Dirty Beasts
Page 1
ROALD DAHL (1916–1990) was born in Wales of Norwegian parents. He spent his childhood in England and, at age eighteen, went to work for the Shell Oil Company in Africa. When World War II broke out, he joined the Royal Air Force and became a fighter pilot. At the age of twenty-six he moved to Washington, D.C., and it was there he began to write. His first short story, which recounted his adventures in the war, was bought by The Saturday Evening Post, and so began a long and illustrious career.
After establishing himself as a writer for adults, Roald Dahl began writing children’s stories in 1960 while living in England with his family. His first stories were written as entertainment for his own children, to whom many of his books are dedicated.
Roald Dahl is now considered one of the most beloved storytellers of our time. Although he passed away in 1990, his popularity continues to increase as his fantastic novels, including James and the Giant Peach, Matilda, The BFG, and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, delight an ever-growing legion of fans.
Learn more about Roald Dahl on the official Roald Dahl Web site: www.roalddahl.com
QUENTIN BLAKE is a well-known artist whose work has made him popular on both sides of the Atlantic. He was Great Britain’s first children’s laureate and now lives in London.
ROALD DAHL
Dirty
Beasts
Illustrated by Quentin Blake
To Alfhild, Else and Asta
PUFFIN BOOKS
Published by the Penguin Group
Penguin Putnam Books for Young Readers,
345 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, U.S.A.
Penguin Books Ltd, 80 Strand, London WC2R ORL, England
Penguin Books Australia Ltd, Ringwood, Victoria, Australia
Penguin Books Canada Ltd, 10 Alcorn Avenue, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4V 3B2
Penguin Books (N.Z.) Ltd, 182-190 Wairau Road, Auckland 10, New Zealand
Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: Harmondsworth, Middlesex, England
This edition first published by Jonathan Cape Ltd, 1984
First published in the United States of America by Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 1983
Published in Great Britain by Puffin Books, 2001
This edition published by Puffin Books, a division of Penguin Putnam Books for Young Readers, 2002
Text copyright © Roald Dahl, 1983
Illustrations copyright © Quentin Blake, 1984, 2001
All rights reserved
Library of Congress Catalog card number: 85-594 (CIP data available on request)
Puffin Books ISBN: 978-1-101-66299-1
Except in the United States of America, this book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.
Table of Contents
The Pig
The Crocodile
The Lion
The Scorpion
The Ant-Eater
The Porcupine
The Cow
The Toad and the Snail
The Tummy Beast
The Pig
In England once there lived a big
And wonderfully clever pig.
To everybody it was plain
That Piggy had a massive brain.
He worked out sums inside his head,
There was no book he hadn’t read,
He knew what made an airplane fly,
He knew how engines worked and why.
He knew all this, but in the end
One question drove him round the bend:
He simply couldn’t puzzle out
What LIFE was really all about.
What was the reason for his birth?
Why was he placed upon this earth?
His giant brain went round and round.
Alas, no answer could be found,
Till suddenly one wondrous night,
All in a flash, he saw the light.
He jumped up like a ballet dancer
And yelled, “By gum, I’ve got the answer!”
“They want my bacon slice by slice
“To sell at a tremendous price!
“They want my tender juicy chops
“To put in all the butchers’ shops!
“They want my pork to make a roast
“And that’s the part’ll cost the most!
“They want my sausages in strings!
“They even want my chitterlings!
“The butcher’s shop! The carving knife!
“That is the reason for my life!”
Such thoughts as these are not designed
To give a pig great peace of mind.
Next morning, in comes Farmer Bland,
A pail of pigswill in his hand,
And Piggy with a mighty roar,
Bashes the farmer to the floor . . .
Now comes the rather grizzly bit
So let’s not make too much of it,
Except that you must understand
That Piggy did eat Farmer Bland,
He ate him up from head to toe,
Chewing the pieces nice and slow.
It took an hour to reach the feet,
Because there was so much to eat,
And when he’d finished, Pig, of course,
Felt absolutely no remorse.
Slowly he scratched his brainy head
And with a little smile, he said,
“I had a fairly powerful hunch
“That he might have me for his lunch.
“And so, because I feared the worst,
“I thought I’d better eat him first.”
The Crocodile
No animal is half so vile
As Crocky-Wock the crocodile.
On Saturdays he likes to crunch
Six juicy children for his lunch,
And he especially enjoys
Just three of each, three girls, three boys.
