River's Winter

by Leanne Davis

  “You mean that?” Joey asked.

  “I mean it,” he said softly but with firm commitment. He sounded strong and sure. “Luna pointed out how wrong I was, and I had no argument. It was so obvious when she said it. I can’t afford it yet, but I’d like to do it legally, and I promise to pay you back for all the costs.”

  “I don’t give a fuck about the costs. We’ll cover them… if you really intend to do this,” Joey replied in disbelief.

  “I really mean it. And I will pay the court costs. I made a mistake when I left him. I abandoned him. I should pay for that, and I want to. I’ll just have to do it in monthly installments. I’m ready to pay for my mistakes, all of them. And live with the consequences of the ones I can’t change. And not being Silas’s father is probably the biggest mistake, when you add up everything. But you know what I’m grateful for? He didn’t lose anything. Nothing at all. He has two parents, a mother and a father, for his whole life.”

  “Oh, Jacob,” Hailey said softly. Her smile beamed with pride and tender love.

  To Jacob’s surprise, Joey strode forward and pulled him into a fierce hug.

  “Thank you,” Joey said. Firmly. Loud and sure. There was no shame in Joey’s display of affection. He had tears in his eyes and was shaking. “I can’t believe this. Thank you, Jacob. You can’t realize my fear of losing Silas. So, thank you.”

  He hugged Joey back and let the disappointment sink into his gut. He caused this. He made Joey his son’s father as surely as though he’d conceived him. There was no undoing that now, only living with it. It was best for Silas. For once in his life, Jacob did the hardest thing, the one thing he did not want to do, but it was right, and he did it for someone that he proclaimed to love.

  Finally.

  Silas appeared in the doorway. “What’s going on?”

  Joey turned, wiping his eyes as a huge grin lit up his face. He knelt down and opened his arms. Silas ran into them without hesitation. “Just talking about how much everyone in this family loves you.”

  Hailey put a hand up to her mouth as her gaze darted from Silas to Joey to Jacob and back again. She nodded, sucking in a breath and her chest rose as though she needed to shore up her strength. She blinked rapidly to avoid crying. “Daddy’s right. Just thinking how much we all love each other. What a close family we are.”

  Jacob smiled when Hailey came over and put an arm around him. The hollowness and jealousy were still there but the churning guilt and confusion he suffered from previously had calmed. For once, he knew it was the right decision. Never mind how hard it was.

  “Someday, we’ll be open about who is who. I think he should know his truthful roots when he’s able to understand all of it. And he can ask us any questions he might have.”

  “Absolutely.”

  “And I trust you to judge when that is, Mom.”

  She nodded. “Will you be okay?”

  “I’m better than I’ve been in my entire adult life. It’s hard and it hurts. But you know what? I feel it all and I acknowledge it all. Along with the love, fun, and friendship, I’m feeling pretty decent about how I’ve received all of those. That’s new for me and I still have a lot to learn and experience. So, while my age is twenty-six years old, sometimes I think my maturity is more like age twenty. It’s best that Silas has two stable parents. I’m no parent. I know that now. Desiring isn’t the same as being.”

  “Yet. You’re not a parent, or a father, or a totally complete adult yet. I believe you’re getting there, and you will eventually,” Joey said, shocking Jacob before he stood back up, letting Silas go.

  “Joey’s right. It hasn’t happened yet. But someday. You can still have it all. Believe in that and work toward that. Dream and hope and live for that bright future, not for the past and what it was or failed to be.”

  He listened very closely. He heard positive things like that before, but he ignored them and rolled his eyes. Now? He wanted to believe them. He realized he needed to change his inner self or end up where he’d been before, in a place he never wanted to see again. He sat down for dinner, and it was the first pleasant meal since his return. That was because Joey was grateful and was being so nice to him. Jacob left for home but received no contact from Luna. He passed her house, and her drapes were shut, but her lights were on.

  It made his chest ache to pass her place without stopping. She needed space. Time. He had to go home.

  He went home and tried to remember all the things he was striving to achieve, including a real job, the ability to pay his own bills, and to live a decent, normal life. No, it wasn’t particularly sexy or interesting, but it was real, and it was important. It offered lasting effects.

  ****

  Jacob flipped the news on just to see his latest transgression was in the eyes of the public. Their definition of hero had been diluted to a badly damaged, not-quite-right hero. It wasn’t pleasant or fair. Why should the public be fair? Everyone worried over how Jacob would handle the negative press. He did, too, but it was time to face it, despite the consequences and where that left him. Would he stay sober? Or start using? Those final criteria were on the minds of everyone around him. He understood that. He hoped that Luna eventually could, too. The news bounced around the current weather and the sportscast along with the regional traffic and the local crimes that were reported before they gave an update on the River’s End shooting. He hated that such a beautiful town was now known for such a grisly crime. However, everyone was moving on. Instead of it being the top story, he and Luna had faded from being in the spotlight.

