Shattered Mirror

by Iris Johansen

  “How bad, Eve?” she repeated.

  “Not bad at all. He was telling the truth when he said it was just a graze. I cleaned it up in the car. Very little bleeding. He wouldn’t even stop at an urgent care place on the way back here.”

  “You should have made him stop. What if it gets infected?”

  “He said he’d take care of it. He’ll be fine, Cara. He’s been trained to take care of wounds. Do you think I’d let him go without hospital care if I thought there was danger? He was shot protecting me.”

  “No, of course not,” she said quickly. She swallowed. “It was just such a shock. Where is he?”

  “He said he was going directly to the summerhouse.” She smiled. “He probably knew he’d face this reaction from you and wanted to avoid it. He was annoyed that I was insisting on ‘fussing’ as he called it.”

  Cara nodded. “Yes, that’s probably it.” She looked away from her. “He wanted to spare me. It’s what you do with kids, isn’t it?”

  “He wouldn’t mean to hurt you,” Eve said gently.

  “No, he’s always kind.” She turned away. “Come on and get something to eat. When Joe comes downstairs after changing, you both need at least a sandwich and coffee before you go to bed. I’ll make some decaf. Kaskov’s cook always brews it Cajun black and strong. That’s the way Kaskov likes it, and he’s the only one who matters to her.”

  “I’ve noticed.” Eve could tell that Cara was making conversation to avoid letting her see the rejection and hurt she was feeling. But the only thing she could do was to go along and try to ease her through it. She followed Cara from the parlor to the huge kitchen. “Where’s Darcy?”

  “I haven’t seen her since I started practice tonight. I’m not surprised. It was a long practice session. I needed it. I’ll tell her what happened to Ladeau in the morning.” She looked up from searching through the cabinet for coffee to look at Eve. “In a way it’s good news, isn’t it? You found out that Norwalk is probably on an island in one of those swamps. It’s a start.”

  “Yes, it’s a start.” And a tiny glimmer of hope in the darkness. “But it could be a nightmare trying to find out where that island is located.”

  Before Michael was hurt.

  Before Michael was killed.

  “We’ll find it,” Cara said, sensing her pain. “We’re all here for Michael. We all love him, and that love has to make a difference. We’ll find him, Eve.”

  She had to believe it. She had to believe that faith and love could transform a world that seemed so dark right now.

  Eve nodded. “We’ll find him.”

  * * *

  The summerhouse was just ahead. Its soft white stucco walls and beveled-glass windows gleamed in the moonlight, but the interior was dark. Cara had thought Jock was too often in the dark, she remembered as she stopped before the front door. But that didn’t matter now. If he wanted to stay in the dark, it was his choice.

  She knocked on the door. “Open the door, Jock. I need to talk to you.” She didn’t wait for an answer but opened the door herself and walked into the living room. Empty. She could vaguely see a gray brocade couch and chairs in the dimness. “Jock?”

  “I’m here. I’m just throwing on some clothes. I wasn’t expecting you.” He was coming out of the bedroom pulling on his shirt. “And you’d better have a good reason for coming down here in the middle of the night,” he said roughly. “If one of Kaskov’s men had decided to knock you down and rape you, I might not have even heard you.”

  “I had a good reason.” She turned on a lamp beside the couch, and she could see his tousled fair hair, his naked chest beneath the open white shirt, and the coldness of those silver-gray eyes. Even in this moment she felt the impulse to do anything to rid him of any coldness toward her. Block it. It was a habit instilled by all those years with him. It was the past, not the present. “My reason was that I’ve been lying there in bed thinking since Eve told me about your being hurt.” She lifted her chin. “I was shaken but not really surprised that you didn’t come and tell me yourself. But it did serve to bring everything together for me. It defined what I’ll always be to you.” She sat down in a chair and looked at him. “And I didn’t think I could bear to let it go another hour without telling you. I’ve waited too long as it is.”

