Darker Side Of Desire

by Penny Jordan

  It was no choice at all and he knew it, Claire thought bitterly. How could she even contemplate saving her own life at the cost of Saud's? Once they walked into the desert they might as well be dead, she knew that, but she also knew that she would not even think of trying to save herself by sacrificing Saud.

  'I choose the desert,' she said proudly, lifting her head to meet the cold dark eyes, 'and I give thanks to Allah that he gives special care to women in my condition.'

  'Personally I care nothing for these old supersti­tions,' Hasim told her callously, 'but my men have learned of your condition and would doubtless react adversely if I killed you or instructed them to do so, and until I have taken my uncle's place I shall need their support. Now… walk…'

  Refusing to give in to the urge to look behind her, Claire did as he instructed. With every step she half expected to hear the whine of bullets behind her, but it seemed Hasim had spoken the truth when he had said that his men would not kill her.

  'Walk and keep on walking for two hours,' he called after her. 'If you attempt to return to the oasis before that time is up, Saud will be killed.'

  And if she kept walking for two hours, the oasis would be lost from her sight, Claire thought bitterly. It had taken six hours for them to reach the oasis—in a car—and although she was following the road, she knew quite well that she would die, of thirst and heat, before she could reach safety. Feverishly she tried to think. Perhaps if she only walked at night. It was colder then… but how long could she exist without water? How long could Saud exist? Already he was a heavy burden for her to carry, and already the horizon was wavering in front of her. She stopped and turned. Hasim was standing watching her, rifle slung casually over his arm. No, her only option was to go on… and on… her mind thought drearily as two hours melted into three and she had no clear idea of where she was going, the road a dark ribbon where it wasn't obliterated by sand.

  Saud was awake, demanding to be put down. Surely it wouldn't hurt her to stop for a brief rest? Three hours. Hasim would have left the oasis by now. She could turn back, but as she did so, Claire was attacked by swirling dizziness. She forced herself to walk back, counting her footsteps, forcing herself to concentrate, unaware until she found herself ankle-deep in sand that she had somehow strayed off the road. It was a physical effort to keep her eyes open, her skin burned, her body flinched from the scorch of the sun. She had to sit down and rest… and it didn't matter really if she did. She had plenty of time… all the time in the world…

  Someone was speaking, dimly Claire recognised the harsh Arabic sounds. She forced her eyes to open, her lids feeling like heavy weights. Someone was leaning over her, a man robed and wearing a head-dress, his features concealed by the thickness of his beard. Vaguely she was aware of deep-set dark eyes, and the curved arrogant blade of his nose, and then everything started to slip away from her. There was something important she had to say, but she couldn't remember what it was. She roused herself again and this time she was aware of subdued, high-pitched chatter that she remembered from somewhere. She must have made a sound because the chatter stopped. Someone was offering her water, and she gulped at it greedily, suddenly remembering.

  'Saud… Saud…' she cried weakly, but there was only silence, and the memory of burning hot sands and clear cloudless skies from which a relentless sun burned down.

  Claire opened her eyes. She felt as though she had been asleep for a very long time. Her body felt unfamiliar, heavy and tender, her eyes gritty.

  'Lord Raoul, the Sitt is awake.'

  Zenaide. Claire recognised her voice, and yes, this was her room in the palace. Had it all just been a dream, then, that searing heat, that sense of fear, that walk with Saud… Saud… She struggled to sit up and was instantly restrained by Raoul's arm.

  'Saud,' she protested weakly.

  'He is fine.' She heard Raoul bite off an expletive and then turn to Zenaide. 'He is perfectly well, Claire, Zenaide will bring him to you. There is someone else waiting to see you, too.' He was watching her closely, and Claire wished she could remember properly. Something eluded her, tugging at the edges of her memory, but she could not summon it up. 'It's Teddy,' Raoul pressed. 'Your brother. Remember, you were to meet him at the airport.'

  The airport. Nadia! She must have said her name out loud because Raoul's face tightened.

