Mistakes of My Past

by Emily James

  * * *

  Will makes waffles for him and Roxy, while I wonder how I’m going to suggest that they leave. They both look too comfortable around the island, sipping on their coffees.

  “Hey, Amber, you want to go see a film at the cinema today?” Roxy asks me.

  “Actually, I was going to just hang here and have a duvet day. I think my body is punishing me for last night’s antics,” I reply, offering her a small smile.

  “You can just say if you want to hang out with Will, I won’t throw a hissy fit.” Roxy rolls her eyes.

  “No, it’s not that, I just need to deal with some paperwork and stuff. I’ll call you later, though. You guys would just be bored hanging here.”

  Roxy jumps up from her chair excited. “You’re finally going to do it? You’re going to serve the eviction on that evil piece of shit?” She’s smiling her head off.

  Will angles his head questioningly.

  I eye Roxy with contempt, my head still thumps and I really did not want to discuss this in front of Will.

  “No, I was going to check out the university website and look at some courses. Dad’s back next weekend and I want to be able to give him some good news.”

  “Is that the ‘evil piece of shit’ Tommy?” Will asks me, his eyes burn with curiosity.

  “Yes,” Roxy says at the same time as I say, “No.”

  “Well, which is it?” he asks.

  “Tell him,” Roxy orders, her skin is grey from the night before and she looks pissed at me.

  “I don’t want to. Roxy, stay out of it,” I huff, “It’s none of his business. Or yours, for that matter.”

  It’s one of those moments where you’ve spat a retort with little thought and it’s too late to take it back. Will shifts in his seat, his feelings are hurt.

  “Well, fuck this shit, Amber.” Roxy stands throwing her arms in the air. “You are a doormat. A fucking beige doormat!” She brings out her scary eyes and I straighten in my chair ready to rebuff her comments. Will’s hand creeps across the island to hold mine. I’m too tense to be warmed by his kindness. So I move my hands out of reach.

  “Maybe we can help. Whatever’s gone on back in England, we can take you to the police, or to a lawyer?” Will’s eyes still burn with kindness, but I can’t stand the heat of his glare.

  “NO! I don’t want the police or a lawyer. I want you both to go. I’m headed up to get changed and then I’m taking Flo out. Just let yourselves out, please,” I say and storm out the room.

  Roxy hollers after me, “That’s it, run away; after all, you’re so good at it!”

  I don’t answer her. Instead, I hover at the top of the stairs and listen to Will ask Roxy if I’m okay, if I’m safe. Roxy tells him I’d be fine if I grew a backbone, and that she’s sorting this out once and for all, whatever that means.

  When they've both left, I sneak back downstairs, put on my pumps, and go get Flo. Maybe it’ll clear my head and sweat out the alcohol. When I get downstairs, I see that Roxy has left me a message in her usual red lipstick on the cupboard door, two words of truth that sum up my shitty behaviour today: YOU SUCK!

  I pull out my phone and text her: You suck too. Stay out of my business, please.

  Her reply is instant: Please??? Grow a backbone!

  I don’t reply. How can I when I know that she’s right. Instead, I text Will, to apologise for throwing him out, when he doesn’t reply, I know I’ve blown it.

  Chapter 19

  Will

  Since my dismissal by Amber, I’ve paced, stubbed my toe twice on the damned kitchen table, and got pissed with Pete for butt dialling me by accident.

  Damn woman, why won’t she open up to me? Now I’m just left imagining the worst and its making me want to fly to England and punch seven bells of shit out of the first guy I come across called Tommy.

  I sit at the kitchen table and drink a coffee because it’s too early to open a beer. Cody’s school book and pens are in front of me and I tear a sheet out and start doodling. What happened to her that’s so terrible that she tortures herself so badly?

  I start writing a list of what I do know, in order to try figure out the blanks:

  1 – Her mom died.

  2 – She has a shitty ex. He beat her? The scar on her wrist, could he have done that?

  3 – She has no money, which is fine, but Patrick always insinuated Amber’s mom was wealthy. Surely Amber would have inherited that as an only child. But Roxy insinuated that she needed to do something about it?

