Dead Men Don't Eat Cookies

by Virginia Lowell

  Lenora, Olivia thought, must have listened in as scores of eager writers pitched ideas to Bernie Bouchenbein, her deceased husband.

  Lenora sighed happily. “I’m so certain my play will be a worldwide success that I’ve put out feelers for investors. Several have already responded.”

  Olivia noticed she did not mention whether those potential investors, once they’d heard more about the project, had expressed genuine interest.

  Lenora clasped her hands together like an overexcited child. “Just think of the eager crowds—”

  The kitchen door opened, and Maddie’s cheerful face appeared. “Time for you to take off for that appointment, Livie. Bertha is back, so we’re covered here.”

  Olivia nearly knocked over a chair in her eagerness to escape Lenora’s persistently delusional presence. At the same time, she knew that Lenora wasn’t about to give up. Maybe her mother could be more persuasive. If that failed, there was always Calliope. “Thanks, Maddie,” Olivia said. “Sorry, Lenora, gotta run.”

  “Oh, but we have so much planning to do,” Lenora said. “Can’t your little errand wait?”

  Olivia didn’t trust herself to respond without snarling, so she said nothing and left the kitchen with Maddie. They walked in silence across the sales floor to the Gingerbread House door. “I sense all is not tranquil,” Maddie said as she followed Olivia into the foyer. “What is Lenora up to this time? You’d better tell me,” Maddie said. “I intend to encourage her to vacate the premises, and I might say the wrong thing.”

  Olivia paused with her hand on the doorknob, in case a customer might be outside on the porch. “Lenora wants to take over the arts and crafts school and turn it into a theater. She is writing a play, or she thinks she is. The title includes the words ‘bones in the wall.’”

  “Catchy,” Maddie said.

  Olivia rolled her eyes. “Lenora, bless her greedy, self-obsessed little heart, has already put out feelers to potential investors for this future fiasco. She thinks she can pull in enough money to buy the school building right out from under my mom.”

  “Wow, that sounds . . . disastrous.” Maddie leaned against the foyer wall. “On so many levels . . . including the one where Ellie finally loses her centered self and kickboxes Lenora through a window.”

  “No kidding. I don’t want to be around if Lenora goes ahead with this plan and Mom finds out about it. Oh, and FYI, Lenora discovered that opened bottle of sherry we left on top of the fridge.”

  “Thanks for the warning.” Maddie opened the unlocked front door and pushed Olivia toward the porch. “Go have lunch with Del and do your best sleuthing to find out whatever he knows about those bones. I’ll tell your mom about Lenora’s grandiose plans. Ellie and I will hatch a strategy for quelling Lenora, even if it requires locking her in the attic with the rest of the bats.”

  Olivia imagined Lenora hanging upside down from a rafter, which made her feel better.

  * * *

  Olivia arrived at Del’s favorite booth near the back of the Chatterley Café. She slid onto the seat across from him, leaving her cell phone on the table in case Maddie or her mom called.

  Del looked up from his menu. “You’re only five minutes late! And look, you remembered your cell phone. Who are you, and what have you done with Olivia?”

  “Not very original,” Olivia said, “but nice delivery. I’d try for a punchier insult, but you’re buying lunch.”

  Del gave her a lopsided grin as he leaned across the table for a quick kiss. Olivia gave up her plans for retaliation. Almost. She scanned the menu, and said, “How about that, the special today is lobster.” Olivia peered at Del over the top of her menu. “You did say you just got paid, right?”

  “I was thinking of paying the electric bill this month, but I’m sure they will understand.” Del slapped his menu shut and drooped against the back of his seat. “And I suppose it wouldn’t hurt me to skip a few meals. I could space them out during the month . . . you know, to avoid passing out from hunger while I’m chasing a mugger.”

  Olivia rolled her eyes. “What I go through for a free lunch.” She pushed her menu aside. “You lucked out this time. I have a hankering for tuna salad, even though it’s the cheapest item on the menu.” Olivia glanced around and lowered her voice. “For my selflessness, I think I deserve to hear what you’ve learned so far about those bones we found yesterday. I promise not to share your information with Lenora, lest she fictionalize it for personal fame and profit.”

