Book Read Free

How to Be a Person

Page 1

by Lindy West




  Copyright © 2012 by Lindy West, Dan Savage, Christopher Frizzelle, and Bethany Jean Clement

  All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced or utilized in any form, or by any electronic, mechanical, or other means, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

  Published by Sasquatch Books

  Cover design, interior design, illustrations, and composition by Corianton Hale

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

  eISBN: 978-1-57061-835-2

  Sasquatch Books

  1904 Third Avenue, Suite 710

  Seattle, WA 98101

  (206) 467-4300

  www.sasquatchbooks.com

  custserv@sasquatchbooks.com

  v3.1

  CONTENTS

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  PREFACE

  INTRODUCTION

  Just Calm Down, Don’t Freak Out, All Kinds of Things Are About to Happen to You

  1. WHAT NO ONE ELSE WILL TELL YOU ABOUT COLLEGE

  How to Get Along With People Who Are Different from You

  How to Get Along With Roommates Who Are Different from You

  On Making Friends

  A Few Majors That You Should Not Major In

  Everything There Is to Know About Whatever Major You Choose (Or, Who Needs Classes?)

  Physics

  Art

  Psychology

  Computer Science

  Theater

  Biology

  Chemistry

  Classical Music

  Literature

  Economics

  Journalism

  History

  Philosophy

  What No One Else Will Tell You About Dropping Out

  2. A GUIDE TO AMERICA

  The Pacific Northwest

  The Midwest

  California

  The Southwest

  The South

  The Northeast

  The Mountains

  Alaska

  Hawaii

  3. WHAT NO ONE ELSE WILL TELL YOU ABOUT SEX AND DATING

  How to Get With a Girl If You Are a Boy

  How to Get With a Boy If You Are a Girl

  How to Get With a Gay/Lesbian If You Are a Gay/Lesbian

  How to Get With a Bi/Trans/Differently Sexual Person If You Are a Bi/Trans/Differently Sexual Person

  How to Turn a Crush Into Something More

  How to Ask Someone Out

  How to Take Someone on a Romantic Date

  How to Kiss

  How to Successfully Put Your Parts in or on Another Person

  Different Sexual Positions You Need to Try in College

  How to Have a One-Night Stand

  How to Have Casual Sex

  How to Be in a Relationship

  Honesty Actually Is the Best Policy

  Cover Your Junk! How to Not Impregnate an Individual or Get Impregnated Yourself, and, Also Very Importantly, Not Get a Sexually Transmitted Infection (Because You Really Don’t Want That)

  A Little More About STIs

  How to Break Up With Someone

  How to Get an Abortion

  A Note on Polyamory

  4. HOW TO BE GAY

  What to Do If All Your Life You Have Secretly Wanted to Have Sex With Someone With the Same Private Parts as You

  A Note About Anti-Gay Bigots

  How to Come Out of the Closet

  Where to Go to College If You’re Gay

  The History of Gay People in a Few Paragraphs

  On Gay People Sleeping With Straight People

  How to Have Sex With a Man If You’re a Man

  How to Have Oral Sex

  How to Have Anal Sex

  How to Have Sex With a Woman If You’re a Woman

  5. HOW TO SLEEP WITH YOUR PROFESSOR

  6. SAVAGE LOVE, COLLEGE EDITION

  So I Have This Roommate

  So I Have This Religion

  So I Just Discovered Anal Sex

  So I’ve Been Thinking About Polyamory

  So I Have These Parents

  So I Have This Kink

  So I’m in This Relationship and Something About the Sex Just Isn’t Right

  So I Think I Just Cheated

  So I Think I Just Got Raped

  So I Think I’m Pregnant

  So I Think I’m Trans

  So I’m a Virgin—Or My Partner Is

  7. WHAT NO ONE ELSE WILL TELL YOU ABOUT DRINKING

  How to Deal With a Hangover

  How to Binge Drink

  Handy Synonyms for Being Drunk

  On Vomiting

  Handy Synonyms for Vomiting

  How to Get Roofied and Still Have a Good Time

  How to Drink Like an Adult

  On Drinking and Driving

  Beer: It’s All Good

  Wine: What the Hell’s the Deal?

  Why Do the Drinks at This Bar Cost So Goddamn Much?

  8. WHAT NO ONE ELSE WILL TELL YOU ABOUT DRUGS

  Don’t Do Drugs! Okay? Seriously! Ever

  Marijuana

  Cocaine

  Methamphetamine

  Ecstasy

  LSD

  Mushrooms

  Heroin

  A Note That Could Save Your or a Friend’s Life

  A Final Word About Drugs

  9. A FEW WORDS ABOUT MANNERS

  A Few of the Basics

  How to Have a Conversation

  How to Take a Compliment

  How to Be a Guest at a Party

  How to Host a Party

  On Toilets

  10. HOW TO DO LAUNDRY

  How to Actually Do Laundry

  11. WHAT NO ONE ELSE WILL TELL YOU ABOUT FOOD

  How to (Not) Be a Foodie

  So You’re a Vegetarian!

  A Really Easy, Really Pretty, Really Good Soup You Can Make With a Butternut Squash

  How to Make Tacos

  How to Make Very Tasty Pasta

  How to Make the World’s Best Macaroni and Cheese (With a Monogram on It!)

  How to Make an Impressive Entire Roasted Chicken

  Make Your Own Coffee!

  Organic Food: WTF?

