Free to Dream

by Tracey Jerald

  Ryan takes a pull from his Scotch. “After Phil offered Jason a hand out of the water and apologized, Jason followed them back over to their blanket. He’d forgotten about me completely. He was immediately enraptured, and now, I know how he felt.”

  I lean forward and reach for the bottle, but Ryan shakes his head for me not to fill his cup. As I start to move back, Ryan grabs my wrist.

  “I blew up at Jason that night, Caleb. I was a raging lunatic. I can’t even fully remember what I screamed at him. I know I kissed him, and he pushed me away. I felt so hurt, so rejected. In my head, I had built up the engagement for my safety to be real, and my fiancé had just turned me away.” Ryan flushes, ashamed at his behavior that day so long ago.

  And there’s the opening I need, but just as I’m about to ask a question, Ry continues. “I left in the middle of the night with my clothes, journals, and not much else. I was certain by doing it that way, I would hurt Jason the way he had hurt me. I’m sure I did. Fuck, I know I did. He was my best friend. He found me at my worst, bloody in an alley, alone.” At this point, I know my brother doesn’t know what he’s telling me. Jared does, and his eyes cut to me, warning me not to interrupt. This needs to come out. It’s been festering way too long. “Jason gave me a second chance at life. He gave me the chance to find true love, and I did.” Ryan now has tears trickling down his face. Jared leans forward and kisses him softly, obviously knowing the story I’m hearing for the first time, but read about a few days ago courtesy of the file Charlie kept up to date with.

  My jaw tics as I bite back the questions I need his answers to.

  “I repaid that by being a shit, Caleb. A bratty, self-entitled shit. So, Jared and I attended a few events where I knew my name would end up in the paper. I wanted Jason to know I hadn’t offed myself in a back alley somewhere—a very real possibility when he first met me, and that I had moved on. After we got engaged, I discussed the possibility of reaching out to Jason with Jared. He already knew everything else.”

  At this point, I stand and start to prowl around. Ryan shifts anxiously before continuing.

  “I already knew Amaryllis Events’ reputation. I figured that if we hired them, I could atone for what I did to Jason. It was so wrong of me, Caleb. God, he never deserved that. I also thought I would have a chance to apologize…” Ry trails off, staring out across the city lights.

  “Several of our friends used them for other events. Cassidy Freeman is reputed to be able shut to down the devil and to talk him into her bidding at the same time. The rest of the Freeman family are amazing artists, true, but she could take over corporations. I knew she could handle our—”

  “Don’t say the word. If you call that cunt our mother one more time, I don’t know what kind of reaction I’ll have,” I caution with pure ice in my voice.

  One second passes. Two…

  Ry’s head snaps toward me.

  “You fucking knew before I said a word?” he breathes.

  “Only since Sunday.” There’s no bullshit in my tone. “I ran a standard background check on Amaryllis Events the way you asked me to.”

  Ry is about to breathe fire of his own as he stalks over to me. “There’s no way the story I just shared comes up in a standard check, Caleb. What the fuck were you doing?” Ryan is shouting now. “You had no right!”

  “I didn’t.”

  “Then how did you know all of this? There is no way you would have known everything.” Suddenly, Ryan’s face pales. He looks at me. “You. Know.” He stops and swallows audibly. “Everything?”

  I smile grimly at him. “Oh yeah, brother. Every-fucking-thing. And we’ll get to what you never told me in just a minute. But as for how I knew? When I bought Hudson, it turns out the Freemans were clients before I acquired the company. I asked my analyst for a standard business background. The information I got made me ready to kill on several levels, starting and ending with the fucking birth vessel who pushed us out.”

  “Oh my god,” Ryan breathes, stumbling to the couch. “That’s why you demanded a preliminary meeting. You wanted to meet them.”

  “You’re damn right I did. And as for the apology you owe Jason Ross, money doesn’t cover that, you stupid shit. You man up and call him! You give it to him face-to-face. He saved your fucking life,” I roar. “And you never told me?” I end on a whisper, lost at the pain-filled younger version of myself before turning away and walking over to the railing, breathing hard.

