Lick'd

by Susan Berran

  I wish we’d thought of that.

  The music went on and we could hear them searching the kitchen for party food. We crawled out of our space and crept along the verandah, poking our heads up at every window trying to see what they were up to. The party seemed to move very quickly into full swing. The guinea pigs were making the coffee; Mademoiselle La De Dah poodle was painting her toe claws with nail polish. The hamster was doing backstroke in a huge class bowl of soft drink on the coffee table. Some of the others were watching the cartoons on tele’ and Fluff Butt was sitting back reading the newspaper and getting her coffee delivered.

  So when were they going to install the transmitter to report back to their home planet? Or adjust the electricity frequency so they could use mind control to take over Mrs Duckson and make her to give us so much homework that we would want to run away? But they didn’t need to brain-wash her, she was already doing that. When were they going to do anything apart from party? For three hours they ate and drank. Yeah, the ‘mice plague’ had just happened at Mrs D’s.

  We took turns keeping watch through the window when Fluff Butt all of a sudden made a move. This was it! The music went off … just like at Aunty Ree’s. They ran around cleaning up … just like at Aunty Ree’s. Then they all gathered around the table and Fluff Butt seemed to be giving out instructions over another piece of paper … just like at Aunty Ree’s. And then …

  oh, oh. We dived off the verandah, crushing the garden below and rolled underneath into the dirt and cobwebs just in time. The door opened and the animals all headed off. Back down the road and very quickly off into the distance. They were gone.

  We let ourselves in with the key. I’d never been in a teacher’s house before. There were shelves lining every wall, each one stacked to the top with big heavy books. No doubt all the latest information on how to torture kids by giving them enough homework to take away all their playtime … and of course, how to slowly bore kids to death in class. As we looked around it was obvious that there wasn’t a scrap of food left, except for a box of health bars. Gee thanks. And considering they had put all the rubbish in the bin and Mrs D was quite possibly a bit brighter than Booga’s mum and definitely way smarter than Toffee’s mum, I wasn’t quite sure the mouse plague idea would work here. The only clue we had was the bit of paper in the bin and hopefully, this one would have more of their master plan.

  We didn’t want what happened at Aunty Ree’s to happen at Mrs D’s. If they ever found out, we’d be vaporized. So we opened the bin very carefully and just picked through the rubbish one bit at a time.

  “I think this is it,” Jared said, still in a very high-pitched voice. It was chewed up, but at least it was still all there. I just wanted to get out of there before we destroyed her house too. So we decided to take the paper back to our tent. We put the rubbish back into the bin and gently slid it into the corner. Then we tiptoed up the hallway to the front door, peeked around the corner … all clear. All we had to do was walk out the front door and gently pull it behind us to lock it … gently pull the door … pull the door … pull the . . . oh c’mon … pulll… Slam!!!

  “Ahh, Sam … don’t look,” said Jared peering through the tall thin window beside the front door. I instantly looked of course and just inside the door was a very small round table with a very fancy tall glass vase on it … and it was now swaying back and forth from the door’s vibration.

  “Get the key, get the key!” I yelled to Jared … the vase was still swaying … He reached into the lamp, grabbed the key … the vase was still swaying … he fumbled the key into the lock … the vase was still swaying … he pushed the door open …

  SMASH!! Tinkle, tinkle, tinkle . . .

  … the vase wasn’t swaying anymore. We shut the door again and put away the key. “Well, a shed and one vase isn’t so bad,” I said calmly to Jared.

  CRACK!! We looked at each other with growing fear, then in through the window. Some fragments of glass from the vase had shot tiny but deadly glass bullets into the huge mirror hanging over a small, fancy wooden table at the other end of the hall. The mirror had teeny-tiny cracks forming and growing, creeping out towards every edge like a complicated cobweb … it was crack-ing up. Suddenly a large piece broke away and fell straight down into the fruit bowl, and sliced an apple right in two.

  “And a mirror,” said Jared.

