How to Be a Person

by Lindy West

  I’M 21, FEMALE, AND PRETTY EXPERIENCED. The guy I’m dating now is 23 and a virgin. I’d really like to avoid some of the awkwardness that I’m sure is going to arise, seeing as I’m his first. (And has arisen—the first time we attempted to do the deed, he was so nervous he couldn’t stay hard; he also thought he was “in” when, in reality, he was humping my leg.) I’m at a loss. Obviously this is going to take a lot of communication in the moment; aside from that, do you have any advice for how to make this less awkward for both of us?

  First Isn’t Really Sexy Time

  Mess around a few times—at least a half a dozen times—with vaginal penetration off the menu, ratcheting down the performance anxiety for your boy. Once he’s seen that, yes, his dick does work—yes we can get hard, yes we can stay hard, yes we can blow a load with a woman in the room—then you can move on to vaginal intercourse. And take control, FIRST: Tell him—as sexily as possible—what you’re going to do before you get started, tell him what you’re doing while you’re doing it, and then you can tell him when he’s “in” instead of letting him guess.

  And, finally, a little required reading for the virgins out there and the people who are about to fuck some sense into them: The Virgin Project. Illustrators K. D. Boze and Stasia Kato interviewed all sorts of people—gay, straight, bi; young, old, ancient—about their loss-of-virginity experiences. The illustrated stories in The Virgin Project are moving, hilarious, and heartbreaking in turn—sometimes all three at once—and knowing that everyone’s first time is awkward, and that some folks’ first times are unpleasant, and that most of us survive them, might be good for your virgin, FIRST. It couldn’t hurt you to be reminded of those things, either.

  I’M 19 YEARS OLD AND GAY AND A VIRGIN. Now I’ve met a guy I kind of like. He’s hot, great body. He wanted to fuck me, to be my first, the night we met, but I’m not sure I want to have anal sex. He insisted that we didn’t need to use a condom, since I’m a virgin and he’s “clean,” and got kind of upset when I tried to say no. I’m going to see him again, and I don’t think I’ll be able to make the same excuse again. (I told him I wasn’t feeling “empty” enough to do it that night.) What do I say to get him to use condoms? I don’t want to drive him off, because he’s really hot. But I don’t want to be unsafe or get HIV or even have anal sex right now.

  Just Out Newbie

  I’ve covered this issue before, JON—but, gee, the last time I answered a letter from a gay kid in your situation was, um, when you were 12. But the advice I gave Bright Kid, Big City back then still applies now, so here it goes:

  Look, JON, any faggot who wants to fuck you in the ass without a condom is the LAST PERSON ON EARTH you should be having sex with—anal or otherwise, condoms or no condoms. Guys who pressure you into having sex without condoms are having or have had unsafe sex with other people, which means that they’re either infected already or will be shortly. If you don’t want to get infected, your best course of action when a guy pressures you into having sex without condoms—or any kind of sex you’re not comfortable with—is to pull up your pants and leave.

  And since you’re not particularly interested in anal sex right now, JON, I’d urge you to tell the guys you do go home with that you’re just not up for getting fucked. An aversion to anal sex when you’re young and just out and easily manipulated is something you should hold on to, JON, even cultivate. Skipping anal sex during your great-big-slut, just-coming-out, making-your-mistakes phase will greatly reduce your risk of contracting HIV and a host of other STIs. Then one day, with luck, you’ll meet a nice, decent guy, also hot, who wants to take things slow—a guy who isn’t a manipulative, selfish, barebacking piece of shit. And when you meet that guy, JON, you can explore anal with someone who cares about you enough to take it slow and wear condoms.

  Anal sex, despite the impression created by HIV “prevention” materials you may have encountered, should not be a first-date activity. Reserve your asshole for guys you’re serious about, JON, and for guys who are serious about you. The hot motherfucker you’re seeing right now isn’t worthy. Walk away.

