by DC Renee
After an hour-long wait in line at the financial aid office, I got the shock of my life. I gave the clerk my personal information so she could look up my account and then proceeded to ask her several questions. “Can you tell me please how much money is left in my scholarship account? Also, I was wondering if I can use any of the leftover funds toward my graduate degree. And lastly, can you tell me how I can apply for the same scholarship as a graduate student? And if I can’t, are there are any other scholarships that are comparable to this one?”
“You didn’t have a scholarship dear,” the older lady informed me.
“But I got the paperwork in the mail and it said my tuition was paid in full. Please don’t tell me I owe anything.” I was on the verge of tears. There was no way I could afford three and a half years of college tuition and then figure out how to pay for graduate school on top of that.
“Your tuition was paid in full,” she told me as if I was crazy. Maybe I was. I couldn’t understand anything going on.
“I don’t get it.”
“You don’t have any outstanding charges for your undergraduate account. That was paid for while you were still a student here.”
“Okay, that makes sense.” Sort of. That was the case, but I was still confused as to why she had said there was no scholarship.
“And the funds for next semester have already cleared.”
“So my scholarship just continued? How did they know? You guys send some kind of continuation of schooling paperwork?”
“My dear, I don’t know what scholarship you are referring to, but we received a wire transfer every semester.”
“Can you see where it came from?”
“Sure,” she said as she flipped her computer monitor around for me to see my account information. “It always comes from the same account. It’s right here,” she pointed to the name and then read it out loud as I mouthed it. “Enzo Faust.”
“But I got a letter in the mail!” I cried out.
“I’m sure you did. We always send out letters when payment is received.”
“No, you don’t understand. This said my account had been settled.”
“That’s right.”
“But I thought it was a scholarship!”
“I don’t know what to tell you, but you are paid up through the next semester. You don’t have to worry about tuition for the next few months, at least.”
I walked out of there a zombie. Enzo had paid for my tuition. Enzo had paid for my tuition and never told me. Enzo had paid for my tuition, never told me, and didn’t expect anything in return all these years.
I was completely dumbfounded. That had been the sweetest thing he could have ever done for me. I had tasted the tears before I realized I was crying. Enzo made sure I lived part of my dream, no questions asked, no thank-you required, not even any acknowledgment.
“I thought he hated me,” I told Nora after I called her and explained everything. When I told her about our first night together, she had literally screamed at the top of her lungs. I had to pull the phone away from my ear.
“I told you he didn’t. I tried to tell you he was a good guy and was into you.”
“But he hated me. Yet he did this. I don’t get it.”
“That’s not all he did,” she mumbled.
“Huh?”
“I promised I’d never tell you, but you have to know that Enzo made sure to take care of you in his own way this entire time.”
“Spill it, Nora,” I demanded.
“How do you really think I was able to get you your car?”
“Your friend owed you a favor, right?”
“Oh, P. Come on. What kind of favor would warrant a guy giving my little sis a car? It was Enzo’s idea because he knew you wouldn’t take his money or a car from him, but he wanted you to have something safer.”
“But … but …” I couldn’t find the words. I had been driving home but had to pull over because my tears were making my vision blurry. The asshole wasn’t an asshole after all. I mean he was – with his words, his attitude – but not with the things that truly mattered. He had been there for me all along, and I didn’t even know it. No wonder I felt safe around him even if I thought I should have been scared.
“Oh God, Nora, I think I love him.” It was the first time I had said the words out loud and as appalled as I was by them, I knew I meant them.
“That’s great, P!” she exclaimed. “You love your husband! How weird is that, huh? But the world is righting itself. Better late than never.”
I cut off her rambling. “That’s not great, Nora! I’m just someone for him to sleep with. For all I know, he’s off banging some bimbo right now. I can’t love him. This is horrible!”
“He’s not, Paige. You don’t see the way he looks at you when you’re not paying attention.”
“I totally misjudged him. I should apologize.”
“I wouldn’t go that far.”
