River's Winter

by Leanne Davis

  “What happened?” Luna forgot all about her sleep deprivation, and the heavy sensation of wanting to sleep, as well as her foot pain and even the shooting and grief she felt. She was riveted by his story.

  “She was drunk one night and made herself a whole pitcher of margaritas. I joined in with beer and setting up shots. It became a toss-up over who could get drunker. We had this whole drunken, cozy scene. We made dinner together, laughing at our stupid jokes and pretended to accidentally brush against one another. We—”

  “Oh, my God! You slept with your dad’s wife?”

  “I did.” His tone wasn’t so sure and sounded soft and weary. “I really did. It was the summer before my senior year and I was suffering from all kinds of angst. I was also hormonal, and in short, a total dickhead. I thought my dad knew nothing, and I knew everything. We’d been fighting for months. I was dappling with pot and booze and girls, you know, all the good teenage stuff. Dad was my greatest hindrance. He grounded me and took my phone. Then he took my car. On and on the punishments went, which just made me madder. When he left on a business trip, I took advantage of the tension I saw between Trinity and him, and I started flirting with her. I pretend to myself I didn’t actually plan to do what I did, but thinking about my shitty-assed temper back then, maybe I did.”

  “No. I have to stop you.”

  “What?”

  “How old were you?”

  “Seventeen.”

  “How old was Trinity?”

  “I don’t know. Twenty-nine then. Maybe thirty. She was closer to my age than to Dad’s.”

  “She was still the adult. It was on her. I mean, it was a terrible thing to do, don’t get me wrong. But she was clearly the adult. It’s called statutory rape, isn’t it? If you weren’t eighteen yet?”

  “No. I will never claim to be a victim of that. I knew what I was doing and with whom. It was one drunken mistake. We never so much as made eye contact again. It was a horrific experience. But you know the worst part?”

  “Excluding the cougar-rapist?”

  He half sighed and half laughed. “I never told my dad. But I blamed him. Like my guilt only made me more furious at him. What kind of sense does that make?”

  She leaned back so her gaze found his. “I don’t think teenagers are supposed to always make sense. I imagine if you told him about it now, you’d only ruin his marriage.”

  “Yeah. And they seemed to work it out. It’s been nine years. I wanted to come clean, but that was selfish of me. I know it will make me lose him, and I don’t want that.”

  “I think it will cause more harm than good. Learn from the mistake. Try to be better. But I think it’s one of those cases where the truth might release some of your guilt, but the cost does not fit the crime. Besides, you were the teen. The kid. The rebellious, messed-up kid. This is strictly on Trinity.”

  “I didn’t tell you that story so you could let me off the hook. I told you so you’d see that I’m no hero, and what happened at the shooting really wasn’t me at all.”

  She turned toward him. “You chose to tell me a story you would never leak to anyone else because you were trying to show me your worst side?” She shook her head, touched his face and smiled with a soft, intimate expression. “It didn’t work. I think it’s just part of you. Your past. The guilt comes between you and your dad. But I won’t buy it. It’s no indicator of your integrity. I saw your heroism in full, action-film Jacob Starr.”

  He shook his head and buried his face into her sweet-smelling hair. “You’re wrong. Although I wish your version was me.”

  She patted his head. “And Jacob? I doubt I would ever like Trinity. That is, if I ever meet her.”

  He laughed out loud and his face popped up grinning. “You know what? You’re so fierce, I worry about her if she ever did meet you eye-to-eye.”

  “You’re damn straight. Taking advantage of a hormonal teenage boy…”

  “I was no innocent.”

  “Well, laws are in place for a reason. Primarily for that reason. You might not have been damaged irreparably but she definitely should have known better.”

  She flopped back down. “Thank you for trusting me with that.”

  “Thank you for not hating me.”