  I AM A STRAIGHT, 18-YEAR-OLD GIRL and a college freshman. A couple of months ago, I lost my virginity to my first serious boyfriend, and since then we’ve been having sex several times a day. Apparently we have been a bit too enthusiastic, because my boyfriend received a note from his downstairs neighbors. In crass and abusive language, they told us to keep it down. I was mortified. Post-note, I’ve been tense and nervous during sex, more focused on listening for the neighbors than enjoying the act. This is upsetting me terribly, and I don’t know how to make it better. Even if we are both silent, the bed inevitably squeaks and thumps. There is really nowhere else on campus for us to go (I have three roommates who don’t get out much). What should I do? I am so depressed by this situation.

  Loud And Clear

  Go buy the original Broadway cast recording of Avenue Q. The next time you have sex, blast “You Can Be as Loud as the Hell You Want (When You’re Makin’ Love)” at top volume. When the neighbors complain about the music, tell them that they can listen to show tunes or put up with the noise you guys make when you have sex—their pick.

  7. WHAT NO ONE ELSE WILL TELL YOU ABOUT DRINKING

  BY BETHANY JEAN CLEMENT

  Since the first velociraptor ate the first fermented prehistoric cherry-things, creatures have taken pleasure in intoxication by way of beautiful, beautiful alcohol. That being said, it’s true that all things should be enjoyed in moderation—including moderation, which means that from time to time, you’ll want to get properly drunk. Very good! Let’s just don’t be too stupid about it. Onward!

  How to Deal With a Hangover

  You poor thing! Here, take these Advil and drink some water. Go back to bed or watch a soothing movie. Drink some more water; you’re dehydrated. When you’re ready, locate some bland, preferably greasy food and eat it.

  You still feel like total hell exhumed from a place worse than death and oh my god your head and why isn’t there such a thing as a tongue transplant and WHY DID YOU SAY THAT ONE THING if in fact you can even remember that one thing you said? Take it easy; everybody’s been there. The bad news, aside from your crushing hangover, is that you’re just going to have to wait your crushing hangover out.

  People have sought relief from the aftereffects of overindulgence in our friend alcohol since the first caveman made some prison-style brew, and no one’s found anything truly efficacious yet. Some swear by the spicy Mexican soup menudo, or pho with lots of sriracha hot sauce in it, but they’re just as likely to irritate your already very irritated stomach. Sports drinks and vitamins might help a little, or that might just be placebo effect. If you’d thought about it last night, you could’ve alternated one alcoholic drink with one water all night, which does work, but probably only by slowing you down (in large part because you’re spending so much time in the bathroom), but it’s not last night anymore, is it? OH GOD, LAST NIGHT.

  A little caffeine—not a lot—could make you feel slightly less horrible. (Plus water! Always more water!) A small amount of the proverbial hair of the dog that bit you—that is, alcohol—might assist with launching you into a restorative nap (same with a little bit of pot). But more than that, and you’re looking to get bit again by the dog that already bit you whose hair you just drank.

  British novelist Kingsley Amis maintained that a hangover could be helped by either (1) a half-hour flight in an open-air plane or (2) vigorous sex. If you have the opportunity for either (or both), you should clearly take it—though he rightfully cautions against option 2 “if you are in bed with somebody you should not be in bed with, and have in the least degree a bad conscience about this.” You will want to acquire a copy of Everyday Drinking, Amis’ collected works on the topic written between 1971 and 1984. The essay “The Hangover” addresses both the physical and the metaphysical aspects of the situation, the latter of which he terrifyingly yet encouragingly describes as “the psychological, mo
ral, emotional, spiritual aspects: all that vast, vague, awful, shimmering metaphysical superstructure that makes the hangover a (fortunately) unique route to self-knowledge and self-realisation.” Here you will further find helpful recommendations for reading and music that may enable the embetterment of the hungover soul (as well as a consideration of Kafka’s The Metamorphosis as a metaphor for the hangover).

  Some people swear by Alka-Seltzer, but good lord, does it taste terrible.

  The internet reports that an old Irish remedy for a hangover was to bury the hungover person up to the neck in moist river sand. However, if a body of water such as a river happens to be at hand, brief immersion in it is clearly superior to burial of whatever kind.