  “I wasn’t really hurt,” he said quietly. “I didn’t want you getting upset. You seem to be constantly on the edge these days. I know it’s Michael, but I thought I could spare you worrying about me.”

  “Yes, it’s Michael. I think about him all the time.” She paused. “And it’s you. I’m going to lose you, Jock. I could see it coming, and I was fighting so hard against it. But tonight I decided that I was losing more than you by trying to give you what you wanted from me.”

  “That’s bullshit,” he said roughly. “No one is losing anybody. Nothing’s changed.”

  “Everything’s changed.” She forced a smile. “Not your fault, Jock. Probably not mine either. It just kind of snuck up on me. You’re used to feeling this kind of thing, but it caught me off guard.”

  “You’re not making sense. What kind of thing, dammit?”

  “Sex,” she said simply. She turned her hands over and looked down at her palms. “I want to touch you all the time these days. I want you to touch me.”

  “Oh, shit.”

  She looked up at his face. Shock, anger, intensity, and something else she couldn’t define. “I thought that’s what you’d say. Do me a favor and don’t feel sorry for me? I’ve always known that would never be my role in your life. I still know it. You have other women for that. I was best friend, a kid to protect. This just kind of happened but I know it ruins everything.”

  “No it doesn’t. Sorry for you?” His eyes were blazing in his taut face. “I’m mad as hell. Why did you even bring this up? You’re only eighteen, and you don’t know what you want. Next month it will have gone away.”

  “You’d like to think so. I know better. I’ve been living with this for a while. It might go away, but I’m not going to change back to what you want me to be. Somewhere along the way, I grew up, Jock.” She had to go on, say the words. “Even though I know it’s probably going to be the end of what we were together. I’m tired of pretending that nothing has changed and that I’ll always be the young girl you met and saved all those years ago. It’s too hard, and it makes me feel like a liar. We’ve never lied to each other.”

  “Haven’t we?” he asked hoarsely.

  “I didn’t think so.” She had to end this quickly. She got to her feet and moved toward the door. “So I think that it would be better if we didn’t see each other for a while. I know it would be awkward for you, and it would just confuse me more than I am right now. I’m so used to wanting to please you, and I have to get over that.” Her lips twisted. “I might find myself falling back into that same pattern. I won’t do that. I’m going forward, Jock.”

  “Without me.”

  She flinched. “I think it has to be that way. Though Darcy would probably think I’m stupid. She thinks it’s so simple. I should just jump you and let the cards fly where they might. But nothing is that simple where we’re concerned. We’ve known each other too long. We’ve been too close.” She looked him in the eye. “And there’s no way that you’d want that to happen.”

  “You’re damn right I wouldn’t.” He was across the room in seconds. His silver-gray eyes were glittering down at her, and a muscle was jerking in his left cheek. “Not after all I’ve done to keep it from happening.” His hands grasped her shoulders and he shook her. “Forget it. Get over it, dammit.”

  “I will.” She stared at him in bewilderment. She had never seen him like this. “I told you what I thought I had to do. Why are you being so—”

  “Because I thought I had it all under control. I didn’t think I’d be dealing with you, too. I thought you’d find some young guy at your school, and maybe— No, I didn’t let myself think that, but that’s what should have happened.”

/>   “What are you talking about?”

  “I’m telling you that there’s no way I should ever be anything closer to you than what I’ve been during these last years. So get over it.”

  “You keep saying that.”

  “Because it’s true.” His hands tightened on her shoulders. “I know you, and I know myself. You may have just stumbled on this page, but I’ve got it memorized. I’ve worked too hard to let you—”

  “Shut up a minute.” She was gazing up at his face. “I’m confused, but I have to get this straight. You’re not like this with me. You’re usually not—” She was thinking back about what he’d said. There was something there, something to which she should pay attention. And then put it together with what she’d known about him through the years.

  And then it did all come together. She stiffened in shock. She gazed up at him in disbelief.

