Stay With Me

by Alexa Powers

  “I’ve blown it all to hell, that’s what I’ve done,” Noah growled in frustration, knowing he’d ruined the very thing he was so desperate to hold on to. The sting of the cold sand beneath his bare feet felt like a thousand tiny daggers, and he deserved each and every one of them, welcomed them even, as a reminder of the pain he’d caused the one woman who meant the world to him.

  “Too right, you wanker. You want to tell me what you did and why Emma called Lily crying? Don’t you know that you should never, and I repeat, never make your girl cry? Only happy tears, mate.”

  Noah was ashamed of his actions, and looking back, he knew he’d overreacted. When she hesitated for just a moment, he took it as a no, and things spiraled out of control so quickly, his head was left spinning and his heart was broken beyond repair.

  He couldn’t get the vision of Emma’s tear-stained face out of his mind, the image a painful reminder of how wrong the evening had gone. He’d just thrown away the one thing that meant the most to him in this world, and it was all his fault. “Yeah, I know, but I’ve ruined everything man. I asked her to stay and when she didn’t throw herself at me with gratitude, I got mad and walked away.”

  Josh’s snicker sent a wave of irritation through him. “You know, I never took you for a bloody fool before, mate, but you, my friend, are an idiot. Now, what are you going to about it?”

  “I don’t know what to do. I can’t lose her, Josh. I just can’t. But I don’t know how to fix it, either. I let my temper get the best of me, and now I don’t know how to make it right again. I’m such a bloody fool. I can’t believe I walked out and left her standing there. Oh my God, Josh, what have I just done?” His grieving heart ached and his voice cracked as he felt the burn of tears against his cheeks. The crushing realization brought him to his knees in the hard sand.

  He couldn’t remember ever shedding tears over a woman before, but he welcomed them. He took it as a sign that he still had a heart, that he wasn’t a merciless bastard. If he was to convince her to take a chance on him, he was going to have to expose his deepest desires and fears. She’d accused him of pushing her away, and as he looked back over the last few weeks, he knew she was right. He’d foolishly allowed his insecurities to convince him that she wouldn’t stay, and by pushing her away, he’d made it happen.

  “You haven’t lost her yet.” Josh’s softened voice was reassuring as Noah looked out over the water in anguish. “Now, first off, why are you not groveling on your hands and knees begging her to forgive you? And, second of all, why would you walk out on her, bro? That was a really stupid thing to do, you know that, right? Where are you anyway?”

  “I thought we needed a time out, so I went for a walk on the beach to clear my head and try to figure out where it all went wrong and how I can fix it. Things were getting out of control.” As he spoke the words, he realized that what seemed like a good idea at the time was actually the worst thing he could’ve done and may have cost him everything. “I can’t lose her, Josh.”

  “I know, man. Look, I know you love her, but I’ve got to make sure you’re in this wholeheartedly, because if I help you and Emma gets hurt again, Lily will kill me. I’d take a bullet for you, you know that, but Lily comes first…always. And Emma’s a sweet girl who’s like a sister to me, so if this isn’t a forever thing for you, then let her go now.” Josh’s sympathetic tone eased his panic level from complete despair to utter misery. Noah wanted to be upset with Josh for questioning his commitment to Emma, but his concern for her touched him.

  “Josh, I appreciate you looking out for Emma.” Just saying her name sent a dagger of guilt through his heart. “I really do, but I think you know me well enough to know that I wouldn’t have asked her to stay if I wasn’t stuck in. She’s everything to me. If she leaves me, I’m following her. I just have to find a way to get her to listen to me, to let me explain.” His heart ached with need for her. He’d fall to his knees and beg her to forgive him if necessary. How he’d let things get so out of control, he still didn’t know, but he’d do whatever it took to put it right again.

  “Take it from me, just be honest with her. They have this sixth sense and know when you’re holding back anyway, so it’s not worth it. And you’ve buggered everything up, so you better do it right the first time. You may not get another chance.”