He smears the boys (to make them hot)
With mustard from the mustard pot.
But mustard doesn’t go with girls,
It tastes all wrong with plaits and curls.
With them, what goes extremely well
Is butterscotch and caramel.
It’s such a super marvellous treat
When boys are hot and girls are sweet.
At least that’s Crocky’s point of view.
He ought to know. He’s had a few.
That’s all for now. It’s time for bed
Lie down and rest your sleepy head . . .
Ssh! Listen! What is that I hear
Gallumphing softly up the stair?
Go lock the door and fetch my gun!
Go on, child, hurry! Quickly, run!
No, stop! Stand back! He’s coming in!
Oh, look, that greasy greenish skin!
The shining teeth, the greedy smile!
It’s CROCKY-WOCK, THE CROCODILE!
The Lion
The lion just adores to eat
A lot of red and tender meat,
And if you ask the lion what
Is much the tenderest of the lot,
He will not say a roast of lamb
Or curried beef or devilled ham
Or crispy pork or corned beef hash
Or sausages or mutton mash.
Then could it be a big plump hen?
He answers no. What is it, then?
Oh, lion dear, could I not make
You happy with a lovely steak?
Could I entice you from your lair
With rabbit-pie or roa
sted hare?
The lion smiled and shook his head.
He came up very close and said,
“The meat I am about to chew
Is neither steak nor chops. IT’S YOU.”
The Scorpion
You ought to thank your lucky star
That here in England where you are
You’ll never find (or so it’s said)
A scorpion inside your bed.
The scorpion’s name is Stingaling,
A most repulsive ugly thing,
And I would never recommend
That you should treat him as a friend.
His scaly skin is black as black
With armour-plate upon his back.
Observe his scowling murderous face,
His wicked eyes, his lack of grace,
Note well his long and crinkly tail.
And when it starts to swish and flail,
Oh gosh! Watch out! Jump back, I say,
And run till you’re a mile away.
The moment that his tail goes swish
He has but one determined wish,
He wants to make a sudden jump
And sting you hard upon your rump.
“What is the matter, darling child?
“Why do you look so tense and wild?”
“Oh mummy, underneath the sheet
“There’s something moving on my feet,
“Some horrid creepy crawly thing,
“D’you think it could be Stingaling?”
“What nonsense child! You’re teasing me.”
“I’m not, I’m not! It’s reached my knee!
“It’s going . . . going up my thigh!
“Oh mummy, catch it quickly! Try!
“It’s on . . . it’s on my bottom now!
“It’s . . . Ow! Ow-ow! Ow-ow! OW-OW!”
The Ant-Eater
Some wealthy folks from U.S.A.,
Who lived near San Francisco Bay,
Possessed an only child called Roy,
A plump and unattractive boy –
Half-baked, half-witted and half-boiled,
But worst of all, most dreadfully spoiled.
Whatever Roy desired each day,
His father bought him right away –
Toy motor-cars, electric trains,
The latest model aeroplanes,
A colour television-set,
A saxophone, a clarinet,
Expensive teddy-bears that talked,
And animals that walked and squawked.
That house contained sufficient toys
To thrill a half a million boys.
(As well as this, young Roy would choose,
Two pairs a week of brand-new shoes.)
And now he stood there shouting, “What
“On earth is there I haven’t got?
“How hard to think of something new!
“The choices are extremely few!”
Then added, as he scratched his ear,
“Hold it! I’ve got a good idea!
“I think the next thing I must get
“Should be a most peculiar pet –
“The kind that no one else has got –
“A giant ANT-EATER! Why not?”
As soon as father heard the news,
He quickly wrote to all the zoos.
“Dear Sirs,” he said, “My dear keepers,
“Do any of you have ant-eaters?”
They answered by return of mail.
“Our ant-eaters are not for sale.”
Undaunted, Roy’s fond parent hurled
More messages across the world.
He said, “I’ll pay you through the nose
“If you can get me one of those.”
At last he found an Indian gent
(He lived near Delhi, in a tent),
Who said that he would sacrifice
His pet for an enormous price
(The price demanded, if you please,
Was fifty thousand gold rupees).
The ant-eater arrived half-dead.
It looked at Roy and softly said,
“I’m famished. Do you think you could
“Please give me just a little food?
“A crust of bread, a bit of meat?
“I haven’t had a thing to eat
“In all the time I was at sea,
“For nobody looked after me.”