  “Jock?” But she had to be sure. She slowly reached up and pushed open his shirt. His body was so beautiful … every muscle defined, the lines full of grace and power.

  “No.” His eyes were glaring down at her, his face tense. “No, Cara.”

  “But I have to know.” She spread her fingers and put the palms of both her hands on his naked abdomen.

  A long, shudder racked his body. She could feel his muscles tighten, twist beneath her fingers. She couldn’t breathe. She could feel his tension, and it was becoming her tension.

  “How long?” she whispered.

  “I don’t know,” he said jerkily, his gaze dropping to her hands on his body. “Far longer than you, I’m sure. I’m a man with the usual urges, and all of a sudden you weren’t a kid anymore. It shocked the hell out of me.” He pushed her hands away from his body. “Why do you think I’ve stayed away from you for the past couple years? I knew where it could end up, and I wasn’t going to allow it. I thought I could just keep us on an even balance, and you’d gradually just drift away from me as your career took precedence.”

  “You had it all planned,” she said wonderingly. Her hands were no longer on his body. Why could she still feel the vibrant, tingling smoothness of his muscles on the skin of her palms? “But then you always did think ahead.”

  “And you blame me for that?” His voice was suddenly harsh. “One of us had to look ahead. You wandered into my life all full of dreams and music and faith that I could do anything. But we both know what I do best, and there was no way I was going to let you stay too long or too close to me.”

  Her lips twisted. “But I pulled the rug out from under you, didn’t I?”

  “Maybe. It’s not going to work out like that now. We may be left with nothing. I didn’t want to lose you entirely.” He took a step back from her. “But perhaps in time I might be able to salvage—”

  “You might be able?” She was suddenly angry. All the worry, the hurt, the helplessness she’d felt was hitting home. “You didn’t hear anything I said except about the sex. Maybe you thought that was all that was important. It was for me for a while because I thought it would destroy what we had together since that wasn’t what you wanted from me. But I told you I’d grown up, Jock.” Her hands clenched into fists at her sides. “And what you want from me isn’t going to matter any longer. I have my own choices and decisions. I’ve been going through hell trying to come to terms with the most important relationship in my life, and I didn’t even have all the facts to do it. I was feeling desperate and inadequate, and I hate feeling like that.” She turned and opened the door. “So don’t try to tell me what you’re going to do. You left me entirely out of the decision process before. That won’t happen from now on. I’m upset, and I don’t know what I’m feeling right now. But I do know this. If there’s any salvaging to be done, it will be a joint venture. Providing I decide it’s worth my while to do it.” She slammed the door behind her.

  * * *

  Jock threw open the door and stood there on the step watching Cara run down the path toward the main house.

  Son of a bitch!

  His hands clenched into fists at his sides. He had screwed everything up tonight. He should have been cool, understanding, and big brotherly, convinced her that it was entirely natural for her to have certain feelings that would fade soon. But she had caught him off guard and blown him out of the water. He had tried so hard for so long to keep this from happening, and having it come from her instead of him had been too much to handle.

  No, it hadn’t been too much, she had been too much. He had tried to keep her a child, keep her safe from the world … and from him. But he had been blind, and she had slipped away.

  And put her hands on him.

  He drew a harsh breath, his muscles clenching as the heat seared through him. It had nearly killed him not to reach out and take in that moment. But he hadn’t been able to not let her feel that need.

  And he wasn’t in much better shape right now. He knew that house like the back of his hand. He could follow her, convince her, seduce her, take her, show her, make her give what he—

  And destroy everything he wanted for her? Yeah, great idea, and the reason that he’d been fighting this battle.

  And losing it.

  And tonight he was very close to losing it. He was burning. His body was tense, ready, and he couldn’t stop feeling her hands on him. He wasn’t going to be able to lie all night in that bed in the summerhouse when he knew how easy it would be for him to get to her. The very skills that made it impossible for him to allow himself to get any closer to her would make it simple for him to reach her, touch her. As he had told Eve, he could reach out and find anyone.

