[Desert Roses 02] - Across the Years

by Tracie Peterson

  Ashley held her close and kissed the top of her head. “Shh, it’s all right. I know how important he is to you, but you mustn’t mourn him yet. He’s not even gone. Grandpa is still with us. We mustn’t make him feel bad these last few days.”

  Natalie jerked away. “He’s going to die in a few days?”

  Ashley shook her head. “No one knows when he’s going to die, Natalie. I only said that to mean whatever time Grandpa has left should be spent in as much comfort and happiness as we can give him. When he’s gone, we can cry all we want, and then it won’t hurt him.”

  “Will he see us from heaven? Won’t it hurt him to see us cry then?”

  Ashley shrugged. “I don’t know if he will be able to see us from heaven. I don’t know a lot about heaven, but I remember Grandpa saying there’s no pain there. So if that’s the case, then maybe he’ll only see the good things down here on earth and never be sad again.”

  Natalie hugged her close. “Will you stay with me till I fall asleep?”

  Ashley didn’t normally indulge the child, but this time it seemed appropriate. “All right. How about I sit right here beside the bed?” Ashley got up and pulled a chair over to the bedside.

  “Would you read to me?”

  Ashley smiled and turned on the bedside light. “Just for ten minutes. Then you really need to go to sleep. What do you want me to read?”

  “Would you read the Bible?”

  Ashley tried to hide her grimace, but apparently she wasn’t successful.

  “Please, Mama?”

  Ashley reached for the black book on Natalie’s nightstand. “All right. Where do you want me to read? The beginning?”

  “No. Just open at the marker. That’s where I was reading earlier.”

  Ashley opened the Bible and found herself in the Psalms. “Psalm sixty-three?” Natalie nodded and Ashley continued. “ ‘O God, thou art my God; early will I seek thee: my soul thirsteth for thee, my flesh longeth for thee in a dry and thirsty land, where no water is.’ ” She smiled. “Sounds like the desert, eh?”

  “It’s one of Grandpa’s favorite chapters. He told me about it,” Natalie said, yawning. “He told me there’s another verse in the Bible that talks about how God makes rivers in the desert.” She snuggled down and closed her eyes. “God can do anything.”

  Ashley nodded and continued. “ ‘To see thy power and thy glory, so as I have seen thee in the sanctuary. Because thy lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise thee. Thus will I bless thee while I live.’ ” Ashley paused, uneasy at the reminder of her grandfather’s fleeting days. She looked over the last line. Thus will I bless thee while I live. It was such a simple statement. She drew a deep breath and read on. “ ‘I will lift up my hands in thy name. My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness; and my mouth shall praise thee with joyful lips: When I remember thee upon my bed, and meditate on thee in the night watches.’ ”

  She glanced over to see that Natalie had fallen back to sleep. Her even breathing left no doubt that she had found her comfort and peace once again. Ashley replaced the marker and closed the Bible. She turned off the lamp and left the Bible on the nightstand before leaving the room. A strange peace was upon her. A peace she hadn’t known for some time. Could it really be that simple? she wondered. Could merely reading the Bible—God’s Word—give that kind of comfort to her soul?

  CHAPTER FOUR

  Ashley sat beside Natalie in church, hoping her nervousness wouldn’t show. Grandpa sat on the other side of Natalie, and both were beaming from ear to ear because of her attendance. This only served to make Ashley more edgy. What if she said or did something that embarrassed them—made them sorry she’d come?

  They picked up hymnals as directed by Pastor McGuire and turned to the page he directed. Ashley looked at the words to the song while the organ introduced the melody. When the singing began, Ashley followed the words in silence, mesmerized by their powerful effect.

  “Oft my heart has bled with sorrow. Not a friend my grief to share.” How very true, Ashley thought. She listened to her daughter sing the words with great enthusiasm and conviction.

