My Pastor Got a Stripper Pregnant

by Quan Millz

  For a split second, I felt flattered and I wanted to laugh so fucking hard at what he said about Jessica. Bitch probably do got rank ass twat. But this nigga just officially lost his mothafuckin’ mind asking me that bullshit!!!

  “Oh fuck no! I knew you was gonna be on some shit like that!” I dashed up from the bed as I quickly pulled out my gun and aimed it at Pastor Wilson! “BACK THE FUCK UP, NIGGA!”

  He backed up several feet with his hands raised. “Damn, shit, woman! I was just asking a simple question! Shit!”

  “Are you serious? $200,000?”

  “Yes! You can go over there and check. I got the contract there on the table along with the money!”

  I hope this nigga wasn’t trying to fuck with me. “Look! You better not be fucking with me! ‘Cuz nigga, I’ll pop yo old ass! Back the fuck up!”

  He slowly started to make his way toward me as he said, “Nashawna, I know you ain’t gon shoot me, so go ahead and put the gun down…”

  “YES I WILL!”

  “No, you won’t,” he smiled. “Put the gun down…”

  “PASTOR I WILL SHOOT! I SWEAR TA GOD!”

  “No…You…Won’t.” By now he had got at least two feet in front of me.

  I pulled the trigger!

  Chapter 17

  I pulled the trigger.

  Click. Click-Click! CLICK-CLICK-CLICKThat was the sound the gun was making as I kept pulling the goddamn trigger!

  “FUCK!” I forgot to load the fucking gun! A clip wasn’t in this shit! MY STUPID ASS! FUCK!

  Suddenly Pastor Wilson lunged at me and grabbed the gun out of my hand! “Give me this!” he screamed. The gun fell down to the floor. By now, this dude had me overpowered. He gripped me and then slammed me into the bed. He hovered over me.

  “Please, don’t hurt me!”

  “I’m not going to hurt you! I just wanna taste you, damn!”

  “Okay then! If you serious!”

  “I’m serious!”

  I looked into his eyes for a split second. By now, I was scared as fuck but gone. This man, all along, was kind of sexy. Like he had a grown man sexiness to him. He smelled so damn good, too! Shit!

  I kind of dropped my guard. This was beginning to get weird as fuck. “You not gon do nothing strange, right?” I asked.

  “No,” he replied and then suddenly leaned in and began to plant kisses all over my neck. For a second, I felt so disgusted. My body tightened and I was ready to black out. I closed my eyes and just let him kiss all over my neck and chest. But the kisses felt good. Sensual. And Pastor Wilson didn’t have bad breath. Old church nigga breath I swear was the worse. Smelled just like an old ass country church, too. Like it was a smell of like rotting church pew wood, cheap perfume, hamhocks, pigs feet mixed all together. Old church nigga breath was also blazing hot and humid. Ewww!

  But Pastor Wilson had pretty teeth. A nice smile. I opened my eyes and pulled his face up. I knew I looked scared. “I swear I’m not gonna hurt you. I just want this one time with you – that’s it…”

  “Okay,” I mumbled. He leaned in and began to kiss me. His breath wreaked of peppermint. How ironic. Probably one of the peppermints them old ass bitches be carrying, too.

  We made out for like five minutes. Pastor Wilson was a crazy ass kisser. This man was super-affectionate, he knew how to run his tongue in the right spots at the right moment.

  This all made sense. I felt kind of bad for him now. For even putting him in this position. His wife was a slob and they hadn’t been having sex in years. He was deprived. Yeah, he was supposed to be a preacher. A man of God. But guess what! Pastors are men! Pastors need pussy, too. PASTORS EAT PUSSY TOO!

  Pastor Wilson continued to dance his tongue up and down my neck until I couldn’t take it anymore. My nipples were getting so hard. My pussy was getting so drenched. STORM ALERT!

  “Take this shit off,” he demanded. We both stood up from the bed. We took off all of our clothes. I gulped at the sight of his body. Yeah, I couldn’t lie. He was much older. His body definitely showed signs of age, but at least he was still in somewhat good shape…This would be the first and LAST time I do some shit like this – TRUST AND BELIEVE ME.

  ANYWAYS…

  His dick was getting hard. Surprised he ain’t have to pop some viagra or a cialis. He kept his entire pubic area shaved. His dick had to have been at least ten or eleven inches long, five inches thick! This was some true meat! This nigga had a LOG between his legs. OH. MY. GOD! Hopefully, he just wanted to eat my cat ‘cuz that shit was NOT going up in me!

