Love-in-Idleness

by Christina Bell

  Nick Bottom was behind the bar, investigating each bottle of liquor and consuming a quick splash of the ones that intrigued him. He pondered the events of the evening aloud.

  “Why do you think Mr. Oberon needs for us to do this silly play? Why can’t he hire actors?”

  The other boys were lounging on various other pieces of furniture. Peter and Francis had taken over the oversized brown velvet sofa, and had their feet on a cherry wood coffee table the size of a twin bed. Sloan and Robin sat idly in smaller matching chairs, waiting for the others to lead the rest of the evening.

  “Who cares?” insisted Peter. “Whatever gets me a MBA program recommendation from Mr. Oberon. Just think of it as practice for your fraternity. They have to do things like this all the time. Maybe it’s the old guy’s way of getting us ready for college.”

  Miles took offense at being referred to as old. He was in his mid-forties. HE was younger than half the heartthrobs in Hollywood.

  Francis shook his head in apparent disagreement. “I think it’s because of the redhead. That guy who’s getting married has a daughter.”

  “So what, he has a daughter.” Sloan shrugged. “What does that have to do with us?” Nick nodded. “Francis is right. Maybe he’s setting out a little beefcake buffet for the new girl.”

  Miles laughed out loud, looking at the crew of nitwits assembled in his home. Only a group this clueless wouldn’t be able to figure out that they were being mocked. What could be funnier than a bunch of stupid, arrogant rich boys in drag? It would be the hit of the social season. He only wished he had thought of it for one of his own weddings, but Puck had a more reasonable group of friends back then.

  In the living room, Peter lifted one hand like a traffic cop in a valiant effort to focus the group. “Okay, the wedding is this weekend, so if we’re going to do this thing, then let’s do it, and for God’s sake, stop drinking, Nick.” Peter walked to the bar and reached over to remove a bottle of Courvoisier from Nick’s hand and put it down on the bar. “Puck left copies of the play, let’s read through it. Sloan, try to keep up and just roar at the right parts.”

  Nick guffawed loudly, only to be silenced by a nasty look from Peter. “Try not to hurl, Nick.”

  Peter distributed the small pamphlets. The group took a minute to peruse them. Nick flipped right to the end, and as he read, slowly lifted his hand as if he were in class.

  “Yes, Nick,” sighed Peter.

  “Everyone dies. Why are we doing a play where everyone dies at a wedding?” Nick asked.

  “Yeah, I don’t get that either,” added Sloan.

  “We should get rid of the killing,” suggested Robin.

  Peter put his book down and rubbed his forehead with his hands. “It’s romantic, you idiots. They die for love, like Romeo and Juliet. It’s a celebration of true and everlasting devotion.”

  Robin looked down at the rug. “I don’t get it,” he muttered.

  “Listen,” said Nick. “I’ll give a speech before the play and explain that it’s only acting and no one really dies, so that people aren’t upset.”

  Peter picked up his copy of the play and hurled it at Nick’s head. “It’s a play, you idiot! They know you don’t really die!” In his office, Miles smiled, thinking that maybe, just maybe, he might be tempted to help Peter out someday. He was showing promise. On the screen, it appeared that the boys were actually ready to attempt a read-through. He lingered there, listening to the lines of the play being read. Nick couldn’t even make it through his first line without screwing up, saying “odious” instead of “odors.” But the end of that passage was Nick’s cue to exit the room, which he did.

  Miles left his study and walked quietly toward the hallway where Nick was standing. As luck would have it, the young man was peering around the corner at the other boys and not looking toward Miles. In an effort to lead the boy further down the hall, toward Titania’s bedroom, Miles caused a door at the far end of the hall to slam shut. Instead of quietly noticing the noise and moving to investigate, the boy leapt into the air, waving his arms and knocking a vase off its pedestal. As the vase toppled to the floor, Miles made it stop midair and float safely to the ground, muttering, “Jackass,” under his breath. When he looked up from the vase, what he saw caused him to duck into a spare room to keep from laughing out loud. Somehow, in the process of focusing his energy in Nick’s general direction and speaking at the same time, he caused a shift in the boy’s anatomy. Where there was once a teenager’s light stubble, there was now an abundance of short, coarse, straw-colored fur. Nick’s nose extended forward as if pulled by an invisible hand, and as it did so, its size increased to proportions that were no longer human. Nick Bottom’s head was transformed into something resembling a donkey.