  “What has Lenora done now? Never mind,” Del said as their waitress, a petite redhead named Peg, materialized at their booth.

  “Hey, Sheriff.” Peg grinned at Olivia. “Hey, Livie. Are you going for the lobster today? It’s great, well worth the exorbitant price tag.”

  “Regretfully, no,” Olivia said. “Del is footing the bill. I’ll have the tuna salad.”

  “Ah.” Peg winked at her. “Going easy on him, huh? Well, there’s always next time.”

  “Tuna for me, too,” Del said. “And two coffees.”

  Peg nodded. “With lots of cream and sugar. Found out anything about those old bones yet, Sheriff? I’m hoping they belong to a certain former boyfriend of mine who walked out on me a couple months ago.”

  Del shook his head. “Sorry, Peg, a couple months ago would be too recent. It takes longer than that for a body to skeletonize.”

  “Oh well, a girl can dream.” Peg shrugged one shapely shoulder and left.

  “You aren’t usually so free with information about a case,” Olivia said. “Normally you ask a lot more questions than you answer.”

  Del shrugged. “Right now I don’t have much information to pass on. Besides, mentioning the skeletonization process usually discourages further questioning . . . except from you or Maddie, of course.”

  Peg returned with two mugs, a pot of steaming coffee, and a pitcher of cream. “Sugar is on the table, as always. Holler if you use it all up.” She hurried to another table.

  Olivia stirred two spoonfuls of sugar into her coffee. “I’d better warn you up front about Lenora’s newest delusion, her most grandiose to date. She has devised a maniacal scheme to turn the discovery of those sad bones into a play. She thinks it will bring fame and fortune to Chatterley Heights and, especially, to herself.”

  “That’s scary.” Del tasted his coffee and added more cream. “I’m guessing Lenora is all hype and no productive work.”

  “Hard to say.” Olivia added a bit more sugar to her cup. “Lenora claims to have ‘sketched out’ the play already. She has already contacted potential backers, and now she plans to send out feelers to her Hollywood friends . . . assuming they are still alive and remember her name. Anyway, I have done my duty by warning you.”

  “For which I thank you,” Del said. “I’ll try to carve out time for a little talk with Lenora about the dangers of interfering with an ongoing police investigation.”

  “Good luck with that,” Olivia said. “Now about that ongoing investigation, have you found out anything interesting?”

  Del smiled and said nothing.

  “There’s still time for me to cancel the tuna salad and order lobster,” Olivia said. “And I might enjoy it so much that I’ll forget to tell you what I’ve learned so far about potential suspects.”

  “We police take a dim view of withholding evidence.”

  “Okay, put away the rubber hose. I’ll talk.” Olivia drained her coffee cup. “This morning, Robbie Quinn visited The Gingerbread House and issued a forceful warning not to believe a word Alicia said about anything. Robbie clearly dislikes and resents Alicia.”

  Peg appeared at their table to refill their cups. “Tuna salad has been in great demand, but it shouldn’t be too much longer.” She smiled and left.

  “Where was I?” Olivia asked. “Oh yeah, Robbie went out of his way to convince us—Mom was there, too—that Alicia isn
’t pulling her weight in the household. Robbie threatened to throw her out if she didn’t start paying room and board. Alicia may not be in a position to . . . Wait a minute.” Olivia grabbed her cell phone off the table. “Things have been so hectic, I totally forgot that Alicia left a message on my cell. I didn’t even tell Mom.” Olivia found the message and handed her phone to Del. “Here, listen to this.”

  Del frowned as he listened to Alicia’s tearful plea to come and stay with Olivia. “Sounds like Robbie has already made up his mind to throw her out,” Del said as he returned Olivia’s cell phone. “That’s a nasty thing to do to a kid who just lost her job, but I’m not too surprised. Robbie always struck me as a self-righteous jerk.”

  Olivia frowned at the phone resting in the palm of her hand. “There’s something odd about the timing, though. I know I’m right about this, although I suppose there might be an explanation.”