“But I can’t love him.”
“You keep telling yourself that.”
“I will!” I retorted at her snort.
“Go apologize to your hubby.” Nora laughed.
I had managed to stifle my tears by the time I made it home. The minute I walked in and saw Enzo sitting on the couch in all his gorgeous glory, a small smile playing on his lips as he watched TV, his hair lightly tousled and his shirt riding up on the side and exposing his abs, I lost it. I had spent all of our marriage hating him because I never gave him a chance to explain things to me. Rational thoughts were trying to break free, to tell me things might have been just as bad had I heard him out and I had every right to hate him. But I had not only forgiven him a while ago, but I also loved him.
My sobs must have caught his attention because the next thing I knew, he was right in front of me. “Oh my God, Paige, what’s wrong?”
His genuine concern had me bawling even harder.
“I’m so sorry,” I started, but my words were muffled.
“Shh, calm down, Paige. Whatever it is, it’s okay.” Enzo tried to soothe me, even pulling me into a hug, but I pulled away.
“It’s not okay! I misjudged you. I didn’t hear you out; I didn’t let you speak. And all this time, we’ve been at each other’s throats and we didn’t have to be. I was so mean to you, and you’ve been there for me this entire time and I didn’t even know it. All this time wasted …” I trailed off as I choked up. “All this time wasted hating you, and you were so good to me. How can you ever forgive me? I was such a bitch, Enzo! You didn’t deserve it. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.”
“Paige, Paige, slow down,” he cut me off. “What’s going on? You have to calm down and speak slower so I can understand what you’re saying.”
I took a deep breath and attempted to slow down my racing heart. It worked for about two seconds, but the minute I started to speak again, I just hoped Enzo could understand me through my tears. “I found out about the tuition money and about the car. You took care of me and helped me fulfill some of my dreams without me even knowing. That’s the best part, Enzo. You did it knowing I might never find out. It was completely selfless and that means the world to me. You didn’t expect acknowledgment at all. You just did it because you could. Don’t you see, Enzo? You were there for me this entire time and I was nothing but a bitch to you. I wasted four years of our lives because I didn’t let you get a word in. Can you ever forgive me?”
“Paige, there’s nothing to forgive,” he told me as he kissed the tears running down my cheeks. If I didn’t love him before, he was sure making it hard not to now. “You were never a bitch, and even if you were, I deserved it. We’ve both made some mistakes, but they’ve led us here, and that’s all that matters now. I quite like it here,” he added with a teasing smile as he pulled me back in for a hug.
“But-” I started to protest, but he laid a kiss on my lips; his sweet taste mixed with the salt of my tears. I was clearly a little messed up in the head because I found that intoxicating.
“No buts. Who’s to say things would have turned out differently if I had a chance to apologize? Who’s to say we would have been happy then? Don’t regret what we might have had because we have each other now.”
“Thank you,” I whispered. There were no appropriate words to truly express how relieved I felt at that moment and how truly happy I was, making Enzo one hundred percent right.
“You’re welcome, but you don’t have to thank me. I’ll always take care of you. You were always mine to take care of, Paige, whether we wanted it or not. And I’ve told you before that I take care of what’s mine. I hope you realize that … that you’re mine.”
“I do.” I couldn’t stop being his if I tried. I was done for. I just also knew that didn’t mean he was mine.
*****
Two months passed in a blur of entangled arms, legs, and bodies. And yes, those bodies were Enzo’s and mine. We were acting like a happily married couple, minus the couple part. Well, I had the couple part down, but I wasn’t sure what was going through Enzo’s mind and I didn’t dare ask. All I knew was that I officially loved my husband. He had literally changed overnight, not that I hadn’t seen glimpses of the man he was underneath all along. I just didn’t allow myself to truly believe all that. But sleeping together had turned him from angry and agitated to appealing and loving. Suddenly, his demands didn’t sound so forceful but rather erotic. His brooding moods were endearing. And his command of my body … well, that was just plain hot. I supposed my heart knew exactly what it was saving itself for even if my mind begged to differ.