  Silence. Well, as much silence as Tribeca on a Thursday offers. You could hear a pin drop on the roof, but below us, there was the typical hustle and bustle of the cabs.

  I’m just about to turn around to head downstairs, leaving Ryan and Jared, when I hear, “You’re right.”

  What?

  I turn, leaning my hips against the railing, not saying a word.

  “Before you ask me any of the millions of questions going through your head, brother, please try to understand this from my point of view,” he says wearily. He stands, walks over next to me and rests his arms on the railing, facing the city. I hate the look of defeat that has come over him. “You understand what it’s like to be hit, maybe even beaten, but not to be beaten to the core where your very soul lives. You know what it means to be bullied, but not humiliated where your skin is being used as a canvas and blood is the ink. You’ve seen the images of torture, but until you’ve been tortured and left to die for being nothing more than what you are, you don’t know what you’ll do to protect yourself where you’re cornered. You don’t know how often I wished I could just rewind and be someone else. You don’t know how many times I imagined taking my own life,” he whispers.

  He’s silent for a few minutes, but what he says next guts me. “I always thought you blamed me for killing Dad the way she did.”

  “Never, Ryan. Is that the kind of crap she said to you?” My skin is crawling from the knowledge that my brother was so close to death. By his own hand or by our mother’s. All for being who he was born to be.

  “Yes. After the beatings would begin, I’d hear her voice say all kinds of things, like Dad had a weak heart and my revelation pushed him over the edge. You joined the Army because you wanted to be around real men. Dad never wanted a second son. Things like that.” His head remains turned toward the city. “Since I was hopped up on God knows what, I believed her. And then she gave me an almost lethal dose of GHB and dropped me in an alley in New Haven, probably with the intent of being raped and left for dead. I’m guessing you read the rest.” I’m clenching my jaw and Ryan nods. “Once Jason and his doctor got me off the drugs, I never wanted you to know. I knew you loved me, Caleb. You always had. And you’ve always been my biggest supporter. You’re absolutely right about one thing, I should have called Jason years ago to apologize. There isn’t any excuse, and it’s time.”

  Ry stands up straight and claps me on the shoulder. I do the same. We lock eyes, our father’s eyes, and don’t say a word. A million thoughts pass between us. Recriminations, apologies, acceptance, and most of all, love.

  Just when I’m about to pull him close, he surprises me with a question. “What about you?”

  “What about me?” I reply, confused.

  “When are you planning on apologizing to the Freemans, Cassidy in particular, for your appalling behavior? I mean, seriously? I’m certain you know things they likely don’t want you to know. The contents of the file you read, they must want what’s in it buried for a reason.”

  That, little brother, is the understatement of the century. But I keep those words hidden and my face impassive. Or so I think.

  “Right. So, with that in mind, do you really think tricking and embarrassing Cassidy was the appropriate move? Could you have gone there to meet her without being a dick?”

  “I wasn’t a dick!” I exclaim. “I had a little fun with her, but we got a lot accomplished for your wedding.” Shit, was I a dick? I do a quick mental replay when Jared chimes in.

  “If you had done that to me, you would
be lucky if I took you on as a client afterward.” Jared, the well-respected attorney, wouldn’t tarnish his name by those means or any other.

  Shit. All the things I found cute, Cassidy probably took mortal offense to. And knowing what I do about her history, it’s going to take a nuclear bomb to get me in the door again.

  Fuck.

  “Can you give me her schedule for the next few days? I need to figure out when I can get out to Collyer to talk to her.” Maybe I’ll take her out for coffee to replace the one that went cold on her today. And I’ll apologize.

  My baby brother, the fucker, has the nerve to laugh in my face. “No can do, Caleb. Both Jared and I signed NDAs to get Cassidy’s personal schedule. In fact, that reminds me, you need to sign one to get your hands on her schedule for the wedding. It’s a two-way NDA. She won’t provide you any details about the wedding until you sign it.” Ryan and Jared both laugh.

  No shit? Seriously? I would say good for the little darling, but this isn’t helping me out right now.

