Volition

by Lily Paradis

  After a few words are exchanged and Catherine hands him the phone, the doorman reluctantly leads me over to an elevator.

  I glance back at Catherine.

  “I’ll be waiting for you down here.”

  “Thank you.”

  She smiles and I know it’s meant to give me the strength to do this. Hayden’s almost a stranger, so I’m still apprehensive about explaining this to him.

  The doorman puts me in the elevator and presses the button for the penthouse.

  Of course.

  Seconds later, the doors reopen, and Hayden is standing in front of me, looking as debonair as ever, albeit exhausted. He’s wearing the same clothes as earlier but with more buttons open on his shirt.

  I almost don’t step out of the elevator. I could wait for it to take me back down to the lobby, but I force myself out before I can take that escape hatch. That’s all I’ve been doing for far too long. I pulled an escape hatch to get out of Charleston, and I can’t run anymore. I’m tired of running away from everyone and everything.

  “I owe you an explanation,” I tell him, feeling sheepish.

  His apartment is exquisitely decorated, but I can’t seem to tear my eyes away from his. He’s looking at me as though he’s not sure what to do with me since he clearly doesn’t know why I’m here.

  “I’m listening,” he says, motioning me into another room. “Can I get you anything?”

  He’s a gracious host. He was raised like I was.

  “No,” I say, shaking my head. “I just need to get a few things off my chest.”

  He gestures toward a living room, but I can’t sit. I’m too nervous.

  “I can’t,” I say. “Can I ask you a question?”

  If I don’t do this fast and now, I’ll never do it.

  “Yes.”

  “Why do you keep finding me?”

  “I like you. You’re fascinating,” he answers honestly. “You’re unlike any other human being I’ve ever met.”

  “And that’s why you asked me to dinner?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’m sorry I lied to you.”

  He smiles a bit at this admission, and he knows I mean the shellfish.

  “And I’m sorry I ran out on you.”

  “I’d still like an explanation for that one,” he says, putting his hands in his pockets.

  I take a deep breath.

  They say that you and your soul mate have a string connecting your hearts—not a literal string, but an invisible one. Instead of just one, I have so many strings attached to each part of my body, pulling me toward my soul mate at all times. I know those strings will constantly and forever be tied to someone else, so I don’t want to cheat Hayden out of his.

  “Do you believe in soul mates?”

  “Yes,” he answers without hesitation.

  “Have you ever found yours?”

  “I’m not sure.” He’s looking at me now like I’m completely insane, and I don’t blame him.

  I take another breath to get more oxygen into my body before I collapse. “I have. Remember when I was drinking on the plane? I left him behind. But that’s what I’m trying to tell you. I don’t know if I can ever be normal because I know what it’s like to feel him every second of every day. I know what it’s like to be away from him, but I’m doing it anyway. I can’t be with him.”

  “Okay,” is all Hayden says.

  “Are you going to say anything else?” Old Tate is bubbling up inside because Hayden isn’t saying anything. I push her down.

  “I’m not sure what there is to say. If you’re trying to leave him behind, does that mean you’re never going to try again?”

  “Try again for what?”

  “To be happy.”

  Hayden is one of the only people I’ve ever met in my life that I feel like I’ve known far longer than I actually have.

  “I would like to be happy.”

  “Good.”

  “Would you like to have dinner tomorrow?” I ask, trying to be New Tate.

  “Only if it’s not a sushi restaurant.” He grins. “I’m allergic to shellfish.”

  “Never shellfish,” I say, returning his gaze.

  “I’ll have Al drive you home,” Hayden offers.

  I nod appreciatively. The subway isn’t terrible at night, but I’m sure Al’s town car would be faster and more comfortable.

  I step into the elevator, and Hayden moves toward me as he unbuttons his shirt absentmindedly, presumably for the night.

  “Tate?”

  “Yes?” My voice is no longer steady.

  “Do you think you get more than one?”

