River's Winter

by Leanne Davis

  Good question. He rose up to his feet. Maybe he wouldn’t be allowed to stay there. Fair enough. He deserved that too.

  Hailey burst from Joey’s hold and turned on him, exclaiming, “He’s home. He’s back. He’s sober now. He’s my son. That’s what he’s doing here.”

  Joey’s jaw tightened, and his gaze flicked from Hailey to Jacob. “You’re sober?”

  “Yeah.”

  “How long?”

  “Two years.”

  “Bullshit. Two years and this is the first time we see you? Why don’t you tell your mother the truth for once? How much money do you need? What else do you need? You’ve all but ruined her life. It took her a long time to rebuild it after you stole it from her. She grieved over you. As if you really died. Brianna and I barely managed to keep her upright. And don’t forget Silas. Silas, her son, is what kept her going. So, whatever you came here to take away from her, you’re not going to get it this time.”

  Jacob blinked in shock. But there wasn’t any defensive comment he could think of to contradict Joey’s assessment of what he’d done so recklessly to his loved ones. He committed those awful acts. He was guilty. He would have sought protection from himself too. “I didn’t come here to destroy anything. I was actually hoping to rebuild my relationships this time. I don’t expect you to forgive me, Joey. But I’m asking for a chance—”

  Suddenly, a door slammed, and footsteps thumped as a colorful blur appeared: his sister. She ran to him with a happy shriek. Sobbing and smiling, she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tightly before leaning back, and staring up at him, unmasked joy in her beaming smile. “It’s really you. Mom texted me, but I didn’t believe it.” He glanced at his mom, shocked to learn she’d already contacted his sister. He saw another movement and realized it was Finn, his sister’s deaf boyfriend. Perhaps he was her husband now. He entered the room much more calmly than Brianna’s exuberant arrival.

  He looked back at his sister. “It’s really me.”

  Her head bent forward and touched his shoulder. “We thought you were dead. It’s been… what? It must be years since we last heard from you. We buried you in our hearts. Mom and I…” She started to cry in earnest and Jacob knew then that the generous love from his sister and mom could forgive his monstrous behavior. But what about Joey? And Finn? He suspected they would strategize an entirely different response. One that Jacob actually deserved. Not the instantaneous, sweet, loving forgiveness he felt from these two women.

  Maybe that’s exactly what he counted on.

  “I had to make sure I was really sober first. I have a lot to tell you. A lot to account for. But I am sober.”

  Hailey stepped closer and took Jacob’s face in her hands as she stared at him, scouring his face with her direct gaze. “Your eyes are clear. I haven’t seen them clear in many years. You’re telling the truth.”

  “Yes, I am.”

  Joey snorted, crossing his arms over his chest. He leaned back against the cabinet.

  Brianna interjected, “Oh, God, what about Silas? What… wait. Are you here to reconcile with Mom? Or with me? Or do you need something? What? Money? A job? Silas… what about Silas?”

  Jacob loved his sister, and he suddenly grabbed her and brought her closer to him in a desperate hug. Her brain spun, going a hundred miles an hour like she was on speed. Always the astute one. She was hyper-intelligent, organized, independent, and successful. Of course, her brain zipped ahead to consider Silas. Not only the parents who raised him, but also the one who had just returned.

  “You’re not here to… to take him?” she cautiously asked, muffling her voice against his chest.

  “No,” he said in a strong, firm, no-nonsense tone. “I’m not taking Silas anywhere. I don’t want money either. But I do hope I can get a job near here.”

  “Well, no shit you’re not taking him. You’re the one who left him here. Or do you even remember doing that?” Joey hissed.

  He stared at Joey over his sister’s head. “Of course, I remember.”

  “Then what… what do we tell him?”

  Silence was his only reply. His sister’s unconcealed feelings of joy and happiness were starting to dampen already. She pushed off him, seeming to remember herself, and started signing with astonishing rapidity to Finn. No doubt, she was catching him up on the conversation. In his long absence, Brianna learned American Sign Language, and Jacob assumed she also married her boyfriend, Finn.

