Volition

by Lily Paradis

  I don’t hear anything in the world while I’m spinning. I just think about how everything I ever thought about the rain was wrong. I was angry for years because I thought it killed my parents.

  It didn’t.

  Fate did. Rain just happened to be there.

  I love the rain.

  This is a good sign.

  I’m not sure what I believe in, but if the drops falling from the sky could talk, I would think they’re telling me that my parents are here. They’re happy that I’m marrying Hayden because he’s the love of my life. He’s going to make me happy.

  The heavens have opened up, rain is pouring, and I’m alive.

  I’m so alive.

  Before, everything was so choppy. Then, navigating life was like wading through the rough seas. Now, it’s smooth and clear, and everything makes as much sense as it can. It’s not perfect, but it’s a start. Jesse was then. Hayden is now. I’m free now instead of the caged wraith I was then. I know how to embrace my dark side, but it won’t consume me. I know where I’m going because of where I’ve been.

  Clearly, Catherine and Colin are done letting me nearly drown myself because they’re drenched, too, and they’re leading me back upstairs. We pass several people on the way up, and their faces make me laugh.

  Jesse’s standing at the top of the stairway with a sad look in his eyes, but I don’t feel upset anymore. I feel sorry for him because he’s going to need to learn to let go, too.

  He means a great deal to me, and he’ll always be in my heart, but I’m not going to marry him.

  I’m marrying my best friend.

  I feel giddy, and I let Catherine push me into the dressing room where she starts taking my dress off of me.

  “Tate, I love you, but I don’t understand you.”

  I hug her, and our sopping wet clothes stick together.

  “I love you, C. Thank you for being my friend.”

  She looks close to crying again, so I reach around her to pick up a cloth to scrub my makeup off, so I can start again.

  Catherine takes off her own dress, too, and immediately starts blow-drying both of them. It’s a miracle none of my makeup dripped on my dress, so it’s just water that has to dry.

  That’s the thing. It’s just water.

  I want to laugh at myself for breaking down whenever it rained because it’s now my favorite thing.

  I laugh because today is the best day of my life, and I didn’t think that yesterday could be topped.

  “Tate, what is this thing on your finger?”

  She looks right below my engagement ring where my wedding ring will sit because Hayden’s name has been marked there with a Sharpie.

  “Oh, that,” I say. “It’s a long story.”

  Now

  I’M GETTING MARRIED now.

  Catherine is dry.

  I’m dry.

  Colin abandoned his suit jacket because he didn’t want to bother with it, and we’re walking across the street. Each of them is holding one of my hands like I’m a child who can’t cross the street by herself, but I’m happy. I’m giddy.

  Jesse is waiting across the street, standing underneath the entrance to the cathedral.

  Hayden is inside, and I can’t wait to see him.

  Catherine and Colin hand me off to Jesse. Catherine tells Malin to walk down the aisle with one of Hayden’s groomsmen, and she’ll be closely followed by Haley and another.

  Colin kisses me on the cheek, and Catherine squeezes me tightly as she hands me my calla lily bouquet.

  She gives me a look that tells me she knows I would have forgotten it completely had she not remembered. She’s the one who made this wedding beautiful, not me. I don’t really care about the bouquet, but I carry it for her and for my future self who will want pictures with flowers even if current me doesn’t.

  Then, she turns to take Colin’s arm, and they’re off, heading toward Hayden at the other end of the aisle. I can’t see him yet because I’m too far back. Jesse holds out his arm for me, and I take it and slide my hand down to his, so both are linked.

  There’s pain in his eyes, but I barely feel it instead of having it crush me like it usually does.

  We both know we have to do this.

  “You’ll find yours someday,” I whisper to him so softly I’m not sure he hears. I try to make him believe it as much as I do, but I know it will take him a long time.

  “I know,” he says, but both words hurt coming out of his mouth.

  The noise of everyone standing is my cue to walk in, and I smile at the fact that it is a version of “Danse Macabre” because Colin pulled through for me. I’m sure Catherine put up a fight over that detail.

  Some of the guests who know the song look confused, but I don’t care. This is my wedding, and I’ll get married how I want to.

  I lean on Jesse as I walk, and I can’t help but think I’ve been leaning on him my whole life.

  I smile at the faces I recognize, but I don’t search for anyone in particular. I’m focused on what’s ahead of me. I see Jim sitting in a pew, dressed in a new suit, and he winks at me.

  We reach Lara, and I think her eyes are going to fall out of her face when she sees that Jesse is the one walking me down the aisle. She reaches for Cece, who hands her a fan. I wish she weren’t here, but I don’t care right now. I’m too happy to care.

  My body doesn’t falter once, but my mind does hundreds of times as every Jesse-centered event I can remember flashes through my mind. Once we get past the first row, it’s all Hayden.

  He’s beaming at me like I’m the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen, and now, I know why the groom’s face is always my favorite part of a wedding.

  Jesse’s hand leaves mine, and Hayden’s replaces it.

  They nod at one another, and instead of sitting down, Jesse walks back down the aisle, out the door, and out of my life.