  “No offense or anything but, Jared, aren’t you a damn lawyer?”

  “I am, Caleb. And all I can say is that I was highly surprised by the degree taken to ensure everyone’s privacy. But given the nature of the information we have in the file Cassidy provided, I now fully understand why Amaryllis Events insisted on having us sign it. If we were a competitor, we could do some serious damage with what she turned over for your brother and I to have unfettered access to her.”

  Again, not helping. I growl at Jared before I start pacing. Both are laughing, which I suppose is better than the crisis mode we were in not thirty minutes earlier. I reach for my glass of Scotch and turn my head to Ryan. “When are you calling Jason?”

  “Oh no. There’s no way he rolls on his sister-in-law, Caleb,” Ryan warns me with a hardness in his eye.

  “Actually, I want to meet with Jason as well. I need to offer my thanks, Ry.” My brother slowly nods his head, understanding my need to atone. It isn’t easy to comprehend that I wasn’t around to protect my baby brother. “I’m hoping he’ll be in the city over the next few days. I’ll deal with Cassidy on my own.”

  They know I’m going to get eaten alive by a five-foot-four jewel-eyed, pixie-sized pit viper. Ry and Jared start laughing while choking on their Scotch.

  I think I know how the praying mantis feels right before he has sex for the last time.

  Eager and petrified at the same time.

  8

  Cassidy

  “My damn brother wouldn’t give me your schedule. Do you know that?”

  I close my eyes before opening them to a gorgeous face linked to the frustrated, yet amused voice at my office door two days later. I figured Caleb would show up sooner or later. Later worked for me. Much, much later.

  Work was moving at the speed of light on the Lockwood-Dalton wedding. After the contract was signed, I’d spoken to Ryan and Jared three times. We’d solidified significant blocks of rooms with the Old Greenwich Ritz-Carlton and the Delamar Greenwich Harbor, locked in the caterer, and had a conference call to discuss the floral arrangements so Phil could start estimating the flowers—primroses would be spotlighted. Em and Corinna were already on Ryan and Jared’s calendars with locked in dates for tailoring, menu selection, and cake tastings. Holly was meeting the guys in the city tomorrow to take their engagement photos.

  As for me? I had already sent at least fifty emails pertaining to narrowing down options about save the dates (which had to be sent out by next week), the invitations, signature drinks, gift bags for the hotel guests, charitable donations in lieu of wedding gifts, and about one hundred reminders, including one for Ryan and Jared to buy their rings.

  I warned them, this was just the beginning.

  Things were progressing fast. I didn’t have time for my heart to skip a beat at the husky sound of Caleb’s voice, but my body is a traitorous bitch. I can feel myself squirm slightly under his gaze. As my nipples start to harden, I’m grateful I had decided to wear a military-style jacket over formfitting jeans.

  Damn the man for being so gorgeous with his thick brown hair and inky dark eyes. I realize I don’t need to give him any more ammunition against me. Hadn’t I humiliated myself enough with him for three lifetimes?

  Meeting his gaze head-on, I say coolly, “I don’t believe you’ve signed the required non-disclosure agreement in order to have that information, Mr. Lockwood. It’s a damn good thing your brother didn’t share that information or I would have been well within my rights to terminate his contract and sue him.” I pause for effect. “While keeping the retainer, of course.” I reach for a folder sitting on my desk. “I’m fairly certain we’re past the point where we would solely be keeping just the retainer. In fact,” I snap open the folder, “I know it.”

  “You wouldn’t do that,” Caleb says with the charming smile.

  The fuck I wouldn’t. “No?” I raise an eyebrow while ignoring my traitorous body. “You want to push us that far to find out?”

  “You gave me your personal cell phone number, Cassidy. I would think a good lawyer and a reasonable judge would reason an implied consent.”

  “And any reasonable judge would understand it was provided under complete misrepresentation of yourself, Mr. Lockwood. As you remember, you represented yourself as one of the grooms.” I uncross my legs and stand to my full height, fully ready to do battle.