  It was a careless mistake on Miles’s part, but he instantly saw the potential in his error.

  He could hear the boys continuing with their lines, and made out Francis, as Thisbe, shout Nick’s cue to return. “As true as truest horse that yet would never tire,” squeaked Francis in a ridiculous falsetto which was not a huge departure from his regular voice.

  Nick rushed into the room and, his voice squeaking like an old wheel, announced, “If I were fair, Thisbe, I were only thine!”

  There was a brief moment of silence before the entire room burst into violent hard laughter. Miles crept out to peek around the corner at the scene. Tears flowed and bellies were clutched as even Peter roared with appreciation.

  Sloan collected himself enough to ask, “Where did you get that? It’s excellent. Let me try it.”

  “Try what?” Nick was visibly confused.

  “The mask, dude,” Peter answered. “Let’s see it.”

  Nick lifted his hand to his face and his eyes grew wide. Turning on his heel, he fled the laughter of his friends and ran back into the hallway.

  Miles ducked behind a corner. As Nick approached, touching his head and letting out a confused-sounding squeal, Miles made the door to Titania’s room gently swing open and directed Nick’s feet to carry him that way.

  Despite the darkness of the room, Nick immediately sensed that it wasn’t a bathroom. India’s small nightlight gave off just enough glow to allow Nick’s eyes to adjust and see that he was in a bedroom. He began his search for a mirror, so that he could see why his friends were laughing at him and why his head felt oddly thick.

  A bowl of abandoned chips distracted him and he decided that a snack would help him think. As he began to work his big lips around the flat disks and pull them into his mouth, he realized too late that they weren’t chips as the taste and smell of perfume filled his nose and mouth. He spat the potpourri onto the rug and a loud bray escaped his lips, startling him. The shock of his own voice gave him such a start that he screamed in horror, but it only came out as another greatly exaggerated bray.

  Nick had been unaware of anyone else in the room until he heard the rustle of linens and a female voice whisper. “What angel wakes me from my bed?”

  The further shock of finding that he wasn’t alone provoked a series of ugly extended donkey snorts and squawks that would have startled anyone. But the woman in the bed only said, “Oh, please, sing again. What a beautiful song.” She reached over and turned on her bedside light. Upon seeing Nick’s ass head, she sighed and extended her arms in beckoning. “Let me look at you, my love.”

  Nick moved closer to the woman in the bed in an effort to identify her. As the truth took shape in his mind, his eyes began to roll back in horror. His head felt heavy and he sat down right where he was on the floor to keep from falling over. He was in Titania’s room. He was completely screwed.

  Titania slipped out of her bed and moved toward him, pulling her nightgown over her head. Soon, she stood before Nick, completely nude and thoroughly fabulous. “I know we haven’t met, but I can’t help knowing that I love you. Isn’t that the strangest thing?”

  Nick’s mind raced so quickly, he thought he would faint. He had never seen a naked woman that he
wasn’t related to, and it was making him feel more intoxicated than he really was. Miles was divorcing Titania, so he was finished with her, and Nick really didn’t mind the idea of sleeping with crazy women.

  “I’m not sure you need to love me, but if that’s what you think is true, then that’s reason enough for me,” he stammered in an effort to sound intelligent, and therefore mature.

  “You are wise as well as beautiful,” Titania purred as she kneeled in front of him and pressed her palm against his fuzzy cheek.

  Nick laughed a little braying laugh. “I was smart enough to go into the wrong room.”

  “And now, you never have to leave my side again. I am a very wealthy woman, and I can give you everything you need. Let’s leave New York. We’ll go to Spain and live on my family’s estate, where servants will bring you whatever you require.”

  “Awesome.” Nick nodded.