  “Lester Zandinsky, the gunman who was taken down as he shot up the small River’s End café has been arraigned on eight counts of premeditated murder and is being held without bond. If convicted of first-degree murder, he could face the death penalty or life without parole. Zandinsky confessed to the shooting. A Grand Jury indicted Zandinsky on eight counts of first-degree murder as well as two counts of attempted murder. Prosecution has filed their intent to seek the death penalty. Zandinsky has entered a plea of not guilty. He’s been on suicide watch ever since. He’s not cooperating with the investigators and has offered no explanation or motive. Reliable sources have reported that he seems depressed and refuses to answer questions no matter who asks.

  “And in other details regarding this case, as first reported last week…”

  They started with a new exposé… on Luna.

  Jacob hated himself when the woman reporter said, “It has been confirmed that Luna Castellanos, the woman who helped take down the River’s End shooter also…”

  Chapter Nineteen

  WHEN LUNA WAS GIVEN the all clear, she could support her weight on her foot at last. Time had healed it. She’d done an excellent job at keeping it immobilized to give it a chance to repair itself. She realized her fast recovery was mostly due to Jacob’s incessant nurturing. He’d done so many little things for her, from keeping fresh groceries in her house to cleaning it up. She hobbled around a bit, but Jacob took care of anything strenuous. For the first time in her life, she hadn’t worked for all of six weeks. The cast made her itch and the discomfort drove her insane, but she’d seen it through to the end. Even if it were the only thing she had accomplished over the last six weeks.

  Had it really been only that long? It felt like several lifetimes to Luna.

  She’d been terrified at first of the horrible deed that tried to keep her in that space. She formed a new friendship and a short-lived sexual relationship that was different from any other she’d had in her life. It was so real at the time, too, filling her with hope after the amazing time they spent together.

  Only to come crashing down to a suspicion. Luna wasn’t sure what to do about Jacob or his past. He suddenly appeared intimidating because she would never have approved of the use of street drugs, let alone date an addict.

  But Jacob was the only one who helped her endure the last six weeks.

  The relief that she could finally step down on her bad foot was a luxury
and a thrill, one she wouldn’t likely forget. She entered her kitchen and felt like dancing. Then she remembered her doctor’s warning to take it easy. She was still pretty stiff and sore. They recommended physical therapy and gave her a number to call and she had to schedule it fairly soon. Sigh.

  Sometimes, the ordeal felt like it would never end and be with her always.

  She looked at her closed drapes and thought, How much longer? How long could she keep pretending her view wasn’t of the café? How long could she continue to waffle and avoid going back to work? She needed to get on with her life, so she had to find some way to deal with it. She either had to open her damn shades or call her landlord to end her lease. Maybe she should even start searching for a new place to live.

  A knock at the door interrupted her and she sighed audibly as she opened it only to find Jacob standing there. Her heart swelled in automatic relief and joy at seeing him, but instantly crashed and sank even lower. Damn. She could not be so carefree and happy to see him. She hadn’t decided if she could accept his past and what it meant for their future. She wasn’t prepared to find out yet.

  “Jacob? I’m not sure I’m ready to do this yet.”

  “Todd Lexington.”

  She gasped, and her eyes widened. That’s all he said. She wilted and replied, “Of course they know.”

  Jacob stood there, confused, and shaking his head. “Why didn’t you just tell me?”

  “Because it wasn’t something I had to share unless I wanted to. I never dreamed—”

  “Well, neither did I. I also assumed I’d be able to decide if and when I spoke of my past. This shooting put both of us in the spotlight. May I come in?”

  She nodded, stepping back.

  “Your foot!” he exclaimed when he saw her walking.

  She couldn’t help responding to the unmasked joy in his tone and warm smile. “Yes. I was given the all-clear. I still have to be careful, but I can start using it and slowly bearing my weight on it. It’s still very stiff.”

  She shut the door, so no one could overhear them. The last thing they needed now was more fuel to fan the fires of their current celebrity.

  His eagle-eyes stared out. “The drapes are open?”

  “I was looking at them. Thinking I needed to decide something. Something that’s concrete and real.”

  “About the café?”

  “Yes. That. This house. This town. Me.” She took in a deep breath and was unable to hold his intense stare, “You.”

  “If I can do anything…”

  “So, what did they report? I missed it.”

  “That your ex was an alcoholic who struck down and killed a teen while you were in the car.”

  She winced and nodded before turning to flop down on the couch, staring down. “He’s currently doing time for it.” She turned her head away as tears filled her eyes. “I remember the thump of the body when it hit the roof. He flipped up over the windshield. It was sickening. I kept trying to make Todd pull over. He drank like a fish all day long, but I couldn’t always tell if he was drunk. Or how drunk he was. He picked me up for date and we weren’t half a mile from my apartment when I realized how sloshed he was. I demanded he let me out, and I called the police from my cell phone. You can imagine the anger I got in response. We argued, and he kept taking his eyes off the road, getting louder, and more erratic. I threatened to jump out, and I had my hand on the door handle, when thump. It came out of nowhere. Like a movie of a couple arguing and then BAM! The huge, loud thump takes you totally by surprise and you don’t expect any of the characters to die. He was only a boy. Fifteen. He was trying to cross the street on his bike. We came out of nowhere and killed him right there. By the time I got out of the car and saw his body, he was already dead. So, you see, I have dealt with addiction before only to have disastrous results.”

