GRIND

by Stephanie Brother

  I held her head close to my chest as I took her phone and quickly read the e-mail. Oh no. This wasn’t good. This wasn’t good at all. Guilt pained my stomach and I felt like it was my fault about the whole ordeal. But something waved its pointer finger in front of my intuition inside. I got these sometimes, these hits during times of crisis. My grandfather always told me to pay attention when an angel of inspiration is taping at your head. Sometimes crisis points the way to truth, yelling loudly, because otherwise you wouldn’t see it, hear it, or know of another option. Pain gets our attention and waves us off autopilot. It’s in crises when you take a closer look at things out of necessity or sheer stress. Stress is what makes a rock become a diamond. Stress is what causes an egg to boil. I knew I had to say something about this.

  “Babe, I’m sorry. I really am.” I sucked in a deep breath and ran my fingers through my hair. She looked so sad, as distressed as someone who loses their pet of ten years. Did this really mean that much to her? Something told me she was running from something inside. Just like she ran away to escape the pain and craziness of my family.

  “What situation? About my PHD going caput? About my dream vanishing? About being professionally known now by an entire circle of intellectuals as a flake out? A partier? A liar? A…Woody Allenish…person? Falling in love with her own family—”

  I held up my hands softly.

  “She was his adopted daughter. Remember that. And this is different. We are—were— step siblings very closely around the same age that met when we were both almost twenty.”

  A crack of lightning boomed so loud even I cringed. It only added to the doom and gloom.

  “My grandfather taught me a lot about life. You never got to meet him or have the privilege to know him but he isn’t anything like my father.”

  “Okay?” She looked so confused, almost slightly at her wits’ end. Maybe annoyed.

  “But he was wise. He read a lot of books and had a lot of great mentors. You know, because of him we have our companies.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Well, sometimes it’s in a crisis, such as this, where we’re given the gift to look at where we are headed in life, and given the option to choose a different path.”

  “Where I’m headed in life now is nowhere! Nowhere!” She was really cute when she was dramatic like this.

  “You have no idea how I just want to throw you over my shoulder right now, take you to our bed, spread your smooth legs open and lick you like you like it until you pass out. Especially when you get excited like this.”

  “You think this is all a game, don’t you? I’m not a trust fund baby like you. I’m not of wealth.”

  “But you could have been throughout this time. What’s ours has always been yours.”

  “I didn’t want this money.”

  “Why? He loved you like a daughter. He did. He loved your mom like crazy. Kate, you will always have access to our money. Especially now. Especially—”

  “But I don’t want blood money. You know that. You know how I feel ethically about everything.”

  “We aren’t all like that. I’m changing that, you know.”

  “It feels like blood money.”

  “And as you saw on the press conference. I’m changing all of that. We’re gravitating away from this very important life lesson here. I—”

  “I don’t want a lecture okay, Bradley? I just…I have to salvage this. I can’t not get my PHD.”

  It’s now or never. I sucked in another breath and readied myself for the delivery. I reached for her hands and looked squarely in her tear-filled eyes.

  “Listen, is this really what you want to be doing with your life?”

  “Wh…wh…what? Of course it is!” She pulled away from me. Her hazel eyes were light green from crying. I kissed her forehead but she pulled away from me.

  “Why would you even say that to me?”

  “Because you’re talented, that’s why. And maybe this is a sign.”

  “Maybe what is a sign?”

  “Ever since I’ve known you, you have had your own voice. When I met you, you weren’t studying other authors’ work, you journaled. You wrote your own stories.”

  “How did you know that?”

  “Because I just know, okay? And after that play we saw together, I know you wrote your own first act of something really good.”

  “Were you snooping in my room sometimes?”

  “A lot of times, okay? I’m coming clean. I’m being honest. But I know an artist when I see one. Do you really want to know the real truth about how I feel about this matter?” She looked at me with big doe eyes.

  “Because even if you don’t want to know about how I feel, I’m going to tell you. I think this whole academic thing is a ploy. It’s a safety net. You’re able to live, but not really be seen, therefore you won’t be hurt. But do you know what the problem is with hiding from yourself sometimes? Sometimes in hiding from your own self, you lose sight of who you are and you don’t even recognize who you are, therefore you don’t know where you’re going.”

  “I…I knew where I was heading but…”

  “Analyzing other people’s work is great. Don’t get me wrong. It’s fantastic. But if my grandfather sat around analyzing all the great shoemakers of his day and never ventured to create his own and to leave his own fingerprint on design, well, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I think you’re meant to share with the world, that’s right the world, your stories and thoughts about life.”

  “I’m…not hiding….”

  “Kate, let’s be real with yourself. With me. With the world. You don’t like the world knowing about you. You don’t like the world knowing what’s inside. I know what happened between us years ago caused you to put a buffer between things, and you sealed your heart. But come on. I know you feel resonance with what I am saying to you.”

  “Even if I am…even if I do, what good will it does? I still have this suddenly public situation now to face. The whole world will know who I am now. And now, no offense, they’re going to hate me. How am I supposed to write, then?”