  Noah lifted himself off the sand and quickly headed home; his bare feet were numb from the cold as they churned up the sand. He never should’ve left in the first place and prayed it wasn’t too late to make it right.

  The sun had set, and as he approached his house, his stomach sank. For a brief moment he was frozen in place; his normally-welcoming home looked like an empty shell, dark and abandoned. It had lost its heart. Regaining his momentum, he hurried up the path and entered the door, looking around the darkened space. Quelling his rising panic, he called out Emma’s name as he darted from room to room, only to be met with the deafening sound of silence.

  Oh, God, she’s left me, he muttered to himself, as he lowered his soulless body to the couch in the lounge. Looking around the room, seeing Emma in every square inch of it, he put his face in his hands, and for the first time ever, broke down and cried. He’d lost her. He was too late.

  Movement outside the front door caught his attention, and by the light of the porch, he saw the silhouette of the body that he’d recognize anywhere. Thinking he must be hallucinating, but needing to check just to make sure, he lifted his shattered body from the couch.

  As he opened the door, he prayed his eyes weren’t playing tricks on him. “Emma?” he softly whispered, afraid that if he spoke too loudly, she’d disappear.

  “What do you want, Noah?” She sounded defeated as she hunched over, refusing to look at him, her arms wrapped around her knees. As if it was possible, her quiet whimpers made him feel even more wretched.

  “What’re you doing out here?” He was so relieved to see her, he didn’t even realize he’d ignored her question. All he wanted was take her in his arms and never let go. He knew he hadn’t earned the privilege, so he shoved his empty hands in his pockets.

  “I’m waiting for Lily to come and get me,” she sniffled, rubbing her cheek against her knee. Her back had flattened against her thighs and he watched as she slowly rocked back and forth. The movement was almost undetectable, but he knew she was trying to soothe herself. He’d done this to her, to them.

  Hoping he still had a chance to change her mind, he reached for his phone. “Go home, Lily,” he spoke only those three words before ending the call, and carefully moved the last few steps until he was standing next to Emma. He wasn’t sure how she’d respond to his sending away her means of escape, but he couldn’t let Lily take her.

  Without turning her head to look in his direction, Emma spoke so softly he almost didn’t hear her. “Why’d you do that?”

  “Please, come inside, Emma. Let me explain everything. Please.” He’d never begged for anything in his life, but as he stood next to his reason for living, he’d beg, plead, or supplicate himself just to have her hear him out.

  He wished she’d look at him, but at least she was listening, and he gave a silent thanks for that. “Why, Noah? I think we’ve both said enough, and I’m too exhausted for round two. And you had no right to send Lily away.”

  “I know, but I can’t let you leave before we talk. If you still want to go, then I’ll take you to Lily’s myself, alright?” He was sure his heart had split in two and was bleeding out inside his chest, it hurt so badly. Her soft whimpers squeezed what was left of his heart painfully as he moved to stand in front of her.

  “I’m not sure what you want from me.” She finally lifted her face and the devastation he saw there wrecked him. He hated himself at that moment.

  Everything. “I just want to talk. Let me explain why I reacted so poorly. Maybe you can find it in your heart to forgive me? I’m so sorry, sweetheart. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt you.”

  Her features softened as she held h
is gaze. He didn’t deserve to breathe the same air as the exquisite woman sitting before him. “I’m sorry, too. I got so angry, and I said some things I didn’t mean. No matter what, you could never be a mistake, Noah. I’ve loved every minute with you. Excluding the last few, of course.” Lifting his hand to her cheek, he gently wiped away the tears that still flowed from her sad, bloodshot eyes. She gifted him with a wobbly smile and some of the crushing weight lifted from his shoulders.

  “I said things, too. Definitely not my proudest moment, sweetheart. Please, come inside and I’ll make us a cuppa and we can talk.” He tugged on her hands, lifting them from where they clutched her knees, and pressed them to his chest. The empty hole that his heart used to inhabit, filled slightly as she stood to her feet and turned for the door.

  Wanting to fall to his knees to give thanks, he reached for her suitcase and guitar and followed her inside.