  ****

  In the end, Luna slept. Her breathing was regular, in through her nose before making a raspy release from her mouth. Not quite a snore, but Luna was definitely not a silent sleeper. Jacob slipped his arm out from under her and gently unwound himself from her and the bed before rising to his feet. He picked up the wet towel and threw it in the dirty clothes. He swept a hunk of dark hair off her face. She was lovely. Olive skin and black hair starkly contrasting on the white sheets. It was hard to resist her physically, but he warned himself not to go there.

  He shook it off. This was about making her feel better, not him. He was finally putting someone else first, someone who was good and heroic but suffering for that very reason. His suffering was just not the same. Not after he itemized all the things he’d done and been in his life. He shuddered. If she thought the Trinity story was edgy and shocking, imagine what else he could tell her. He backed up. It was hard to think about admitting his heroin addiction, living on the streets, Teresa’s death, his abandonment of Silas, or overdosing and disappearing for years from the family he knew and loved. Yeah, it made him sound like nothing but a loser taking a reprieve right now before he went right back into using and abusing those around him. Or grifting and taking money, like the money he took to get into his apartment. Someone like Luna would be right to find him distasteful and a fraud.

  She looked at him as if she saw only a man. Not a boy. Not a loser. Not a user scrounging in the gutter for another hit. Luna looked up at him as if he were a normal, capable man. A leader. And a hero.

  When did anyone ever consider him heroic? Not even his mother had ever done that. He started rebelling and screwing off at such a young age, there was no chance to earn respect for anything he did. So, it was tough to think about varnishing that. He preferred to squash it under the ugliness of the truth.

  The truth made him feel inadequate and for the first time, Luna looked at him as if he were so much more than that. She trusted him. Imagine if she only knew the half of it.

  His conscience pricked his heart. He didn’t want to lie. He detested lying. But neither did he want Luna to see him as the former Jacob Starr. This new version of being hailed a hero, a quick thinker who was courageous and brave was too surreal to believe. But the new identity he bore made him stand taller, and he threw his shoulders back and embraced a new and different way of living. The more often he heard himself referred to as a hero, the more he wanted to be one.

  He left Luna sleeping, locking her door behind him and hoping she’d sleep undisturbed until the next morning. She needed it badly. Hell, he needed it too. He didn’t sleep much better than she did. The only difference was he didn’t have the pain of a broken foot.

  He grabbed her keys off the hook where she kept them by her back door and slipped them into his pocket. He was wincing as it reeked of his not too distant past. Anything he wanted then was cavalierly lifted or scammed off people. This time, he hoped the end would justify the means. And his intentions for once, were about someone besides himself. Not at all like his former persona.

  He hoped Luna didn’t mind. But damn. When was his judgment ever reliable?

  Chapter Eleven

  JACOB CALLED THE NEXT day. “The first funeral is being held tomorrow.”

  “Yeah. Of course, it is.”

  “Are you going?”

  “Yes. Would you go with me? I think I’d feel more comfortable with you beside me.”

  “There will be a lot of cameras. They’ll be focused on us, especially if we’re together. But it’s for Karen and Roy Denvers. She was a cashier at the gas station in Pattinson. I’ve known her since I was a kid. She often talked to my mom when we went through the grocery line. They left behind twin girls. I have to go if only f
or that reason.”

  “They were my customers once, but I knew them too. And they were killed in my establishment. I have to go, too.”

  “Then fuck the attention. We’ll go together. I’ll be there. Remember? Feeling the same.”

  “Yeah. All right.” Luna could not deny the strong draw she felt toward Jacob, which was surreal because they didn’t even know each other a few weeks ago.

  She started to hang up when his voice stopped her. It was soft and hesitant. “Luna?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I can’t imagine how we’ll get through this. But helping you has helped me. I feel like I’m using you sometimes to deflect my feelings about it. I’m not dealing with it yet. That seems dangerous to me.”

  “Dangerous? How? We’re all trying to just get through. You and I are probably stronger than most people. As the heroes of the day, are we supposed to feel somehow better about what we did than everyone else? I feel worse than I did before.”