  “Alcoholism is more common than my addiction, but it takes us to the same place.”

  She shrugged, and her tone sounded hollow. “I don’t know. I just saw a dead child bounce over the hood of the car I’d been driving in. In a matter of minutes, the police arrived with their sirens blaring, and Todd was immediately arrested. They took me in, too, but I was released when they realized I was the one who called them.” She shook her head, her tears flowing. “I didn’t know he was so drunk. I shouldn’t have argued with him because I only elevated his anger. I did that. I have to live with that every day. None of that changes that a child was killed, and I was there to see him die.”

  “So, you quit your job, moved out of Denver, and came here?”

  She nodded, peeling her cuticle. “Well, it took me a good year to get the nerve to put it all in place, but yes, that’s what I did. His family was in court. I saw their grief and it’s hard to live with that. A lot like the shooting, but the shooting was so random. Todd could have prevented the child’s death by not being drunk.”

  “Like I could have prevented all the bad things I did by not using heroin in the first place.”

  “Yes. I thought I loved Todd. He was being groomed as the manager of one of the food suppliers we used. A real executive with two master’s degrees. He wore a suit every day to work and was the opposite of you. He was slick, smart, savvy, and so sophisticated. Everything I thought I wanted. I just didn’t realize the impact of the cocktails I often shared with him, which were really a small part of his drinking. It went from cocktails before dinner, and with dinner, and after dinner, and well into the night. That night when he got mad and killed a teenager, I learned about the consequences of substance abuse rather quickly. Before it happened, I believed him when he told me he didn’t have a problem. He promised he would slow down and even stop. But the thing is, he didn’t stop. He kept right on drinking despite how dangerous it became. I believed his denials at first. And forgave his apologies and lies later on. I swallowed his heartfelt testimonials of his love for me hook, line, and sinker. And that a few drinks were not enough to affect his judgment or ability to drive. The thing is—”

  “He did need them. Like any other addict.”

  “Yes.” She shook her head. “I couldn’t see it at the time. Then I couldn’t stop it. I witnessed a child’s untimely death. I can’t do it again. The substance is different, but the result is the same.”

  “Addiction.”

  “Yes.”

  He nodded, and his expression turned grave. “What did your parents do after it happened?”

  “They wouldn’t speak to me. They blamed me for disgracing our family name, as they referred to it. They knew it wasn’t my doing, or my fault, but they still blamed me. I have to admit, I took that pretty hard. I had a group of friends I knew from work. And other friends just from around the city. I had an entire life before it happened, then suddenly, I didn’t. Several of my so-called friends turned against me or gave me the cold shoulder. That was hard to face. Living with what happened to the family of the teenager was impossible to ignore, and I blamed myself for everything. So, when my parents…”

  He got up and sat beside her, putting his arm around her shoulder. “Let me hold you. Just as a friend. Let me support you.”

  She nodded and started to cry. If only one of her friends back then or her mom or dad had said that just once to her, it would have made such a difference. The guilt and gut-churning hurt might have been more tolerable. “I know I blamed you and said you made a lot of mistakes, but look at the ones I made.”

  “The difference is you believed in the wrong person, while I was the wrong the person. Do you see that, Luna?”

  She sniffled and flung her arms around his shoulders, burying her head against his chest. She nodded but wasn’t exactly sure if she were agreeing or disagreeing.

  “So, your parents approved of me for not being a professional like your ex. They thought your taste in men had changed?”

  “Yes. And don’t forget that you saved some lives, instead of taking them. Can you blame them? I honestly do. I needed them so much and they refused to listen to me or suppor
t me or hear my side. All because it embarrassed them. The shooting? In their eyes, it redeemed me and therefore, their good name.”

  “Well, you can expect them to change their views after this week. But just so you know, you were portrayed as a victim of Todd, not an accomplice.”

  “I couldn’t bear to relive it. But I guess that’s something.”

  “Luna?” he asked after she was quiet for a long moment.

  “Yes?”

  “Don’t go. Don’t run. Stay here. I won’t lie to you. I’m not using now. You ran away once, and I don’t think it solved your problem. Stay here, and be part of my life. You won’t be alone or unsupported as long as you’re with me, whether I relapse or not.”

  She tilted her head and saw a small smile on his face. “Well, maybe I’m no picnic even sober. How would I know? I’ve never had a real relationship. But I want to have one. With you. You’ve seen a lot of death that nobody should ever see. You’ve had a lot thrown at you. I’m not denying that. I’m sorry about that. But if you leave here, you’ll have to start all over somewhere else. Alone. I didn’t think your parents were the kind of people who would come to your defense and help you out, but if this isn’t enough motivation for them to, what more would it take? I hate to be like that, but it’s the bare truth.”