River's Winter

by Leanne Davis

  He continued with the tender kisses. His touches were feather-light caresses or gentle rubs. “You smell so good. Your skin is so soft, I could lie here like this for hours.”

  She stretched out in a luxurious long line and crossed her arms around his neck. “You don’t have to ask me twice…”

  ****

  Luna woke up to find Jacob gone. She leaned back and sighed; the clock said it was almost ten. Luna hadn’t slept so late in years, and it felt lusciously decadent. The first time in many months, maybe even years, but especially during the last few weeks. Ever since that awful night. She glanced at her phone and saw a text from Jacob. He said he left to get a hot breakfast and would return soon. She quickly maneuvered her cast to the bathroom and started trying to spruce herself up, hobbling to her living room when Jacob’s vehicle pulled in.

  “Someone’s doing an exposé on the damn shooting, including us.” Jacob announced as he stormed into her living room. She jerked to attention at his sudden appearance and watched his angry pacing.

  “What do you mean by an exposé?”

  “I just got a call from someone, a neighbor in my building. You won’t believe this… they found someone going through the apartment dumpster, looking through my trash. They’re delving into my life now. They want to question me. Not just Lester anymore, they want every victim who was involved and any heroes that emerged during the situation. Everyone is trying to understand the personality of a mass shooter and to answer the question of why he would do such a thing.”

  “But we have nothing to do with the reason why. Lester’s reason was decided long before he ran into both of us, right?”

  Jacob ran a hand through his hair. “We don’t deserve this. We just acted on impulse. And tried to help. Who sits down and takes a moment to consider all the fallout of acting like a fucking hero? No one. You can’t consider the ramifications. You just act in the moment.”

  “Well, not all people act. You did, Jacob. You’re the only one who emerged a hero but please continue.”

  He turned toward her, touched her cheek as he leaned over her with his eyes gleaming and sensually placed his lips on hers. She blinked before shutting her eyes and falling right into the kiss. He lifted his mouth off hers and brushed his lips, saying, “Hey, sorry. I should have said hello first.”

  Her eyebrows rose, and she opened her eyes to find his whiskey-colored orbs staring tenderly into hers. God, that look! It melted her heart and made her knees weak. He looked at her as if she were a beautiful, rare flower or a classical painting he wanted to purchase. Breathless, she answered, “Hi. Be careful, I might get used to that greeting.”

  “I might get used to giving it,” he said, resting his forehead against hers.

  She sucked in a startled breath when he sounded so sincere. And heavy. She shook her head. “It’s too soon, huh? I mean, how we came together? What kept us together anyway?”

  “That we felt better with each other than we did apart, right?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’m not a warm, fuzzy person, Luna. I never felt like that with anyone else, for any reason. Ask my family if you don’t believe me. This is highly unusual for me. I’m not warm and caring with any other people. In fact, I’m usually known for being too cold, careless, and blunt. I don’t try to be that way, but I usually am. When I’m with you though, I feel like I am much more civilized. I feel much better. You somehow bring out the best in me.”

  “That’s a lot to put on little ol’ me. Don’t forget the significance of how we met, which is what really brought us together.”

  “I know. I don’t deny it. But that’s no reason to end what’s happening between us. Don’t you want to see where this goes? I do, right? I mean, the only way we can figure out if this is real is with the passage of time. Time filters the reality of extreme situations, right? So why don’t we pass that time together? Especially if it feels this good?”

  “It does.” She kissed his mouth because he was so close. His expression was earnest. “Why do you keep saying you’re cold and careless? You’ve been the opposite of those from the first moment I met you. I was a stranger to you and yet, you acted like you were personally responsible for my physical and emotional well-being. You keep saying that you always run away and avoid reality, so how does that explain you being right here?”

  He touched her face again, framing it with his hands. “That’s exactly what I’m telling you. This is so abnormal for me. Which is why it must be real and true.”

  “I don’t date often or trust anyone with my feelings very easily.”

  “I don’t either.”