  4 – Maybe she’s just not in to me and thinks I’m pushing her?

  Number two jars in my head like a blade, and I screw up the list. I’m sure Amber likes me because when she relaxes it’s so natural. I wish I could get inside her head.

  I start Googling how to get people to trust you. It’s lame, but I need some help here. I’m just a dumb guy who’s in love with a girl.

  The thought takes me by surprise and I jump and drop my phone when it rings.

  “Will, it’s Sophie, the baby is on its way and I can’t get hold of Doug on the phone. Awww- Will, I need your help, I need to get to the hospital, NOW… What? No, I’m not going without him. I need Doug. No-aa-ow!”

  At that moment, Cody walks in, back from her sleepover. She can tell from my face that something is up, and she looks at me with concern.

  I tell Sophie I will find Doug, to hang on, like that’s even a thing pregnant women can do. I have a feeling he’s probably over on West Street pricing up a new job.

  I try to persuade Cody to go back across to Mrs Stevens until I find Doug, but she can’t because Mrs Stevens just took Megan out to the mall.

  “I’ll just go across to Amber’s,” she says.

  I look at her, unsure, but I’m pretty desperate and worried about the safety of Doug and Sophie’s baby if she doesn’t get to the hospital quick.

  “Okay, grab your bag in case you have to stay the night,” I tell her.

  Cody must sense the urgency because she runs ahead of me, but pauses when she gets to Amber’s back door.

  I can see Amber in the kitchen through the window of the door. She’s not alone and I didn’t call ahead to tell her I was coming, so she’s not expecting us. She’s backed into the corner of the kitchen unit. Jed has his arms either side of her, but her face is obscured by his fat head.

  The gesture looks intimate and I wonder what the hell that jerk thinks he’s doing.

  To hell with it! I open the door and let myself in, leaving Cody blocked behind me. Amber balks at the intrusion and swoops under his arm. She looks flushed and surprised to see us.

  Jed meets my glare with a look that I’d love to smash clean off his face.

  “It’s usually polite to knock before letting yourself into someone else’s home, Will. That could be seen as a felony.” Jed chews gum as he talks. Dude could do with whitening his teeth, they’re practically mahogany.

  “It’s okay. Come in guys, can I make you a coffee? I have some biscuits. Cody come take a seat, Jed was just leaving,” Amber says and gestures for Cody to sit the opposite end of the island, away from Jed.

  “Actually, we need your help.” I explain about Sophie and ask Amber if she can go over and stay with her. Insisting that she must take Sophie straight to Saint Mary’s if needed, while I find Doug. She agrees instantly and grabs her keys. We all pause by the door waiting for Jed, who looks like he’s in no hurry to leave, as he rubs at a lipstick mark on the cupboard.

  “I can drop Fl—I mean Gizmo back later, if you need to go out, she’s quite comfortable here,” Amber stutters, her accent stilted English. I usually find her accent cute, but she sounds strained.

  “Time you were leaving, Jed. Amber’s coming with us,” I tell him, since he doesn’t appear to be getting the message.

  Jed ignores me and stares at Amber. She looks uncomfortable with his glare.

  “Nah, I’m going to take the mutt with me, but you can always come over for her later. Like I said my door’s a
lways open,” Jed says to Amber.

  Jed turns to face me, stretching as he tries to stand taller. He's shorter than I am, but the act annoys me, so I stand a bit taller too and his face hardens. Yeah fuck you, too, I yell with my eyes, not that I’ve got time for this shit, but this guy is really starting to get on my last nerve.

  Amber clears her throat and glares at us both. “Right, if you two have finished your pissing contest, Cody and I are leaving. Will, call me when you find Doug. I’ll let you know if we head to the hospital.” She jangles her keys and opens the door, we all follow single file. Jed’s the last to walk out the door.

  Amber pauses to lock the door and Jed hangs back. “I’ll be seeing you real soon, darling,” he says to her, his hand reaching for her face. I jolt forward and knock him away from her. “Oops sorry, lost my footing there. You ready, Amber?” I ask her and glare at Jed.

