I whisper.
“Mmm.” He kisses me again. “Hi,” he matches my quiet.
Mom knocks again. “Tracey, are you coming down for dinner?”
“Yes, Mom. I’ll be down in a minute.”
Her soft steps fade as she leaves from my door and heads down the stairs.
Getting lost in Nathan’s swirling brown eyes, I ask, “Good sleep?”
“Yes, thanks.” He lifts his gaze to the ceiling and chuckles. “I see you were up to something while I slept.”
I shrug. “Just curious.”
“And what did you see?”
“Me.”
He nods, leaning down on me. “Told you.”
“Shut up,” I joke, wrapping my legs and arms around him.
“I’m sorry, and I love you. We’re good?”
“Absolutely. No more secrets.”
He sits up and stretches his arms over his head. “Well then, we have a lot to talk about.”
“That scares me,” I say skeptically.
“Not yet.” Leaving a kiss on my cheek, he stands. “Go to dinner. Want me to come back tonight or should we break for a bit?”
I grab his arm as he’s heading for the window. “No, I’m not ready for you to go yet. No way are we breaking. You’ve been gone from me almost two days.”
“I know,” he mutters, looking away from me. “I needed to get my head together.” I reach under his shirt, pushing across his back for a hug. “It’s a lot going on. And yes, it hurts, and I don�
�t know how to deal with it. Remember, just like this is all new to you, it’s new to me too.”
He’s right. Not like he’s ever been mated and knows how to deal with any of this stuff. We’re both new to this. “I see.”
“I don’t do well with feelings—my feelings. And it’s better for you—for me—to walk away because I don’t want to end up saying something I don’t mean, or lashing out at you for something you can’t control.”
“You have done that. I made you that mad?”
“You don’t, but the situation does. It takes me a minute, at times, for comprehension to kick in. And I know it’s not right for me to leave you alone, but I’m always going to come back. I shouldn’t have made you feel like this was your fault. Sorry about what I said the other night.”
I press my face to his stomach and breathe him in. I wish things were different. Better. Like before. “I guess it’s a test to our relationship.”
“Maybe. Go, head downstairs. I’ll come to the door and stay around with you for a bit.”
“Okay,” I chirp. “See you downstairs.”
I leave my room and sit at the dinner table. I still don’t have an appetite. A knock sounds against the door as I’m spreading my napkin. Dad rises, and I stop him, “I’ll get it,” I say, waving for him to sit.
“It must be Nathan,” Glen sasses, rolling her eyes.
I ignore her, heading for the front door. If she’s going to be like this, she’s going to have to find somewhere else to sleep.
Opening the door to Nathan, I greet, “Hey, stranger.”
“Wassup?”
“Getting ready to eat. Want to join?”
He comes in and closes the door behind him. “Where’re your parents?”
“In the dining room, come on.”
Walking in behind me, Nathan greets, “Hello, Mr. Warren, Karen.”
“Hi, Nathan. If I had known you were coming, I would have made you a plate.”
“No trouble, Karen. I’m not hungry.”
“Hello, Nathan. How are things?” Dad asks in a light-hearted voice. Much different from the angered one he’s been using with him over the last few months.
“Well. Thank you for asking, sir. You?” Nathan takes the seat next to me after scooting my chair up once I’ve sat.
“Things are fine. I’m assuming Tracey has told you the news?”
“No, sir. What news?” He looks at me with expectant eyes. His acting ability is frightening.
“We have decided she can stay here when we move.” An eager smile accommodates Dad’s wide eyes as he’s anticipating Nathan’s happiness to their decision.
Nathan doesn’t disappoint, beaming from ear to ear, he gracefully exclaims, “That is news, Sparky. When were you going to tell me?”
It’s contagious. The brightest of smiles warms my cheeks. “Later,” I answer, turning to Dad. “Thanks again.”
He nods, starting back in on his plate.
“Nathan, are you in school or do you plan on going to school?” Mom asks.
“Yes. I’m going to Bennington with Sparks.”
“So that’s the school you’re planning on going to!” Dad exclaims, as if finding out allowed him to crack the Tracey secret school code.
Nathan’s brows join. “You didn’t tell them?”
“Tracey hasn’t done much talking. You should know that, Nathan,” Glen states sourly, speaking his name as if it’s a disease.
Nathan leans forward and has to crane his neck to eye her sitting on my other side. “Not right now, Glen,” he states sternly.
Dad studies them. “Is everything okay?”
“Everything is just peachy, Mr. Warren,” Glen says with a sarcasm thicker than my baked potato. She then rises from her seat and comes to stand between Nathan and me. “If you’re going to be over here for a while, can you drop me off at my house?”
Nathan’s face falls in a way that relays he’s about to give bad news. “I’m sorry, Glen,” he says sympathetically. “Scott dropped me off. Looks like you’ll have to walk,” he kindly recommends.
I shake my head, closing my eyes before slowly reopening them. Damn these two. Just why can’t it all be like it was before? We all got along so well.
“Right,” Glen retorts. There’s always an issue when your best friend doesn’t get along with your boyfriend.