  She set her hand over his and he engaged her fingers. “This could be something so much more. The media could poison it with too much coverage and gossip, and any outsiders can’t do much good for it either. When has chinwagging ever helped anyone? We’re not trying to seek attention and we’re not crisis-junkies. What we have now is very fragile and delicate. But you know what I love about you the most so far?”

  “My crawling skills?

  He smiled. “Yes, that too. I love the way you shun all the attention. You clearly don’t want it. You pray for people to ignore you. You worry about your café and what you’ll do about it now. But you’re so grateful when you can help anyone else who was at the café that day. That’s about the best character reference I could ever ask for.”

  “So, you think they’re going to dig into our records? Why? To vilify us? Find something that clashes with the narrative they’ve already created about us as individuals? Some are trying to romanticize us as a couple.”

  “Yes, all of that. Are you romanticizing us?”

  “No.” She stared him right in the eyes. “I was there. I saw all the blood. The body tissues that should always remain inside people were splattered all over a place I once spent a week redecorating with pixie blue paint. I recall you sitting on a gunman and me crawling through it, unaware I was in shock and badly hurt. No, there is nothing I find romantic about it, just that we emerged from it as friends.” She leaned on his shoulder, shaking her head. “We don’t deserve to be applauded or vilified. Why can’t they just accept what we did and leave us alone? Why do they need to know our identities? What if we have bad credit? Or we once cheated on a spouse? Or we were mean to our dogs? I don’t know, whatever makes us fail as the perfect cardboard cutouts of a hero. Why do they need to know so much? Why do they want to know?”

  He rubbed his hands on her biceps. “Beats me. Is… is any of those what-ifs true?”

  Her torso shook in his grasp and he laughed too. “No. None of them.”

  “Well, that’s good to hear. If you were being mean to your dog, I’d have leave now. I can excuse a lot of human flaws, but that, hell no.”

  “I’m surprised you can make me laugh still.”

  “I can?”

  “You totally can.”

  “Seriously. They are going to be pursuing us. Separate and together. Some guy was going through my trash. I just can’t handle it anymore. I like being with you. What if we could just leave it all behind? Take off together and leave all this shit behind. Think about it, Luna. Taking a break. No media. No café. No shooting. No more funerals.”

  “We can’t just leave and run away from everyone.”

  “Why not? We didn’t ask for any of this. We didn’t ask to become the town champions or for the nation to pass judgment on what we did. We handled a situation because of who we are. They want their heroes to be flawless, and they’ll rip us to shreds if we fail to meet their standards. Meanwhile, you’re suffering from insomnia and I keep having hideous flashbacks. We didn’t ask for this. Nobody offered us any roadmap for how to deal with it. We had no one to tell us what to do. So now everyone can pass judgment? Are we expected to become some kind of saints? No one deserves this. They want us to consider fundraising too. We can barely make it through the day with PTSD, and they expect leadership from us? We didn’t do anything to bring this on ourselves. So, fuck yeah,
we run away.”

  “We can’t. We just have new roles now. We are their heroes now. We could bring in a lot of money for the affected families. We should see them all honored and memorialized. We should pay homage to all of them since we are alive, and they are not. We should speak out. Neither one of us has done any interviews. What if we could maybe help? We—”

  “Should fix it somehow?” he interrupted her as he stepped forward and set his hand on her waist. He cupped her cheek and stared down into her eyes, shaking his head with his jaw clenched. “We didn’t do it. We didn’t cause it. We only made a very bad situation a little bit better. But now we are suffering for it. Just like those families. The pressure on us is not good, for me anyway. I need to get away and I want you beside me.”

  She gulped while staring up at him. The sincerity of feeling that she glimpsed in his dark eyes paralyzed her. Did he really mean she meant that much to him? She was amazed by his admission, right down to her toes. He brushed her hair back from her forehead and sighed. “Despite our terrible start, which wasn’t exactly a great introduction, I’ve discovered the only time I feel at peace is when I’m near you. I don’t know if it’s because of what happened and because we have so much in common right now. Maybe in two to six months you’ll wonder what the hell you were thinking, but right now, that’s all I have to go on. As of today. I’m not a flake and I don’t play with people’s feelings. If I say it, it’s only because it’s true. You are the only person I can stand to be near or close to right now.”