  “Yep, all set. Goodbye, guys. Will, I’ll call you once I’m at Sophie’s.” Amber leans down to stroke Flo goodbye and then hurries to her car with Cody. I watch them get in and pull away.

  Jed tugs and pulls at Flo as he watches them leave, too. I don’t bother saying goodbye. I turn to head back towards my place to get my truck.

  “You know I already fucked her right? But by all means, you can go for the sloppy seconds,” Jed hollers after me.

  I turn and I’m in his face ready to knock him into next week, when he smiles and says, “You wouldn’t want to hit a police officer. That’d get that little kid of yours put straight in care, while you get your ass thrown in jail.”

  My teeth clamp down so hard my jaw feels like it’s about to break. “You’re not the only one. Screamed my name real hard, surprised you didn’t hear it with all your stalking.” I glare at the scum-fuck. “Yeah – I’ve seen you, Ned. Maybe you’re the one who should be in jail.” I turn and stride away, my fists clenched.

  I know I shouldn't have risen to the asshole’s jibes but maybe now I’ve confirmed she’s taken he’ll back off and steer clear of my girl.

  * * *

  “I’ve got Doug. He left the job to go the hardware store and I’m on my way there now,” I tell Amber. She hushes her voice to tell me she’s worried. Sophie’s doubled over, but refuses to leave for the hospital, and she won’t allow the paramedics to be called in case they’re able to make her leave without Doug being there. Finally Amber is able to reassure Sophie that we found him, and we agree to meet at the hospital.

  We break every speed limit the whole way there. Doug’s pale and his usual cocky demeanour has evaporated.

  “She’ll be okay man, we’ll make it in time,” I try to reassure him but from the noises Sophie was making I’m not sure my fake confidence carries in my voice.

  We arrive at Saint Mary’s and follow the signs to maternity. I spot Cody sitting outside one of the rooms and after she confirms it’s the right room, Doug enters.

  “Sophie’s in a real bad way,” Cody tells me as she reaches her arms around my waist.

  I want to say that she’ll be okay but I have no idea if she will, so I just hold her. I look up and see Amber standing in front of the nurse’s station, watching the doctors and nurses dashing in and out. Her eyes glisten and there’s blood on the sleeve of her white shirt.

  I pull Cody to her, and sandwich them both in a hug.

  “You okay?” I ask Amber. She can’t talk but her eyes convey a world of pain.

  “They’re taking her down to theatre, the baby, her heartbeat is weak.”

  We sit and wait on the hard-plastic chairs for hours. I offer them both food, water, small talk, but none of us are hungry and we’re too preoccupied to talk. When the nurse finally comes, she tells us that beautiful baby Gina was born, weighing in at a whopping twelve pounds, and mother and daughter are both doing well.

  All the emotions we’d been harbouring break free. Cody yells and high fives the nurse, Amber lets out a sob of happiness and I choke back my own tears, in the manliest way I can, but fuck, we are all so fricking happy.

  * * *

  Cody’s fast asleep when I pull into the driveway and I carry her straight to bed. I’m too pumped for sleep, so I open a beer and pull out my phone to text Amber: Don’t know about you but I could use a beer, want to come over and wet baby Gina’s head?

  She replies instantly: I’m on my way.

  I quickly finger brush my teeth and watch Amber cross the fence between our properties.

  I open the back door, before she gets to it, and let her in. It’s still freezing out and the sky is black but against the dark backdrop Amber’s skin has an angel like glow.

  “Some night, huh?” I ask as she walks in and I hand her a beer.

  She takes a slug, slides out of her coat and sits down at the table. “I never imagined it could be like that. Doug’s face when he got there. I thought Sophie’s expression was pained, but Doug's was broken. They sure do love one another.”

  I take the seat beside her, needing to be close to her. “Yeah, they’ve pretty much always been that way. They can’t stand to be apart, they’re a team.”

  “Do you think that’s how real love is, how it should look?” She’s looking down at her beer bottle, pulling at the label.

  “I think that’s how it should be. You should care enough to feel their pain and want to do everything in your power to ease any suffering.”