  “You’re the most loveable person I know. And I’m changing my family’s legacy.”

  “You make it sound like I’m hiding out. Like I’m weak or something. I promise you I’m not weak. If you know what I’ve…I’ve been through.”

  Her hurt panged my heart like a dagger. I wanted it to all wipe away, her slate to be clean.

  I reached for her hands and pressed them to my lips. “On the contrary, the strongest people have shells for two reasons: to protect themselves to stay focused and on track and to stay resilient.”

  “I…I didn’t know you were this deep. This philosophical.”

  “As I said last week, there’s a lot you never got to know about me. But please don’t let this news keep you away again from something special. From us.”

  Her quick breaths returned, heaping quick breaths. And I wondered if I pushed her too far.

  “I…I can’t think about all of this right now. I need some time. The truth is, I don’t know if we…if this is going to work. I can’t handle things like this.”

  Nah uh. No sir. I wasn’t going to let her go that easy.

  “And tell me, Kate. If we weren’t once step siblings, would you then give us a chance?”

  “We would have never met.”

  “Perhaps you’re right. Perhaps this is meant to be and you’re using this all as a way to protect your heart because you’re afraid of being hurt.”

  Chapter 25

  KATE

  * * *

  “So what? Maybe I am afraid of being hurt. I am! Is it so bad to admit that?” The tears stung and I hated the lump in my throat. This was why I protected myself and hid myself in books. But even as I said that and I looked at his face, I knew a part of me wanted to risk everything if it meant we could be together. But a part of me was definitely afraid. Definitely.

  “Well, you don’t have to be with me.”

  “
Why’s that?”

  “Because I told you. I love you. There’s no other woman for me. I want you by my side.”

  “So just like that, huh? You’re so sure just like that?”

  I envied his sureness.

  “Look, I understand what it’s like to put up walls so you don’t feel. Walls to keep you safe. Because if you don’t love, then you can’t be hurt, right?”

  My bottom lip quivered as the tears stung my eyes and my throat constricted tight. It burned, and the heaps felt so tight along my esophagus that it felt like a hornet’s nest ready to burst, ready to sting, ready to fly out of control.

  I was right there. I was wound up so tight and so protected that if I gave an inch, I was afraid of the aftermath and ramifications.

  “Look at me, babe,” he said, his finger lightly touching my lower lip, the softness of his thumb pad along my lip. “I can promise you, as you’ve already noticed thus far, life with me will be fun. Exciting. It will not be dull for one moment. There’s going to be a lot of talking because that’s what happens to people who are doing important things.” His fingers slid through mine and I closed my eyes for a moment, letting his warmth wrap me like a blanket.

  “I don’t want anyone else by my side. And I know this is going to be hard for you to step out and be seen in the world in such a public way, but don’t let that fear dictate you away from a life with me. From us. From a beautiful life. I mean, look around. Look at us.” His hand motioned for me to scan the yacht and the stormy waves outside the rain-covered windows.

  “Look, life isn’t always sunny. As you can see, it’s stormy. But who do you want to bear those waves with?”

  I sat frozen. Whenever too much came my way, I didn’t know how to process everything. I didn’t know what to say. I froze up like a mute.

  I just knew the entire world knew of our affair, and I’d just lost what I worked so hard for.

  “We’re heading back to the airport. Looks like waves are pretty high on more fronts than one. Do…do you want to come with me to India?” His fingers trailed on my arm. I knew what I wanted to do inside. I really did. I wanted him. I wanted us. I didn’t want to be Bradley Rainshaw and Kate Meadows. I just wanted to be in love separate from this entire circus. I knew what I wanted. Hell did I know. My entire body knew. My entire being responded to him in such strong ways like a magnet.

  Like a movie reel, the last two days and our erotic affairs tumbled across the screen in my memory. Chills soared over my body and electricity surged even down to the tips of my pinkie toes. My nipples hardened thinking about being blind folded and how it felt to have my body explored by him. Heat flushed my cheeks at the thought of his touch between my legs with the shower head.

  It was delicious in every sense.

  His warm hand cusped my wrist and I loved the touch of his hands anywhere on my body.

  That was the problem.

  His touch.

  When he touched me, my reasoning left me and all senses flew out the window like a crazed caged bird in search for a tree branch.

  I took a step back, his grip falling from my wrist. Hurt covered his face as I rejected him.

  I knew I wouldn’t be able to bear being away from him. But I had to. I had to protect myself. But because the way I was wired since we left Texas, I built up iron pillars around my heart. I had to put my head above my heart.

  * * *

  One Long Day Later

  Paris

  * * *

  The jet ride to Paris was a lonely one. I had previously agreed to met my mom there and we already had reservations in the books. Besides, I had to explain everything to her. My anxiety surged knowing she probably saw the pictures.

  “Hi darling.” My mom stopped me in my tracks. She was that glamorous.

  She looked like a glamorous starlet with her Audrey Hepburn sunglasses and her couture clothing.