Roy shouted, “No! No bread or meat!
“Go find some ants! They’re what you eat!”
The starving creature crawled away.
It searched the garden night and day,
It hunted every inch of ground,
But not one single ant it found.
“Please give me food!” the creature cried.
“Go find an ant!” the boy replied.
By chance, upon that very day,
Roy’s father’s sister came to stay –
A foul old hag of eighty-three
Whose name, it seems, was Dorothy.
She said to Roy, “Come let us sit
“Out in the sun and talk a bit.”
Roy said, “I don’t believe you’ve met
“My new and most unusual pet?”
He pointed down among the stones
Where something lay, all skin and bones.
“Ant-eater!” he yelled. “Don’t lie there yawning!
“This is my ant! Come say good morning!”
(Some people in the U.S.A.
Have trouble with the words they say.
However hard they try, they can’t
Pronounce a simple word like AUNT.
Instead of AUNT, they call it ANT,
Instead of CAN’T, they call it KANT.)
Roy yelled, “Come here, you so-and-so!
“My ant would like to say hello!”
Slowly, the creature raised its head.
“D’you mean that that’s an ant?” it said.
“Of course!” cried Roy. “Ant Dorothy!
“This ant is over eighty-three.”
The creature smiled. Its tummy rumbled.
It licked its starving lips and mumbled,
“A giant ant! By gosh, a winner!
“At last I’ll get a decent dinner!
“No matter if it’s eighty-three.
“If that’s an ant, then it’s for me!”
Then, taking very careful aim,
It pounced upon the startled dame.
It grabbed her firmly by the hair
And ate her up right then and there,
Murmuring as it chewed the feet,
“The largest ant I’ll ever eat.”
Meanwhile, our hero Roy had sped
In terror to the potting-shed,
And tried to make himself obscure
Behind a pile of horse-manure.
But ant-eater came sneaking in
(Already it was much less thin)
And said to Roy, “You little squirt,
“I think I’ll have you for dessert.”
The Porcupine
Each Saturday I shout “Hooray!”
For that’s my pocket-money day,
(Although it’s clearly understood
I only get it when I’m good.)
This week my parents had been told
That I had been as good as gold,
So after breakfast 50p
My generous father gave to me.
Like lightning down the road I ran
Until I reached the sweet-shop man,
And bought the chocolates of my dreams,
A great big bag of raspberry creams.
There is a secret place I know
Where I quite often like to go,
Beyond the wood, behind some rocks,
A super place for guzzling chocs.
When I arrived, I quickly found
A comfy-looking little mound,
Quite clean and round and earthy-brown
Just right, I thought, for sitting down.
Here I will sit all morning long
And eat until my chocs are gone.
I sat. I screamed. I jumped a foot!
Would you believe that I had put
That tender little rump of mine
Upon a giant porcupine!
My backside seemed to catch on fire!
A hundred red-hot bits of wire
A hundred prickles sticking in
And puncturing my precious skin!
I ran for home. I shouted, “Mum!
“Behold the prickles in my bum!”
My mum, who always keeps her head,
Bent down to look and then she said,
“I personally am not about
“To try to pull those prickles out.
“I think a job like this requires
“The services of Mr Myers.”
I shouted, “Not the dentist! No!
“Oh mum, why don’t you have a go?”
I begged her twice, I begged her thrice,
But grown-ups never take advice.
She said, “A dentist’s very strong.
“He pulls things out the whole day long.”
She drove me quickly into town,
And then they turned me upside down
Upon the awful dentist’s chair,
While two strong nurses held me there.
Enter the dreaded Mr. Myers
Waving a massive pair of pliers.
“This is,” he cried with obvious glee,
“A new experience for me.
“Quite honestly I can’t pretend
“I’ve ever pulled things from this end.”
He started pulling one by one
And yelling “My, oh my, what fun!”
I shouted “Help!” I shouted “Ow!”
He said, “It’s nearly over now.
“For heaven’s sake, don’t squirm about!
“Here goes! The last one’s coming out!”
The dentist pulled and out it came,
And then I heard the man exclaim,
“Let us now talk about the fees.
“That will be fifty guineas, please.”
My mother is a gutsy bird
And never one to mince a word.
She cried, “By gosh, that’s jolly steep!”
He answered, “No, it’s very cheap.
“My dear woman, can’t you see
“That if it hadn’t been for me
“This child could go another year