  “Livie, fill in the blanks, okay? What are you right about?” Del asked.

  “Sorry, Del. Alicia left this message for me before the store opened this morning. I know because I listened to it as I was coming down the stairs to help Maddie open. That was well before Robbie came to the store, which means that by the time he talked to us, he had already decided Alicia had to go. Yet when he spoke with Mom and me, he made it sound like he hadn’t quite made his decision.”

  Del shrugged. “Robbie probably didn’t know Alicia had called you. He didn’t want to look like the bad guy.”

  Peg appeared at their booth bearing a large basket filled to overflowing with a variety of fresh rolls and breadsticks. “Compliments of the chef,” she said as she deposited the basket on the table. “I guess the price for the lobster scared our customers. We had a major run on tuna salad, so the chef is making a fresh batch. He didn’t want anyone to starve to death in the meantime.” She scurried off to another table.

  “Something tells me Peg is tired of complaints about the slow service today,” Del said. “But back to Alicia. I suppose it’s possible she was exaggerating her situation in order to gain your sympathy.”

  Olivia nodded in silence. She remembered how upset Alicia had sounded in her phone message. On the other hand, she did seem prone to tearful outbursts. Well, time would tell. “I’ve done my duty by telling you about Robbie’s visit,” Olivia said. “Now tell me how your investigation is going. I promise to keep it to myself.”

  “Sure you do,” Del said. “Well, this is still a coldish case, so I guess I can share. I showed Alicia Vayle my photo of the cookie cutter necklace found with the bones, and she swore it was the same one she’d given her father. She sounded certain, but Alicia struck me as possibly too emotional to think straight.”

  “I might be able to help with that issue. First of all, Maddie and I found a photo online of Alicia with her father. Kenny was wearing what looked to us like a shiny silver necklace. And second . . .” Olivia relayed the information Dolly had revealed to her about selling a handmade cookie cutter necklace to a young girl. “Dolly drew a picture of the girl, and it sure looked like a younger Alicia to me.”

  “I’ll need that drawing,” Del said. “And I want to talk to this Dolly Fitzpatrick. I’ve never heard of her.”

  “She’s newly back after some years away from this area,” Olivia said. “I should warn you that Dolly is gorgeous, but her heart belongs to my brother. Don’t ask me to explain it. Jason hasn’t caught on yet, although he seems to enjoy her company while he is working on that old Ford Fairlane of his. I advised Dolly to take it slow with him. Between you and me, I’m afraid she might lose interest in him.”

  “Why? Is she one of those arrogant princess types?” Del selected a soft garlic breadstick and bit into it.

  “Not at all,” Olivia said. “Dolly is sweet and genuine and perfect for Jason, who probably doesn’t deserve her, but he will be nice to her, in his own way. I’m already picking out my bridesmaid’s gown. However, Jason can be slow and dense, plus it hasn’t been all that long since he broke up with his last—and only—long term girlfriend.” Olivia selected a crescent shaped roll and bit off the tip. “Cheddar cheese . . . yum,” she said. “The Chatterley Café makes the best rolls on earth. Anyway, Dolly has a remarkable memory for faces, and she draws quite well.”

  Del gave her a puzzled look. “And Dolly is perfect for Jason because . . . ?”

  “Because she likes him. And because she loves to work with metal.”

  “Ah,” Del said.

  “Your turn,” Olivia said. “Have you heard from the crime lab?”

  “I wish our crime lab worked as fast as the ones on television, but no such luck,” Del said. “A cold case takes even longer. As far as I know, they haven’t done anything besides glance at my photos. They are working overtime on higher priority cases. I’ll let you know when construction on the school can begin again.”

  “Calliope is working on Jason’s house while she waits for the boarding house to be available,” Olivia said. “Mom, however, will be impossible to live with.”

  Del tore the last breadstick in half and handed one piece to Olivia. “I did have a chat with Crystal Quinn,” he said. “I wondered if she would repeat any of what she’d told you, but she was more guarded with me. She certainly never mentioned that Alicia wanted to implicate her in Kenny Vayle’s death. All she said about her daughter was that she was going through a rebellious period. I sensed Crystal wasn’t a happy woman, but she refused to complain about her husband.”