  Then it hit me…

  “FUCK!” I blurted out.

  “What?”

  “You’re gonna be mad…”

  “Why?”

  Chapter 18

  “…I’m on my period…”

  Awkward silence filled the room.

  Pastor Wilson chuckled and gawked down at me as I slowly pulled the slightly bloody tampon out of my cooch and tossed it down to the ground. Shit was embarrassing. I was right in the middle of my period and I was having some heavy blood flow earlier. Damn…

  “Shit…It don’t matter. Besides, don’t you know the recipe?”

  “Recipe for what?” I asked with a raised brow.

  “To stop ya bleedin’…Drink some of dat DAHK!”

  My mouth flew wide open. NUCCA, WHET!? “Are you serious right now?!? Like eww. You do that?”

  Pastor Wilson smacked his teeth. “Bitch, don’t act like you ain’t never had a nigga eat you out while you was on your period.”

  I thought for a second. He ain’t lyin’.

  “Okay? And? But still…”

  “Girl, just relax. Lay back and chill. I’m gonna go get us a nice ass drink. I know yo lil ratchet ass will like that Hennessey.”

  My eyes widened in disgust as I slightly shook my head. But fuck it. It is what it is. “Okay,” I said as I laid back down on the bed and sat up against the headboard. Damn, I hope he ain’t turned off by the smell though.

  He walked back over with a tall drink his hand. A big ass Backwood he’d rolled up along with a lighter was in the other. His big ass dick and balls just dangled from side to side as he made his way back over to the bed.

  “This is just so strange to me,” I commented. “So this what you and my girl be doing?”

  “Can we not talk about her, please?”

  “Okay…” I shrugged my shoulders

  “Thanks…” He took a sip from his drink and handed me the blunt and lighter. I sparked up and took a huge pull. “What kind of strain is this?” I asked and began to cough.

  Pastor Wilson chuckled. “That’s that fire, girl. Yo ass better slow the fuck down. That’s OG Kush. Pastor Wilkin’s gay ass got it for me when he went out to Cali for a conference.”

  “WHAT?!? SO HE IS GAY?!? LIKE GAY-GAY! LIKE DICK IN-THE-BOOTY-HOLE GAY?!?”

  Pastor scrunched his face. “Yeah. Everyone kind of know that…”

  “Oh,” I said kind of feeling stupid. Damn, it had me wondering if all of these so-called Christian folks just be putting on a front. Like why lie about who you are? Just do you, boo boo! Shit ain’t that serious you feel me?!?

  ANYWAYS!

  I took a few more pulls from the blunt then passed it to Pastor Wilson. He took his pulls. We went back and forth. I sipped on some of his drink. Within minutes, bof'us were so fuckin faded, I swear ta God! Damn, then it hit me – YO ASS ON PROBATION, NUNU! YOU DUMB ASS BITCH! I was gonna have to get drug tested! Damn, NuNu! YOU SO STUPID! FUCK! But it was whatever…Jessie did tell me that I could take some shit called Niacin and get the weed out of my system so long as I didn’t smoke everyday…

  UGHH!

  Once the blunt was out and the drink was finished, Pastor Wilson crawled his naked self back into the bed. We began making out again as he cuddled me. The way he just held me and caressed me let me know he was dying for just basic romance. That was so sad. Nigga just wanted something young and tender to hold. Something he probably hadn’t exp
erienced in years!

  He began to finger me and the faint smell of my period began to waft in the air. But at this point, the way he was rubbing my shit, I guess none of us cared.

  “Get on your back,” he commanded and pulled me into the upper-center of the bed. I was now nervous as fuck! Pastor got on top of me and planted himself in between my legs. We began to kiss again as his brick dick rubbed up and down my already wet, throbbing clit.

  Then, he began to slowly lick me from my neck until he made his way all the way to my navel. Then he got on his stomach and spread my legs wide open even more. He planted his head in between my legs and didn’t hesitate in sucking on my clit. He stuck his fingers inside of me and instantly found my spot. Damn, this nigga was magician, puttin’ all types of spells on my shit.

  My breathing got heavy and my heart fluttered. “YASSSSSS! Slob on dat cat, passuh! Eat dat shit, old nikkuh! You like how that cat taste?”

  “Hell yeah, guhl…”

  I bit my bottom lip hard.

