by DC Renee
*****
I saw the minute my words registered to Enzo. He lifted his hands from my stomach ever so slowly as if buying some time to process what was happening. Then his hands dropped to his sides and I swear I heard the wind rush from the spaces where they fell. I was sure I suddenly had acute hearing. I heard Enzo’s mind churning, his breath coming out in small short puffs as if he had run a marathon, the sound of the single tear running down my cheek, scraping against my skin. It was a moment I’d remember forever, the moment I hurt the person I loved the most simply because I loved him.
Just as suddenly as time had slowed, it magically sped up. Before my eyes had adjusted to the sights before me, Enzo was moving away from me, his shoulders slumped, the defeat apparent. I wondered briefly if maybe I had made a mistake, maybe I should have heard him out, maybe I shouldn’t have given into my fears. But that was just it – when you lived with fears all your life, you didn’t give in to them, you were them. I was a product of never feeling like enough. My life with Enzo was too good to be true, at least in the recent past, and I couldn’t fathom being worthy of that. I was aware that every excuse I had for severing my relationship with him was just that – an excuse – but to someone like me, they felt like valid reasons. To an outsider, I was absurd, looking for things that weren’t there, not listening to the whole story, but this was my life, not theirs. I was doing what I needed to do to protect not only my heart, but my baby too because I knew I wouldn’t survive it if Enzo broke my heart, and I had someone who relied on me now. So I pushed my worries aside and watched the man I didn’t want to see leave walk away from me. It was all so fast, as if someone had pushed the fast forward button on life. He was in front of me one second and in the middle of the street the next.
Time was a finicky thing because just then, it stopped.
I watched as the car came out of nowhere; I watched as it tried to slow down; I watched as it made contact with Enzo before finally stopping; I watched as Enzo fell to the ground and took my heart with him. This was all seen with such speed that I thought I was watching a time-lapse movie. But as I saw Enzo’s unmoving body on the road, that was when time ceased to exist. I couldn’t move my legs although my mind was willing them to run.
I stood frozen for an eternity until my mouth whispered his name on its own accord, “Enzo.” And that seemed to wake me up. I was at his side in seconds, my body covering his, my tears staining his clothes.
“Oh God, Enzo, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it. I don’t hate you. I love you. I love you so much. Please be okay. Please open your eyes. I can live without you in my life, but I can’t live without you in this world. Please, Enzo, open your eyes. I love you.”
“That’s what I’ve been waiting for,” he spoke as he opened his eyes.
I hugged him, probably too tightly considering he’d just been hit by a car, but I couldn’t help it. My relief was overpowering. “Thank God,” I breathed.
“Easy there, Paige. I’m okay,” he said as he started to get up.
“No, no, stay down, I’ll call an ambulance.”
“Paige, I’m fine, but please, tell me again.”
“I love you, Enzo.”
“Finally.” He sighed and pulled me to him. As I hugged him, I looked up and got a glimpse of the driver who had hit him.
“Gerry?” I questioned as I pulled away from Enzo. “What’s going on here?”
“I needed some help getting through to you,” Enzo admitted.
I stood up and Enzo followed suit. “Is this some kind of game to you? Let’s see how much we can mess with Paige?”
“That’s not it,” Enzo started, but I cut him off.
“Well, there you have it. You got the stupid girl not only knocked up but to fall for you so that you can please Daddy Dearest over there, but that wasn’t enough, was it? You had to keep toying with my life. I don’t know what this sick twisted thing you have going on with your dad is, but count me out!”
“What are you talking about? Pleasing my dad? Knocking you up? I don’t understand a word you’re saying.”
“I heard you, Enzo! I heard you that day. I heard your dad brag about you doing what you were supposed to do and you responded that was exactly why I was pregnant. Was making me fall for you a side effect or was that part of the plan, too?” I was screaming. I knew people were looking, but I didn’t care.
“Oh God, Paige,” Enzo practically cried. “You have it all wrong.”
“I’m not listening to you!”
“That’s the problem, Paige. Please just listen to me. You clearly only heard part of the conversation.”
“I heard enough.”
“Paige, I love you,” he told me before he lifted his head and yelled it for all to hear, “I love you, Paige.” People blocks away stopped and looked at the commotion. My heart melted just a bit at that.
“Paige, he’s right,” Gerry chimed in. “What you heard, that was all me. I have messed up his life plenty of times. This stunt here, though, that was me trying to make things right. He needed something big to get you to admit your feelings and finally talk to him. Just give him a chance to explain.”
Maybe it was the gentle tone in Gerry’s voice that I wasn’t used to or the way he took the blame; it was probably the pleading look in his eyes, but that moved me. “I’m listening,” I told Enzo as we made our way out of the street.
“Can we go somewhere private?” he asked earnestly, and I knew he didn’t want to hash things out in the middle of the sidewalk.
I nodded, conceding to his request.
“Great … you, uh … want to talk at home?” he asked, and I saw him cringe on the last word. It bothered me that he did so, but I wasn’t sure why.