I started noticing the little things I hadn’t paid attention to before. Like how at some point, my favorite cereal started appearing in the cabinet. I knew the maid did the shopping, but I had a feeling she wouldn’t have taken the initiative to stock up on it without someone telling her to. I realized Enzo always left the light on outside when I was coming home late. He parked his car to the side during the week so it was easier for me to exit the driveway. These were all things I had taken for granted but were clear as day now. Enzo was getting sweeter and sweeter in my eyes. I had dreamed of having a husband whom I loved with all my heart and it looked like my dream was coming true. The only issue with that was the second half of my dream was that said husband loved me just as much in return.
While Enzo’s actions showed that he was different, I wasn’t so naïve as to believe that he would magically care for me like that in such a short time. My feelings had been building for some time before they crashed over me. And once they gushed, there was no stopping them.
I still pretended to live a fantasy life. Just like I had on all those family occasions, only for longer and much better now.
I had been in my own little world for a while now and that day was no different. Maybe that was why it came as a surprise, although I should have known better when I came home early from work one day. I should have noticed the extra car in the driveway. I should have heard the voices coming from Enzo’s room, but I didn’t.
I stopped dead in the doorway to his room. Enzo was standing near the doorway with his back to me, but facing him, standing in the middle of the room with her arms spread open like she was waiting for him to gather her up was the most beautiful redhead I’d ever seen. Freckles lightly dusted her face and highlighted her bright green eyes; a killer black skirt suit fit her like a second glove accentuated her body. My heart plummeted. No, it didn’t just fall; it ripped a hole in the Earth, made its way to the core, and sizzled up in the heat.
I had been right all along. I wasn’t special to Enzo; I was just a convenient booty call, someone he didn’t need to try with or work too hard to get. I was another girl in his list of many. Deep in my soul, I had known that, but I never wanted to admit it to myself, which was why I never talked to him about what we were. I certainly never wanted to see it firsthand, but there it was, staring me in the face.
I turned to leave, hoping to retreat before I embarrassed myself, but the noise I made as I banged the door had Enzo turning to face me and the redhead finally noticing that I was there.
“Paige, you’re early,” he stated with surprise. I even heard a hint of guilt laced in his voice. More proof, even though he had the decency to feel remorseful; it gutted me.
“I’m … I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to interrupt. I’ll just leave you to do your thing.” I turned quickly, hoping the pain and humiliation I felt weren’t written across my features. It took all that I had not to run across the hall to my room. I walked purposefully and carefully so as not to make any more of a scene.
I closed the door and then plopped down on my bed, my head hanging and my hands in my lap. I felt like I sat in that position for an eternity with the pain slowly eating at me, but I know it was only a few seconds. I felt a single tear snake its way down my cheek and didn’t bother to wipe it away. My body felt like heaving, but the crushing weight of my agony was consuming all the energy I had. That single tear was all my body let my heart have.
“Paige?” I heard Enzo’s unsure voice at my door. “Is everything all right?”
Did he really think I could watch him with another woman and still be all right? Was that what all his other conquests did?
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“You don’t sound like you’re fine,” he said as he entered the room, closed the door behind him, and made his way to kneel in front of me.
What was the point in hiding behind those words? I decided to just tell him.
“I know I’m inexperienced with all this stuff and we never talked about what we were, so it’s not like we were exclusive. It just hurt to see you with another woman. But it’s fine, I’m fine. Really.” I wasn’t. I might not have been telling him the truth, but I’d never admit that.
“Not exclusive? Another woman? Paige, what?”
“It’s fine, Enzo, really.” If I said it was fine one more time, maybe I’d believe it. “It was just a shock to see you with someone else. But I get it. You should get back to your … er, date.” I couldn’t think of a better word.
“Wait … you think her and I …” He trailed off as his face went through a mixture of emotions. “Paige, she’s the interior decorator.”
