Finding Home

by Kelley, Aine

  “Okay, sounds like a plan.” She sets out her hand to shake on it.

  “I will get a chance to redeem myself with our redo.” Placing my hand in hers, we shake on it.

  “So, I’ll see you later.” She grabs her muffins and heads back to the house. “I have to deal with Jenny. She’s going to want the scoop about us.”

  “Yeah, she will. But I have a feeling you can handle her.”

  “I can handle her. I’m used to her crazies. But can you handle me?” She pushes me back against the barn wall. “Fair warning, Ben, I’m awake … wide awake. I’ve been asleep for too long. So brace yourself. You and I are going to have a lot of fun.”

  My hands rub my hair frustratingly. “Holy shit, you’re full of surprises, aren’t you?” She grabs my hands to stop me, holding them in place.

  She moves her mouth to my ear and whispers softly to me, “You have no idea.” She takes a tiny nibble on my lobe. “I’m not finished shocking you.” She blows softly. “Bob’s going to be getting a work out tonight, and with the way you kiss me, he won’t have to work too hard. Bye, Ben.”

  Fucking shit, what the hell just happened? I can’t fucking move right now, because the bulge in my pants makes it impossible. This girl makes me come alive. She’s right about being awake, because I feel it, too. I’ve been drifting in and out of sleep for so long, and I’m finally starting to wake up.

  I go about my Friday as I normally do. I go for a run and sit outside at my favorite cafe. I enjoy the laziness of the morning and bask in the quiet. The weather is perfect today—a sunny day with a light breeze. The weather is supposed to hold up through the weekend, perfect for an evening game. Feeling my relaxation set in, I close my eyes and let myself remember the day before Beth died.

  We spent the day shopping in the city for a new couch. She was taking the excursion seriously, and I couldn’t have cared less. She kept poking me in the stomach trying to keep me in line. I kept dragging her over to the mattress section, throwing her down on top of them. She looked at me sternly, but her laughter gave her away. I knew I had her when she pulled me down onto her and kissed me. We never picked out the couch that day. But we sure had fun on those mattresses until we were asked to leave. I allow myself that one memory and stop before thinking about the next day.

  As I sit here and think of her, my sadness is not as strong. It’s a happy memory of us. I miss recalling the happy memories. I only seem to think of the bad ones, and that hasn’t done me any good. I just need to figure out how much I want to remember.

  Is there a time limit on recalling the past, and how do you know when the time’s up? As much as I want Sam, is my time with Beth up? I know Beth’s dead, but there’re so many instances when she feels alive in my memories.

  The constant push and pull going on in my head is like a bad case of motion sickness. I look out to the horizon to help balance me. The mountains are gorgeous, and the sun’s rays shine over the tops of them. Breathing in and out, I try to focus on the good right now. Closing my eyes, I see Sam’s face and hear her laughter. I feel her kisses and the warmth her touch brings me. Balance begins to settle over me, but the clarity is still foggy.

  It’s like a scale. Beth is on one side, and Sam is on the other. Both are fighting to tip it to their favor. I’m not sure how to figure this all out or what it means. All I can see right now is Sam’s face curing the dull ache in my chest. I need to pursue this and let things play out. See which way the scale tips and get back in the game.

  Jenny was relentless. She cornered me in my room the moment I stepped inside. She had a million questions coming at me in rapid fire. I tried to explain to her that I didn’t have a friggin’ clue about what we were feeling. We were taking it slow and would see what happens. She wanted to ask me about the kiss, and then decided against it. Too much of an “ick” factor she called it. That was fine by me. I did not want to share too many details with her. For one thing, that’s her brother and it would be weird. The other thing, the big other thing, is Beth.

  My instincts are screaming at me to not ignore his past and the impact she still has over him. I can see he’s torn one minute and eager the next. His confusion only increases mine, and I don’t know what to do about it. But that nasty little voice in the back of my head whispers for me to tread lightly.

  He may be telling me one thing, and I’m sure on some level, he believes it. Maybe I should just put a stop to this now before I get in too deep. Fuck. Who am I kidding? I want to drown in him. I want to play this out even if I lose. I guess when it comes to love—his love—it’s worth taking the chance and losing than never taking it at all.

