Bart’s King-Sized Book of Fun

by Bart King

  Pirate Attack!

  Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be a pirate? Of course you have, because those buccaneers are a lot of fun!

  But hang on for a second. We have a problem! There are some people who think ninjas are cooler than pirates. This is outrageous! I mean, pirates have their own holiday where people imitate them: Talk Like a Pirate Day, on September 19.

  So what about it, ninja fans? Sure, you could be copycats and have Talk Like a Ninja Day. But since ninjas are known as silent assassins, that would be very silly. On the other hand, I think that having a Stalk Like a Ninja Day is a good idea, so let’s make it official: June 24 is Stalk Like a Ninja Day!

  And now back to the fun guys: pirates! There have been all sorts of pirates throughout history. In ancient times, sea raiders harassed Roman ships. During the Age of Exploration, corsairs attacked Spanish galleons full of gold. And today, pirate meanies in east Africa and Southeast Asia make weekly headlines.

  But the most popular image of a pirate is from the “golden age” of piracy between 1600 and 1750. That’s when buccaneers like Captain Kidd, Blackbeard, and Captain Morgan sailed the seas. These were the rascals who inspired Pirates of the Caribbean and lots of other kooky myths. That’s right, myths! You see, we know a lot less about pirates than we should.

  There was at least one pirate named Bart!

  Bartholomew (Bart) Roberts stole booty from hundreds of ships. His motto: “A merry life, and a short one.” This is quite a coincidence, because that’s my motto, too! (Except for the “short” part.) But there is one major difference between us. Bartholomew’s pirates declared “war against the whole world,” while I have only declared war on Timmy, the little punk down the street who keeps beating me at Wii peewee golf.

  Pirate Joke!

  Why did the pirate give no quarter? Because he was too busy taking dimes (and gold doubloons)!

  Pirates had a (twisted) sense of humor.

  If pirates attacked a Roman ship, they made sure to treat anyone who was actually Roman very politely. The pirates would apologize and even give the Roman a new, clean toga. Then they would set the Roman free by lowering a ladder over the side of the ship. And if the Roman chose not to climb down the ladder, they threw him overboard.[30]

  Pirates for Peace!

  Will Turner: We should turn and fight.

  Captain Jack Sparrow: Why fight when you can negotiate?

  —Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest

  Despite their brawling reputation, most pirates tried to AVOID getting into fights. That’s because there was no profit in fighting when you didn’t have to. Innocent sailors didn’t know that pirates hoped the ships they attacked would just surrender. That’s because most of the bloodthirsty sea marauders were actually afraid, too! But pirates WERE sneaky. They knew that getting something for nothing (aka “stealing”) was fun, but getting a cannonball shot through your head wasn’t. So they would play tricks to get close to other ships:

  They would fly a friendly flag from their ship.

  They would conceal their cannons and put lots of chicken coops on the main deck.

  To hide how fast their ship could go, pirates would often tie barrels to the back of their vessel. Then when they were really close to another ship, they’d cut the barrels loose, giving their ship a “turbo-boost” of speed!

  Once they were so close that the other ship couldn’t escape, the pirates would strike their friendly flag and fly the Jolly Roger! Its skull-and-crossbones design was designed to strike terror into the hearts of their victims. The idea was that if you surrendered right away, the pirates would be as nice as to you as a pirate could be. But if you fought them, supposedly everyone onboard would be sent to Davey Jones’s locker. (Which isn’t such a big deal, because Davey forgot the combination to it years ago.)

  This clever strategy was so successful, pirate vessels with as few as five buccaneers onboard were known to fly the Jolly Roger. So the whole idea behind the Jolly Roger was actually to make peace! Pirate expert Peter T. Leeson says that its real symbol should have been a dove on an olive branch!

  Pirates were often fair.

  In 1719, pirates boarded an English ship off the coast of Africa. When the ship’s captain, William Snelgrave, was threatened by the pirates, his sailors cried out, “Don’t kill our captain, for there never was a better man.” Impressed, a pirate told Snelgrave that his life was safe, since none of his employees complained about him.[31]

  Pirates believed in equality!

  Evidence suggests that the average pirate crew during piracy’s “golden age” was about 30 percent black. This was especially impressive, as slavery was legal in most parts of the world at the time. Pirates also elected their own captains.

  Surrender to the Bleeding Heart!

  Besides the skull-and-crossbones depicted on the Jolly Roger, other popular pirate flag designs included a full skeleton, an arm holding a sword, a bleeding heart, and an hourglass. (“No! The murdering corsairs are flying the hourglass!”)

  Pirates loved rules!

  Famed pirate leader Captain Morgan and his men wrote a code of ethics that members had to swear by. Soon, other buccaneers started doing the same. Pirates often outlawed thievery (among themselves, that is), gambling, and hard drinking! They even had health insurance. On many pirate ships, if a buccaneer got injured during a raid, he would be paid a set amount, and could expect to be taken care of afterward.