  'That is enough for now, Raoul.' Another voice spoke close by her, and a man moved from the shadows. 'She is still tired and must be allowed to recover. Without you beside her, my friend,' the unfamiliar voice continued, although it seemed to Claire that it held compassion. 'There is nothing more you can do. Punishing yourself will achieve nothing.'

  Punishing himself? Why should Raoul do that? Because of Nadia? Because the woman he loved had helped to try to murder Saud? Did he know about that? Thoughts too exhausting to be sustained flooded through her tired mind, and then something else surfaced.

  'Raoul.' She clutched at his arm. 'My baby…' A look of bitter sadness filled his eyes, and her own clouded with tears. 'Raoul, my baby…'

  'Your baby is quite safe.' It was the other man who spoke, smiling down at her, his fingers feeling for the pulse in her wrist with a professionalism that put her fears to rest. 'But that is more than can be said for you. You must sleep now if you are to recover your full strength. Later you can talk.'

  'Saud,' she pleaded, 'I must see Saud…' She saw Zenaide coming into the room, Saud in her arms, and she expelled her breath on a thankful sigh, gladly submitting to the sleep stealing slowly through her veins.

  When she woke again Teddy was sitting on the end of her bed, watching her. 'Good. Dr Naud said you would soon be awake. I would have to miss all the excitement,' Teddy continued, obviously aggrieved. 'Boy, when I tell them about it at school. It must have been really ace… to be kidnapped and then…'

  'I am sure your sister found her experience anything but "ace", Teddy,' Raoul's voice said drily from the door. Teddy scrambled off the bed as Raoul approached.

  'But it was ace how the Badu found her and looked after her, wasn't it?' he probed. 'Boy just imagine being able to track like that… and recognising her too when Nadia drove her past the oasis. "Lady of the golden hair" they call you,' he told a bemused Claire, grinning a little. 'Just think if they hadn't seen you and sent word to Raoul…'

  'That's enough, Teddy.' Raoul's calm firm voice cut through Teddy's excitement. 'Ali has prepared your dinner.'

  'But what about you?'

  'I will eat up here with your sister.' Teddy looked ready to protest, but something in Raoul 's expression must have changed his mind because he went off without another word. 'Oh for the recuperative powers of the young,' Raoul said lightly when he had gone. 'When we first learned that you were missing he was inconsolable.'

  'You know everything?' Claire whispered. 'By 'everything' she meant Nadia's treachery, and Raoul nodded.

  'Yes, and I cannot see how we could have been so blind. In so many ways it was obvious, but because Hasim remained out of the country for long periods we never thought to connect him with the left-wing faction in the country, even though he is the Sheikh's heir after Saud.'

  'What happened?' Claire pressed. 'I…'

  'Let me tell you from the beginning.' Raoul perched himself on the end of her bed, and Claire looked away from him, wishing he would come closer, take her in his arms perhaps.

  'As Teddy has just said, you were recognised as Nadia drove you through the Badu encampment—that was her main mistake. Nadia and her family are well known for their contempt of the Badu, and Ali ben Durai's curiosity was aroused enough for him to send some of his men out after you. He knew, in the way that the Badu always seem to know what is going on, that your brother was due to arrive and that you were to meet his plane. He also knew that I was away, but when his suspicions were confirmed, he sent messages both to me and to the Sheikh telling us that he feared you had been taken captive. One of the men on the Sheikh's staff here at the palace was a spy—the same one
who placed the snake in Saud's cot, I suspect— and he managed to send Hasim a warning that we were on our way.'

  'So that was why he broke camp.' Claire shivered. 'They were going to kill us, but because I was carrying your child…'

  'I know it all.' Raoul looked grim, and Claire won­dered if he was thinking about Nadia. 'Hasim was most impressed with your courage, Claire. You risked your own life for Saud, choosing almost certain death rather than safety. If you had opted to remain at the oasis you would at least have had water and would have been found in due time, even if we had not known where to look, but instead you braved the desert.'

  'They meant to shoot Saud,' Claire said unsteadily. 'I knew that we probably wouldn't survive the desert, but I couldn't… couldn't…' Tears started to burn her eyes and she turned away, too soon to see the movement Raoul made towards her. As she turned from him as though in rejection his arm dropped to his side, his expression suddenly grave.