  Saturday comes quickly, and Jenny and I drive to the rugby game. I’d been to some games before, but I never really paid much attention to how you play the game. I was more into watching the men beat the crap out of each other. The sweat, mud, and ripped muscles make for fine viewing.

  Ben is out on the field stretching when he notices us. Running over to me, he surprises me with a sweeping hug. “I’m so glad you’re here.” Putting me down, he pecks me on the cheek.

  “I’m glad to be here, too.”

  “I have to get back out there, but I’ll see you after the game.”

  “Okay. Have fun and kick ass!” He chuckles as he runs away from me. I can’t help but admire his fine ass and how they fit in those tiny shorts. I think I like rugby.

  Jenny and I sit in the stands watching the men run and tackle each other up and down the field. The longer I sit there, the hornier I become. One year is far too long. I mean, who can resist all that male testosterone within arm’s reach. I watch as Ben is tossed the ball and his muscular legs race down the field. He puts his arm out to push off the other guys trying to bring him down. Watching his power, force, and graceful movement has my head imaging what his ass and legs feel like. Damn, the thought of my mouth wrapped around his cock right now has me squirming in my seat. Maybe someday …

  Trying to escape my dirty thoughts I focus on the events that have occurred in my life over the past four weeks. A big part is Jenny and her family, but the other life changer is Ben. Funny how one person can change your whole outlook and perspective?

  I chance a peek at Jenny and she seems fixed on the game. Her face is so serious; it’s almost like she’s concentrating hard—too hard—like she’s in pain. I try to follow where her gaze goes, and it seems to be tracking Jack. Hmm … interesting. I’ll file that back for another time.

  “Sam, do you mind if we head out after the game? I’m not feeling that great.”

  “Sure. Are you okay?”

  “I don’t know, just don’t feel good. I’m sorry I’m messing up your plans.”

  I touch her shoulder and give her a slight hug. “I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. We can leave now if you want.”

  “No. The game is almost over, I can wait.”

  “You sure?”

  She gives me a nod before looking down. “We can let Ben know after the game.”

  “Okay. Let me know if you want to leave sooner.” I hold onto her hand while her eyes drift back to the game and right onto Jack’s running figure.

  I told Ben that he doesn’t make me nervous, but why do I feel like a teenager going out on her very first date! I keep pacing the room and throwing my once neat clothes all over. I’ve never been this high maintenance, so what the fuck is wrong with me. I hadn’t realized I yelled that last part until Jenny came to my door and knocked.

  “You okay in there? Do you need some help or just a hug?”

  “Come on in. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing here, Jenny! I mean, I never have felt this maniacal about my clothes for a date.” I rip off the shirt I’m wearing and throw it at her.

  “Hmm, agreed. You usually don’t act this frantic. I get the strange feeling that this isn’t just about clothes. You know if you want to talk, I’m here for you.” She hands me my black lace top with three-quarter sleeves and scoop neck collar. “Here, wear this, it looks g
reat on you.”

  “Thanks.” I put the shirt on and sit down on the bed. “I want to tell you what I’m thinking, but I don’t even know if I can verbalize it.” I gesture to the side table and the frame that lies on the desk. Jenny walks over to it and turns it over. “It’s stupid and silly, I know, but I found it awhile ago and it’s been in the back of my mind. It’s freaking me out. She’s so beautiful and he clearly loves her. What am I doing? How can I even think he might feel that for me? I can’t compete with her, nor do I want to.” The tears can’t help but fall down my face.

  “Hey! Snap out of it! This is not the new Sam talking. This is the old Sam who allowed her thoughts to get the better of her. You are so much better than this.” She sits down next to me on the bed and wraps an arm around me. “I’m not going to lie, Beth was his world, and he loved her with all his heart. More than anything I’ve ever witnessed.” She grabs some tissues from the nightstand. “Sam, look at me.”