  “Calm down there, warrior princess. I see you’re dressed for battle.” He gives my outfit a quick but obvious once-over. Arrogant, cocky ass. He slowly pulls his arm from behind his back and tosses the flowers he’s been hiding onto the desk. Purple hyacinth. Shit. Apology flowers.

  “I know,” he says as he saunters into the room, closing the door behind him. “I was a complete asshole.” He read my mind.

  “You think?” I huff as I slowly sit back down. I don’t make a move to touch the flowers. “And you could’ve left the door open. You won’t be staying long.” My voice is pure ice, not giving an inch.

  “We have things to talk about, Cassidy,” he cajoles.

  “No, we don’t.” My mask slips a bit, and I’m suddenly drained. “I’m your brother’s wedding planner. You got what you came for, Caleb. I understand you were pushing my buttons as a kind of test to make sure I could handle the stress of an event this size. I passed, obviously, since the contracts are signed. There’s no need for you to be here.”

  “I disagree,” he counters.

  “Why does that not surprise me?” I mutter.

  “Tsk, tsk, Cassidy. Not nice,” Caleb mocks.

  “Should I be?”

  “What, nice?” Caleb smirks. I’m about to put him back into the asshole category, flowers or not.

  “Yes,” I bite out between gritted teeth.

  “God, no.” He throws back his head and laughs, just as I’m in the process of snipping at him again.

  “Fine, I will—wait. What?”

  “I said, no, don’t be nice. I would hate our relationship to be on that level.” His dark eyes are dancing.

  “We don’t have a relationship outside of this wedding, Mr. Lockwood. Remember, you were acting as if you were the one getting married to your brother and his lover, apparently.” I tsk. “That reminds me, I’ll have to make certain which one of you is actually marrying Jared. For the license, of course. Oh, that’s right. You’re not one of the grooms. Since that little stunt got cleared up, your participation in this wedding was relegated to emergency situations only. Since I handle those quite well, you can be assured you won’t need to be called in for backup.” Ah, let him deal with that bit of revived bitchiness.

  He laughs hysterically. Damn him. His handsome head tosses back, exposing a strong neck. So sexy on a man…calm it down, girl! Remember, asshole. Client.

  After his laughter recedes, he turns serious. “I’d like to explain.”

  “Why bother? Things are progressing perfectly with the timetable I established for the wedding, so I don’t feel the need.” I
know I’m coming off as a bitch. It’s a persona I’ve established to keep men away. Inside, though, I’m not sure how much of this is my residual anger at the way Caleb played me, the way Phil left me swinging out in the wind, or hurt from Ali’s comment that’s triggered my guard to be so relentless. But right now, I don’t care. After more nights of no sleep, nightmares, and the energy I’m using to keep Amaryllis Events running, I really don’t have the time or inclination to deal with this. Maybe in a few months. Maybe in a few years.

  Maybe never.

  Caleb Lockwood is just too damn potent.

  Suddenly, he stands up.

  “Do you have anything going on right now?”

  I snicker and gesture around me. My desk is lined with plans for his brother’s wedding. My planner is out and I have the contract spread out with a million notes in the columns. Sticky-note arrows are pointing to sections of the contract I need to highlight on the electronic version for reference later. The Lockwood wedding binder has about twenty separate lists already being created.

  I raise an eyebrow and look down at the mess before me.

  He reaches across the desk and picks up my cup from The Coffee Shop. Jiggling it a bit, he remarks, “This is empty. How about a quick walk and a coffee?”

  “Whoa, there’s no need to race there, Cassidy,” I hear Caleb call from behind me.

  I feel the heat climb up my cheeks as I pause and wait for him to catch up to me. With my back still facing the direction we’re walking in, I wrap my arms around myself. My head drops forward a bit in embarrassment.

  I don’t know how to do this, be alone with a guy. There’s always been someone else with me to act as a buffer to prevent my panic from overwhelming me.

  What was I thinking agreeing to this?

  How in the hell am I supposed to have coffee with this guy?

  Footsteps land right behind me and I let out a startled yelp. Jumping back, I stumble, and Caleb’s strong arms grab mine to catch me.

  “Are you okay, Pixie?” Caleb asks with concern.