Deader Still

by Jordaina Sydney Robinson

  “Detective Johnson. Officer Leonard.” Oz nodded at each in turn before following me out of the room

  Oz didn’t speak until we had tunnelled onto the garden patio at our house. The housemates were making the most of the warm summer evening with a barbecue. Petal, Pam and Lucy were lounging in the centre of the long garden on deckchairs. They were fully engaged in an animated discussion of what was the most practical nail varnish colour, Clem was happily tending to the cooking and Mark was reading The Feminine Mystique. No one noticed our arrival.

  I flopped down into one of the deckchairs on the patio and watched them. They all seemed to take to this afterlife business so easily. No dead ghost bodies fell out at them every other day. No one was assessing their mental state.

  Oz stood in front of me, eyes cataloguing my expression, hands casually shoved into the pockets of his shorts. “Please tell me there is absolutely no way they could have the slightest shred of evidence that would tie you to this or that you have done anything illegal whatsoever since your sentencing.”

  I brushed my fringe from my eyes. “Thanks for the vote of confidence.”

  Oz’s expression didn’t change. “Did I say I thought you did it?”

  “Not exactly.”

  “Not at all.” He crouched down in front of me, elbows resting on his thighs and fingers interlaced. “Johnson looked far too happy.”

  “And he didn’t try to throw Officer Leonard out.”

  “Exactly.” Oz reached out to finger the whistle I was still wearing. For a moment I thought he was going to take it back and my stomach dropped. “Keep this hidden, okay?”

  “Okay.” I took the whistle from his hands and tucked it back inside my jumpsuit. “But there’s really not much point me having it anyway since your obedience is lacking.”

  He frowned at me. “My obedience? You blew it. I came.”

  “This time. You didn’t come this morning.” I held up a finger in warning. “And don’t tell me you didn’t hear it or feel an emotional spike through this stupid bond because my emotions were definitely spiking.”

  “I can’t hear it or feel you when you’re at the assessment centre.” He had the good grace to look apologetic about that. “What happened?”

  “One of the assessment leaders greeted me with ‘your parole officer can’t save you this time’, or something along those lines, so I threw a chair at her.”

  Oz raised an eyebrow. “You threw a chair at her?”

  “Yeah, I considered that a threat so I blew the whistle and then threw a chair at her. Or did I blow it after I threw the chair? I can’t remember. Anyway, then she tackled me, so I sort of backward head-butted her and made it to the door. But a guy was blocking the way so I kicked him in the shin, dodged him and made it out into the corridor where Watson appeared.”

  Oz briefly covered his eyes with his hand. “Please tell me you didn’t attack her.”

  “I was tempted, but no. Just the other two.”

  “Well, that’s okay then, if it was only the twoassessment leaders you physically assaulted.”

  “Hey! Less of the attitude. They threatened me. And then, then, Jenny denied even saying it. And when were you going to tell me about this assessment?”

  “I only found out after they summoned you.” Oz pulled a red envelope out of his pocket and handed it to me. “It has all the details in there.”

  The envelope was addressed to me. I turned it over to find it had already been opened. “You opened my post?”

  He shrugged. “I’m your guardian. I’m allowed.”

  “You’ll be looking through my underwear next,” I mumbled.

  “You don’t have any underwear.”

  I leaned forward and stared into his face. “I know.”

  Petal had loaned me a couple of vests but I was on a wash and wear cycle with my one bra and one pair of knickers. It was not ideal. I’d had to resort to sleeping in a work jumpsuit. Sleeping naked didn’t bother me per se, but when you kept waking up with housemates draped all over you it got a bit awkward. For me at least. It never seemed to both them.

  “Just keep that whistle hidden from now on, okay?” he repeated before we could get back onto the topic of my requested makeup and clothes.

  I made sure it was tucked beneath the vest under my jumpsuit. “Shouldn’t I have it?”

  “In normal circumstances you’d give it to a charge whose acclimatisation you were worried about.” Oz glanced over his shoulder to check the housemates were still oblivious to our arrival. They were. That nail varnish conversation must’ve been fascinating. “I gave it to you because I was worried about your safety. I don’t want the assessors to mistake why you have it.”