  I turn to her while she wipes some tears away. “I’ve seen the pain and sorrow on his face, and since you came into his life, they haven’t been there. I see hope and excitement. He’s smiling, Sam, and it’s not a fake one. Watching you two after the game the other night was amazing. He really likes you. So take a breath, get yourself together, and go have a good time.”

  “But what about Beth?”

  “Isn’t there some saying … sometimes you have to leap before you can jump?”

  Hearing Jenny think about the right saying is always amusing. She tends to mix them up—a lot.

  “Ah, that’s not it. It’s ‘look before you leap,’ and it means to be careful before you do anything!”

  “Whatever, I like my saying better. You can be careful, but just live a little, take a chance. Just leap, sweetie. I suggest you start leaping, and leap big!”

  “I can’t believe it’s Dirty Dancing night! I love this movie. It’s like one of my top ten.”

  Standing next to me, Ben chuckles and gives me a kiss on the cheek. “Well, I’m glad you’re happy. Score one for game date redo!”

  “Score? Is this like a game for you?” I try my best to sound annoyed, and it’s working. He’s shifting side to side and moving his feet off the ground. He looks tortured, and it’s really sweet, but I can’t do that to him. “I’m just joking with you. I’m a player, and trust me when I tell you, that I don’t always play fair. I play to win.”

  “Oh really? Well, I play to win, too. So that’s how I know that this is going to be the best date redo ever!” His fists pump the air.

  “Cocky much?” He takes my hand and leads me into the Italian restaurant. My stomach growls as if on cue from the smells of fresh garlic and spices. “Hungry?” I nod and look around the quaint space. It’s decorated simply with pictures of the local wineries and winemaking items.

  The hostess looks at Ben and smiles, barely acknowledging my presence. He smiles back at her and greets her by name. “Hi Ellen, table for two, please.”

  She leads us over to the table by the window. She purrs her hello and practically shoves her breasts in his face while passing him the menu. My amusement isn’t hard to hide. “Careful there, that flame’s pretty close to your breasts, and I have no idea what happens when implants catch on fire. Do you, Ben?”

  Ben barks out a half laugh, half choking sound while shaking his head no. Ellen walks away in total shock and has no great comeback. “Okay. I have to ask, what’s that about? Ellen’s pretty nice.”

  “Pretty nice for a girl who sticks her boobs in your face while you’re on a date. I couldn’t resist.”

  “I hadn’t noticed. We can go if you want.”

  “No, I’m sorry. I’m fine. Past experiences make it hard for me to keep my mouth shut. Mistakes of my former life and loves have taught me to not let any girl push her way into mine and anyone I’m with.”

  “I guess this is as good a time as any to get to know each other. I know you were involved with some assholes in the past, and it sounds like it still affects you.”

  “I’m trying not to let it, but opening my big fat mouth like that doesn’t help. Let’s talk about my ex later. I don’t want to spoil my appetite.” I hope he’s okay with me not sharing right now. I would really like to get through our date tonight better than how the last one ended.

  “Sure, we can talk later. I’m starving, and I know you’re hungry, so let’s order.” He points to my stomach and laughs.

  Placing my hand over my stomach, I shrug my shoulders. “Yep, you should know I’m not a girl that’s afraid to eat. I love carbs, and fresh bread is my friend.”

  “Ha! I love a woman with a healthy enthusiasm for food. Let’s make sure we get two loaves of their fresh bread then. They serve it with this amazing garlic butter.”

  “Yum. So I take it by Ellen over there, that you eat here a lot.”

  “Kind of. The chef and I go way back. I’ve been gradually luring him to work for me when the expansion happens. So, you’ll have to tell me what you think of the meal. Your opinion means a lot to me, especially since you love to eat.”

  “Oh fun! Can we order a few things and mix and match our food? I love to share, and I never can decide on just one dish to eat.”

  “Sure, that sounds like fun. I have to warn you, though; I’m not very good at sharing. My kindergarten teacher had to call my parents several times because of it.”

  “Well, if you were in my class, you would be partnered up with a buddy who would help teach you how to share.”

  “A buddy, huh? Does that work?”