  I turn from my past to my present and future with Hayden, and I silently wish Jesse the best. He deserves to be happy, too. I want nothing but good things for him.

  The priest begins the ceremony, and I blindly pass my bouquet to Catherine behind my back, so she can hold it while Colin brings our rings forward.

  Hayden slides my plain black band over my finger to rest with its matching engagement ring, and I do the same with his. It’s onyx just like mine.

  We’re asked to say our vows, and I can’t help but smile to myself because this isn’t the first time.

  We recite them, and then we’re married in the presence of God and the state of New York.

  Hayden kisses me, and we’re met with thunderous applause as we walk back down the aisle as Mr. and Mrs. Rockefeller.

  Twenty-Four Hours Earlier

  “CAN I SEE the marriage license?” I ask the judge.

  He pulls it out and places it on the desk in front of us.

  Henry Hayden Rockefeller.

  Tate Evaline Rockefeller.

  That’s supposed to be my name after tomorrow.

  “Can I just change one detail?”

  “You can change it, but I’ll have to reprocess it. There’s a rush fee.”

  “How soon can you have it done?” Hayden asks.

  “Give me fifteen minutes, Mr. Rockefeller.”

  This is definitely a perk, but neither of us complains.

  “You’ll have to wait in the hall,” he tells us.

  We comply.

  We sit there, holding hands, and Hayden asks me what I’d like to change.

  “I need to add McKenna,” I tell him. “I want to keep my mother’s middle name, my father’s last name, and then add yours. I don’t want to be forced to choose or abandon anyone I love. I want to keep all of you with me all the time.”

  Hayden kisses my cheek.

  “Do you want to get married right now?”

  I bite my lip.

  “I don’t. I love you, but I want it to be traditional. I don’t want to do it because you feel like you have to in case you die or I die tonight. I
’ll come stay at your apartment, and we won’t separate until we have to say, ‘I do,’ so that way in case we die, we both go at the same time, and it won’t matter.”

  He seems to like this idea.

  “Okay,” he says as he squeezes my hand. “But I do have another idea.”

  “What did you have in mind?”

  He turns in his chair, so he’s facing me, and I do the same.

  “Tate Evaline McKenna, I promise to love you until the end of forever when we’re both dead in the ground. Because that’s not enough, I’ll love you even still. You’re the blood in my veins.”

  “Are we saying our vows?”

  “Yes.”

  “Oh.”

  I try to come up with something on the spot, but I don’t think I’m eloquent enough to match what he’s obviously been thinking about for more than just five minutes.

  “Can I ask you a question first?”

  I’m ruining everything, but I have to ask.

  “Are you okay with Jesse?”

  He looks at me like he knew this was coming because he knows me too well.

  “It’s okay that you chose him at one point in your life. We all choose the wrong people for ourselves. After all, I chose you.”

  He means it in the best sense, I know that, but it’s true.

  “Did you choose me?”

  “Yes.”

  “How did you know I wasn’t in love with him?”

  “When you’re in love, you don’t question it. You’re not in love with him because every time you think of him I can see your heart shattering through your eyes.”

  He takes one hand and places it over my heart.

  “Do you feel that? That’s me in there. It’s not him. It’s never been him.”

  Tears well up in my eyes because I’ve never heard anything described more accurately than what he just said. He gets it. He gets it all, and he still loves me. He loves me through it.

  I clear my throat and say to him, “Henry Hayden Rockefeller, I promise to love you until the end of time.”

  That’s all I can say, but that’s all I have to say for him to understand how much he means to me. I don’t want to muck it up with more words when something simple will do.

  I don’t want to put our rings on until tomorrow, but Hayden has other ideas. He pulls a clipboard down from the wall and uses the Sharpie that’s attached to write his name on my ring finger below my engagement ring.

  Then, he hands it to me, and I write my name on his finger where his ring will go. The names will be visible until the rings cover them, and that’s just how I want it. I want a piece of him on me forever, and I never want to let go.

  “Tate, look at me,” he says.

  I re-cap the Sharpie, and I do.

  He tips my chin up with his hand, so I’m looking right into his eyes.

  “I’m going to say something to you, and I don’t want you to hear it. I want you to feel it. I want you to see it in my eyes that it’s just for you and not for anyone else on this planet.”

  He pauses and waits for me to look away, but I don’t. I stare straight into those lightsaber green eyes.

  “I love you.”

  I feel it.

  Twenty-Five Years Earlier

  I NEVER WANTED one child, let alone two. I didn’t think I could be a mother after what my own did to me.

  But I didn’t have a mother, not since I’d married Denny.

  We were in New York on a business trip. He didn’t want me flying since I was pregnant with our second child, and the first was back with the wretch who birthed me in Charleston. Bless Cece’s little heart, but she was more like my mother than she was like me, and I knew our relationship would never last. My mother had talked of adopting Cece because she didn’t feel that I was fit to be a mother. She only talked about how crazy I was now that I was married to Denny.

  Too crazy.

  Too dark.

  Too much for Cece.

  Cece this. Cece that.