  I know he’s talking about soul mates now.

  “I don’t know,” I tell him as I press the button to take me down.

  I can’t read his expression as the doors shut on me, and then he’s gone.

  I just lied to him again.

  No.

  Then

  I DECIDED I was going to vomit on my cotillion dress. I shouldn’t have voiced this thought out loud while Colin was standing nearby.

  “Really? Because I think I might throw up on your cotillion dress, too, and then you’ll have to go without wearing anything at all.”

  He wagged his eyebrows at me, and I threw him a disgusted look.

  Casper was barely paying attention. Once he registered what was happening, he shoved Colin.

  “Cool it, man.” Colin shoved back. “Take a joke.”

  Casper went back to his usual brooding self while Colin took a drink from the flask he was keeping in his pocket.

  “Nobody is throwing up,” Cece said as she floated into the room closely followed by a girl I had never seen before. “Nobody is ruining anybody’s dress.”

  I rolled my eyes. Cece would want to have everything perfect because her cotillion was perfect. She went with her longtime boyfriend, Emmett Worthington, and I was sure they’d be engaged by fall.

  Colin smirked in my direction as if to dare me that he would ruin my dress for me, but knowing Cece, she probably had another waiting in the wings since she knew I would be liable to pull a stunt like that.

  “Everyone, this is Jasmine. Jasmine, this is everyone.”

  Cece’s introduction was terrible. No one was paying a lick of attention, except for me and Colin, because everyone kept away from the terrible trio. Casper was too high to notice, so that left the two of us.

  I didn’t even bother with a feeble wave because I didn’t see the point. Colin didn’t bother to turn around, so we remained uninterested.

  “Oh, for goodness sake, Tate, be polite.”

  “Hi, Jasmine,” I said in my best pageant girl imitation to the dark-haired girl Cece had with her. I dialed up my accent within an inch of my life for good measure.

  Cece looked at me like I was a disgrace, which wasn’t that much different than any other day of my life, except that now she had a request.

  “Tate, show Jasmine around. She just moved here from New York, and I want you to be her first friend.”

  Right, because Colin, Casper, and I were the definition of friendly. I knew, however, Cece would never take no for an answer, so I had to at least pretend to like Jasmine for this brief moment in time.

  “Fine.”

  “Be. Nice.” Cece backed out of the room with her warning eyes still on me.

  I turned back to the mirror to look at my dress. It wasn’t hideous. I just didn’t want to go to cotillion. It was actually quite beautiful. Lara had it shipped in from Italy, so no one else would have a dress even remotely like mine. It was more bridal than cotillion, but that didn’t really matter. I’d never be getting married anyway, so I might as well wear a white dress for once in my life.

  Casper had already made several comments about dyeing it black, considering I didn’t deserve to wear a white dress that represented any kind of purity, which warranted a few more shoves back and forth between him and Colin. I wished Catherine could have missed her piano lesson to be here because she
would have been able to do something about the Salvatore brothers reincarnate.

  “So, Jasmine, what brings you to Charleston?”

  “Um, we moved here from New York. Daddy says it’ll be good for me.”

  Daddy. So, that’s what type of girl Jasmine is.

  “Oh,” I said, turning to her and smiling as sweetly as my black heart allowed. “I’m sure it will be.”

  She looked at me like she was utterly confused, but Colin and Casper saw through my act.

  “Will you be a debutante, too, Jasmine?”

  “I hope so. Your sister told me you could help me find a dress in time.” She was far too overeager.

  She wanted me to like her. I had that effect on people.

  “Oh, is that so? I think Cece fell down and smacked her little head on the ballroom floor. Do you have an escort yet?”

  Jasmine shook her head. “I barely know anyone here.” She glanced at Casper and stepped toward me to whisper into my ear, “What about him?”

  It was then that my evil laugh began, bubbling up from deep inside me. “Casper?” I said loudly. “Casper’s my boyfriend. And my escort.”