  Titania rushed to the door that joined her room with Ana’s and knocked loudly. When Ana answered, Nick saw the surprise on her face at seeing Titania nude. He knew that if Ana saw him there would be screaming and people running to help, and then he would definitely not be sleeping in Titania’s bed. In an effort to conceal his donkey head, he scurried into Titania’s bed and pulled the sheet over his head.

  “This beautiful creature,” he heard Titania tell Ana, “is the true love of my life.” Nick reached one hand out from under the sheet and gave a little wave, but didn’t know whether or not Ana saw it in the dimly lit room. Maybe she would think it was Miles Oberon and not panic. “I would like for you to bring us a bottle of champagne to celebrate our new happiness.” Titania crawled into the bed with Nick and put her arms around him. “And then leave us. We need to rest.”

  Awakened by voices in the living room, Grace left the guest room to investigate. It took her eyes a moment to adjust to the dim light, but when they did, she caught sight of Cam lying on the floor of Ryder’s apartment. Just as she was about to let loose a tremendous scream, Cam leapt across the room to clamp a hand over her mouth. They stood silently for a moment, Grace’s frightened eyes staring into Cam’s guilty ones. Slowly, he lifted his hand from her mouth.

  “Don’t scream. I just came to see you.”

  Grace nodded compliantly and he took his handoff her mouth. She had only known him for a few hours, and here he was, in Ryder’s apartment. He shouldn’t have even known where this place was, much less show up here. She turned around and ran to the sofa where Ryder had been sleeping. He was gone.

  “Where’s Ryder?” Grace hissed at Cam. “What have you done with him?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t mind that he’s gone, but I don’t know where he is.”

  Grace didn’t wait for more explanation. She turned and bolted out the front door of the apartment and down the stairs, two at a time, with Cam in close pursuit. She knew it was silly to run from him. He had longer legs and could have caught her in a minute if he wanted to. The fact that he hadn’t just reached out to grab her showed that he really was just trying to talk to her. Grace didn’t care.

  As she hit the sidewalk, she was barely in time to see a dark figure running down the street, nearly a full block away, with just a glint of bright white moving in front of him. She didn’t fully understand what she was seeing, but sensed that this movement was her best hope of finding Ryder. She could feel Cam hot on her heels as she ran toward the park.

  As Puck watched the unhappy parade down President Street, he chuckled. This was turning out better than he could have hoped. They were all miserable, not one of them would be able to return to normal life this way. Cam and Grace were getting exactly what they had coming to them, and Ryder, well, who really cared about Ryder? Falling for Chloe was probably the classiest thing he ever done.

  Whistling quietly, Puck strolled down the street. He knew they would be easy to find, and if he didn’t, it really wasn’t a problem for him to leave them like this. Deep down, he just really didn’t care if they all wallowed in confused misery forever. He had followed his father’s instructions. Ryder was in love with someone other than Grace. However, Grace was still rejecting Cam. That was a problem. Miles wouldn’t be happy with that part of how things were going, since the goal was to unite Cam and Grace. Life would be so easy if he could just sneak up on Grace and blow some powder into her face, but for some reason, Miles wanted Grace to choose Cam of her own free will. Puck was starting to think that if he heard his father say free will again, he would be ill. After all, he thought, no one is complete control of their own actions. Everyone answers to someone, except maybe Miles.

  If Puck truly wanted his father’s singular approval, he would have to make sure that Cam behaved poorly. In the shakedown of tonight’s amusement, Puck wanted Miles to feel that Cam was the one who failed. It was in his best interest to follow the unhappy lovers and look for an opportunity to make Cam look unreliable.

  These thoughts barely completed themselves in Puck’s mind when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. The Flight of the Valkyries accompanying the vibration was the ring he assigned to his father. Crap, he thought, I need some time. But there was no way to duck the call. He couldn’t pretend he didn’t hear it. Fortunately, Oberon didn’t have a crystal ball that could reveal the current situation. However, he was a smart enough man to deduce that a teenager doesn’t leave home without a fully charged cell phone with the ringer turned on.

  Puck pulled the phone from his pocket. “Hello, Father,” he said.

  “Where are you?” Miles demanded. “What is taking so long?”

  “Things are a little complicated. The Brooklyn boy is in love with Chloe, but I think Grace will need some time to come around to our way of thinking on the Cam detail.”