“I’ll meet you there,” I told him, and I saw the disappointment written across his face. I needed some time to think things through before I listened to what he had to say. I watched him clap Gerry on the back, whispered what looked like a thank you, and then got to his car. He didn’t drive until I got into my car, and then he followed me the entire way to our place, no, his place. It bothered me that I thought of it as ours for even the briefest of moments. It bothered me even more that he followed me to his place as if he didn’t trust that I’d go there. My head was a mess the entire car ride. I was trying to process what had just happened and why I had agreed to listen to Enzo. I knew he’d fill me with great stories that would have me forgetting everything I had just accomplished over the past two months.
“Well, I’m here, so talk,” I told him after I followed him into the house and sat opposite him on the couch. The house was getting to me. It was so warm, so welcoming, so Enzo that it had me second-guessing my resolve and doubting my sanity.
“I don’t know how much you heard,” he started.
“I heard all I had to,” I interrupted him.
“Please Paige, please listen.” His request was so sincere that I found myself nodding. “Where do I start?” he asked himself. “Shortly after we got engaged, I found out the debt your dad had with mine didn’t exist.”
“I heard that too, but I didn’t get it,” I told him.
“Well, it turns out that our fathers wanted us to be together, so they concocted a scheme they thought would work. Your dad knew you’d want to be the hero, and mine tried to use money against me, but when that didn’t work, he used my mom, telling me he’d cut me off from seeing her.”
I had truly heard that part of the conversation, and although I was upset with my parents, the ramifications of their actions never fully registered. Hearing Enzo tell it again, I finally grasped just what it all meant.
“It was all bullshit?” I asked.
“I’m so sorry, Paige. That’s why I didn’t want to tell you.”
“But … why? And how did you find out?”
“Don’t blame your mom or mine. They didn’t know, but I guess your mom found out somehow and she raised hell with your dad and mine. She made her way to my parents’ place, and I was there visitin
g my mom.”
“I still don’t get why they’d do that,” I told him.
“My dad wanted your positive influence on me, and your dad was afraid you’d settle for the first guy to give you attention instead of someone worthy of you. Frankly, I think he picked the wrong guy. I’m not worthy of you and never will be, but I’ll fight every day to try to be,” he responded.
“Why didn’t I know about this?” I asked.
“I knew it would hurt you to find out that your father betrayed your trust and manipulated your good heart, and I swear to you, Paige, that I had your best interests at heart when I made our parents promise not to tell you because I didn’t want you getting hurt. But the longer I held onto it, the more I realized that you deserved to know. You’re strong and fierce, and I didn’t want any secrets between us.”
“But you didn’t tell me,” I cried.
“I was going to. That’s what you heard that night, Paige. You only heard half a conversation. I was giving our parents a heads-up that night that I was going to tell you the truth because…well because I knew it might affect your relationship with them. What you heard was me telling them I was going to tell you.”
“But I heard you tell your dad you got me pregnant because that’s what he wanted,” I argued.
“I was being sarcastic with him, Paige. My dad was being his usually superior self, thinking the world revolved around him and his decisions. I was just responding with mockery. My words were false, Paige. The baby we created, that was out of love. I fell in love with you. I fell in love. No amount of meddling could make that happen.”
“But the baby … you were with me because of our baby,” I trailed off, realizing I had kept us apart for no reason, realizing I had kept Enzo from our child for no reason. “I didn’t want to keep this child from you completely, and I never would have done that,” I told him quickly, wanting him to know that no matter what happened between us, I wouldn’t keep him and his child apart forever. “I would have told you,” I continued. “I just … I just couldn’t face you. I couldn’t look at you, knowing what I knew, and stay strong for our baby. I needed to be away from you, and I knew you’d never let me out of your sight if you knew I was still pregnant.”
“I tried hard not to let you out of my sight, and I didn’t know you were pregnant, Paige,” he pointed out. “When I asked you to spend the rest of your life with me, I didn’t know you were pregnant. I asked because I couldn’t imagine my life without you, and our baby was the cherry on the icing. I love you so much, Paige. I’ll love you every minute of every day for as long as I live and then some.”
“I still don’t understand … your dad … you hate him, but he did all this … and he was there today … the car … he hit you.” I couldn’t form coherent sentences. It was too much to process. What my dad did, what Gerry did, what I just learned, Enzo’s declaration of love.
“I owe my dad everything, Paige, because as much as I hate the way he did it, he brought us together. And as far as him helping me today … we had a heart to heart the other day. He’ll never win father of the year, but I think I get him just a little more. I asked for his help today because I didn’t know anyone else crazy enough to help me with a fake car accident to get you to admit you loved me. He didn’t have to hit me so hard.” Enzo cracked a joke while rubbing his back, but it was forced, the tension in the air still too raw for comedy.
“This is all too much,” I told him and stood up to pace. I couldn’t sit still any longer.
“I know, Paige, I know. God, I missed you,” he told me as he wrapped his arms around me in a hug. I shouldn’t have, but I let him
“Our love wasn’t a sham?” I asked as I stepped out of his embrace.