  It amazed me that her hatred for Denny carried over to me and the new baby, but not to Cece. Cece could do no wrong, and she became the new me. I was replaced by my own daughter, the newer and more beautiful model of myself.

  I wondered if that was how all mothers felt.

  I knew I wouldn’t feel that way about this child, the one I carried now.

  There was something like a dark storm cloud that was within her, powerful and unwavering. She was meant for great things. I was sure all mothers did feel that way about their children, but I’d never been more confident of anything in my life than I was of this child’s future.

  I smiled to myself as I sat on a bench in Central Park. I knew Denny didn’t want me hurting myself since carrying Cece to term was difficult for me, but a walk and fresh air would do me good.

  I felt compelled to go on this walk today.

  A woman pushing a stroller down the street caught my eye among the various joggers that were brushing past me.

  She looked completely out of place, and I couldn’t help but laugh.

  I knew this woman.

  At least, I knew her face from the papers.

  Lane Rockefeller.

  The world must have ended because I couldn’t picture one where she was pushing a stroller around Central Park in the middle of April.

  There was one child in the stroller, and an older boy running circles around her with an expensive-looking toy plane.

  “Mom! Watch!”

  He threw the plane, but it didn’t go anywhere. Instead, it came back and hit the child in the stroller on the head, and he immediately started wailing.

  Lane looked confused as to what she should do, and I couldn’t watch her train wreck any longer, so I got up to help.

  “John!” She was scolding the older child while the younger one continued to cry. “Don’t throw that near your brother. You could have taken Henry’s eye out!”

  “Hi,” I said to her as I leaned down to comfort the child in the stroller. “I’m Maggie. Do you mind if I help?”

  She looked at my stomach and nodded desperately.

  “Please. Our nanny has the flu, and I never know how to wrangle them like she does.”

  John started running around with his airplane, and Lane shouted for him not to go too far.

  I unstrapped the child from the stroller and picked him up slowly, so I wouldn’t hurt my back.

  “I’m Lane,” she said, leaving out her last name.

  I was sure she was used to people knowing it anyway. If it were my last name, I’d leave it off, too. I wouldn’t want that following me around. I wasn’t brave enough for that kind of a life, and Hale was hard enough to handle.

  I was much happier as a McKenna, and I wished my own mother could see that.

  I was always meant to be a McKenna.

  The child stopped crying and looked up at me with his enormous green eyes. I handed him back to his mother.

  “See? He’s okay. Sometimes, they just like to be held.”

  “Thank you,” she said, sighing with relief, as she bounced her son awkwardly in her arms. “You’re expecting,” she said. It wasn’t a question.

  Out of habit, I put my hands on the bump. “Yes, my second.”

  “A boy or a girl?”

  “A girl,” I told her.

  “I always wanted a little girl,” Lane said, looking at her two boys. “These ones are so rowdy. I wanted a delicate little girl. What will you name her?”

  “Tate,” I said firmly.

  She looked at me like she didn’t hear me right, so I repeated it.

  “That’s an unusual name for a girl,” Lane said as she put her youngest back in the stroller.

  I knew she was getting ready to leave me, and I would never see her again, but I couldn’t help but feel glad that we met.

  “Yes,” I told her fondly as I thought of the beautiful little girl who would soon grace the world with her presence. “She’s my little twist of fate.”

  AUTHOR’S N
OTE: Unless you’ve been given express permission, it’s illegal to publish song lyrics in books. There were several places where I had lines from songs placed before editing but had to remove them. I thought it was important for me to include a playlist in the back of this book readers could see where I got my inspiration to try to figure out what song lyrics I had used and where. Music was such a big part of my writing process, and it would be the way it is without most of these songs. In some cases I noted specifics about the song after the artist. Also, make sure to check out the tab labeled VOLITION on my Tumblr to see my inspiration board that goes with the music.

  Bad Blood by Bastille

  Laura Palmer by Bastille (Tate and Hayden)

  Oblivion by Bastille (Tate and Hayden)

  Laughter Lines by Bastille (Tate and Jesse)

  Skulls by Bastille (Tate and Hayden)

  The Draw by Bastille

  Flaws by Bastille

  Haunt by Bastille

  Durban Skies by Bastille

  The Driver by Bastille

  Torn Apart by Bastille & Grades (Tate and Jesse)

  No One’s Here To Sleep by Naughty Boy featuring Bastille

  What the Water Gave Me by Florence + The Machine (Tate and Jesse)

  Never Let Me Go by Florence + The Machine (Tate and Hayden)

  Breath of Life by Florence + The Machine (Tate and Hayden)

  No Light, No Light by Florence + The Machine

  Landscape by Florence + The Machine

  Hurricane by MS MR

  Bones by MS MR

  Take Me To Church by Hozier

  Ride by Lana Del Rey

  The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot by Brand New

  Nights in White Satin by The Moody Blues

  Your Wildest Dreams by The Moody Blues

  Supermassive Black Hole by Muse

  The Grace by Neverending White Lights (Jesse)

  Nicotine by Panic! At The Disco

  Far Too Young To Die by Panic! At The Disco

  Little Do You Know by Alex & Sierra

  Alexithymia by Anberlin