  Wham! Suddenly, the whole mirror fell away from the wall and onto the table below shattering on impact …

  BANG! Two of the table’s legs broke and it collapsed sideways … A candle rolled off the top of the table, onto the floor and into the other room. We ran around the verandah, shoving our faces against each window, searching for where the candle had gone to. There it was! The candle had rolled into the office and just tapped the tip of an umbrella that was standing against the wall. The umbrella fell and flipped a ruler that was hanging off the desk, the ruler twirled through the air like a baton and hit a bookend on the top shelf of the largest book cabinet . . . the bookend pushed a book over in the shelf and it pushed another and another and another . . . at least it would stop when it got to the end of the shelf. The last book hit the wall of the cabinet. PHEW it was over. But just then … CRACK … the whole side of the book cabinet just fell away …

  CRASH! The books went tumbling to the floor as each shelf collapsed down onto the one below it like a stack of cards. And as the very last book fell, it landed nicely on top of the television and flicked open to a lovely calm ocean scene. I only saw it for a second before the entire cabinet came crashing down to make a TV omelette, scrambled.

  I turned to Jared, who was just staring in through the window with his jaw locked wide-open and a string of dribble just starting to fall from the corner of his mouth.

  “So, do you think we could get the goats over here?” I said to him seriously. And then we rode … we rode away from Mrs Duckson’s house like there were killer bees after us … we rode like there was a clan of VAMPIRES after us … we rode like there was a clan of VAMPIRES spitting KILLER bees after us.

  Back at the tent we smoothed out the paper we’d found. It was an exact copy of the other map.

  There were only two things different; another house had been ‘PAW PRINTED’ and Mrs Duckson’s place had been ‘SLASHED’ just like the others. It seemed that once their little ‘mice and locust plague’ had been through and cleaned her place out of the only decent food, that they’d done what they set out to do. But we were sure they hadn’t hidden or built anything at Mrs D’s and there was no way we were going back in there to search for anything.

  There was only one way we were going to find out what was going on; we needed to go to the top, we needed to go to the pet shop! It hadn’t been open for a couple of weeks; I guess there were no more kids to sell a pet to. But that’s where everything had begun and that’s where we were hoping to find some answers.

  I wasn’t setting foot in anyone else’s house again until we knew what was going on … there wasn’t enough goats in the whole of Agnath to cover up our tracks, so I wasn’t taking any more chances.

  Our utility belts would be needing some new gear and there wasn’t much time to do it in. Jared wasn’t going to be much help for a while. He wanted me to get the SPLINTER out of his butt, but there was no way I was touching that butt, not for a BILLION BUCKS. So he headed off into the house to bend over in front of his mum’s mirror with a pair of tweezers and a tissue.

  Let’s just hope he doesn’t sneeze at the wrong moment.

  By the time he got back, I had a plan, all ready and set to go. I leapt onto my bike with Jared right behind me. We’d gone a fair way and Jared had been standing the whole time, because his backside was too sore to sit, so his legs were getting really tired. I began explaining my naturally incredible plan to him as he ever so gently and carefully sat down to rest his legs when …

  “Cattle grid!” I yelled. But I was just a split second too late.

  BUMP, BUMP, BUMP, BUMP … Jared went pale ins
tantly from the agony. Oops.

  It was a long ride. By the time the shop was in sight, I reckon Jared’s butt had swollen to twice the size. I was sort of expecting his butt to burst through his trousers any second. I’d be blinded by the sight of something looking like a baboon’s butt that’s been blown-up like a hot-air balloon. But at least we knew we wouldn’t have to worry about anyone being there. So we could take our time and have a really good look around searching for clues.

  Wow, it really was just a little crappy shop smack in the middle of nowhere and it looked DEAD … totally and utterly DE …

  “Duck!!” I yelled, giving Jared’s bike a massive kick in the side that sent him and his bicycle crashing off the road. Unfortunately, because of the long grass, I hadn’t noticed the really deep drainage channel that was right alongside the road. Jared flew into the ditch head-first and when his front wheel hit the bottom, he flipped over the handlebars like a pancake and landed flat on his back. Wow … it was really deep. I could only see the twisted back wheel of his bike still turning as it stuck out of the long, dead grass. A head suddenly poked up from nowhere …

  “What the hell did you do that for?” said Jared with steam pouring from his ears and sounding more than just a little annoyed.