  “What it taste like?” I asked biting my lip harder. “Tell me,” I moaned.

  I held tightly to the sides of Pastor’s head with my hands as he relentlessly devoured the fuck out of my guts.

  “Shit, taste like candied yams, guhl. And not that nasty ass shit in a can. I’m talkin’ fresh yams. Wit all types of marshmelluh, cinnamon, brown sugar…”

  He paused for a moment and ran his big, bell pepper nose from my clit to my ass, taking a long whiff.

  Bitch, my pussy juices overfloweth just thinkin’ of how this old nigga was soooo fuckin’ NAAHSTAAYY!

  Pastor Wilson moaned and then said, “…And butter. Just like how ma grandmama’nem used to make it. Back in Hattiesburg.” “But, guhl, you know, I just love the way yo lil qoo-chie smell,” Pastor chuckled in his thick and deep Mississippi accent.

  Without hesitation, he went back to slurping and sucking on my lil puss.

  He slowly caressed my inner thighs with the ends of his fingertips. It was crazy, too, ‘cuz I was still so muhfuckin’ blown by the fact that this old nigga had polished fingernails! Something I had noticed about him when I first met him! If he wasn’t a Pastor, I’d think this nigga was a fucking pimp. Shit, Mee Ling did an excellent job buffering them nails though. Might need that lil asian hoe’s phone number so I could book an appointment.

  As the so-called man of God continued to suck my sinning soul out of my sexy ass body, my legs shivered nonstop like I was having a seizure. Bitch, go get me some CBD or somethin’ ‘cuz I swore I was seconds away from squirting all over this man’s beard.

  “You like that, huh,” the Bishop moaned among the incessant whooshing sound of his succulent slurps.

  “Shhh, don’t talk. Just keep eatin’ that lil pussy. Wrap them big, black lips around my clit, old nicca…”

  I threw my head back and sunk it into the pillow. My eyes closed and now, I kid you not, all I could see and feel was heaven.

  My hands gripped the bedsheets as Pastor Wilson’s clit sucking seemed to intensify. Oooh, speaking of which – I just knew Maria or Jose was gon be mad as fuck in the morning when they come in here and have to change these muhfuckin’ sheets, bitch!

  My thick ass legs were wide open like a football field, and now I had this old, crusty ass nigga playing in it like he was a quarterback. Except, Pastor Wilson wasn’t running a ball; old fuck nigga was running his tongue in and out of my pussy AND my ass.

  That nigga was truly an MVP. Somebody needed to come give this nigga a ring and induct his ass in a pussy-eating hall of fame!

  Shit, truth be told, this nigga was like OJ. And yes, OJ…’Cuz this old Morgan Freeman-lookin’ ass muhfucka was murdering my clit. Even with all types of scripture laced in his tongue. Heaux, I was shooketh right now! You hear me!

  Nothing but the sound of pussy juice slurps filled the cognac and Newport-smelling air. The slurps bounced off the walls of the dark, musky motel room, mixing in with both of our nonstop moans and groans.

  I couldn’t believe this seventy-year-old man was eating me out like this. In all of my days I ain’t never had a nigga have such perfected head game. This shit was amazing. Here I was, twenty-three-years-old, thinking that someone’s nasty ass, ‘bless the hands of the cook’-praying, worms-havin’ granddaddy wouldn’t dare know how to handle some young, tender pussy.

  “Come fuck me now, fuck me!” I said.

  “That’s what you want?”

  “Yeee-ughhh!” I moaned as my pants seemed to get heavier.

  Pastor Wilson propped himself up and rubbed his dick against my soaking pussy. “Put it in me,” I begged.

  Pastor slid right on in…Nigga walked that dick through the doors of my church – Mt. Nashawna Missionary Baptist Pussy.

  Chapter 19

  Some hours had passed. It had to have been about one past midnight. I looked over at the clock sitting on the nightstand. It was actually 1:23. Pastor Wilson and I had just got done fucking about a good twenty minutes. Wow. That was some intense ass dick! On my dead cousin’s grave, I swear that was the best dick I’d ever had in my life!

  “You ‘bout ready?” he asked as he finished putting his clothes on. He and I just got done taking showers and now we were about to finalize this ‘business’ transaction.

  “Yeah,” I replied as I put on my right stiletto. “Ok, cool,” he said with a slightly weird grin.