  “Absolutely! You just have to find the right matches and teach and model how to share. It’s called explicit instruction.”

  “Wow, your whole face just lit up. Have you thought about applying for jobs here?”

  “I’ve been looking into it, but I have to get my license to teach in California. There’s a test and an application process. Besides, I don’t know how long I’ll be here.” I cringe on the last part. I don’t want to assume that I’ll be here forever. His look of hurt doesn’t go unnoticed.

  “Are you thinking you’ll move back to Boston?”

  “I don’t know. My old boss said that some funding might open up, and there could be a job for me when school starts.”

  “I guess that would be good for you. Working at the winery is nice, but obviously you would want to do what you love.” His hand reaches across the table to hold mine. “But I would miss you if you left.”

  “I’d miss you, too.” I graze my thumb over his knuckles. “I would really miss you.” The air around us shifts again, and the pull I feel is even stronger. The thought of leaving him is not a pleasant one. “Maybe I should look into subbing or volunteering at the local elementary school in the fall. That could be a way to get my foot in the door. I could do both things. Work at the winery and help at the school.”

  “That sounds like a good plan. And I could really use some private tutoring that only you can help me with.” His cocky smile returns. “Yeah, I’m going to need private sharing lessons. That whole explicit thing sounds promising. I think you could really help me.” And there goes the wink. Damn him.

  “Lessons in sharing taught explicitly by me? Why Ben, is this your attempt at flirting? ‘Cause, I got to tell you, it’s working.” I lean my body toward him. “I should warn you, I take my work very seriously, and my lessons are extremely thorough. I’ll always tell you what I want and how to do it.” I place my free hand at my neck and move it slowly down to my breast and pause for effect. His eyes go wide as he shifts in his seat. I love fucking with him. “Sharing, Ben. I’m talking about sharing. What do you think I’m talking about?” I continue moving my hand down my stomach and place it back on the table.

  “Fuck! You’re torturing me. You know that, right? A lovely yet painful torture.” He starts to rub his neck. “I have to say, you certainly make things interesting.”

  “You’re an easy target sometimes. Hasn’t anyone screwed around with you?” The bread arrives
just in time, and I dive into it.

  “Well, mostly the guys do, but having a girl give me shit is even better. You keep me on my toes. It’s nice. This is fun, and I like having fun with you.”

  I reach for more bread and notice that I’ve devoured pretty much the entire thing. “Told you I like bread! Sorry, did you want some?”

  “No, I’m good. I like watching you eat, though. You really like to eat.”

  “You totally realize you opened the door wide for that one.” I shove more of the buttery garlic goodness in my mouth.

  “Look who’s got the dirty mind now. I’m talking about food. What else would I be talking about?”

  “Ben, I think you and I are going to have fun tonight. This has been a great redo so far. Thanks for taking me out again. And in case I forget to tell you later tonight, I had a great time.” His eyes turn a soft shade of bluish gray; they look warm and inviting.

  “I’m glad you had a good time. And just in case I forget to tell you later, I had a great time tonight, and your goodnight kiss is nothing short of spectacular.” His lips turn upward into that arrogant grin he does so well. It makes me want to smack him.

  I lick my lips slowly and watch his eyes dart to my mouth. “I knew you enjoyed it, the moan you made when I sucked your tongue in my mouth was very hot.”

  “Sam, you’re doing it again. Keep this up and I won’t be able to get up from the table to take you to the movie. “His voice is a low rumble.

  “Okay, okay. I’ll be on the straight and narrow for the rest of the night. Tongue sucking optional with our goodnight kiss.”

  Ben and I keep up the light and silly banter throughout the most scrumptious dinner. We talk more about my love for teaching, and he tells me about the restaurant he wants to open. He’s so passionate about it, and his face lights up. I really hope it all works out for him. He’s so easy to talk to, and the relaxation I feel is way out of the norm for me. After my dessert of chocolate cake, we fall into what I like to call a chocolate coma. The silence is pleasant and peaceful. However, when I look at Ben’s face I notice that with his calmness there’s also tension there. Is it sexual or something else? I can’t help but wonder what’s coming next.