  Drinking a glass or two of water (but not a lot more) before you go to bed is a good idea.

  But in the end, like a broken heart (see How to Get Over a Broken Heart), a hangover can only truly be mended by the passage of time. Meanwhile, more water, more ibuprofen (though take it easy—you could end up with damage to your insides), more rest, some food. Don’t torture yourself about the stupid things you did or said; it happens to the best of us. There, there. This too shall pass. Until next time.

  How to Binge Drink

  It must be said: Binge drinking is not a great idea. You could get raped; you could fall out a window; you could die of alcohol poisoning or aspirating your own vomit. You ought not to do it, but if you do, best to do it as safely and non-jackassly as possible.

  Good friends with whom to binge drink are of paramount importance, as is being explicit about what being a good friend in this circumstance means (including but not limited to: preventing predatory characters from luring a friend away; moving a friend away from any open windows near which they are teetering; putting a passed-out friend to bed on their side—not their back or front—then checking on them; not putting a passed-out friend in a cold shower, as the friend may die of shock; calling 911 if a friend is dry-heaving without stopping).

  While the goal may be obliteration, a little self-awareness along the way helps immensely: Are those around you enjoying you as much as you’re enjoying yourself? Is the lampshade on your head completely necessary? Are you about to vomit? (If so, see On Vomiting.)

  Skip the mid-drinking-binge marijuana (same goes for the bedtime bong hit): It will very likely have an emetic effect. Drink some water (though your hangover is inevitable—plan for it). At bedtime, if you get the spins, hang one leg out of bed, foot touching the floor.

  And know when to say when, even with excess: If you binge drink frequently over a long period of time, get some help. If your relationships/schoolwork/work/life suffers because of your drinking—if you can’t make it to class or miss shifts, if your friends tell you that you have a problem, if your significant other wants to dump you—ditto.

  Handy Synonyms for Being Drunk

  Hammered, schnockered, wasted, blitzed, bombed, blotto, buzzed, trashed, canned, loaded, smashed, soused, sloshed, tanked, tight, tipsy, inebriated, intoxicated, in your cups, three sheets to the wind, liquored up, lit, all lashed up (chiefly British), wrecked, plastered.

  On Vomiting

  It’s only human: Sometimes people barf. Drinking, especially in a purposeful fashion—doing shots, playing beer pong, or just really applying yourself to the alcohol at hand—increases the chances of hurling. Vomiting isn’t bad, per se; it’s just your body’s way of saying, “HEY, FRIEND! YOU’RE POISONING ME!” And it’s true: Once you puke, you’ll feel better.

  But! You don’t want to be That Person: the one who spewed in the middle of the dance floor, or in somebody’s car, or on someone’s feet, especially if they’re wearing sandals. If you feel like you’re about to throw up, heed that feeling and act immediately. Your time is limited, and hemming and hawing just increases your chances of problematic regurgitation. This is no time to stand on ceremony: The most polite thing you can do is spare others the horror of seeing and smelling what you’re about to do. No need to excuse yourself; just go! Get to the nearest restroom or get outside, away from others—then have at it. (If you’re in a car, don’t be shy; the driver would much, much rather pull over than deal with the interior aftermath.) Ugh! But wait: That’s better, isn’t it? And no one thinks you’re an asshat.

  If you feel woozy, don’t lie down in the locked bathroom or shrubbery; get back around other people, and tell your friends about your predicament. It is their job to make sure you don’t pass out on your back and choke to death. Not to put too fine a point on it, but no one wants to find you dead in a pool of your own vomit later.

  If you feel SO MUCH BETTER, well, good on ya! Some stalwart people have been known to celebrate by drinking more (a.k.a. the boot-and-rally). If that’s you, you’re now firmly in binge-drinking territory. No judgment! But do see How to Binge Drink.