  Catch 22.

  Screw it.

  He turned on his heel and strode back into the summerhouse. He damn well couldn’t stay here tonight, so he might as well do what he did best and go after Ladeau right now, he thought recklessly. He was on edge, and the frustration would only fuel the hunt.

  And it would keep him from showing Cara how right he’d been to stay away from her.

  * * *

  Darkness.

  The air was thick and so suffocatingly close Eve could hardly breathe. It was as if she were breathing in water. Dampness all around her.

  And the darkness seemed to be pressing in on her, causing her heart to labor and—

  “But darkness is good, Mama. Everyone is asleep, and it’s easier for me to get to you. They kind of interfere…”

  Michael!

  “I can’t see you, Michael. I can’t see anything. Are you all right?”

  “I’m fine, Mama.” Soothing. Anxious to calm. Loving. “I miss you. But we’ll be together soon.”

  “Yes, we will.” She paused. “Is Norwalk hurting you?”

  “I’m fine, Mama.”

  “You didn’t answer me.”

  “Only a couple times. I got hurt worse when I fell down at soccer practice. Remember that?”

  “Yes, I remember.” And she was also remembering those young, joyous, exuberant boys who had been playing with him when he had taken that fall.

  “Me, too.” Sadness. Bewilderment. Hurt. Terrible, terrible, loneliness. “He shouldn’t have done it. I don’t know why, Mama. I’ve tried to see, but I can’t. I guess I’m not smart enough.”

  “No one is smart enough to know why anyone would do something that wicked, Michael. We just have to try to keep them from doing it. That’s what your dad does every single day.”

  Silence. “And when they do it anyway, they just have to go away?”

  “Yes, so they won’t ever do it again.”

  “That’s what I thought. He has to go away.” A pause. “I’m crawling outside the shack now. I want you and Dad to be able to see this island where I am. That will help, won’t it?”

  “Michael, it’s too dark. Even if it wasn’t, I can’t see what you see.”

  “Yes, you can. If you think hard, and I think hard, we can do it. We were able to do it before. We just didn’t need it anymore.”

  “He lets you move around this island? He doesn’t tie
you up?”

  “He showed me all the bad things to scare me. I bother him … I think he wouldn’t mind if I tried to get away. He keeps talking about the alligator on the other island. The one that could swallow me.”

  Fear. Panic. Desperation. “Don’t try to get away. Don’t go in the water. We’ll come for you.”

  “I know. Don’t be afraid, Mama.” Comfort. Warmth. Infinite love. “I’m outside the shack now. You have to try to see. It might not be easy, since we’re not used to it anymore. And I don’t know how long I’ll be able to stay with you.”

  “It’s too dark, Michael.”

  “No there’s moonlight, you’ll see it soon. Think about it, we’ll see it together…”

  “I’m trying hard.” She concentrated, desperately focusing. “What am I supposed to be seeing?”

  “I’ll tell you, but I want you to see it. You need to remember. It’s important. Today he kept talking about something happening tomorrow. It’s tomorrow now, Mama.”

  “I’m trying, Michael,” she said frantically. “I don’t know if I can—”

  “You can do anything, Mama. And you’re not alone. They’ll help you.”

  “Who will help me?”

  “You know.”

  Yes, she knew. The desperation was suddenly gone, sliding away as if it had never been.

  As the surrounding darkness was beginning to fade and slide away.

  And then she could see the moonlight.

  * * *

  Alligators.

  Snakes.

  Rougarou.

  Eve sat up straight in bed, her heart pounding. “Joe!”

  Joe was instantly awake. “What’s wrong?”

  “I hope something’s right. Maybe not enough…” Eve jumped out of bed. She glanced at the clock as she turned on the bedside lamp. 3:40 A.M. “I have to find my sketchbook.” She saw it across the room with her overnight case, and the next moment, she had reached it. “I have to get it all down. There was so much … Michael said I have to remember it. He said that Norwalk mentioned something might happen today.”