  “A light in the store … I saw it just come on in the basement,” I said as I glided to a stop and carefully laid down my bike; I didn’t want to end up in the ditch like Jared … that looked REALLY painful. It was a great hiding place though and it ran right past the front of the store.

  “Hey Jared, is it safe down there?”

  “Yeah, I think all the really sharp jagged rocks are out of the way … they’re all in my back!!” he replied sarcastically. We RIPPED out chunks of grass and stuffed them all over the bikes for camouflage. Then we started to crawl along the drain towards the store. There wasn’t supposed to be anyone there. The guy running it had closed up when the last pet was bought. Maybe it was some of the other kids … nah; they never went very far without a sheep or a cow to keep them company. Maybe it was an escaped prisoner, angry that he’d been given sour milk in gaol, so he’d escaped and now he was here to take his revenge on the townspeople.

  “Hey Jared … ” I whispered. “ … let me know if you see a snake up there so I can get out of the way, OK?”

  “Maybe you could to take the lead for a while Sam?” he spat back.

  “No no, you’re doing a great job. Keep up the good work,” I told him happily.

  As we got even closer, we noticed something small moving just near the door. With the sun starting to set it was hard to see what it was, but I had a BAD feeling. We crawled along a bit further and then took out my awesome micro binoculars from my utility belt to get a better look. It was NICHOLAS! And if he was there, then no doubt the others were there as well.

  This had to be their headquarters … so … maybe it wasn’t even a store. Maybe it just looked like a store but really it was the MOTHER SHIP. All crappy and falling down on the outside but inside it was the size of a footy field with computers and electronics everywhere. With wall-to-wall TV screens running live video from secret cameras in everyone’s houses. And full of shelves with square bottles and ALIEN kids stuffed in them from other planets. Yeah and after they get us into so much trouble that we run away from home, they could kidnap us and use their ALIEN shrink-ray to put us in bottles too. Then we’d be taken back to their home planet as slaves. AH HA! It all made perfect sense now. It was up to us to stop them. But we needed proof, pictures, plans, a confession or maybe some actual ALIEN slime.

  We needed to get a look in that window. It was getting dark fast and there were overgrown bushes all the way around the building. So we just needed to get across the open paddock and then we could hide easily. But how to get rid of the feathery dive bombing pooper-shooter Nicholas, that was the real question.

  “Why don’t we just shoot him?” Jared suddenly piped up. But I was too busy trying to solve the problem to listen to his hot air. Just then I had an absolutely brilliant thought … my Mini-Pellet-pooper-shooter …

  “We could just shoot him!” Wow, I’m so clever. Jared handed over some AMMUNITION from his utility belt pouch and I took out the weapon. I extended it to “MAXI-Pellet-pooper-shooter … for long-range targets. Which is actually an empty texta that slips over the pen casing to make the shooter twice as long.

  OK; we didn’t want the galah to know we were here; we just wanted the stupid bird to move. So I got Jared to hold his hands together like a cup. Then I dropped a few guinea pig ‘poo pellets’ into them … a drop of white-out for colour and to goop it all together … and then a humongous dribble of spit into his hands as well. It didn’t really need the spit; the white-out would moosh it all together nicely. I just did the spit for fun. Jared mooshed the concoction together in his hands … perfect! We squished the sloppy mixture into the pooper-shooter. I needed to balance it perfectly … aim it perfectly … Fire!

  I shot that sucker straight up, high into the air and then we watched as it came down and landed right on target … splatt! Right on Nicholas’

  wing.

  Let’s see how he likes having a bird crap on him!

  The moment it landed and he saw what it was; he squawked and fluttered around like a chook that’s just found out the family wants roast chicken for dinner that night. He was spinning in the air, doing somersaults and rubbing against a verandah post, trying desperately to get it off. At least we had hands … Nicholas would have to use his mouth … well, beak … eewww!!!