  “I never had that. Tommy didn’t feel my pain when my mum was sick. He said I enjoyed the attention, that it’d be better once she was gone because she took up too much of my time.”

  Amber’s small sigh pulls at my heart and I take the hand that’s on her bottle, and wait for her to continue.

  “Being at the hospital, and being so powerless, it just brought it all back.” She wipes at her eyes with her free hand, and without thinking I pull her onto my lap and wrap my arms around her. I stroke her hair so I have a side view of her face as she gazes out the window, looking at nothing in particular.

  My head angles to rest gently against Amber’s and I murmur the thoughts as they enter my head, “Tommy sounds like a dick. I wish I could have been there for you when you were going through this, I wish I could have supported you.” The words flow easily, but they are heavy with truth. “You should never have been treated like that. You deserve someone that will take care of you, love you.”

  My last words break as I say them, but I harbour no regret. I know I could easily love this beautiful woman if she’d let me.

  Amber’s head slowly turns and we angle ourselves to allow our lips to meet. It’s a slow and deep kiss. I don’t know if it’s the emotions brought on by the events of today, or Amber opening up to me, but I suddenly feel the need to connect with her as deeply as I can. I need to feel every inch of her body in my arms and even then, I want more of her. I gently move her across my lap so that I can appreciate her warmth, and hold her tight as we continue to explore one another.

  Amber responds by moving her hands up, under my shirt. Her hands graze up my abdomen, all the way to where she grabs my shoulders. My hands rest on her waist as she moves her leg to straddle me on the chair. She lets out a small moan. It’s the hottest moan I’ve ever heard, but still, I don’t rush.

  I relish every touch as she grazes my neck with her lips, and explores my body with her inquiring hands and mouth. When she flicks her hair over her shoulder and meets my gaze, I know I’m about to lose control. My thumbs lower to meet the waistband of her jeans and lift her to sit on the table, her legs hooking behind my waist. We continue to kiss in the slowest dance ever. I savour every taste. Something this beautiful cannot possibly be able to last.

  The thought is a jolt to my lustful thoughts and I slow things down. I turn my lips to her neck as she arches her back and elongates her neck, giving me access. I finally stop and hold Amber’s jaw, stroking the skin beneath it. Her eyes are bright and she’s gazing at me with hungry eyes. It brings a smile to my lips as I realise that she wants me too but I know I need to go slow.

  �
��You have no idea the effect you are having on me. If we continue, I’m not sure I’ll be able to stop,” I tell her, giving her fair warning.

  Amber looks down at my groin and bites her lip. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have straddled you. It’s not like me, to um - you know, straddle guys,” she giggles and flushes slightly.

  “I think you should, you know, definitely do that more often. To me, just me, but I’m willing to help out, any time you want to practice, you just let me know. I’m absolutely happy to be of service.”

  “I’ll certainly bear that in mind,” she giggles again. I just stand there looking at her bashful smile.

  “You want another beer? I could find a movie for us to watch.” I’m too keen, but she doesn’t seem to mind as I stand back and pull her to her feet.

  Amber’s phone chimes and she lifts it out of her pocket. I watch her eyes as they dart from left to right. Her hand brings the phone down but then she changes her mind and reads the message again, her eyes darken, and she takes a step back.

  “Will, did you tell Jed that I slept with you?” she asks and a hurt look clouds her eyes as she waits for my answer. The easiness of a few moments ago already feels a lifetime away.

  “Amber, it wasn’t like that. He said he already slept with you. I was just trying to shut him up. It was stupid, I…”

  Amber interrupts me and holds her palm out to me. “So you used me to go one up on Jed? He said you told him I was an easy fuck, is that what I am to you?” Her eyes glisten and she turns and starts to put her coat on.

  “Amber, I don’t think that. How did he even get your number? He’s always out the front of his house, staring at your place. He gives me the creeps. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry.” I babble, Amber pulls up the zip of her coat and stares pointedly at me.

  “How did he get my number?” she says harshly, as she wipes at her eyes, “I don’t know, Will, maybe it was listed on Easy-Fucks-Are-Us. Maybe you should look up someone else on there since you clearly think so little of me.”