  'You are tired and the doctor has ordered that you must rest. When the tribesmen found you they feared it was already too late. They sent word to me and took you back with them to their camp.'

  'And you brought me back here,' Claire finished for him. Now that Saud was safe, would he still want her to stay? Would he still want them to live together as a family, or had he changed his mind? There was something different about him, she knew that.

  'My father sends his love,' Raoul told her as he stood up, watching her eyes widen as he spoke the words. 'When he worked here—before he met my mother—he made a survey of the desert. I telephoned him to check that the oasis was where the Badu tribesmen had described. We couldn't afford to waste any time.' He sighed, pushing his fingers into the thick darkness of his hair, and suddenly looked tired and defeated. 'When I was a child, my grandfather constantly told me how my father had deserted my mother, how he had taken her money and left her, insisting that I was to be brought up as a Christian, and I hated and resented him. But the story he told me differs from that of my grandfather. Perhaps the truth lies somewhere in between, I don't know, but suddenly it no longer seems so important. What is past is past, and I too now know what it is to feel bitter corroding regret for my own actions.'

  He turned, leaving her, and Claire's heart ached. Was he talking about Nadia? Wishing he had not been too proud to change his religion; thinking that if he had, his love might have saved her from becoming involved in Hasim's machinations?

  By the end of the week the doctor was pleased enough with her progress to allow her to get up and spend the pleasant hours of the morning in the main courtyard, Teddy and Saud keeping her company. When she mentioned to Zenaide one day that more than anything else she would like to go down to the beach, Raoul appeared as though by magic and insisted on carrying her down to the soft fine sand. He swam in the azure sea with Teddy. She watched him coming out of the water, his body sleek and bronzed, her memory replaying disturbing scenes inside her head as she stared helplessly at him, sick and aching for the touch of his skin against hers.

  Raoul mistook the reason for her pallor and cursed himself for allowing her to get overtired. There was no point in her objecting when he insisted on taking her back to the palace. He was treating her as though she were made of Dresden china, and sometimes she thought she couldn't bear it. What had happened to the man who had told her so arrogantly that he wanted her, that they would build a good life together? The strangeness she had sensed in him grew, and towards the end of Teddy's holiday she learned why.

  He sought her out in the courtyard one morning when she was playing with Saud. Pregnancy had brought a soft glow to her skin, a warm ripeness of which she was unaware as she laughed at Saud's attempts to walk.

  'I have booked Teddy's return flight,' Raoul told her, bending dexterously to catch Saud as he fell. His face was turned away from her, his voice perfectly even as he said, 'If you wish, you can be on that flight, Claire. No, say nothing now,' he urged when she wanted to protest. 'Think about it and then tell me what you wish to do. I think perhaps it would be for the best if you were to go.'

  He left then, while she was still trying to come to grips with the enormous pain. Because of her weakness after her ordeal, Raoul had not shared her room as they had planned, but had slept in another on a separate floor. He was so distant and aloof these days that there seemed no way Claire could reach him. Why had he changed his mind about continuing their marriage? Because of Nadia? But what about their child?

  Anxiety and pain made it impossible for her to eat, and telling Zenaide that she no longer needed her Claire made up her mind what she must do. Raoul seemed to be at pains to avoid seeing her alone, but how could she talk to him—how could she make him see that he owed it to their child to allow her to stay? She wasn't going to give in easily. Now, when she was faced with the reality of leaving him, Claire knew that she would fight to be allowed to stay.

  She entered his room without knocking and found it empty. For a moment she thought he must still be working downstairs, but then she heard the sound of running water from his bathroom and she curled up on the divan beneath the window, knowing that if she remained standing she wouldn't be able to stop herself from pacing nervously about the room.

  When he walked in from the bathroom he didn't see her at first. His hair was damp from his shower, his body gleaming beneath the soft Moorish lamps whose diffused light Claire had come to love during her stay. And then as though some sixth sense alerted him to her presence he wheeled round, his body tensing almost as if in expectation of a blow.