  “That I’m Jacob. Brianna’s brother. That’s what Mom told him, and he accepted it. Then he showed me his Play-doh candy factory. That’s the end of it.”

  Brianna turned back to him. “How did that make you feel?”

  Brianna never pussyfooted but always got right to the heart of things. Jacob liked that, and he missed it. She had it all; besides her integrity, she was honest and forthright. All the qualities he lacked for over a decade. He never developed them. He realized he had a lot to learn and he longed to become more like her. “Strange. He looks—”

  “Just like you? Believe me, we know,” Hailey replied.

  “That doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t make Silas yours now, Jacob. Silas is still ours.” Joey added.

  Brianna’s gaze flipped to Joey and her face softened. “Oh… oh, shit, Joey—”

  “Don’t stand there looking sorry at me, Brianna Alexander.” Yes, she must have married Finn. Jacob tucked that nugget of information away. “Jacob’s sudden, unannounced appearance changes nothing. Silas is my son. Our son.” Joey snarled at Brianna, but Jacob instantly understood. His anger stemmed from his terror of losing Silas, and the rage he felt eclipsed any resentment toward Jacob. Joey was afraid of losing his son.

  “And Jacob is also my son,” Hailey whipped around to yell at Joey, her tone growing fiercer. Brianna’s hands flew into action as she translated for her husband.

  “Why don’t we just eat dinner? Everyone can calm down and we can discuss other things. Not Silas anymore. Nothing will be decided or changed tonight. So why doesn’t everyone just take a deep breath and sit down?” Finn’s even voice squelched the quickly escalating argument.

  “Hey, Finn,” Jacob said, turning so Finn could read his lips.

  “Hey, Jacob. Long time, no see,” Finn said with a small smile.

  They got along well during the few times he interacted with Finn when Finn first began dating Brianna. Jacob disappeared shortly after that.

  “I can hardly concentrate,” Hailey said softly. “My hands are shaking.”

  “I’ll finish,” Brianna volunteered.

  “It’s just potato soup and garlic bread. The salad is already made in the refrigerator.”

  “Got it, Mom. I got it. Go and talk to Jacob. Relax.” Her gaze flipped back to Joey. “And you just chill. This is hard for all of us. But he’s my brother and I refuse to lose him. Not again. Not so soon. Not tonight. Give us all a chance. Give this and him a chance.”

  Joey kept his posture rigid, but Brianna saw him nod. He sat down, followed by Jacob and Hailey.

  “I don’t even know where to start,” Hailey said as she glanced up at Finn. “I’m sorry, are you following me? I’m a mess…”

  “I’m following enough, Hailey. Thank you, but don’t worry about me. This is about you and Jacob.”

  She nodded gratefully and turned her attention to Jacob. “Remember the hard time I had with Finn?”

  Jacob recalled Hailey’s awkwardness when she first began communicating with Finn. Now she smiled at Finn with affection and made sure he could see her lips clearly. She surprised Jacob even further when she used a few signs before she continued. “Finn’s become like a son to Joey and me. He’s an invaluable member of the family to us now. I’m not very good yet, but Brianna has shown me some common signs, along with the alphabet, so it helps.”

  “Lots of changes taking place around here.”

  She shook her head, sending her hair swinging before catching on her lips. “Life goes on. To my horror and sadness, our
life eventually moved forward without you. How are you here? I don’t understand. How are you back here after so much time has passed?”

  “You want the full story with all the gruesome details?”

  “I just want the truth. Please? I’ve lived so long with lies, then loss, then nothing. No more empty words. Just tell me the unvarnished, unfettered truth, Jacob Starr. It’s been a decade since I’ve heard that from you.”

  “When you say it like that, can you ever forgive me for not telling you the truth for so long?”

  “I can,” she said with finality. “I can, and I will, freely and easily if you choose to stay in our lives. But I may never forgive you if you walk out that door again. I can’t do it. I can’t face that twice in a lifetime.”