  “I feel the same way, too. One lousy day and all that. Want me to pick you up?”

  “Yes, I’ll be ready.”

  When Jacob arrived the next afternoon, Luna’s stomach was tied in knots and she hadn’t eaten. She wore all black under a large coat to cover herself before she got into the SUV. She opened the door when she heard his vehicle, and her gaze widened as she beheld Jacob Starr. He wore a black suit, white shirt and a dark tie. His hair was feathered back off his forehead and his face was as solemn as her own. Her heart overreacted, way more than the situation warranted. It was too close to attraction. Jacob was a shining golden boy, the ideal example of perfect male beauty and vibrant youth. She blinked and tried her best to shut out her racy thoughts.

  He smiled when he saw her but just barely. “Ready for this?”

  “No.”

  “Yeah, me neither.”

  He leaned forward and took her elbow and she hobbled over on her crutches. They didn’t talk on the ride over, and Luna gulped when Jacob put the blinker on to turn into the church parking lot. The lot was packed. Cars filled both sides of the main road, too. Media vans and their respective anchors were out front capturing the scene, and dozens of cameras zoomed in on the church.

  He pulled around to the back of the church. “I called the pastor and explained to her you were on crutches and we expected to get plenty of attention, so she promised we’d have the front spot here, so we could make a quick dash in. That way no one can stop us or try to corner us. See all those police holding the line? That’s partly for us. Fucking surreal, right?”

  She nodded. It was beyond all her expectations. Jacob parked, as promised, directly in front of the back door. The door opened and revealed the pastor Luna had listened to on the few Sundays she attended church in River’s End. She waved to Jacob, who got out and went over to speak to her. Luna opened her door, shivering against the cold and trying to step out by herself, but Jacob came around swiftly. He held the car door and took her hand to get her upright. She smiled her appreciation as she took her crutches from him.

  Jacob smiled back at her and they both saw the regret and sadness in each other’s eyes.

  He squeezed her hand. “Remember as sad as this is, you saved a lot of other people’s lives that night. It could have been far worse.”

  “It certainly doesn’t feel like it could be any worse than I feel right now.”

  “No, it really doesn’t,” he shrugged. “I’m just trying to believe my own BS.”

  They entered through a dark hallway and went to the side of the main room. Rows and rows of chairs were more than half full. Several seats were reserved for immediate family. Jacob indicated the row directly behind those. “Reserved for survivors. Who knew we’d belong to such a group?” His tone was low and lacking sarcasm.

  She frowned. “How do you know about all of this?”

  “The older gentleman right there? He was in the back of the café, crouching under a table. He called me last night.”

  She smiled at the gentleman Jacob nodded at. A woman nearer to her smiled warmly. She recognized more faces then, people she’d served or seen in her café. She didn’t know all of their names, but at least half had faces she instantly recognized. Those faces. The valley was such a small area, and everyone knew all the residents who lived there. The valley was not only comprised of River’s End. There were some other small towns there, too, and most of their residents arrived in solidarity. All their faces showed grief, shock, sadness, and empathy. At least the warmth and care of the entire crowd was obvious, although it felt overwhelming to Luna, seeing it all at once. But in many ways, it was part of the reason why she moved here.

  She had been looking for something more in her life. She longed to have a connection. A sense of togetherness. And to live in a like-minded community. Mostly, she sought a place where she felt she belonged. Despite the recent violence, which, Luna reminded herself, could happen anywhere, she still wanted to stay here. And it made her feel a little better to accept the outpouring of care and concern from all the other citizens. Prior to now, aside from Jacob, Luna felt alone in how she was dealing with it. Witnessing and surviving had become synonymous to her.

  It seemed cruel to belong to a group of people whose only gruesome commonality was the experience of the shooting. Witnesses. Survivors. Victims. All three categories came together and sat apart.