  Handy Synonyms for Vomiting

  Throw up, barf, puke, hurl, spew, retch, regurgitate, disgorge, de-food, ride the porcelain bus, pray to the porcelain god, do the Technicolor yawn, liquid laughter, hot liquid breath, chunder, heave, hork, honk (chiefly British), toss a pavement pizza, upchuck, blow chunks, boot, lose your cookies, lose your lunch, whistle a solid tune.

  How to Get Roofied and Still Have a Good Time

  The key to enjoying getting roofied is good company. If you’re drinking at a party or a bar, you should already be with a friend or friends who understand, seriously, how to look after each other (see How to Binge Drink). You should be keeping an eye on each other’s drinks, too—and no setting it down and coming back to it, dummy, or accepting a drink from the hand of someone you don’t know. If you somehow do get roofied, then your wingperson or -people are there to fend off (and hopefully punch) whatever creep tries to drag you off into the night. (As a human being, it’s also your duty to always watch for creeps dragging other half-conscious people off into the night: Stop them and yell, “Do you know her? WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE?” until the situation is made very clear.) With your friends by your side, you can relax and experience whatever psychotropic substance has been introduced into your system, which might not be that bad—some have reported crystal-clear double vision accompanied by fits of laughter, with only a small amount of blacking-out later (with friends to keep watch—see how that works?).

  How to Drink Like an Adult

  One’s introduction to alcohol often involves kegs and keg-stands and shots and putting it up your butt (is that really a thing? Do you really want to find out?). Oh, the fun! We mean that. But there comes a time to put away childish things (while noting that you can always come back to them later) and drink like an adult. Such a time might include a first date, when one thing not to do is offer them a funnel in the movie-theater parking lot; or dinner with someone’s parents, when one thing not to do is propose a round of Jäger; or, at some point, the entire rest of your life. (You will maybe regress to play beer pong just once in a while. It will be surprisingly fun.) Here’s how.

  Do not order a rum-and-Coke. Do not order a Diet-and-anything. Do not drink anything that is pink or anything that is blended. Do not drink malt liquor or schnapps of any variety. Do not drink anything containing flecks of gold, or taurine, or caffeine. Do not order any drink that has more than three components; two components are preferable (for the exception to this rule, see Why Do the Drinks at This Bar Cost So Goddamn Much?).

  Tip your bartender. This means $1 per drink, minimum, every time. What??? You’re already paying for the drink!!! And it’s only a however-few-dollars beer!!!!! Ah, how right you are. However, you are now drinking like an adult, and an inviolable part of the social contract is that one drink equals one dollar in tippage (if not more). The good news is that if you tip well and say thank you, bartenders will quite often eventually buy you a round. See how that works?

  Do not partake in any drinking that involves dropping one beverage into another. Do not do shots. While drinking games may have their pleasures, rest assured you are venturing out of the realm of adultlike drinking if dice, card
s, coins, word-cues, elaborate hand gestures, or rules of any kind are involved. Do not gulp.

  Drinking is the accompaniment to another activity, such as conversation or eating; drinking is not an activity unto itself. Do not say or do things that are dramatically different from the things you would say or do while not drinking. Do not cause difficulty for others due to your drinking, and do not let drinking cause difficulties for you. The only rules of adult drinking are more like guidelines, and they are ones that also apply to life as a whole: Don’t get too complicated about it, and don’t be an ass.

  On Drinking and Driving

  You’re not better at it than other people. It is completely irrelevant that you’re just going to the store, or whatever. DO. NOT. DO. IT.

  Beer: It’s All Good

  One’s path with our friend beer generally follows a certain trajectory: You have sips of beer as a kid and it tastes terrible; you drink crummy, cheap beer and it tastes terrible; you have more money and drink microbrews, and they are better; and maybe you venture into Belgian and other schmancy beers, and they taste even better, and you drink them sometimes, otherwise enjoying microbrews or even cheap beer (or variations thereof, such as Corona) when you want something that’s just cold and refreshing. In extreme cases, you might start brewing your own beer and become a real beer geek, which is as good a hobby as any. The thing is, all beer is good beer; to each their own. Don’t get too wound up about it.