  Pirates were fun up to the very end.

  One buccaneer who had been sentenced to hang said to the onlooking crowd, “I do heartily repent.” The crowd hushed. Wow, this pirate really felt bad for all the plundering he did!

  The pirate then added, “I repent I had not done more mischief!”

  And everyone cheered!

  As you can see, far from being wild, lawless, bloodthirsty nut jobs of the seas, many pirates were actually thoughtful and organized. Heck, even today’s pirates can make some very good points. Recently, an African pirate said, “We don’t consider ourselves sea bandits. We consider sea bandits those who illegally fish...and dump waste in our seas.”

  Here’s one last piece of pirate booty. Do you know the song called “What Shall We Do with a Drunken Sailor?” It goes like this:

  What shall we do with a drunken sailor

  What shall we do with a drunken sailor

  What shall we do with a drunken sailor

  Early in the morning?

  Well, I think that drunken sailor is probably a pirate. I mean, who else would pour rum on his Cheerios? Anyway, a guy named Paul Spinrad wondered about this. What would you do with a drunken sailor? Here are a few responses:

  “Mark his face with big black markers.”

  “Swab him down with inadequate sunscreen.”

  “Make him star in High School Musical!”

  While these are all very pirate-like ideas, they aren’t very nice! I know a better thing to do. How about this:

  Turn on cartoons and give him pancakes

  Turn on cartoons and give him pancakes

  Turn on cartoons and give him pancakes

  Early in the morning!

  * * *

  [30] Later pirates would earn a reputation for being much kinder to their captives.

  [31] Pirates weren’t always hung up on money. One of them took Snelgrave’s gold watch, jokingly called it a “pretty football,” and kicked it overboard.

  Unexpected Fun

  As a fun person, you’re constantly “on the go.” But climbing trees, sailing around the world, and reading books like this can mean lots of scraped knees and misplaced eyeballs.

  Hopefully, all your accidents will be minor, and you’ll never have a real emergency. Because the only way an emergency can be fun is when it’s not a real emergency at all!

  For example, I can laugh about it now, but recently I was at another family’s house. I went to use the bathroom, but there was a problem. This family had a baby...so they had a baby-proof
toilet seat! What the heck? I tried and tried, but I could NOT get that stupid seat up.

  I thought about ignoring the problem, but I couldn’t. You see, it was an emergency! So I came out of the bathroom and quietly asked the baby for help. And then that little jerk told everyone! Oh, the laughter went on and on.

  Stupid baby-proof toilet seat!

  But one thing I didn’t do (though I was tempted!) was call 911. Nearly all nations have emergency numbers, but in several countries, like England and Scotland, it’s 999. When a Scottish reporter decided to track some recent 999 calls, he discovered one made by a man who demanded police action after a car drove through a puddle and soaked him.

  “That car got me wet? Emergency!”

  Another man called 999 to complain that he got too many onions in his Chinese take-out meal.

  “Too many root vegetables? Emergency!”

  My favorite was the woman who called 999 because her new rabbit’s ears were not floppy enough!

  “These ears aren’t floppy? Emer—”

  Sorry, but, you know, that’s just not an emergency.

  And finally, a woman in the English city of Manchester called 999 because her cat was playing with a ball of string. I know, that doesn’t sound bad, but this cat had been playing with string for TWO HOURS.

  Oh, boy.

  Let’s put a little thought into these phone calls, people! For instance, here’s a tricky situation: Imagine you’re looking at a live Web cam of a doughnut factory that’s a thousand miles away. (Just play along, okay?) Suddenly, you see a worker fall into the doughnut machine, or worse, maybe you see someone steal a maple bar.

  Should you call 911 to report the incident? I don’t know! But at least we’re thinking about it. We can also think about the Boston woman who called 911 because her fourteen-year-old son wouldn’t stop playing video games. (Two officers responded and “got the son to obey his mother.”)

  One of the classic “bad” emergency calls people make is to report a cat stuck in a tree. But those clever 911 operators have learned to give a standard answer to these callers:

  “Have you ever seen a dead cat in a tree?”

  I’ve never thought about it that way before![32]

  For some reason, many of the silliest 911 calls are related to complaints about fast food. Here are my top three favorites:

  A woman from Florida called 911 three times because the McDonald’s she was at had run out of McNuggets. Her quote: “This IS an emergency. If I would have known they didn’t have McNuggets, I wouldn’t have given my money!”

  Another Florida man called 911 twice when his Subway sandwiches weren’t made the way he wanted them. (His quote: “I got a situation here.”)

  A Florida man called 911 from the drive-through of a Burger King. Why? He had to wait for his lemonade.

