by Elisabeth
“Something is different, hayatim,” he said.
The term of endearment still gave me goosebumps. I wanted to hear him call me that all the time. I didn’t think that I could ever get sick of hearing his voice. Before, when he first walked out, I couldn’t bear to hear his voice. Now, I didn’t want to be without.
“Different? Yes, but I need to be honest, Dragos. Really honest with you,” I said.
I felt oddly alone when he stopped touching me. When he moved back to his spot on the stool across from me, I wanted to cry. I felt like I would never get to feel his touch on my skin again. That was what I was afraid of the most, not having him with me anymore when he came around again. That’s why I disappeared from all forms of social media. Every single link to him, I let go of because I knew that even though the man broke my heart, I would want him again. I’d crave the way he put his elbow up on the counter, rested his chin in his open palm, and then just watched me. Just like he was doing right then. It unnerved me like it had when he first did it. I had gotten used to it, and I would stare back, but it felt new all over again. It was different.
“Hayatim…” Dragos called out to me.
I sighed, shutting my eyes as I reveled in the way he made me feel. This was too much, too fast, but what could I do? This was what happened to me the first time. My heart was beating like crazy; my palms were beginning to get sweaty, and it was all due to Dragos stepping back into my life.
“I—” I cleared my throat. I was strong. I could do this. “I can’t,” I started to say.
“You can’t or you won’t?” he asked. There was no anger in his voice. It was just a simple question.
“I don’t know, Dragos. I just, I don’t want to feel like that, ever again,” I admitted.
“You think I’d break your heart again?” he asked. “What reason could I possibly have to break your heart again? And am I a fool enough to do so?”
I shrugged, not sure if I could answer his questions. I buried my face in my hands.
“You don’t know how much that broke my heart, Dragos. Everything shattered inside of me. I don’t care how crazy that sounds, but it felt like my entire world not only got tipped; it got bombed. I have never in my life felt that kind of hurt. It took me years to get over you, Dragos. Please don’t put me through it again.” I wasn’t even sure if I was begging him at this point, but something had to give.
I heard him as he sighed.
“The pain you felt, I felt. Meleğim,” he called me. My breath hitched at that, but I refused to look up at him because I would see the pain in his eyes. Those eyes that I loved with every part of me. “The hurt that I’ve caused you, I could never stop begging for your forgiveness. I’m sorry a million times, baby. I never meant to hurt you, but I had to. I couldn’t break your heart even more and have you look in my eyes, knowing I couldn’t protect my family. I’m not just talking about the Demirs. I’m also talking about the Kamaus. Your sisters are my sisters. Your parents are mine too. It was my responsibility to protect them just as much as I wanted to protect you. Wami,” he said.
At this, I looked up at him. He called me a term of endearment that he learned from me. Wami meant mine in Swahili. He remembered that?
“I can’t believe you remembered that,” I said with a smile on my face.
Dragos’s smile matched mine.
“How could I ever forget it? It’s the best word your, hayir—” He shook his head. “My parents taught me,” he said with a broader smile. He winked at me.
“You still call them your parents, Dragos?” I couldn’t help it as I laughed.
Was it a bit absurd that he did that? Yes, but it didn’t change that I still considered his mother my anne, as well. I just wouldn’t admit it to him.
Dragos joined me as he laughed too.
“Yep. I don’t think they hate me, though,” he said.
I tilted my head.
“Why do you say that?”
“Cause your anne accepted my friend request on Facebook.” He shrugged.
My eyes widened.
“She did what?” I lightly chuckled. My mom was something else. “Of course, she did. She probably wanted to see if you were still single. That woman will be the death of me one day.”
“She likes all of my pictures. I miss her and her cooking the most out of everyone,” Dragos teased.
I rolled my eyes.
“The fact that you just said you missed my mother more than me; you can leave now.”
Dragos snickered.
“Hayatim, she’s your mother. You can’t be jealous of her. She’s married, baby.”