  “No, we didn’t cause this. And we shouldn’t feel like we owe anyone anything. But I can’t help thinking we have to stay. We got stuck with the label of heroes. People around here are still unsettled and scared. And they should be. Why could violence like this hit such a beautiful town? We represent their ideal citizens, the ones they want to hold up and praise. Can’t you see that? Things aren’t as terrible as being plunged into darkness. Think about all the heroes you revered as a kid. Look at what they did. How can we abandon that responsibility? Not when it’s for real? We didn’t ask for it, no. But we are their heroes now.”

  “Luna…” Jacob’s tone caressed her with its gentleness and affection. Her heart squeezed, and her knees could have buckled. She hadn’t had this kind of reaction to anyone in, well, ever. Lust? Yes. She felt that too. She wanted Jacob to stay with her very badly. Their connection was special and unique. “What if we just leave here for a week on a vacation? A small escape.”

  “In the middle of winter?” She bit her lip and tried to take some of the bristles out of her argument. Weather and cold were far more palatable right now than picturing the two of them on a sun-drenched beach.

  Jacob released a startled laugh, and a smile made his cheeks glow. Her heart sped up. Lord, he was so handsome. His teeth could have twinkled like stars they were so white. His dimples made his smile disarming, an irresistible combination. “We could get snowbound. I found a place that has a lot of snow. But it’s also gorgeous, and it’s somewhere that’s not here. Staring at that café is all you ever do. You should too, but let’s just take a few days off to make sense of all this.”

  “You don’t have to stare at it.”

  “No, but I can see the back side of it from my mom’s house. Please, Luna. You don’t want to enter it. You already admitted that. You can’t handle this any more than I can. So, come with me. We’ll go away. Come and be with me for some fun.”

  She took the hand he slipped over hers. He kept their fingers intertwined. “Okay. Except it’ll just frustrate me and make me mad.”

  “Why? How could that be?”

  “Remember, I’m an excellent snowboarder and I can’t even show off until my leg gets better.”

  He chuckled as he pulled her into his arms. “You’ll have plenty of time to show me all your tricks after your leg heals. I promise. I will snow ski, and you can snowboard. We’ll see who’s the better athlete.”

  “Promise?” She asked breathlessly as he leaned closer and kissed her.

  “I promise. This will be really good for us. I truly believe that.”

  “Us?”

  He slowly shook his head. “Yes. I mean us not only as individuals who are still dealing with PTSD, but also us as a new item. We’re dating now.”

  Her eyebrows arched, and she smiled. Jacob was the only one who managed to make her smile nowadays. “Dating? Like we’re—”

  “An item. We’re a couple now. Are you ready to say that?”

  “I’m ready to go away with you on a winter vacation.”

  “Let’s do it then.” He rubbed his hands up and down her arm. “I think it’ll be really good for us.”

  “And you’re okay leaving all of this on your family to deal with?”

  “They understand. Believe me. We’ll mostly benefit from Brianna’s help. There is just no one like her. Give her a task, be it organizing, leading, or marketing, and she’ll get it done so magnificently that no one else can hold a candle to her.”

  “Did that bother you growing up? Did you feel inadequate compared to her?”

  “Nah. I always loved her. I gave her plenty of crap but always with affection. She’s the kind of person I could never claim to be. She’s just naturally that way. I’m trying to be more like her.”

  Luna reached up and brushed back hair that hung over his forehead. “You say stuff like that a lot. Why?”

  He sighed and pulled back from her. “My life hasn’t exactly been a model of industry or morality. Barely worked at a job until two years ago. I wasted so much time, while Brianna was busy getting a master’s degree and building up a business. Her first career was working with charities and then she became a sign language translator and now, she’ll be a mother soon. Of course, she’s an over-achiever, and yet, she’s always adored me. Been my champion at every turn. She’s the nicest person I know. So yeah, she’ll help us. And she’ll be damn good at it.”