  12. WHAT NO ONE ELSE WILL TELL YOU ABOUT MUSIC, BOOKS, AND ART

  How to Be Into Music Without Annoying Everyone

  What the Albums in Your Dorm Room Say About You

  What the Art Posters in Your Dorm Room Say About You

  Everything You Need to Know to Successfully Flirt With a Film Nerd

  Spoiler Alerts for the Big Novels So You Can Flirt With English Nerds as If You’ve Already Read Them

  Books You Should Avoid

  13. WHAT NO ONE ELSE WILL TELL YOU ABOUT POLITICS

  Getting Started

  How to Know If You’re a Republican or a Democrat

  Take It Easy on Tattooing Yourself in Your Beliefs

  When It’s Okay to Yell at Someone About Politics

  What No One Else Will Tell You About Feminism

  Guess What? You Are a Feminist

  First-Wave Feminism: Maybe We Could Be Citizens Now?

  Second-Wave Feminism: Maybe You Could Stop Raping Us, Please?

  Third-Wave Feminism: Maybe I Like Rape! Shut Up! Maybe I Don’t! Shut Up!

  Postfeminism: Sexism Is Dead! Long Live Sexism!

  Stop Victim-Blaming!

  Stop Slut-Shaming!

  Gender Is a Social Construct: What ARE You!?

  Women Do Not Exist for the Purposes of Your Boner

  Male Privilege: It Is Real, and It Is Totally Bogus

  A Final Note: Yes, Indeed!

  14. SOME FINANCIAL ADVICE COURTESY OF THE BIBLE

  Eschew Credit Cards
/>   Get Thee Unto a Credit Union

  The Bible Further Suggests That You Get a Job

  Jesus Christ on a Bicycle, Don’t Buy a Car

  The Golden Rule and Beer

  15. HOW TO USE A COMPUTER

  Things the Internet Is Good For (Now)

  Things the Internet Is Not Good For (Yet)

  Trolls Be Trollin’

  How to Twitter

  How NOT to Facebook

  Sexy, Sexy Pornos!!!

  SHOW ME YER BOOBZ

  How to Un-Spam Thyself

  How to Date People Inside Your Computer and Not Get Murdered

  16. HOW TO WRITE GOOD

  Three Great Sentences and What Makes Them Great

  What Not to Do

  Don’t Use Clichés

  Don’t Waste Time

  Don’t Overwrite

  Don’t Use First Person Unless You Have To

  How to Write a College Paper

  How to Write a Cover Letter

  How to Write Poetry

  17. WHAT NO ONE ELSE WILL TELL YOU ABOUT HEARTBREAK AND DEATH

  How to Get Over a Broken Heart

  When Someone You Love Dies

  On Suicide

  APPENDIX A. WHAT NO ONE ELSE WILL TELL YOU ABOUT WORKING IN RESTAURANTS

  What It’s Like Working for a Mom-and-Pop Bakery

  What It’s Like Working for a Chain Restaurant

  What It’s Like Working for a High-End Restaurant in London

  What It’s Like Working as a Restaurant Janitor

  What It’s Like Working as a Barista, an Incompetent Waitress, a Barely Competent Cook, and at a Shady Café

  APPENDIX B. THE DIFFERENT KINDS OF PEOPLE THAT THERE ARE

  People Who Choose to Correct You About the Definition of “Hobo”

  People Who Are Mean to Hoboes

  People Who Still Have Jobs

  People Who Are Quietly Less Than $100 Away from Complete Destitution

  People Who Secretly Have Vast Family Fortunes/Trust Funds to Keep Them from Ever Knowing Complete Destitution, or Even Mild Hardship

  People Who Claim to Be Afraid of Clowns

  People Who Don’t Watch TV

  People Who Will Just Have a Bite of Whatever You’re Having

  People Who Studied Abroad in a Third-World Country

  People Who Are into Whimsy

  People Who Are White Who Call Black People “Brothas” When Talking to Other White People, as in, “A Lot of My Friends Are Brothas”

  People Who Are Old

  Old People Who Think Pigeons Are Their Best Friends

  Babies

  People Who Are Secret Hookers

  Recession Hookers

  People Who Are Pretty and Smart and Funny and Nice

  People Who Are Hot Greek Waiters

  People Who Smile at You on the Street

  People Who Don’t Know How to Drink

  People Who Are Only Interesting When They’re Drunk

  People Who Believe in Sasquatch

  People Who Don’t Believe in Evolution but Love Antibiotics

  Wizards

  Russians

  Russian Wizards

  People Who Let Their Cat Walk Across Their Kitchen Cutting Board, Even Though Those Are the Same Fucking Paws That Have Been Tramping Around That Shit-Filled Cat Box and I Don’t See a Kitty Foot-Washing Station Around Here, Do You?

  People Who Don’t Know How to Navigate a Four-Way Stop or an Uncontrolled Intersection

  Animals That Are Really People Who Got Transformed by a Witch

  People Who Think “Hipsters” Are a Thing

  People Who Are Just a Down-to-Earth Guy, Who Enjoys the Little Things in Life Like Going for Walks, Lifting Weights, or Just Doing Whatever (LOL), Whose Friends Would Probably Describe Him as Honest, Truthful, Loyal, Affectionate, Compassionate, and Romanceful, and Is Looking for a Woman Who Is That Rare Combination of Stunning on the Outside and Beautiful on the Inside, and Most Importantly Down-to-Earth, Enjoys the Little Things in Life, Loves Children, Animals, Has a Passion, Laughter. I Especially Like Asians

  People Who Try to Pretend Like They Already Knew the Story About Jimmy Stewart Smuggling a Yeti Hand out of Nepal in His Wife’s Underpants

  People Who Say, “Whole Foods? More Like Whole Paycheck!”

  People Who Just Threw Up in Their Mouth a Little

  Women

  American People of Irish Descent

  People Who Are Bill Paxton

  People Who Miss the Point

  People Who Don’t Miss the Point

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  About the Authors

  PREFACE

  Every year, The Stranger, Seattle’s only newspaper, puts out an issue of advice for college students—all the things you need to know about life that everyone else “forgot” to tell you.

 

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