  Casper decided to participate in the discussion and took two steps toward me before crushing his lips to mine in a display of possession.

  “You two are disgusting,” Colin berated us. “Lighten up a little.”

  “You’re one to talk,” Casper said, stepping away from me to take his place beside his friend.

  “Oh, Jasmine, you’ll get used to it.” That was what I told her, but in my head, I decided I was going to make her wish she’d never left her pretty little New York City penthouse for the South.

  The South had a dark underside that I was sure New York couldn’t possibly conjure. My place. Charleston was my territory, and something told me Jasmine was trouble. Maybe that was why I didn’t feel mercy for her. Maybe it was because I was a terrible black-hearted, soulless person.

  “Jasmine,” I said, walking around her in the mirror as I admired the way my train followed me around, “what did you say your last name was again?”

  “Saro,” she said.

  I could tell by the tone that suddenly appeared in her voice with the mention of her last name that this wasn’t her first rodeo. She might as well be the New York version of me, only with parents and the ability to pretend to be a good person.

  “I’m Jasmine Saro.”

  Then

  SCHOOL WAS A real drag.

  Although I enjoyed being away from the Hale house, I felt an odd sense of loss when I left. I didn’t like leaving my parents, but it was more than that. It was deeper. I didn’t say good-bye to Jesse, but deep down, I knew I should have. My stomach turned itself into knots as I thought about all the things I should have said, but I couldn’t. Both of us had decided to play the game where neither acknowledged what was going on, which led me to believe I was insane. When I voiced this to Catherine and Colin, neither of them were the least bit concerned.

  “I mean, we already knew you were a little…different, Tate.” Colin made the sign for crazy and then replaced his hand in Catherine’s.

  She batted him lightly on the shoulder. “Tate, you’re not crazy. You’re just going through something. It’ll pass.”

  Except that it wouldn’t.

  As we came around the corner, we walked straight into a crowd that had gathered in the middle of the hallway. Immediately, I felt like I was going to be sick. Inexplicably, my lunch had decided to work its way up my throat and into my mouth. I tasted bile and tried to shove it back, but it wouldn’t go.

  “Tate?” Catherine released Colin and helped me to my knees. “Tate, what’s wrong?”

  The concern in her eyes scared me because if Catherine was worried about me just by looking at my face after everything she’d seen me do, this was bad.

  I couldn’t speak, so I just struggled through the pain. It would have to end soon. This wasn’t going to kill me.

  Colin shoved his way through the crowd until he got to the front. People stayed parted from where he shoved long enough that I could see what was going on. Casper had one of his latest victims cornered up against the locker bay, and he was beginning his ritual intimidation. Whoever it was must be new.

  As much as I loved Casper, I couldn’t stand it when he did this. Although I might not be a saint, I didn’t like watching him come to blows with innocent students just so he could cause a stir to show his power or maybe get suspended for a week until his family donated enough to the school for a new wing.

  “Oh shit,” Colin said loudly among the whispers.

  Catherine pulled me up and led me over to Colin, who put his hand around my waist to help me stand.

  When I saw Casper’s latest victim, I knew why my lunch was coming back up.

  It was impossible, yet clearly it wasn’t because I didn’t think the hallucinations I had over him were visual, only visceral. Before, when I was with Jesse, it was just a feeling. It wasn’t like I was seeing ghosts or anything. However, when I saw him standing before me in the middle of the high school’s hallway, I started to consider my sanity.

  Jesse Elliott, Groundskeeper for Hale Plantation, was somehow in a fight with my boyfriend on the first day back at school.

  Jesse finally saw me looking around Casper. The surprise didn’t register on Jesse’s face like I was sure it did on mine. He wasn’t having a visceral reaction to this like I was.

  That could only mean one thing. He knew I went to school here.

  Colin handed me off to Catherine.

  She clasped on to me like I was going to turn to goo in her hands. “Tate, what’s happening?”