  “Is the assessment still going ahead with another doctor?”

  “Someone called Jenny is going to oversee it and file the paperwork.” Oz moved out of his crouch with the grace of the feline predator he occasionally resembled and sat in the deckchair next to me, watching our housemates. “But they’ll get another doctor in for the final assessments.”

  “Exactly how big of a deal are these assessments?” I opened the top half of my jumpsuit and tied the arms around my waist. I should probably have changed but, as long as the bloodstain wasn’t touching my skin and I couldn’t see it, it just didn’t bother me that much anymore. And I had nothing to change into other than another work jumpsuit.

  Oz hesitated. His eyes searched my face. “Just do what they ask, keep your head down, don’t assault anyone else and it should be fine.”

  I gave him my best deadpan stare. “Thanks for that. I feel so reassured.”

  Before Oz could say anything else, Lucy sashayed up to us. “How long have you two been sitting back here?” She flipped her new hair extensions over her shoulder with exaggerated effort and narrowly missed hitting Petal in the face with her wall of hair. When had she managed to get those done? And where? And how?

  Petal ducked the hair assault and pulled me to my feet so she could hug me before I could ask Lucy for details. “I’m so sorry for your loss.” For a skinny teenager, she had some strength. I patted her back, a little less awkwardly than I had with my snivelling passengers on The Bus of Death, but then Petal wasn’t wiping mascara over me. And I liked Petal.

  “It’s okay, Petal.” I pulled back and held her at arm’s length to check her face for tears. They were brimming in her eyes but if we could get off the topic quickly there would be no spillages.

  Pam draped an arm around Petal’s shoulders and handed her a hankie but spoke to me. “Wasn’t she your GA leader?”

  “Excuse me, ladies.” Oz pushed to his feet and headed across the garden to Clem, who was flipping burgers. Boys and fire and meat. Who understood it?

  “Er … no.” I watched Oz’s back as he sauntered over to the barbecue. My, he cut a fine figure of a man, even in flip-flops and shorts.

  “Oh. But she was a GA leader?” Pam frowned and flopped down onto the grass with more flexibility than I had, her flowing tie-dye skirt covering her modesty as she folded her legs. She’d changed since my funeral? Was the skirt new? Had they gone shopping?

  I pointed to her skirt. “Is that new?” I asked and then turned to Lucy. I held up a stand of her hair before Pam could answer. “And when did this happen?”

  “Priorities, Bridget,” Pam said, leaning forward and tugging on the leg of my jumpsuit.

  I returned to my deckchair and Petal batted Pam’s hand out of the way and sat at my feet, placing her hand on my foot. I assumed it was a gesture of comfort, so I let it go.

  “So, she was a GA leader?” Pam repeated.

  I shook my head. “I don’t know, I thought she was a doctor. ”

  “No. Well, yes, she was.” Lucy carefully levered herself down into the deckchair with several degrees more caution than it warranted. “But her main job was a GA leader assessor.”

  I watched Lucy examine her bright red nails for chips. “How do you know?”

  “She taught a couple of class
es at the academy.” Lucy buffed her nails on her jeans and examined them again. “All about the mind-set of the newly transitioned. I think she only took patients on to keep herself relevant.”

  “Whoa, whoa.” I held my hands up and looked around our small group. Neither Pam nor Petal seemed surprised by this revelation. “What academy? You’re training to be a GA leader? That’s your job? You only have to lead a two hour session a day? How is that fair?”

  Lucy pointed a glossy, blood red talon at me. “It might only be a two hour session but there’s an eight hour day of prep and paperwork that has to be submitted before the session can even happen, so don’t give me attitude about my ‘easy job’.”

  “Yeah. Like it takes eight hours to prep a tunnelling session.” I narrowed my eyes at her finger and she retracted it and folded her arms, her fingers wrapping around her biceps so all her nails were visible.

  “You’re right, that doesn’t take eight hours.” Lucy pulled her lips back but it didn’t quite come off as a smile, more a show of teeth. “That takes three days to prep. Do you have any idea of the amount, or length, of the personal liability forms we have to fill out? No. You don’t. So quit whining. You get to run about in the sunshine all day.”