“Dragos…” I warned him. It wasn’t because of my mother but because he didn’t shake off the terms. I needed him to just use my name, but would that make it better or worse? I opened my mouth to say something, but his cell went off.
Dragos reached in his pocket then looked at the screen. His face displayed various emotions all at once. Was I losing my touch when it came to reading his facial expressions and what they meant?
“Günaydın annecim,” he said. Dragos had a smile on his face talking to his mother, but then it was like it all changed. “Jacqueline? What is it?”
At this, Dragos stood. I stood too, not sure what was going on. Should I have been inserting my behind in his business? Probably not, but this was always my issue with him.
“Dragos?” I called his name out, but he seemed to be somewhere else.
He shut his eyes as he visibly shook. He looked pissed as hell, but he shut his eyes.
“I’m coming. Just keep him safe, will you?” He hung up, and I slowly walked, standing in front of him.
“Dragos,” I called his name out and reached out, touching his arm.
He twitched as if he was not used to my touch. I didn’t find offense to it because I knew he wasn’t used to me touching him anymore.
Dragos opened his eyes and looked down at me. He heavily sighed as if he was tired. I wanted to ask of what, but before I did that, he picked me up before setting me down on the counter. He wrapped his arms around my neck, hugging me. I wanted to laugh at first because I knew it would’ve been hard for him to hug me while standing; hence, he’d placed me on this counter. But this wasn’t the time to laugh. I wrapped my arms around his waist, opening my legs to give his body space to fit.
“I’m tired, hayatim. I’m so tired,” he said.
“Dragos,” I called his name out.
“Lütfen, Aşkım,” he said. “Let me just be. I need this, more than anything else in my life.”
The strain in his words, his voice was too much for me to handle. I shut my eyes as I reveled in his hug. No one else gave the best hugs but Dragos. What was happening to us right now?
Chapter Three
Dragos
I felt a little less irritated and angry when I hugged Neema. It wasn’t right to ask this of her. To burden her with my issues, but when I tried to leave, she wouldn’t let me drive, claiming that one shouldn’t drive upset. It was odd, really, to see Neema driving my Jeep, but I didn’t mind. It brought back memories of me teaching her how to drive. It was the most terrifying task I’d ever been a part of. Luckily now, she drove pretty well.
I looked out the window, trying to tell my brain and body to calm down as we made our way to my mother’s home. My mother was okay, but it was Amir. He wasn’t okay. Jacqueline told me that Amir’s biological father called, and his voice alone caused Amir to react. Something had happened during the accident, but my little buddy didn’t want to ever talk about it. I didn’t blame him, nor would I ever force him. Ehren wasn’t allowed to call him, so there were going to be some things that had to be done. I would make a call back home after I checked on my son.
“Dragos?” Neema’s sweet voice called out to me. “You okay?”
She cared so much more than she was letting on. That was what I loved about her. She was a truly caring person in a world full of people who didn’t care at all. I shut my eyes, just wishing I co
uld take everyone’s pain away. My mother’s for losing her daughter and husband, Neema’s for what I did to her, and Amir’s for not getting to hug his mother all the time. I just wished for so much.
“Yeah,” I answered. There was nothing else I could say to her as we pulled up in my mother’s driveway.
Neema turned off the engine.
“I’ll wait here, or I can just take an Uber back home,” she said.
I turned to face her.
“Uff, hayatim, uff. What? No. Come in, please,” I said and got out without giving her a chance to say no.
I heard the driver’s door close, and a small smile appeared on my face. I unlocked the door then made my way through the foyer. It screamed my mother’s taste of beiges mixed with the gold color.
As soon as I stepped into the living room, Amir ran towards me.
“Amcam,” he cried out.
I picked him up in my arms.
“Shhh, küçüğüm. Shhh, Tamam, şimdi buradayım.”