  “You wanna get something to eat afterward?” he asked. “My treat…”

  “Nah, I’m good. Let’s just get this over with. I gotta bounce.”

  “Okay, and you said you made sure you got rid of everything right? All the videos? I still think this is messed up but It’s cool. I’ll pay you your money. I thought you were truly a nice girl. You got a lot of potential.”

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah,” I said rolling my eyes. “Save me the sob story. Shoulda thought about that shit before you started messin’ with us young, hood hoes. Let me find out there some other pastors out there fucking around. I’mma finesse those stupid, clown ass niggas, too.”

  Pastor Wilson shook his head and then a slight smirk came across his face. “You know, you have got to be the dumbest broad on the face of the planet, you know that. Like, I thought you were smart for a lil feisty hood nigra. But you – you just like the rest of them. You ain’t nothin’ but a two-timin’, low-life, welfare recipient, simpleminded ghetto bitch. You the queen of them all!”

  I had to pause for a moment and process what this dude just said to me. Like, URMMH!? Excuse me?!? WOOOW!

  “WHAT?!? Nigga, FUCK YOU! BE DONE WITH ALLDAT SHIT! You’re a sexist ass, self-hating, fucked up pervert! And you think you got the right to try to fucking judge me?!?! I wouldn’t even need to do all of this had you even gave me a second chance. You don’t know me or know the shit I go through! You’re a hypocrite! You talk about being a man of God and you didn’t even listen to me for one second when I made a simple mistake! You talk about being all pro-black, this and that, and yet here I am, a struggling black female in Chicago just tryna make it! And you just fire me ‘cuz I made an honest mistake! SO, FUCK YOU! Just shut the fuck up and pay me! Yeah, so the fuck what I do what I do! You do dirt, too! Ain’t none of us perfect! You can just run your mouth better and afford to make yourself look like you ‘blessed’! Man, fuck you and fuck yo church. Fuck yo campaign. You ain’t shit and you won’t win. Just run me my shit, pussy nigga! Where the fuck is the money?!? Open up the briefcases!”

  The way that nigga came at me with that tone was vicious and really unexpected! Like what the fuck was his problem all of a sudden?!? Shit, we just had a good time now it devolved to this?!? Then again, I get it – I was scheming his stupid ass!

  “Fine! Fuck it! I got the contract here, baby girl. Just need you to sign here and there,” he said as he handed me a piece of paper.

  I snatched the paper out of his hand and dashed over to the room dresser and briefly scanned the contract. I had no idea what any of it said. Shit, to be honest with you,
none of this shit made any sense. It was all of this legalese shit. All of these weird-sounding words. But I understood one thing – I saw the dollar amount. $200,000. One lump sum. Then I saw my name and a place to put my signature.

  “SIGNED! NOW RUN. ME. MY. SHIT. PUSSY NIGGGUH!” I growled and threw him the piece of paper.

  KNOCK! KNOCK!

  Suddenly I spun around and threw a gaze at the motel room’s front door. “Who the fuck is that?!?” I asked.

  Pastor Wilson strolled over to the front door and opened it. My mouth dropped wide open once I saw who it was. This. shit. was. crazy.

  Déjà vu.

  It was Darryl –

  And he was standing next to Rasheeda.

  They both walked into the motel room…Rasheeda was shaking her head. “Why, Nashawna? Why would you do this?”

  I turned around and looked at Pastor Wilson. “WHAT THE FUCK?!?” I screamed. “You set me the fuck up?!?!” I then turned my attention back to Darryl and Rasheeda. ”NO! FUCK THAT! I’m gonna expose his ass! This nigga is a con artist!”

  “Nashawna, please! Do you understand what just happened?!? Do you even know what extortion is?!? How could you be so unbelievably stupid right now! You just threw away everything?”

  “WHAT?!? HUH?!? NO! FUCK THAT! HE IS A LIAR! THIS MAN IS A LIAR! AND A THIEF!”

  “Nashawna, you’re under arrest,” Darryl said shaking his head. I looked back at Pastor Wilson. He began to pull out a wire from his chest. My mouth flew open in surprise. He had to have put that on when he was getting ready in the bathroom.

  “Wait! So you gon fuck me and then just gon take my money?!?! This shit doesn’t’ even sound legal!”

  “Nashawna…You played with fire. Now your life has been turned into ashes. It’s over. Let’s go,” Rasheeda said as she and Darryl dragged me out of the motel room.

  Chapter 20

  Three months later…