  Jacob ignored the churning regret that started to infiltrate his guts. The hurt he caused haunted him, but so did telling the truth. His family clearly knew he was a hopeless heroin addict. But they never actually witnessed it. They never saw him high or strung out or jonesing for a fix. They didn’t see the filthy, bedraggled, unkempt, unwashed shell of Jacob Starr in the streets, when he cared about nothing but sinking the next needle into his arm. They never witnessed his sordid life in vivid Technicolor. They never knew what he had become. They might have guessed. But describing it now was a bitter pill to swallow. All it did was fuck with his head and drag his thoughts so easily back to that fateful day. The last day he did heroin, the day he really died. Maybe he should have stayed dead.

  Fading. it was all fading. The street lights that shone over him. The darkness beyond it, the glaring, terrible stench of the alley. Fading into gray, and for a few moments, black. No. Force the eyelids open. Stay alive. Stay aware. Stay here.

  Don’t die. Please, please don’t die.

  But he wasn’t sure. He wondered if he was dying. Right then. Right there.

  He cared. Of course, he did. He didn’t want to die. He didn’t want to fall into a black darkness and never come back.

  Right? Right. He surely didn’t have a death wish.

  Well, no, of course not. It’s not like he wanted that. He didn’t stick a gun into his mouth, so no, he wasn’t suicidal.

  Even if he chose to stick the fucking needle into his arm.

  He floated. He felt tired. So, so tired. Keeping his eyelids open was impossible. It couldn’t happen. He could not do it. It would have been easier to bench press five hundred pounds when he was sober. But high? Staying awake? Impossible.

  The pull of darkness felt so much more natural than the harshness of the light.

  The failure of his life.

  But what about his mom? It would hurt her. But at least she wouldn’t have to admit that her son was a drug addict anymore. Besides, she had Joey for a husband and he was a stand-up guy. She also had Brianna. Perfect, wonderful Brianna was her daughter, his older sister, and she made up for all the things that Jacob lacked. She was a saint.

  Yes, Mom had Brianna as well as Brianna’s deaf boyfriend, Finn.

  But best of all, his mom had Silas.

  Her other son. Silas had to be a far better son than Jacob.

  Even if he were Jacob’s biological son.

  The faint traces of pain stabbed his heart, but he was all numbed up. It should have hurt more. He should have cared more. His head lolled back, and his eyelids fell half open. He stared at nothing. He breathed, and his heart pumped irregularly. His thoughts scattered before they reformed and scattered again.

  Time faded. Time was no longer a determining factor of his life. Time came and went. Panic returned for a brief moment, but soon faded as his eyelids dropped down again.

  So what?

  He was ready to sleep. Rest. Be.

  Rest in peace.

  Life? What was left of it? He had nothing now. No one. He’d hurt everyone and burned all of his bridges. Broke. Broken down. Stealing and panhandling and still, he craved the very thing that in this moment was making his heart slow down and his eyes feel so heavy and tired.

  His costly salvation, and his only reason for living and being, was virtually the only time he didn’t fail.

  The same poison that took his girlfriend and his son from him could soon swallow up his whole life.

  Chapter Two

  HE CAME OUT OF the reverie. It was all over. Done. After two years of grieving that moment and suffering through recurring nightmares when it felt like he could not make his eyes open, Jacob was fed up. He often dreamed he was dying over and over again.

  But he didn’t die. And his family needed to know that. He wanted them to understand. They had to hear this. He hadn’t earned the right to keep it from them any longer.

  “Okay then, here it goes…” His mom gripped his hand and he held hers tightly. “I almost died. I overdosed behind a dumpster in an alley, and I was all alone.”

  His mom gasped, letting a sob escape, and Jacob cringed. The crowd he ran with, and even the people he met in recovery, didn’t find his story too shocking or unusual. He almost forgot that normal people didn’t know about such things. He, however, possessed an eclectic array of knowledge about various lifestyles.