  “That told you,” Petal whispered with a small smile and tapped my foot.

  I ruffled Petal’s fine mane of fluff she called hair. It was acceptable for me to do it to other people. And it was just so silky. “Who’s your suspect for her murder?” I asked Lucy.

  “Newly deads. They can be so unpredictable,” Lucy said with a snort. “And the doc was alright. She was a little bit too ‘blah’ for me. Really the only person she could’ve annoyed was a newly dead. And that would be because she had to explain they were dead and they had a job. Neither was her fault.”

  “There was the ex-boyfriend,” Pam reminded Lucy.

  “Oh yeah.” Lucy wagged a finger at Pam. “I forgot about him.”

  I looked between all three of them. “Who? Charon?”

  “I don’t know who that is.” Lucy shook her head making sure her new hair extensions rippled down her back with the motion.

  “Tall guy, blond, athletic. Very dry sense of humour.” How could they not know who Charon was? I’d known about him before I died. Didn’t expect him to be real though. On balance, there were a lot of things about the afterlife that I hadn’t expected.

  Lucy pulled her lips down at the corners. “Yeah, sounds like him. But he said his name was Eric.”

  “Ah, yeah. I’m terrible with names.” I gave a one-shoulder shrug and winced internally. I wonder why he’d not given his real name. Had Watson known his real name? I was totally asking about that. “What happened?”

  “Didn’t take the break up well. Too needy.” Lucy grimaced as if that was the worst thing a boyfriend could be.

  Petal tapped my foot to get my attention. “And the girl who claimed the doc stole her dissertation to submit as a paper to some medical journal.”

  “Oh yeah. Her too.” Lucy pointed to Petal, making sure her nail polish caught in the sunlight.

  “And the guy who blamed her for failing the course because she didn’t give him the correct exam time,” Pam added.

  “Or the guy she accused of stealing office supplies from the storeroom.” Petal nodded at Pam.

  I looked between the three of them. “Sooooooo, what you’re saying is there’s actually quite a long list?”

  Lucy shrugged. “She’s been dead ten years. She was bound to have made some enemies.”

  “I don’t really think ten years is that long of a time to have such a long list of people that want to kill you,” I said

  Lucy arched an eyebrow at me. “You were dead a week before someone tried to kill you.”

  I inclined my head. “Touché.”

  “And now we’re two weeks in and there’s another body in your locker.” Lucy buffed her nails on her jeans and examined them again.

  Pam lowered her voice and checked over her shoulder to make sure Oz was out of earshot. “We have a pool going at work about how long you’ll survive.”

  “What’s your bet?” Lucy asked Pam.

  Pam pressed her lips together and winced at me in apology. “Well, after you found the first body, I said three weeks.”

  I stared at her, mouth slightly ajar. “Gee, thanks, Pam.”

  She pointed up and down my body. “In my defence, you don’t exactly look the savvy-sleuthing-outwitting-a-murderer type.”

  “I think I’m going to take that as a compliment,” I said and then gestured to the others in turn. “Did you two bet?”

  Lucy flipped her hair again. “I went two weeks. Same reason as Pam. You’re just so girlish.” Said the girl with the red talons and hair extensions. Pot? Kettle? Anyone?

  I frowned at them. “Thanks for the support. Did you bet, Petal?”

  Petal shook her head. “At the time I didn’t see the point.”

  “Because you knew I’d be okay?” I asked as I ruffled her hair again.

  “No. By the time they were taking bets, you’d already lasted longer than I’d thought you would,” Petal said with a wince.

  “Oh. Right.”

  “We placed the bets before we knew you. And we were being realistic,” Lucy said.

  Pam tilted her head to look at me. “Although now it’s a little worrisome. There are four dead bodies tied to you in total. Three in your locker and one who was killed after dying her hair the same beautiful colour as yours. How long can it be before you accidentally catch the murderer stuffing another body in your locker and get jammed in there as well for your trouble?”