“I don’t really care if she’s a stripper or the pope, Enzo. It’s none of my business.” He started laughing. He actually started laughing. “I don’t see what’s funny.”
“You won’t ever sleep in my room, right?” He asked it as a question, but I didn’t need to respond. “You said you didn’t want to be in a bed that I had shared with so many others. Well, you shouldn’t. You’re right. So I’m changing it. I’m gutting the room, altering everything, making it new for you. For us. It was supposed to be a surprise, but you came home early. That woman is a designer, not someone I’m sleeping with. You, Paige, are the only one I’m with, and the only one I want to be with. I am exclusive and so help me God, if you tell me you haven’t been or aren’t planning on it, I might break something.”
“You’re changing the room?” He nodded. “For me?”
“For me, too.”
“And you’re not sleeping with anyone else?”
“Not since we’ve been together,” he told me as he sat on the bed next to me and wrapped his arms around me.
This time, the tears did come. He wiped them away before placing a tender kiss on my lips. “You’re the only woman I want to be with, Paige. The only one I’ve been with in a while.” Oh God, I loved him. “Tell me it’s the same for you.” Didn’t he know?
“It is. It’s always been just you. I’m so sorry for jumping to conclusions,” I told him.
“I think your reaction was pretty tame, actually.” He chuckled. “I’m pretty sure I would have broken a few bones if the roles were reversed.” That got a smile out of me. I leaned in and kissed him gently at first, but our pressure increased in an instant. I needed him to feel just how relieved and happy I was. He was proving to be everything I ever wanted and more, I just had to learn to accept that. Even if he ne
ver loved me, I’d take this. I’d happily take this.
“Good,” he said as we broke apart. “Now that that’s settled, let’s go redecorate the master bedroom together.”
Turned out the beautiful redhead wasn’t so bad after all.
Twenty Six
Enzo
I’d never had the desire to say I love you to anyone. My mother didn’t count. I told her I loved her all the time, and even when I didn’t, she knew I did. The kind of love I was referring to was the one you have for someone you couldn’t live without, you didn’t want to imagine being separated from. The very kind that crept up, grabbed a hold of your heart and didn’t let go no matter what you did to shake it. I had never experienced that kind of love. It was not that I had an aversion to it. I was sure one day in the distant future Cupid might miss his intended target. The arrow would hit me instead, and poof, I’d suddenly be in love.
That was not quite how it happened. The sudden part was right, but it was more of a sudden realization that I had slowly fallen in love with my wife.
It wasn’t like one day you said, “Hey, I think I might like my wife a little.” Then the next day, “You know what? I like my wife a little more.” And then every day you realized you liked the person more and more until like turned to love. The truth was that you woke up one day and the person you spent all night thinking about was no longer beside you, and it felt incredibly wrong. You started to puzzle over what that meant and why. Was it because you were used to her? Was it because you were in a weird mood? Was it because you were cold? Okay, that was stretching it, but that was what happened. And then it was like a movie of only the relevant parts of your life playing at high speeds, like a slideshow on crack.
You saw everything right before your eyes. As if you could reach out, touch those moments, and hold them close to your heart. And that alone should clue you in to what you were feeling, but still, you didn’t give in. Or the fact that you actually remembered these events should tell you something, but still, you ignored the commentator, told him to shut the hell up because you were watching and you wanted to see what happened in the end. You saw yourself lust after your wife; you watched her sleep; you pretended to make love to her when you were with someone else (yes, this did happen, believe it or not, and yes, you remembered it). You saw yourself get angry that you were feeling things other than hate for her; you got extremely jealous of a boyfriend you didn’t realize she never had; you looked at her with longing, with pure fucking longing when she didn’t see you. You saw yourself wanting nothing more than to touch her, just touch her, because you knew you’d feel the current all through your spine; you smiled at her smile; you found everything she did amusing or enlightening. You found excuses to be around her, and then it cut off as if someone cut the movie with scissors, and you actually got upset that it was over. What this did was get you to think about why you were an asshole to her all those times.