  Well, so far I have learned two things about emergencies. First, bad customer service is not a good reason to call 911. And second, people in Florida need to think harder about their fast food.

  That Will Be XII Dollars, Please

  The idea of “fast food” goes all the way back to the ancient Romans. Roadside inns delivered food-to-go to travelers. Archaeologists have nicknamed one of the diners they dug out as “Big Maximus”!

  I have had a couple of close calls with actual emergencies. My scariest one was when I was hiking on a trail with some kids. Going up the trail, I almost stepped on a rattlesnake. It was really big! I thought about calling 911, but then I realized how dopey that would be, so instead I stepped away from the rattlesnake.

  The rattlesnake just sat there.

  (Wait, do snakes sit? They don’t exactly have butts. Okay, the rattlesnake just remained coiled there.)

  I raised my arms and yelled, “Aaaargh!”

  “Uh, that’s what you do when there’s a mountain lion,” said a girl named Samantha.

  “Got it,” I replied. Reaching into my backpack, I got out the perfect thing for the situation. I pulled it over my head and then took a step toward the rattlesnake.

  “Is that a mongoose mask?” Samantha asked.

  “Yep,” I replied. “The natural enemy of the rattlesnake!”

  The rattlesnake just remained coiled there.

  “Actually,” Samantha said, “the mongoose is the enemy of the cobra. Different snake. Different continent.”

  “Oh.” I took off the mask. “So what do we do?”

  Samantha looked at the rattlesnake. It just sat there. “We could just walk around it.”

  “But then the snake will have WON!” I protested. And then we carefully walked WAY around the snake. (I never did call 911!)

  Babysitting Emergencies

  There are “emergencies” and then there are “EMERGENCIES”! Let’s say you’re babysitting a five-year-old, and he scrapes his knee. You know he’s going to be okay, and you want to distract him from the fact that he’s bleeding a little. So keep a red cloth on hand! That way you can talk to him while you’re dabbing at his knee and he won’t notice the blood.

  With really young kids, you can take the “emergency” out of an accident by “boo-boo chucking.” Here’s how it works: If a wee one falls down and cries, have her “scoop” the boo-boo off and throw it at you.

  Then you pretend that the boo-boo just hit you. Yell out, “Not the boo-boo!” and fall down in agony. This usually gets the kid laughing!

  Note: Don’t hurt yourself when you get hit by the boo-boo. That would be a “boo-boo boo-boo,” which can be fatal.

  You know, now that I think about it, there are an endless number of ways that kids can get into problem situations. Time to get organized!

  Problem: You’re taking care of a kid who keeps biting you.

  Solution: Be less delicious.

  Problem: A troublesome kid demands money in order to behave.

  Solution: Charge the parents more and give the kid the increase in your salary.

  Problem: You’re watching a little kid who’s out of control.

  Solution: Go out to the car and let the child sit in the driver’s seat. He or she will happily bang on the steering wheel. (Note: Make sure the keys aren’t in the ignition.)

  Problem: You want the child to “stay within the lines” of the coloring book.

  Solution: Have a border collie watch him.

  How to Get a Kid to Confess!

  Imagine that you’re responsible for a group of kids. Maybe your teacher left you in charge of the classroom, or perhaps you’re getting paid to babysit. (Worst Case Scenario: Your parents made you babysit the triplets!)

  You turn your back for a moment (or an hour), when suddenly there’s a huge crash! It looks like someone has broken something priceless. And guess who’s going to get the blame? No, not me. I wasn’t even there! (Or was I?) No, you’re in trouble because you were (drum roll, please)...IN CHARGE.

  What you need to do before any adults show up is figure out exactly what happened and get a confession if possible. First, you’ll want to gather your suspect(s) and quarantine the area. If there is more than one suspect, separate them. Also, be sensitive to any trustworthy witnesses who may have seen the event.

  Now, on to the crime scene. You’re going to need to make a decision: Will you clean up the scene or leave it exactly as it is? It’s all or nothing, so this is important. If you choose to clean up the scene, that means you may be guilty of a cover-up. Your suspects will love this, but don’t do it if you think you’ll get in trouble. Leaving the scene alone is usually preferable; that way you can give a full report to the authorities with a clean conscience. Plus, who wants to sweep up broken crockery? Not me!

  Now you’re ready to interview your suspects. Try to say as little as possible during your initial questioning, and be sure to TAKE NOTES. Write down the chain of events that your suspect describes. Once you have done so, read back the story to see if the suspect agrees with it. A guilty child will be stressed by this—and he’ll be even more stressed when you then ask him to reconstruct the
whole event backward! Have the suspect give all the events that happened in reverse order. Innocent people have an easy time doing this. Guilty people (and ones under the age of five) have a really hard time with it.

  If you think your suspect is innocent, release him with a thank-you for his cooperation. If you think he’s guilty, don’t push it; just give your report when the adults show up.