  Puck could almost hear Miles thinking on the other end of the line. After an extended pause, the patriarch spoke. “I really wanted this dealt with tonight. We’ll need to give it an extra push. Deal with Chloe. If she is crazy about Ryder, the whole situation will resolve itself.”

  “Consider it done,” Puck promised, clicking his phone shut. He had other plans for the lovers and would deal with the fallout later. If Chloe fell for Ryder, then life became too easy for Cam. If Puck dosed Grace, there would be hell to pay. There was only one option left.

  Puck reached the end of President Street and was faced with a six foot cinder block wall. Turning left, he shortly reached a gap in the wall, an entrance that led to a vast park. The limbs of fully matured trees cascaded over the wall. Beyond them, at the bottom of a short sloping sidewalk sprawled a vast field. Illuminated only by occasional street lamps and moonlight, the empty space looked forlorn. Puck stepped into the park and walked a few steps onto the field. A light mist gathered at his heels and he took a moment to enjoy the calm. He closed his eyes and gave himself a moment to clear his head. He needed a plan. If he could locate Cam, he could finish his work for the evening and reap the rewards of his own cleverness. He couldn’t imagine why his father was so eager to concern himself with the romances of children anyway. Miles knew better than anyone the fickle nature of love. It was just reality that for all of the lovers who devoted themselves for life, there were many more whose favor was as changeable as the seasons. This being especially true of the young, Miles’ interest in Grace seemed extraordinary and inexplicable. Whatever relationship he had to the girl that made him think that she and Cam could produce talented offspring must be significant. Puck had received a promise from his father to reveal all at a later date, but in order to ensure that the promise would be kept, he needed to make sure that Miles was angrier at Cam than himself.

  The park was quiet in the dark night, except for the slight chirp of crickets. As Puck scanned the area, he became aware of a familiar shape sitting on a bench and leaning forward, head in his hands. Cam appeared to have given up the chase, something Puck would never do. Puck couldn’t imagine why Cam didn’t just tackle Grace, but the non-magical brother always was one to use a gentler approach. Watching Cam and seeing his predicame
nt stirred the resentment in Puck’s soul. Scanning the ground, his eyes settled on a baseball-sized stone, round enough to be easy to throw with some precision. He would have one chance to make contact, so he focused all of his energy on Cam’s temple. The goal was just to stun him, not to do permanent damage. He had one hand on the bottle of powder in his pocket. He used the other to spin the stone perfectly toward its mark. Cam would only be out for a moment, but a moment was all he needed. He could have just frozen him again, put him in a state of stasis, but this was so much more fun. As the stone made impact and Cam crumpled, Puck approached and released a generous portion of purple powder under Cam’s nose.

  Approaching footsteps, clearly the clicking of absurdly high heels, caught Puck’s attention and sent him back into hiding. He was pleased to see that Chloe was still ahead of Ryder by several paces, though he was quickly closing the gap. As Chloe got nearer to where Cam lay, Ryder was almost close enough to reach out and grab her.

  “Where are you going? Cam isn’t out here.” Ryder sounded jealous. “Please tell me he’s gone off with Grace and left you here for me.”

  “I’m lost, you moron, and I ended up in this ridiculous park running away from you. I can’t find my way out. Why are you chasing me? You’re Grace’s boyfriend, remember?” Chloe turned to face Ryder and leaned down toward him. It was the first time that Puck realized that Chloe was taller than Ryder. She spoke slowly and loudly, as if she were addressing a small child. “Cam’s trying to steal your girlfriend.”

  “I’m Grace’s boyfriend? No, not since I’ve seen you. The only good thing about knowing her is that she led me to you. I hate her. Now I love you.”

  Chloe marched away from him, seemingly oblivious to the fact that she had moved off the path. With her heels sinking into the grass and her hands over her ears, she screeched back at Ryder. “I can’t hear any more of this. What did I do to deserve this day? Do you all think I’m an idiot?” She stopped to look directly into Ryder’s eyes. “Do us all a favor. Keep Grace busy and away from places she doesn’t belong. She loves you, she’ll be happy to leave us alone.”