Speaking to Amir in Turkish calmed him down faster and made him feel much more connected to me. Amir hadn’t really cried since the last episode he had, but he couldn’t help it as he balled in my arms. I sat on the couch, invested in taking care of him. I lightly stroked his hair as I patted his back while he held on to me tight. I turned towards my mother’s nurse, Jacqueline, who tried her best not to cry along with Amir. She grew fond of Amir, and it broke her heart that he was this devastated. My beautiful mother had tears in her eyes as she sat across from me and watched her grandson cry his little heart out. She looked up at me.
“Tanrı seni korusun oğlum,” my mother said.
I smiled at her.
“Aradığında hep gelirim annecim,” I reminded her.
Before I could say anything else, Neema spoke up.
“Günaydın annecim.”
My mother hadn’t noticed her, so when she turned towards the voice, she gasped.
“Neema?” my mother said in a shocked tone. “Tatlım, is that you?” she asked cautiously.
This caused Amir to quiet down. I could tell he was interested in what was going on. Sometimes, he could pick up on what was going on and, other times, not so much.
Neema made her way to where my mother was sitting, and when she sat down next to her, my mother pulled her in for a hug. This time, it was Neema and my anne crying. It was odd but comforting, I’d say. The three most important girls in my life, Neema, anne, and Defne were close, and it always made me happy. Now, it was bittersweet because Defne couldn’t join in their tearful reunion.
“I missed you,” Neema said.
My mother kissed both her cheeks, pulling her back in for a tight hug.
“Not more than I missed you. I thought about you every day and prayed for you, too, my dear.” My mother and Neema stopped hugging.
Neema wiped my mother’s tears.
“I’m so sorry about Defne, annecim. I’m so sorry. I wish I cou—” my mother cut her off.
“Shhh, it’s okay. It’s okay. Tatlım.” She kissed both her cheeks.
****
Neema
Seeing Mrs. Demir was nostalgic at best. After the tears and the heartfelt talk, she had me tell her about everything I was doing with my life. Jacqueline, the nurse, reminded me of my mother. Her pretty caramel skin glistened, and she had a sweet nature as she took care of Dragos’s mother.
As I talked to Dragos’s mother, I noticed his nephew was staring at me again, just like he did the first time he met me. He sat there, not leaving Dragos’s side. I noticed that this must’ve not been the first time this happened because Dragos didn’t seem to mind. Amir had his head on his uncle’s lap while Dragos stroked his hair and watched TV. Those pale blue eyes were just as intense as his uncle’s.
“Amcam,” Amir started.
“Hmm?”
“Evli misiniz?” he asked. I didn’t know what it meant, but given the way Dragos chuckled, it must’ve been something funny.
“Hayir, Ben evli değilim,” he answered him.
“Amcam?” Amir called him again.
“Hmm, Amir?” Dragos’s accent was much more evident as he answered.
“Are you married?” he asked him but still looked at me.
“No, Amir, I’m not married yet,” Dragos answered.
Amir blinked.
“Are you married?” he asked.
I wasn’t sure if he was asking me or Dragos, so I didn’t answer. He stared at me again.
“Are you married?” he repeated.
Dragos looked up at me.
“He’s asking you, hayatim.”
Before I could answer, Amir began talking.
“Her name is hayatim? Why? Is it because she’s your life? How can she be your life, amcam? Do you love her? Are you going to marry her? I don’t mind if you marry her because she’s pretty, and when she came last time, the pizza came right after her. I like her. Does she like me? Do you like me, hayatim? She likes me. I can see it in her eyes.” Amir fired question after question at me then made the decision for me.
Dragos softly smiled at me.
“Inşallah, şimdi buradayım,” he said to Amir. “Let it come from your mouth to God’s ears.”
I tilted my head.
“What did you just say to him?” I asked, curious as ever. Dragos never really spoke in the full Turkish language around me.