  But it worked! He shot inside and out of sight. This was our chance …

  Now! Run!

  We scrambled up and out of the trench and began to sprint through the paddock. It was fairly dark by then, making it hard to see, but there was no time to lose. I had pretty good night vision so I led the way. But with the dead grass up to my waist, it was almost impossible to see anything at all on the ground. Neither of us had any idea how long we had until Nicholas came back, so we ran flat out. We couldn’t risk making a sound and I knew Jared would be right behind me. So he just had to follow my lead.

  I ran … he ran.

  I leapt over a log … he cracked his shin on it … SMACK!

  I ran faster … he ran faster.

  I ducked under the overhanging branch … he smacked his forehead straight into it and instantly flipped head over heels, doing a backwards somersault … thud!

  I glided gracefully on my backside into the bushes beside the store … Jared stepped into a nice fresh warm cow pat and slid on one heel for a couple of metres before coming to a sudden and very PAINFUL stop. Leaving an imprint of himself in the trunk of a gum tree … WhhhZZZ … THUD!

  Well at least he was lying down now. I reached out, grabbed him by the feet and dragged him into the bushes just in time. Nicholas came flying back out the door and perched himself into his guard position. The poop on his wing was gone and he seemed to be squawking abuse up at some birds that were flying by. As he kept watch, we slowly began to make our way secretly alongside the building. We could see the light from the basement window just up ahead. We slid along on our bellies right up to the window.

  “Pheeww … what’s that smell? Geez I’m a bit scared too but could you control yourself Jared?” I said to him in disgust. It smelt like something had just crawled up his butt, DIED and rotted for six months.

  “It wasn’t me!” he declared.

  “Well if it wasn’t you and it wasn’t me . . .” I continued as I took out my TOP-SECRET Bulravian Spy Pin torch, that’s made from a tetxa, a bulb, some wire and a few batteries …

  “Then what … eeewwww!”

  Why couldn’t animals use a bathroom like everyone else?

  Man we were choking. The stench was unbearable but there was no way around it, we had to go through it. At least it made it easier to belly slide and the window was just on the other side.

  Even though it was dark and cold, we were sweating buckets.

  We peered
in the window …

  Wow!

  It was AMAZING …

  it was INCREDIBLE …

  it was ASTOUNDING …

  it was … CRAP! The basement was TOTALLY CRAP!

  There were no bottles full of little ALIENS, no computers and no electronics. It looked like the basement of a five-hundred-year-old shack. The walls were absolutely filthy, with water marks running down them and cobwebs like detailed city maps full of dust hung everywhere. Against the furthest wall was a small television balanced on a milk crate and in the middle of the room, sat an old coffee table with only three legs and a fourth one of bricks to hold it up. It was overflowing with open bags of lollies, chips and every type of junk food you could think of. There wasn’t a doggie biscuit, pellet, bale of straw or cat snack in sight. All around the room were worn out beanbags, old torn cushions, an old clapped-out sofa and some wobbly chairs. Sitting on every one was an animal, the pets of all the kids in town. The budgies were laying back on a chair with their wings spread out in total flex mode. The hamster was bouncing on the sofa as if it was a trampoline. A lizard wore sunglasses and lay beneath a sun lamp while the others lazed about glued to the television watching cartoons. We did notice however, that Fluff Butt, Mademoiselle ‘I’m not really French’ Poo Poo and a few of the others weren’t there. But we could hear muffled yapping and see a dull light coming from an upstairs’ doorway. We crawled around the building to the other side. The window was filthy and hard to see through, so we had to lean in really close to the glass …

  … eewww eewww eewww … cobwebs sucked onto Jared’s faces like a wet flannel, yuck! His eyes widened in horror like two dinner plates with raw oysters on them, as he felt something hairy running across his face. In the dull light’s reflection I saw something that looked like a black hairy octopus scuttling across his cheek … SLAP!! A single tear of PAIN ran down his cheek.