  “Jacob. How did you end up there? I don’t…”

  “I know. You’ve wasted plenty of years wondering why I turned out this way. I don’t know, Mom. I was a shithead. Acting out. I guess it got away from me. It wasn’t anything you did. It was something I did. In the end, it’s because of the addiction to the drug. I was and still am an addict. It’s something I have to manage and deal with every day, all day, for the rest of my life.”

  “Do you think you can succeed in doing that?”

  “I can only think of doing that twenty-four hours at a time. That’s my only promise.”

  Hailey nodded her head. “I’m sorry. Please continue.”

  “I would have died in the alley but for this woman who spotted me. She was just some neighborhood woman in her sixties who was on her way to an aerobics class. She saw my legs sticking out, but why she chose to approach me when I was like that to this day still shocks me. But she did. She called the police and an ambulance came. They revived me, since I was close to dead. And I surely would have been if she hadn’t intervened. I even tried to walk away after they resuscitated me.”

  “You what?”

  “I was pretty gone still. The paramedics begged me to go to the hospital, but I tried to leave. I started to run, and in my stupor, I stepped off a curb into traffic and fell before a car ran over me. I was lucky to only suffer a broken leg and a sprained wrist. I was incapacitated though, so they took me to the hospital. That fateful accident saved my life.

  “The woman who called for helps was named Georgia and she followed the ambulance to the hospital. Georgia took a special interest in me and I became her pet project. She got me all the help I needed through a private organization. It was founded by a very rich woman whose son died from an overdose. Anyway, as the perfect candidate for one of her programs, she provided the funding for it. They transferred me to an effective rehab program and once I started it, miraculously, I stayed clean. I went to a six-month treatment center. Not a thirty-day camp session. They treated me inside and out, so the rehab would be permanent. They started with a medically-induced detox.”

  “What is that?”

  “A program to extract all the poison from your body. They now have medications and therapy that help the body and brain recover from heroin’s addictive effects. That was always the hardest part for me and why I avoided getting clean before. I couldn’t face the withdrawal symptoms. I can’t even describe the fear I had of those. Combining the medical treatment with behavioral and emotional therapy, I got through it. It took about ten days to beat the symptoms since I was a longtime, heavy user, but I did intensive therapy right after that, which made a huge difference.

  “They don’t allow outside contact with any others, which was another good thing for me. I was prevented from calling my dealer and other addicts who could have provided me with my favorite drug, heroin.
The mental withdrawal was the hardest for me. It’s pretty intense. Takes a long time. I finally got sober enough to actually turn my thoughts around, and I slowly straightened out. Being well-groomed and sleeping in a safe place with regular meals also made a huge difference in my life. The heroin took all of that away from me. It took everything: my whole identity, you guys, love, respect and my own sense of survival and caring for others. It also cost me my job and all of my money. I turned into a criminal, a schemer, and a liar. I risked losing my soul. As I slowly emerged from its grip, I crashed hard, and my mind was filled with anxiety and depression. They stayed with me for a long time. But, as before, through the tools of counseling and medication, which included private and group therapy, I managed to stay sober. It was really extensive, and it uncovered painful events that I wanted to forget. I wanted to contact you. I tried, but something kept me from letting the calls connect. My fear, I suppose. What if I failed again? What if I did the same thing all over again? I couldn’t forget the looks on your faces the last time I saw you. I was on a mission to beat it, as long as possible, before I could risk making contact with my family again.”

  “Really? Two years?”

  “I thought it was better if you assumed I was dead than to make you witness my downward spiral again. I think… no, I still believe, my way was kinder to everyone. To tell you the truth, I didn’t know if I could make it.”

  “And now? You think you have conquered your demons?”

  “I have no idea. But I feel strong today and that’s enough for me to resist temptation. Just telling you about it is pretty big.”

  “What do you mean? Why today?”

  He shrugged, and a small smile touched his lips. “On this day, at the exact time I knocked on your front door was the anniversary of when Georgia found my unconscious body behind the dumpster. So, I count today as my first day of recovery, like a birthday.”

  “Oh. That’s pretty profound and not random at all.”