  “You say a lot of cryptic things.”

  “I do.”

  “You’re doing it right now.”

  “Yes.”

  “You’re not going to deny it?”

  “No. But so do you.”

  She nodded. “Touché. So, do we tell each other to not be so cryptic?”

  “We can. But do we have to do it all right now? Today? Time is the key factor, Luna. If we ever want some normalcy in our lives again, we have to allow time to pass. We have so much to learn about each other, so we can trust and like each other and shit, you know, just to feel normal.”

  “I could go for a heavy dose of normal.”

  “Then say yes. I went to dinner one day, and you went to work and now our garbage is being investigated. We don’t deserve this.”

  “I think we deserve a break. Maybe by the time I get back, I could find the strength to return to my business. Or maybe we could go out to dinner. I should probably start with something as small as that before trying to act like a functioning individual, huh?”

  “You mean us. We will find the strength to function as we did before. You’re not alone in this.”

  She leaned her head on his chest and glanced up. “Yes, it’s the only reason I can see for us to eventually get through it.”

  “Is that a yes?”

  “Yes.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  “THANK YOU, BRIANNA.” JACOB nodded at her with grave sincerity as he hoped she’d understand.

  “Are you running away again?” she asked. She was busily washing off her kitchen counter. Her pregnant belly was just starting to bump it as she moved. Her mouth flattened into a smile of sympathy. “I don’t blame you at all, Jacob, just asking.”

  “No. I really like her. I’ve never liked anyone so much before. Maybe even more than Teresa. We were just fucking chemically dependent on each other. Addicts love other addicts. But Luna…”

  “You sure it’s not because of what you survived together?”

  He leaned forward, staring at his clasped hands. “That’s the thing, Br
i. Yeah. We are. And we talk about it all the time. We make fun of it. We have plenty of doubt over what connects us. Yet we still connect. I’ve never been so honest with anyone. This is real. It’s liberating, and I feel closer to her than anyone I’ve ever been around. Except maybe you and Mom, of course.”

  “I understand. That’s how I felt with Finn. Right off the bat. He was deaf, and I was awkward, but we instantly made fun of my reaction, and his honesty allowed us to be friends right away. But are you sure you’re not running away from your problem? If someone is digging into your past as we speak, it’s only a matter of days before your heroin addiction comes out. I’ve actually been dreading that. Although I thought it would come out long before now.”

  He kept his gaze down and nodded. “I’m going away to avoid that complication. I hope to have a few more days with Luna before she hears about it. I have to try and convince her that I’m not like that now. I’m not ready to end this thing between us, whatever it is, because of what a piece of shit I was. That’s why I’m leaving town.”

  Brianna sat next to him instantly and put her hand on his biceps, squeezing it. “You have worked harder than anyone I know to turn it all around. Most addicts never survive long enough to get rehabilitated. Don’t be ashamed of it and don’t try to hide it. I mean, you should do this. Go away with Luna, but make sure that when she finds out, you tell her the whole story. The miracle of what you accomplished. Make her see the person you’ve become since then. Be the hero of your own story. You’re a friggin’ superhero. You beat the odds on substance abuse and addiction, but so many others can’t. I never thought you would. I thought I’d bury you before you were thirty years old and now, just look at you. Sobriety was your first heroic act so just make sure Luna knows that.”

  Jacob turned to look at his sister. “You were always too biased in my favor. Too kind. Too nice. Too willing to forgive. I’m sorry, Brianna, for all the terrible things I said and did to you, and any hurt I caused you. I did it without even fucking realizing how cruel I was being. I probably don’t know the full extent of it, but from the bottom of my heart, I’m so sorry. And I’m amazed you could still say nice things like that about me. God, you can tell your husband that I said he’s pretty damn lucky to have you for a wife.”