“No, Paige, it never was.” He paused, letting the words penetrate me, his body so close I could feel the heat through my clothes. “Why did you push me away?” His words were quiet, like he was afraid of the answer, and truth be told, I was afraid of it, too. For all my declarations, for everything I believed to be true the past two months, it all seemed so wrong now. Every reason seemed so frivolous.
“I … I don’t know. I was scared, Enzo. At first, I was hurt, angry, and nervous that you were only with me for money.”
“Didn’t I show you with all my actions that wasn’t the case?” he interrupted.
“Yes, but you have to understand that no matter how happy I was with you, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m not the type of person to get a happily ever after. I couldn’t believe you truly loved me. I was afraid that if you saw me, you’d know I was still carrying our child, and then you’d be with me out of obligation. I didn’t want to force you into this life with me. I loved you enough to let you go.”
“Paige, I failed you,” he spoke softly.
“No, God, Enzo, I failed you.”
“I didn’t do a good enough job of showing you just how much I loved you, just how amazing you are, just how much you deserve all the happiness in the world and more. And I was lucky enough to get that with you, but I didn’t see just how insecure you were. If I had done a better job, maybe you would have believed I truly loved you and none of this would have happened.”
“No, no, Enzo, it’s all on me. I misjudged you again!” I cried, his words and all the time wasted registering. I let my insecurities rule me instead of love.
“Shh, it’s okay.”
“No, it’s not,” I whined. “Over two months of time down the drain when we could have been together.”
“At least, it’s not four years,” he joked, and I didn’t fight the smile that made its way to my lips.
“I’m so sorry,” I told him.
“There’s nothing to forgive. But next time, please do me a favor and hear me out before jumping to conclusions.”
“I promise,” I told him.
“Good. Now, there’s something I need to ask you.” He dropped to one knee and grabbed my hand, his thumb brushing the empty space where my engagement ring once rested. “Paige, I never want to be without you ever again,” he told me as he quickly dug into his pocket and pulled out a ring.
I gasped. “Where did you get that?” I had taken it off when he signed the divorce papers, no longer able to look at it without bursting into tears.
“I had some help,” he told me. I later learned he had stopped by Chandra and Luke’s place earlier that day and picked it up with complete encouragement from my traitorous friends. “Paige Stiles, please marry me.”
“I can’t,” I responded, and I could see Enzo start to panic. “We’re still married,” I added, and the relief he felt was palpable. My tears were coming full force. All the feelings I had allowed to the surface, all the ones I had held down, and everything in between were pouring through me. I was overwhelmed with sensations – relief, sadness, happiness but mostly love. “I couldn’t bring myself to sign the divorce papers,” I admitted, so overjoyed that I hadn’t had the guts to do so yet, “so we’re still married.” It was one of the best things I had ever had the privilege of saying.
“Oh, thank God,” he breathed. The tension visibly left his shoulders. “I love you so fucking much, Paige,” he told me still on one knee; his smile so wide it threatened to divide his face in two. “Let me rephrase then. Paige Stiles, please stay blissfully and incomparably happy with me. Please make me the happiest man alive and renew our vows with me.”
“Yes,” I said and threw myself at him much like I did the first time.
“Oh, and one more thing,” he said between kisses. “Please move back home.”
“Absolutely.”
“I love you,” he whispered against my lips, my favorite three words ever.
So I responded with what became his favorite four words, “I love you, always.”
*****
“You make a stunning bride,” Gerry told me as he walked into my bridal suite at the Westshire Hotel. It was the most beautiful hotel I’d had ever seen. I was twelve when I attended a family friend’s wedding there
and vowed I would get married at the Westshire. It hadn’t worked out that way the first time around, but Enzo made sure I got to fulfill my dreams somehow.
When Enzo asked me how and where I wanted to renew our vows, I told him I didn’t care because he’d already fulfilled all my dreams.
“I’d be content with a simple ceremony, just our close friends and family. I just want to stand in front of the people who matter the most and tell them just how much you mean to me.”
“Sounds perfect,” he said against my lips. He hired a wedding coordinator who seemed to pretty much agree with everything I said. She brought designs and patterns, pictures and vendors straight to my doorstep. I had never heard of anything like that before, but I figured money bought that convenience. Little did I know that it was all for show. She and Enzo were appeasing my “simple” request so that I would be none-the-wiser to what was really going on.
When the white vintage Rolls Royce appeared at our home waiting to escort me to my supposed destination earlier that morning, I knew something was up.
“This isn’t the way to the banquet hall,” I told the driver.
“I know,” he told me. I started to panic and immediately called Enzo.
“I see you’ve got my surprise.”
“How … how did you know this was the car I wanted for my wedding?”
“A magician never tells his secrets.”
“A magician?”
“Yep,” he popped the “p.” “Today, I’m making certain decisions disappear while other plans reappear.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Just go with it, Paige. I promise you’ll like it.”
Enzo refused to sleep apart the night before what I termed our Renewal Wedding, but he left early that morning to run mysterious last-minute errands. He never mentioned any change of plans, though.