  “Crystal knows which side her cookie is decorated on.” Olivia was glad to see Del smile at her new twist on an old cliché. When he ran his hand through his sandy hair, she noticed it needed a trim. Del looked tired to her. With his deputy out of town, he was handling everything from traffic accidents to murders. “When I talked to Crystal, she seemed angry and a bit scared,” Olivia said.

  “I certainly picked up on Crystal’s anger,” Del said, “although she seemed as if she were trying not to give anything away. Living with Robbie Quinn can’t be easy.”

  Peg reappeared bearing two generous plates of tuna salad with chunks of fresh bread. “Here it is, finally,” she said before hustling off toward a customer who was signaling impatiently.

  Olivia scooped out a spoonful of tuna salad. “This looks scrumptious.” The spoon was halfway to her mouth when her cell phone, which she’d left on the table, began to vibrate. “Rats.” Olivia glanced at the caller ID and answered. “Hi, Mom, what’s up?”

  “The complexity of life,” Ellie said.

  “Are you saying that something has happened to complicate your life?”

  “Doesn’t it always?” Ellie asked.

  “Could you elaborate on that while I take my first bite of tuna salad?”

  “That sounds utterly delicious,” Ellie said. “By all means, eat. I’m alone in the Gingerbread House kitchen. I’m sure I can unearth a cookie for lunch.” Olivia heard a scraping sound. “Ah yes,” Ellie said, “here they are, a whole cake pan nearly full of cookies.” The line went silent for a short time. “Much better,” Ellie said. “Livie, did you know you have an empty sherry bottle on top of your refrigerator?”

  “Oops. I’m afraid it doesn’t surprise me,” Olivia said. “Lenora was alone in the kitchen for a while. Twice, in fact,” she added, remembering that Maddie had walked her to the door as she was leaving for lunch.

  “Oh dear,” Ellie said. “I wonder where Lenora is now.”

  “She isn’t still in the store?”

  “I’ll look around in a bit,” Ellie said. “Bertha let me in through the alley door.”

  “Why did you call me, Mom?”

  “A moment, please.” Ellie sounded as if she had a mouth full of cookie. “I came here looking for you. Livie, do you remember getting a frantic call from Alicia Vayle?”

  “Yes, I’d forgotten all about that,” Olivia said. “It was a message on my cell. It was so
busy in the store, I didn’t remember to call her back.”

  “You forgot about a desperate cry for help?” Ellie asked.

  “I forgot about it, okay? Life gets complex, like you said.” Olivia rolled her eyes, and Del smirked.

  “Well, let me remind you, then,” Ellie mumbled. “Sorry, my mouth was full. Alicia’s family, specifically her stepfather, the lovely man we met today, ordered her to pack her bags and find somewhere else to live, and to make it snappy. Poor Alicia lost her job at Pete’s, so she has no money to pay for so much as a room. When you didn’t respond to her urgent phone message, she left home with no place to go. She was dragging a suitcase over to The Gingerbread House when I intercepted her.”

  Olivia sank against the padded back of her seat. “Mom, you know how tiny my apartment is. I only have one bedroom. I mean, I’d love to be able to talk with Alicia about . . . you know, the bones, her father, and so on. But have her stay with me? Where would I put her, on my living room sofa? I don’t suppose you and Allan could . . . ?”

  “I’m way ahead of you, Livie. I called Allan right away. He dusted your old room and put fresh sheets on the bed, while I helped Alicia transport her worldly possessions to our house. She can stay with us as long as necessary. I’m looking forward to having a young person around the house again, at least for a while.”

  “Mom, I’m over there all the time, and I’m not exactly a senior citizen yet,” Olivia said.

  “Of course not, dear. Neither am I. But you know what I mean.” A crunching sound traveled across the connection. “Livie, the lemon cookies are so good I can’t stop myself from taking just one more. Luckily, I ran three miles this morning.”

  “I hate you,” Olivia said without rancor.