Dad stares at Glen and Nathan, acknowledging the tension building between the two of them. I cut in, “Glen, if you’re finished eating, maybe you should go sit in the family room. Watch a movie or something.”
She rolls her eyes, leaving.
After she’s left the room, Dad asks, “Nathan, is everything alright between you two?”
“Yes sir, everything’s fine.”
“Glen and Scott aren’t doing well right now, and with Nathan being his cousin and me being with him. Eh. . . It makes things uncomfortable,” I finish his answer.
“Should we make arrangements to drop Glen off at home?” Mom asks.
I shake my head. “Scott’s over there. To keep down the drama, it’s best she stays,” I say, hoping to make them think she’s going to Nathan’s instead of her home.
Dad nods, turning down the corners of his mouth. “Okay. So, Bennington is a good school. Why didn’t you want to tell me? How was it going to get paid for?” He glares at me through his lashes, adding, “And you better not say Nathan is going to pay for it, or I’m changing my mind about you moving.”
I laugh. “No, I got a scholarship. You know, good grades and good behavior do pay off.”
He holds his head high; a proud expression dressing his face and lightening his deep brown eyes. “That’s spectacular, Ladybug. Good job!”
“Thank you.”
“That is good, honey! I’m proud of you.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
“What’ll you major in, Ladybug?”
“I’m starting off with my Bachelor’s in Social Science.”
His eyes widen. “Watch out, Nathan, she may try to use some of that psychology on you,” he jokes.
“Tell me about it,” Nathan follows.
“What about you, Nathan? Do you have any more room under your belt for another degree?”
They laugh. “A little. I’m going for graphic design so I can stop paying people to make my websites. And maybe help in 3D designs. I get a lot of calls requesting my advice on building plans and structures. It would be nice if I could turn my words into visual aids and stamp an ‘NCB Industry Design’ on the window of a completed skyscraper.”
“My man!” Dad cheers, clapping. “I like the way you think. Keep some money in your pocket and expand your business!”
“Precisely.”
“Right, Dad. Make sure you stack your pennies though. Bennington’s only the beginning while we wait for Nathan’s Washington plans to come together. Nathan and I are also planning to study abroad.”
Nathan laughs as Dad asks, “Where?”
“Belgium,” Nathan answers.
“Wow. That will be a culture change for you, honey. Very exciting.”
“It is,” Dad agrees with an admirable grin. “Glad to hear you’re interested in exploring other ventures!”
“Right. So, French is a second language Nathan and I share, and we thought it’d be cool to study in another country or two after we go to school locally.”
Dad’s a face full of smiles; small, big, cheesy, bashful, proud. This is my father who I’ve loved and raised me. It’s a breath of fresh air to have my real dad back.
We sit around the dinner table talking for a while until Mom starts cleaning, and then we go to the family room where Glen’s balled up on the love-seat. She looks to be having a nightmare. I should wake her.
“Let her sleep, Sparks. She’s fine.”
Dad talks over me, saying, “Nathan, I’m trusting you’ll take care of Tracey while she is here. I don’t want to have to come back here to take care of you.”
I throw Dad a furious glare. What a threat
that was?
“I understand,” Nathan says. “You can trust I will take care of her. You have my word.”
“Don’t hurt my daughter, Nathan. I love her dearly.”
“I guarantee you that will not happen.”
“Good. Now, I still don’t feel comfortable with her living with you and your family.”
“I understand that as well. I’ve been considering moving.”
Here he goes. . .
Dad smiles but knits his brows. “I thought you were the family man.”
Nathan doesn’t return it. “I am, but my family gives me a headache, putting stress on me we don’t need right now. Plus, Sparks is used to the small house, small family lifestyle. I understand you’re not comfortable with her living with me. But if she isn’t able to get a dorm room on campus, I was going to get a place.”
“Oh.” Dad seems a bit taken aback. He crosses his legs and leans back on the sofa with his arms also crossed. “How do you feel about that, Ladybug?”
I know how Nathan feels about his family, but it looks as if there is no avoiding him wanting to leave them. “I agree with what he said.”
“That’s a short, not thorough answer.” Dad’s right. But I need to talk to Nathan about it first. Try to convince him not to leave.
There is no convincing me, Sparks. We aren’t living there. Bottom line.
Fine. “I’m comfortable with or without his family When he moves, though, many of them will still be around.”
Dad sits back, analyzing this new information. Nathan was honest with him. Just an okay, or we’ll work it out wouldn’t have sufficed, I assume. He wanted to give the whole truth. He does this with Mom too, just tells everything.
You know you will really hurt your mom if you leave, I tell Nathan.
Yes. I know.
But you still want to go?
Yes, and accept that.
I shake my head, diverting my attention back to my thoughts.
Dad clears his throat. “I have to figure out how I feel about this. Being honest with myself, I do trust you, Nathan, but there are other things that concern me.” Don’t say it, don’t say it. “And those things can lead to other headaches and stress that you two equally do not need.”
Brazen: A Dark Paranormal Romance (The Sephlem Trials Book 2) Page 29