  The place was crowded, but very hushed. There were pictures taken by media, and some were of them. She kept her face down. Eventually, the pastor rose and began a very well-written tribute to Karen and Roy. The pastor used the tragedy as a symbol of the world at large. There was no sane reason for what happened to the innocents. Luna found it impossible to watch the family’s unmasked grief. Tears bubbled up from Luna’s heart and flowed incessantly from her eyes. All the ranchers who lived down in the valley bowed their heads and cried openly.

  Luna glanced up to mop the wet tears that streamed down her cheeks. The implications of irreparable harm to their town ran far and deep. Glancing around her, Luna saw all the bowed heads, grieving and praying. Tears fell from the most weathered and serious faces. Nowhere that she looked did anyone seem to be taking this first funeral lightly.

  Her breath hitched, and she sniffled. Jacob glanced over at her. His hand left his lap, and he put it on hers. She remained stoic for a moment, then she flipped her hand over with her palm up. She clasped Jacob’s hand and let her fingers intertwine with his. He squeezed her fingers tightly; it was the only thing that seemed to ease the pain. His warmth. His support. The feel of his concern and her connection to him made Luna sad but even more grateful.

  This was all so much. It was overwhelming.

  As the memorial ended, it was announced that Karen and Roy would be cremated, and the family was hosting a private reception afterwards. Luna wiped her tears as she hobbled to her feet, propping her crutches under her armpits and scuttling out. Jacob came up behind her, placing his hand on her lower back. She glanced toward the front door and saw cameras pointed their way, taking more pictures of them. She had no doubt they were intent on catching any small courtesies between her and Jacob. She panned the faces of the victims as well as the survivors of Lester Zandinsky.

  Jacob stopped. “My mom and sister are over there. Would you mind waiting just a sec? They know I’m still helping you, but I’m sure they’d like to say something to comfort me. They got pretty shook up by the tragedy.”

  “Considering how easily you could have been killed? Yeah, sure, go ahead, I think that’s pretty normal. Of course.” Luna felt slightly jealous that her own parents’ initial reaction was to shame her with guilt.

  She turned when an attractive mother and her daughter approached them. His sister was supermodel gorgeous: tall and curvy with long, wavy, strawberry-blonde hair. Her expression was just as troubled as Luna’s. Tears still dampened her cheeks and eyelashes.

  “Luna, this is my mom, Hailey, and her husband, Joey, and their… son, Silas.”

  Luna’s attenti
on fell on the attractive blonde woman and her husband. Joey made her step back for a moment, he was so stunning in his flawless beauty. Almost more than Jacob was, if that were possible. Joey held the little boy. He was very young, and he leaned his head on his dad’s shoulder, looking confused. Luna had no doubts he must have been upset because everyone else seemed upset.

  “That’s my sister, Brianna, and her husband, Finn.”

  Luna turned first to his mom and smiled and nodded. She said hi to all of them and they responded in kind. “That was so hard to hear,” Brianna said, her hands moving in what Luna instantly realized was sign language. She glanced around and noticed her husband staring at her hands. Huh. He was deaf? That surprised her. Finn noticed her watching them and gave her a small smile. Luna flushed. But Finn just smiled wider, so Luna couldn’t help smiling right back.

  “I just kept thinking…” Jacob’s mom commented as she choked up.

  “I know,” Jacob said, interrupting her before she got too morose.

  She stepped forward and hugged him, patting his arm. “I’m so grateful and glad you’re okay, selfish as that makes me. But we have to remember all the lives you did manage to save. It makes you…”

  “Alive. Let’s just be glad for that,” Jacob said quickly. Then he turned around and gestured toward Luna. “She’s been on her feet too long. I better get her out of here before all the people and the media try to corner us.”

  “Of course, of course. Go now. Feel better, Luna. I’m so relieved to see you’re okay and amazed that you two helped each other accomplish such an impossible feat.”

  She smiled. Those were the kindest words Luna had heard in regard to it.

  Once in the car and pulling away, Jacob shook his head and said, “That was so fucking miserable.”