  Colin reached around Casper to grab his fists, and it turned into a fight between two best friends. Casper might be bigger than Colin, but he was far too strung out to get in a good punch. Colin had him on the ground in less than a minute.

  When Colin was done, he turned to Jesse. “I don’t owe you anymore, mate.”

  Catherine’s voice was shaking as she reached out to a barely bleeding Colin. “Who is that?”

  The look in her eyes told me she already knew.

  “That,” Colin informed her, “is Jesse Elliott.”

  “You know, Tate, you really pull through. You didn’t vomit on your cotillion dress, but you did vomit on the first day of school.”

  I was curled up in the fetal position in the back of Colin’s car with Catherine sitting shotgun.

  “Colin, shut up.” Then, to me, she said, “Tate, I’m really worried about you. How’s your stomach? Do you want some crackers?”

  She handed me a saltine, and I crumpled it into my mouth. It tasted like sawdust.

  “Isn’t this what you fed that fish you stole from prom?”

  “I didn’t steal it. I saved it,” she said defensively. “And no, those were corn flakes.”

  “You fed a fish corn flakes? Doesn’t that seem the least bit wrong to you?”

  She shook her head. “I didn’t have time to go get fish food.”

  “For two months?”

  “Ladies, ladies,” Colin cut in. “I don’t really think this matters, seeing as the fish is dead now. Let’s just get back to Tate’s overwhelming summer problem that has apparently followed her all the way to school. Really though, Tate, how does he have enough money to go here?”

  “Maybe he’s one of the new scholarship students,” Catherine offered. “I could check up on him for you when I do the new-student orientation next period.”

  “Please do,” I said, taking another cracker out of the stack. “I don’t want to deal with my boyfriend beating Jesse up every chance he gets for no apparent reason. Why do you think he picked Jesse anyway?”

  “You know Casper. It was probably just a coincidence.”

  Catherine was right. Casper wasn’t one to be vindictive. He wasn’t me. He didn’t plot. He simply acted.

  This was fate kicking me in the ass.

  Colin dropped us off at the front of the school whi
le he went to go find Casper to calm him down. Catherine went to the new-student orientation while I went to journalism.

  Although I hated every other subject, I didn’t hate this class. I’d spent every single year building my way up to be editor-in-chief, and no one was going to ruin my moment. Nothing would ruin my moment—not even my stupid asshole boyfriend who snacked on innocents between fourth and fifth period.

  Everyone had already arrived since class was about to start. I took a deep breath and walked into the classroom, relieved that this would be a Jesse-free zone. Most likely, Catherine would be dealing with him down the hall.

  “Hello, everyone,” I began. “I’m Tate McKenna, and I’m your worst nightmare.”

  I’d spent half the summer practicing that line in my head. It had to be delivered in a way that made them believe it. I liked watching them while they shifted nervously in their chairs. I liked feeling wicked. I liked everyone else to be scared of me. Maybe I was worse than Casper.

  That was why I was dating him.

  I was about to start on the next bit of my well-practiced speech when two dark heads appeared in the doorway.

  “Sorry,” the girl said. “We went to the wrong classroom at first.”

  The grappling hooks in my stomach pulled, and I felt like I was about to be sick again.

  “Sit,” I ordered them.

  They did.

  Thankfully, Jesse and Jasmine also looked like they were going to be sick. I let the malice seep into my voice for the rest of my introduction, and I directed every bit of it at the two of them, sitting right in front of me like they hadn’t ruined everything.

  “Now, get to work.”

  The rest of the class scurried off to start their work while I stared at Jasmine and Jesse. Thankfully, I’d worn my best evil first-day-of-school outfit, complete with a black leather jacket and five-inch heels.

  “Shouldn’t you be at new-student orientation?”

  “Yes,” Jasmine answered meekly. “But the girl over there sent us here because she knew you wouldn’t want us to miss your class.”