  And just like that, I began to cry like a little girl.

  “I’m not accepted anymore. They’re…they’re not letting me study privately. All my hard work. It’s all I had left of me. It’s all I’m good at.”

  “Baby, listen to me. You have so much more to you if you open yourself up to it.”

  Trying to regain composure, I took a deep breath. Something about this visit was weighty; her face had this look on it indicating that this meeting was going to get deep, quickly.

  “Well, I’m sorry about Rick. I really am.”

  “Well, he was the love of my life. Time is short. That it is.” She wiped at a fallen tear. “I know you never really got a chance to know him. And the age difference probably confused you, but he made me very happy.”

  I didn’t know what to say. Thankfully, mother was a talker.

  “I know your father is unhappy with the yacht photos.”

  “He e-mailed me.”

  She blew out air and her brown eyes softened. “I’d like you to know something about your father. I know his opinion of you greatly matters. And he has conveyed to you his thoughts of this family. But you have to understand a few things about him. As a military man. He…well, I’ll have you know Rick was my answer to my prayers. There were dark edges you don’t know of your father that I sheltered you from. War changes even the softest of boys. It makes them hard. It darkens their soul. And without having to say further, I wanted you to know that. I never once spoke ill about your father out of protecting you and your image of your father. But now that he’s making his opinions known of your love choice—”

  “Love?”

  “I know you’re in love. After all, I know what it’s like to be under the love spell of a Rainshaw.”

  “And that’s not…like, weird?”

  “Of course not, darling. I want the world for you. I want you to be loved like no other.”

  “But those business practices.”

  “Well, like I said. War changes a man. So does the war of money. But I still love and loved Rick greatly.” She cleared her throat and took a sip of her sparkling water.

  “Your father isn’t as innocent in this whole familial pattern as he paints it. And I wasn’t the damsel in distress waiting for a rich billionaire to come in. That’s been a fallacy created by the media. But what was I going to do? Bring shame to the Meadows name by airing your father’s dirty laundry? I’d rather be shamed than those good people.”

  I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to ask. But I think I understood it all. I remember loud nights when he came home. All he wanted to do was be back over there. In the war. Fighting. So, he brought that ambience in the home. It was a war zone; I remember it now as the hidden forgotten childhood memories surfaced.

  I swallowed a lump down my throat.

  “You have to trust life’s current with your father. He’ll come around. Just don’t let him guilt you into or out of something.”

  “Why do I feel like everything in my life right now is falling apart?”

  “It’s falling together. You just don’t know it yet.” She winked at me. “Does he make you feel feelings all over?”

  I nodded.

  “Does he challenge you to be a better person?”

  I nodded.

  “Does he push your limits?”

  “He does. He showed me to not hide anymore. To not be afraid of the world’s judgments.”

  Her gentle hand rested along my arm.

  “Then darling, let this love be.”

  I sighed and blew the bangs out of my eyes.

  “I’m not like you, Mom. This public life…I….”

  “Hi!” Claire’s high pitched voice sang.

  The truth is though, I knew she was here before I even heard or saw her; I smelled her heavy French perfume.

  Her arms flung around my neck. “Oh, I just knew we were always meant to be sisters. Now you can’t run away anymore.”

  “Wha…what?”

  She helped herself down and poured herself a glass of Rose, before even a server could do so.

  “Honey, my brother lov
es you.”

  “Doesn’t he take everyone out on a yacht?”

  “Not like that. Not like this. No more running away now. Okay?”

  “You’re really okay with this? You’re not Woody Allen’d out by this whole thing?” It was the only thing I could keep saying, I had no other way to phrase it even if I did overuse it.

  “Who cares? Do you know how gorgeous my future niece or nephew is going to be with your genes in the mix?”

  If ever I felt like one of those real life stories on a reality show, now was the time. Discussing future babies with the brother of your former stepsister.

  “It’s true,” my mother chimed in.

  That was way too far to think about: babies, marriage. But I knew I felt real feelings for him. Feelings where all I could think about was being by his side. Being held by him. Making him smile. Making him…feel other things. Other more passionate things.

  My insides clenched in desperate need at the thought of us together enthralled in hot passion. Unaware of my daydream, I hadn’t realized I had dozed off and went to another world in fantasy land.

  “You are a woman in love. I know that look.”

  “I’m also a woman in career ruin.” I was snapped back into reality.

  “Um, no you’re not. The world is your oyster now. The world knows your name. That little quiet life you tried to create, well that’s long gone. Now the world will read whatever you want them to read.”

  I had honestly never for a second thought of that approach. It was like being an indie musician or artist happily trailing around cute towns singing for people who sincerely enjoy your music. Pop star status was never my intention with writing.

  “I hate to sound bitchy or snobby, but our last name comes with a lot of perks. You’ll see. Screw those uptight professors. You don’t want to be boring, Kate.”

  “Academia is not boring.”

  “Uh, yes it is.” She winked at me.

  “What is it with everyone thinking that?”

  “Well, it kind of is,” my mother lightly teased.