  'Raoul, I had to see you,' Claire told him before he could speak, 'and this seemed the only way. Do you… do you really want me to go back to England with Teddy?' she asked him before her courage could desert her.

  'It seems the wisest course.' He wasn't looking at her, reaching instead for the towel he had dropped on the bed. Against the brief one he had fastened round his hips, his body glowed the colour of warm honey, the muscles in his back as fluid as ripples of water on the surface of the gulf as he started to dry himself.

  'But our child,' protested, refusing to heed the dismissal in his voice. 'You said…'

  'Forget what I said.' Suddenly his voice was harsh, his eyes darkening to jade as he turned to her. 'Do you know how close you came to losing your life?' He looked so bitter, so caught up in whatever emotion it was that brought the deep-carved lines bracketing his mouth and the emptiness to his eyes, that for a moment Claire was lost for words.

  'But I didn't lose it,' she reminded him. 'I'm safe and so is Saud. Oh Raoul, do you honestly want your son to be brought up as a stranger to you, as you were to your father?'

  For a second Claire thought her impassioned speech had burst through the wall he had built around himself, but then he smiled with a return of the old mockery she remembered. 'My son? You are so sure then that this child you carry will be a boy?'

  'Son—daughter—both have a right to your love, your presence in their lives,' Claire told him, wondering if he was aware of how much she was gambling, of how fast her heart was racing.

  'You make a very convincing advocate, Claire,' she heard him say at last. His voice changed suddenly, full of bitter yearning as he added roughly, 'Do you really think you need to persuade me that I want both you and my child here with me? Do you have any conception of how hard it is for me even to contemplate letting you go? And that is even when I take into consideration how close you came to death, and all through my fault. If I had seen through Nadia earlier…'

  'How could you when you loved her so much?' Claire said softly, wanting to take the look of burning pain from his eyes.

  'Loved her?' He stared at her. 'Loved Nadia? What game are you playing now, Claire?' he demanded curtly. 'Nadia was once to have been my wife and would have been had I changed my religion. But I was too proud to do so, and for a while I told myself I was bitter because my religion set us apart, blaming my father because he had insisted that I was brought up as a Christian. But I tell you this, Claire, were religion al
l that stood between me and gaining your love I would gladly change it ten thousand times over. My father was right when he warned me against pride,' he continued, before Claire could draw breath. 'I thought I could compel you to remain here with me. I knew, you see, that you could never bring yourself to desert your child, not when you could hardly bear to be parted from Saud, and…'

  'And yet now you want me to leave,' Claire stormed at him. 'You say you want my love and yet you want to send me away; and I don't even know why you should want it, you have never once…' She broke off in confusion when she saw the way he was looking at her. Never before had she seen such a look of burning intensity in his eyes, a look that was a complex blend of tenderness and intense desire.

  'Never once have I what?' he asked her. 'Told you that I love you?' Self-mockery darkened the already deep colour of his eyes. 'I have not perhaps mouthed the words, but there are other ways, Claire, ways that rely on a touch… a look. Many, many times I have looked at you with all the love I feel for you, but you have never noticed it, and every time I touch you it is the touch of a man deeply in love. Why else do you think I want to send you away? I cannot expect you to stay here after what happened. No matter how much I personally want and need you by my side. Even if your love for me was as great as mine for you. Are you so blind, Claire?' he asked whimsically. 'Do you truly believe, knowing what you do about my past, that I would even contemplate you bearing my child if I had not fallen so deeply in love with that merely being in the same room, breathing the same air, is the most acute pain. I think I loved you from the very first, although I managed to hide my feelings even from myself. I told myself that you were greedy, avaricious; that you could not be the warm, loving person you seemed, that your love for Saud must be faked, that your responsiveness in my arms was only hunger…'

  'If it was, then it is a hunger that only you can satisfy,' Claire managed to get out tremulously, her legs threatening to collapse beneath her as she stumbled towards the bed, swaying slightly so that Raoul was forced, almost against his will it seemed, to catch her in his arms.