  Wasn’t that an excellent point? Hot damn, I needed a new locker.

  Chapter Six

  “I’m so very disturbed by how happy you look right now,” I said as I placed my loaded breakfast tray on the table and sat down. Sabrina’s smile was so bright I almost considered checking inside her mouth for a light bulb.

  Pete’s eyes widened when he saw the array of food. “How come you’ve got all that?” His eyes jumped from the bowl of fresh fruit salad and yoghurt to the bacon sandwich to the three slices of toast and two boiled eggs. His fingers twitched as if he couldn’t decide what to steal first. Even Charlie wore an expression of envy.

  Both men were mid-fifties but Pete had cut his grey hair short, I assumed in an attempt to conceal his receding hairline, which I respected him for. The haircut accentuated his weathered face and occasional steely-eyed stare. Charlie had a full head of salt and pepper hair and a kind, tanned face. Really, they looked like opposite ends of the scale. Like Pete would skin you alive if you sneezed too loudly but Charlie would offer you a tissue and a “Bless you”.

  “Greta, the serving lady with the curly grey hair, gave it all to me. She’s under the impression I’m having a tough induction to the afterlife.” The bacon sandwich was calling to me but I couldn’t quite give up all the little healthy habits I’d strived so hard to cultivate in life. Especially after the ice cream yesterday – calorie free or not. I chose the yoghurt and fruit and pushed the tray over to Pete.

  Pete accepted it with a wolfish grin. “I knew you’d do the right thing, Bridge.”

  I picked up my spoon to stir the fruit into my yoghurt. “How did the rest of my funeral go?” I asked Sabrina.

  Pete dropped the bacon sandwich before he’d even taken a bite. “I can’t believe you two. I just can’t.”

  “What?” I asked, placing the empty fruit bowl back on the table.

  “You didn’t do anything foolish while you were there, did you?” Charlie asked. “You’re both on probation. If you got caught the consequences would be—”

  “Dire?” Sabrina asked.

  “Harsh?” I added.

  “So unmentionably terrible that no one seems to ever detail exactly what the consequences might be other than their level of awfulness?” Sabrina arched an eyebrow at Charlie before turning her attention back to me. “And where did you disappear to yesterday,
anyway? I looked around, you were gone and Oz was freaking out.”

  “I’m being assessed on how well-adjusted I am.”

  Sabrina frowned. “You’ve been dead two weeks. How well-adjusted do they expect you to be?”

  “Since I’m being assessed, I’m guessing better adjusted than I am. But remember that therapy session I had to have last week?”

  Sabrina nodded. “With Dr Watson? The weird woman who didn’t move her face? Was that only last week?”

  “I know, right?” I said as I stirred some sugar into my tea. “Well, she was leading the assessment until someone stuffed her doubly dead body into my locker.”

  A slow smile spread over Sabrina’s face. “There was a rumour but I thought for sure someone had made it up because it was a slow news day.”

  “It disturbs me that another dead body in my locker, and another stained uniform, makes you so happy,” I said before eating a mouthful of yogurt.

  Sabrina grinned at me. “I was born this way. So your assessment is cancelled now?”

  “Nope, Jenny is in charge,” I said, aware that Pete and Charlie were watching our conversation like a tennis match.

  “Jenny? Why do I know that name?” Sabrina’s eyes darted all over the room but her attention was focused inward.

  “You remember that whiny girl from our first GA meeting who haunted the livie and then got arrested by the GBs?”

  “Her?” Sabrina’s voice was filled with disgust. “How is she running the assessment? That’s a weird-ass punishment.”

  “Yeah, turns out she was a GB plant.” I spooned some fruity yogurt into my mouth.

  Sabrina closed her eyes and shook her head. “I goddamn hate this place.”

  I patted Sabrina’s knee. “I backward head-butted her, if it makes you feel any better.”

  Sabrina thought about that for a moment then nodded. “It really does.”

  “Why did you backward head-butt her?” Charlie asked.

  “Don’t engage with it,” Pete said, waving his hand in front of us as if he could wipe us out of his vision.

  “She tackled me,” I explained, ignoring Pete.