  The congregation moved to the second verse. “Once I sighed for peace and pleasure, felt a painful void within.” Oh, the words were like affirmation to her soul, and Ashley couldn’t help but eagerly seek the next refrain. “Life was gloomy, death a terror.” Oh yes, she thought. Yes. Death is a terror. It threatens to steal away all the joy I’ve worked so hard to own.

  The chorus interrupted her thoughts. “Is there here a soul in trouble—whosoever needs a friend? Jesus’ love your heart will gladden, bless and keep you to the end.”

  Could it really be that simple? Could turning your heart over to Jesus—accepting His love—really be the key? If so, why didn’t everybody do it? Ashley teetered between complete confusion and an intense desire to understand. God had seemed so distant to her when Ethan died. She’d attended church most of her life—her mother had insisted. After all, they’d purchased an entire pew at the front of the grand cathedral and no one was ever allowed there but the Murphy family. It was important to be seen in church. It lent an image of worthiness and respectability, her mother had said. This time, however, church seemed different.

  The congregation concluded the song and Pastor McGuire began to pray. He prayed for peace for each individual and then prayed for God to speak through his words. Ashley could hardly concentrate. Her thoughts were still lost in the words of the song. Had she missed something all those years ago?

  Throughout Pastor McGuire’s sermon, Ashley kept coming back to the words of the hymn. Is there here a soul in trouble—whosoever needs a friend? That could certainly describe her, but could she accept that the solution was in seeking God? God, who had taken away her husband and turned her parents against her? What kind of friend would that make God?

  “Why do we suppose when bad things come that God is the only one to bring them?”

  Ashley heard Pastor McGuire’s question and snapped to attention. She looked up to meet the older man’s gaze. It was almost as if he’d been waiting for her acknowledgment.

  “Sometimes the trials we bear are the consequences of our own actions. We know better than to touch a hot stove. Should we put God to a foolish test and touch it anyway? We know that standing on the railroad tracks in defiance of a speeding locomotive is sure to bring us death. Do we stand there anyway, just to see if God is powerful enough to keep us from harm? Of course not.

  “If we put ourselves in harm’s way, purposefully seeking our own pleasure and benefit, and then find ourselves in danger, how does this become the fault of our Lord and Savior?” He paused for a moment and studied the faces of his congregation. His expression softened as he continued. “Of course, there are those things that are thrust upon us that are not of our doing.” Again he looked directly at Ashley. She warmed under his stare and shifted uncomfortably in her seat. Why had Grandpa and Natalie insisted on sitting so close to the front?

  “Sometimes we suffer the consequences of other people’s sin. A man is murdered by a thief. He leaves behind a wife and several children. They will bear the consequences of the murderer’s actions. Are they to blame? No, of course not, but suffer they will, nevertheless. Does this make God unjust? Does this make God an uncaring bystander who leaves His children to fend for themselves?”

  Ashley swallowed hard and leaned forward ever so slightly to hear the answer. Surely this man knew her heart—knew the questions and misery that lived there.

  “God is not unjust—nor uncaring,” Pastor McGuire continued. “He has offered us shelter in His love. The world will do as it will. Sin will abound and the curse of sin will follow from generation to generation. We will neither go untouched nor unscathed. However, we have but to draw nearer to God in order to be healed of the wounds. We have only to rest in Him and find comfort from the pains of this world. Jesus himself said we would have these trials and pains. He said family members would turn against
each other because of Him. He said the way would be difficult. . . . However, He promised we would never face it alone.”

  But I feel alone, Ashley whispered in the depths of her soul. I feel terribly alone—especially now that Grandpa is dying. How will I make a good home for Natalie once he’s gone? How can I be both father and mother to this child?

  She missed the pastor’s final comments but stood with the others as they sang another song. This time she paid little attention to the words or music. Ashley knew there was no sense in trying to focus on anything at this point. Her mind was awash in questions without hope of answers.

  ****

  The days that followed were peaceful ones despite Ashley’s worries. Grandpa, although weakened greatly, seemed as alert as ever. The pastor came and played checkers twice, and Natalie read to the older man every evening after supper. The routine seemed comfortable, almost easy.