“I said God willing, little one. He likes you,” Dragos said. “Amir, my special, precious, amazing son,” he said with the biggest smile on his face as he glanced down at Amir then back at me, all while still stroking his hair. “He was diagnosed with ASD, specifically Asperger’s. He’s so smart. He has his bad days, but the great ones outweigh the bad. The moment I laid my eyes on him, I fell in love. I love him as his uncle and now as his father. Sometimes, I see so much of Defne in him, from his hair to the way he laughs. Küçük kız kardeşimi özlüyorum. I said, “I miss my younger sister.” Sadness filled Dragos’s voice and eyes.
“Dragos…” I called his name out. I wanted to stand up and give him a hug, but I couldn’t disturb his time with Amir.
I glanced back at Amir, who was now smiling at me. I couldn’t help it as I smiled back at him. He was such a beautiful little boy. Amir stood, for the first time away from Dragos. He came over to me in all his curly glory and hugged me before I could do anything about it. I froze for a moment, not sure how to react, but then I hugged him back. Amir gave hugs like his uncle. I couldn’t help but never want this hug to end. Amir climbed in my lap, kissed me on the forehead, and laid his head on my shoulder.
I looked at Dragos, wide-eyed and not sure what to do. All he did was smile at me, one that I hadn’t seen in a long time. He was happy.
“Thank you, Neema. Thank you for not shying away from his hug.”
I smiled back as I began to stroke his hair, just like I saw Dragos do.
“You know I can’t deny a Demir anything. They give the best hugs too.”
Dragos chuckled. His mother spoke up before he could.
“Sevgilim, do me a favor? Stop flirting with my tatlim and make me some breakfast. I’m starving,” she said.
Dragos playfully shook his head.
“Allah, Allah, annecim, baby, don’t be like that. She’s my hayatim, so I can’t deny her or you. I’ll make you whatever you want.” He winked at her as he stood and went towards the kitchen.
“Eline sağlık,” she said to him as she blew him a kiss.
Dragos wiggled his brows at her as he went to go make us all breakfast.
Chapter Four
Dragos
Making breakfast for everyone was a distraction, one that I thought I got away with until Neema walked into the kitchen. Amir was in her arms as he had his legs wrapped around her waist and his head on her shoulders.
“You know, you can put him down, right? He’s not a baby,” I told Neema.
She shrugged with a hint of a smile on her face.
“It’s fine. I miss being around litt
le kids, and he isn’t even heavy,” she answered. “Plus,” she whispered, “I think he’s asleep.”
She rocked side to side with Amir in her arms as she hummed a tune. I stared at her as she was in her element. This was what I always wanted. My heart ached at the sight of her soothing Amir like she did. I wanted this; the five kids, the big house with the balcony, making sure that everything I did kept her happy, and I wanted to be the devoted husband that did everything for her. I realized that I was staring. Blinking my attention away from her, I focused on making breakfast.
“What is it?” she softly whispered. “Something’s wrong, and we’re … talking now, right?” Her face filled with worry.
I sighed.
“I don’t want him to hear.” I gestured towards Amir. “He’s a light sleeper, and I don’t want anything else to stress him out.”
Neema nodded.
“I get that, but tell me something that won’t stress him out and will make me worry less. I know this is a weird dynamic for the both of us, but you couldn’t even drive over here. That’s how upset you were,” Neema said.
She was always so observant when it came to a lot of my actions. I stared into the pan that I was frying the eggs in. I shrugged, not wanting to look her in the eyes. It wasn’t that I was afraid to say it to her. If she saw the expression in my eyes, she would be afraid of what was going on in them. There was so much I had to reel in after what I did. Not only taking a man’s life but several people’s lives, it changed a man. It changed my internal compass to make certain decisions I would’ve never made before, but now, that was all I went to. I had to calm down. The hand tremors were coming back with a vengeance; the spatula in my hand shook hard. I tried my best to focus on the positive things in my life, but all I saw in my line of vision was three-year-old Amir crying at his mother’s funeral. Then, the version of him now, who sometimes woke up in the middle of the night screaming for her. Ehren traumatized my son.
I felt a small hand on top of mine. It was that touch that brought me back. It made me think of all the times that she touched me. Her soft way that she would rub my back or even when she would just hug me.