  Lifting his face towards the heavens, he mouthed, “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.”

  Noah sat patiently as Emma spoke to Lily on the phone, assuring her that she was alright and that she’d call her later. He knew Lily would give him hell the next time she saw him, but he’d gladly pay the price if it meant he still had Emma in his life.

  After countless promises to call if she needed anything, Emma finally disconnected the call and turned her beautiful face towards Noah. She was still the most gorgeous woman he’d ever seen, even with puffy red eyes and a runny nose.

  Sitting next to Emma on the couch, Noah took a deep breath and decided to start at the beginning. Emma deserved the full explanation for his petulant behavior, and if he wanted any chance at a future that included her, he had to be honest. He was embarrassed that he’d let Evan’s comments influence him, that he was so weak. But he’d been worried about asking her to stay and Evan’s remarks had sent him over the edge, clouding his judgment.

  He desperately wanted to take her in his arms and pull her onto his lap, as it would make it so much easier for him; he was free when she was in his arms, but he didn’t dare touch her, afraid she might run away.

  He felt worthless for causing her such pain, and as she looked at him with swollen eyes, his confidence wavered. He didn’t deserve her. If she’d give him another chance, he’d spend the rest of his life trying to be the man she needed him to be.

  Steeling himself, he inhaled deeply, slowly reaching for her hand, and was relieved when she thread her fingers through his, giving him a gentle squeeze. The tender gesture gave him the courage to begin. “From the first moment I saw you, dancing with Lily, you owned me. I didn’t understand it; I wanted to know everything about you. And the more I found out, the more I wanted to know. You were so beautiful, but it was more than that. There’s so much more to you than the way you look.” Giving her a genuine smile, he thought back to the beginning of their courtship. “I’d never met anyone like you, so sweet and kind, and even though you could’ve had anyone, you chose me. You’ve filled this house with the sounds of laughter and music…and love. You’ve made it a home.”

  “You made it easy, Noah.” He released the breath he didn’t realize he was holding when she gave him the sweet smile that he’d fallen in love with. For the first time since he foolishly walked out the door, he had hope.

  “When we first kissed…” Pausing, he felt a dopey grin spread across his face at the memory. “I knew from just that one kiss that you were the one I’d been waiting for. And when we finally made love, well…that was it for me. I’d found my forever.”

  He wanted to cut out what was left of his heart when he saw a tear slide down her cheek. “I’m sorry, Emma. Please don’t cry, sweetheart.”

  She placed her fingers against his lips to quiet him. “Shhh, Noah. They’re happy tears. Everything you just said, I’ve felt the same way.” She looked at him with her soulful green eyes and he felt his heart come back to life as it beat wildly. “You’ve made me so happy. But at the same time, I’ve been so conflicted. I want to be with you, but I can’t imagine living so far away from my family. It’s so unfair. Why should I have to choose between my heart and my home?”

  He couldn’t resist any longer and pulled her onto his lap, breathing a sigh of relief when she circled her arms around his neck and rested her head on his shoulder. The feel of her weight in his lap and her warm breath against the sensitive skin of his neck comforted him, giving him the strength to continue.

  “I know, baby. But I’m not going to pressure you to stay, and I’ll give you the time you need to make up your mind. If we have to, we’ll do the long distance thing until my contract is up and then I’ll come to you.” He’d thought about following her to America a time or two, but never seriously thought it was an option. But as he held her in his arms, he knew without a doubt that he’d follow her anywhere, without regret.

  “You’d do that for me?” She lifted her head from his shoulder, her red rimmed eyes meeting his, and he knew he’d do anything for her.

  “Don’t you know, Emma? I’d follow you to the moon and back again. Nothing means anything without you here to share it with me. When I think of this house, without you filling it with love, it’s just a house…you make it home. I designed it with my future family in mind and don’t get me wrong, I’d like to raise my children here. But their mother has to want that too.” He felt the vise that had gripped his heart loosen at her beautiful smile.