  But by Thursday Grandpa’s pain had grown almost unbearable. Ashley offered him the morphine the doctor had given her, but Grandpa was still not yet ready to succumb to the medicated stupor that it promised.

  “I need you to go bring my lawyer here. He’s been processing some papers for me—some things we have to tend to before I start taking the medicine,” Grandpa told her that afternoon.

  “I’ll go right away,” Ashley promised. “Will you be all right alone? I could wait until Natalie comes home from school.” It was only after the words were out of her mouth that Ashley remembered Natalie’s request to go to the Harvey building site after school.

  “No, I’m fine. Just go ahead. I’m going to try to sleep while you’re gone,” Grandpa replied.

  Ashley reached out and gently stroked the old man’s snowy white hair. “Grandpa, I love you. I wish I could take this sickness from you.”

  He smiled up at her, the weariness evident in his expression. “To every man is appointed a time to die.”

  “I wish it could be otherwise.” She took hold of his hand and squeezed it gently. “It’s so unfair.”

  “You’re troubled. I can see that,” he said, surprising her. “Sit here with me for a minute. The lawyer can wait. Tell me what’s on your mind. This is more than just me and my situation.”

  Ashley carefully sat on the bedside. She knew any movement at all only caused Grandpa greater pain. “I just don’t know what to do,” she admitted.

  “About what?”

  She shrugged. “Everything, I guess. I want so much to give Natalie a good home, but I can’t be both mother and father to her. I’ve relied on you for so much over the years, and I don’t know how to make it all work.”

  “You could remarry,” Grandpa suggested rather hesitantly.

  “That’s what Natalie wants,” Ashley admitted. “But I could never love another man the way I did Ethan.”

  “Who’s asking you to? Why don’t you just love another man for himself?”

  “I’m afraid I would always be comparing a new husband to Ethan.”

  “Child, you only knew Ethan for a short time. Please don’t misunderstand me, but can you truly have that much to compare with, or are you living in the memory of what you’ve created over the long, lonely years?”

  Ashley felt as if he’d slapped her. She opened her mouth to speak in anger, then closed it again. Convicted in her own heart, she knew his words held an element of truth. “I suppose there are certain things I’ve created in my mind. We had so little time together, and I didn’t want to lose a single memory. But, Grandpa, he was the love of my life. He made my life seem complete.”

  “But he’s dead and gone. His suffering is over, but yours goes on. Maybe Natalie wants a new father as much for you as for herself. Maybe she realizes how lonely and miserable you are—how much you need a companion.”

  There was no need to deny it. Ashley knew her grandfather would figure out the truth whether she tried to conceal it or not. “I just don’t know if I can open my heart up to someone again. The people I loved so dearly have hurt me so deeply.”

  “Like your own mother and father?”

  “Yes. And my brothers.”

  “You need to mend that fence.”

  Ashley jerked upward, bristling at the thought. “Why should I? They care nothing for me. They’re the ones who sent me away without another word—without a cent to my name.”

  “True enough, but they may have had a change of heart. In fact, your brothers and father may never have agreed with your mother’s actions at all. You never gave them a chance to voice an opinion. You never let them know where you were, and because you were with me and pleaded for me not to tell them, they don’t know how to reach either of us.”

  “Which is exactly how I want it.” Ashley got to her feet. “I can’t imagine that they’d care to know where I am—even now.”

  “But you can’t assume that. You need to turn this over to the Lord and work through it, because, frankly, I’d like to see your mama—your aunt Lavelle too before I die.”

  Ashley had never considered this for even a moment. Up until now, Grandpa had said very little about his daughters. “After the way they treated you, Grandpa, how can you want to see them? They were cruel. They forced you to divide up your property and live without the wealth and possessions you’d collected over the years.”

  “Those things meant very little to me in light of my children’s happiness. I knew the money and things couldn’t make them happy,” Grandpa admitted, “but I also knew that they would have to come to their own understanding of that. I forgive them for what they said and did, and I want to put the past to rest.”

  His expression took on a faraway look, as though he were drawn back in time. “I know there’s a possibility they still feel as angry and hateful as they did when I first told them I was leaving the real estate business in Los Angeles. Still, there’s the possibility God has done a work in their lives and they’ve changed.” He looked back at Ashley. “I wouldn’t want to die and not at least try to make things right. Besides, your mother and father might very well want to be a part of your life—your brothers too. Once I’m gone, you might want them in your life as well. Ashley, at least promise me you’ll think about it.”

  Ashley’s breathing quickened with the tightening in her chest. “I’ll think about it, but that’s all I can promise at this point.” But even as she said the words, Ashley knew there wasn’t all that much time to think about anything. With the doctor’s last visit, she knew there was little time left.

  Grandpa smiled. “That’s enough. For now.”

  Ashley thought about his words as she readied herself for town. Running a comb through her bobbed brown hair, she wondered if there was even the slimmest chance that he was right. Maybe her parents had felt bad for the way they’d done things. Perhaps her father, upon hearing what her mother had done, had come to speak with Ashley only to find she’d already gone. It was possible. But did that change things for her? Her mother had still chosen money over love and made it clear that Ashley had no place in her life unless she did likewise. Even if they showed up on the doorstep tomorrow—could she forgive them?

  * * *

  Russell heard the door close and knew Ashley had left the house. He moaned softly as he settled into the mattress.

  “Lord, the pain is so great. Please ease it—send me comfort.”

  He thought of the morphine. It was there for his benefit, and yet he refused to take it. How often in life had there been other things he’d refused—things that might well have made the way easier, less painful?

  “I just don’t want my head clouded. There’s still too much to tend to. I want to see my daughters, Lord. Please bring them to me—please give me time.”

  Russell had spoken to his lawyer about notifying the women and then stopped short of having the man actually do the deed. Ashley wanted nothing to do with her mother. When he’d moved here to Winslow with Ashley, it had been with the promise that he’d never do anything to give away her whereabouts. Now he needed to ask her to release h
im from that promise before it was too late.

  “She won’t like the idea, Lord, but I’m hoping to cushion the blow. Surely once she sees how she doesn’t have to worry about where she’ll live or the money . . . maybe then she won’t mind her mother knowing where she is. Maybe too she’ll consider putting the past behind her as I’ve asked.”

  ****

  “Hello again!” Natalie called to E. J. as she crossed the lobby.

  E. J. turned from the older woman and motioned Natalie to join them. “Natalie, I want you to meet Miss Colter.”

  Natalie came to a halt in front of the woman and extended her hand. “I’m Natalie, and I want to build things like you do.”

  Mary Colter nodded and shook Natalie’s hand. “It’s not an easy job for a woman. Men seldom listen to you, yet they’re the ones who generally carry out the actual construction work.”

  Natalie looked at E. J. and commented, “Mr. Carson says you’re the very best. He doesn’t mind working for you.”

  “Yes, well, E. J. is the exception. He seems quite willing to follow instructions.”

  E. J. laughed. “I wouldn’t dare do otherwise. Everyone knows it’s better to do what Miss Colter says than to question her. Besides”—he leaned down and whispered conspiratorially—“I think Miss Colter is one terrific lady.”

  This brought a bit of a chuckle from Mary Colter. “Well, not everyone feels that way, but I’m working on them. Oh, I’ll have to talk with you more tomorrow, E. J. I see one of my boys making a mess of the ironwork.” She pushed past Natalie without another word.

  “Her boys are working here?” Natalie questioned.

  E. J. shook his head. “No, she calls all of us ‘her boys.’ Most of the men hate it, but I find it rather endearing. My own mother is dead and gone, so I don’t mind it at all.”

  “I think she’s very nice,” Natalie said, watching as Mary Colter waggled her finger at the ironworker.