  “Their mother wants that, too. I want that too, Noah. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve dreamed about our children running around this house. Our home.” She reached her hand up and gently touched his cheek before running her fingers through his hair and he wanted to fall prostrate at her feet. “But at the same time, I want my children to have a close relationship with my parents, and their aunts and uncles and cousins. I don’t see how that’s possible if we live so far away from them.” She was being torn in two, and he didn’t have an answer that would satisfy both halves.

  “I know, sweetheart, we’ll figure it out…together.” He took the tips of her hair between his fingers, reveling in the softness of it. “I need to tell you something else, though, and I hope it doesn’t change the way you feel about me.” He could hear the nervousness in his voice and tried to subdue it.

  “Nothing could change the way I feel about you.”

  Fortifying himself, he continued. “Well, I’d been wanting to talk to you about staying here with me, but it was never the right time. No…I take that back…I didn’t have the balls to ask you. I was so afraid you’d say no that I kept putting it off. Then, a few weeks ago, I had a conversation with Evan. He wanted to warn me that you’d never stay and that I was kidding myself to think otherwise.”

  She pulled away, looking in his eyes, her skin flushing a deep red, and he wanted to cheer at her righteous indignation. “He what? Well, if he’d bothered to ask Ali, she would’ve stayed. She told me so herself. So, he’s a fool. He lost everything for nothing. He just let her walk away, without a fight.”

  “I’m so ashamed to admit it, but I was scared, and when you didn’t answer me right away…well, I assumed you were about to crush my future with one little word…no. And I couldn’t bear to hear it. So…I did the cowardly thing…and ran.” He forced himself to hold her gaze when all he wanted to do was hide himself away.

  “Oh, Noah, you know what happens when you assume?” She gripped his face gently with both hands as she gave him a smile that was tinged with sadness.

  “I make an ass out of you and me?”

  “No, you break my heart.” Her voice soothed his soul as her soft hand caressed his cheek. She brought her lips to his in a feather-light kiss that was over much too quickly.

  “I’ll remember that.” He’d learned his lesson the hard way, and thankfully it hadn’t cost him the one thing he couldn’t live without.

  “Please do, and promise me that, in the future, you’ll talk to me when something’s bothering you. And if you want to ask me something, however big or small, ask me instead of stewi
ng over it. And no matter how hard things get, never ever run away from me again. I thought I’d die when you walked away from me.”

  “I promise.” He was so relieved to hear her speak of the future, their future, his eyes welled with tears as he squeezed her tightly to his chest and kissed her.

  “I love you, Noah. Now and forever.”

  “I love you too, baby,” he confessed, smiling against her soft lips before claiming her with a kiss that healed his soul and left him needing all of her.

  “Hey…we just had our first fight.” She gave him a saucy grin while tracing her fingers along the planes of his chest.

  “Does that mean we can have hot and sweaty make up sex?” he asked hopefully.

  “Yeah. And I think the hotness of it should correlate to the magnitude of the fight, which in this case was off the charts. You up for that, big boy? Because I think I need you to take me to bed now.”

  “I think I’m the luckiest guy on the planet.”

  “I don’t know about that, but you are about to get lucky.” With that, she rose to her feet and reached out her hand to him, and he gladly followed her down the hall to their bedroom, watching the sassy sway of her hips.

  Emma woke with the sun following a restless night, thinking about her life with and without Noah. It had been a week since their argument, and he’d kept his word and hadn’t pressured her to make up her mind. She was relieved that he’d given her the time to work through her feelings.

  After their argument, things had returned to normal as she’d carefully weighed her options, not wanting to regret the decision she made. Uprooting her life wouldn’t be easy, but she could see herself living in New Zealand permanently, and being happy here. The country and the people had always held a special place in her heart, and she felt equally at home here and in North Carolina.

  She’d traveled to Hamilton to attend the All Blacks test match against Ireland and cheered for Noah, alongside his family. It quickly became obvious to her that Noah had told them he’d asked her to stay and about their subsequent fight, but thankfully they were very discreet about it.