Finding Hope at Lighthouse Cove

by Jessica Redland

  ‘It wasn’t like that.’

  ‘How was it then?’

  ‘It’s complicated.’

  ‘That’s crap and you know it.’ He crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes at me. ‘You need to choose. It’s Gary or me.’

  ‘Don’t be stu–’

  ‘Stupid and ridiculous? I wonder why you bother with me.’

  ‘We’re getting divorced, Daniel. It’s over. Completely and utterly over.’

  He fixed his dark eyes on me. ‘Are you sure about that?’ Without waiting for an answer, he stormed off.

  I slumped into the nearest chair and sighed loudly. I couldn’t blame Daniel for his reaction because it was justified in the circumstances. It would probably be a good idea to chase after him, but I didn’t have the energy.

  Shortly after eleven, the party was still in full swing but I couldn’t take any more dancing or socialising with a fake grin plastered across my face. I hadn’t seen Daniel again so I headed back to the room, assuming he’d gone home. I was therefore surprised to see his bag still there.

  I got ready for bed and crawled under the duvet, willing sleep to come quickly to dull the pain of Mother’s revelations, Dad’s devastation and the bust-up with Daniel. But, of course, sleep didn’t come.

  I stiffened when I heard a key in the lock a couple of hours later. I pretended to be asleep as Daniel clattered around the room, dropping things, banging into the furniture and swearing.

  After he’d visited the bathroom – also very noisily – he slipped into the bed beside me and lay on his back in silence for a while as I continued to feign sleep on my side, facing away from him. Then he rolled onto his side and clumsily draped a heavy arm over me and nuzzled close into my back. I could feel his erection prodding against me through my nightie and, despite the weariness in my body, I felt a zip of electricity. Why did he have such an overpowering effect on me?

  He wriggled closer and ground himself against my backside as his hand moved across my arm and gently massaged my breast. ‘Are you awake?’ he whispered.

  I remained silent, but my damned body gave me away. As he continued to massage my nipple, I arched in response and a soft moan escaped.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he whispered. ‘I know you’re not going to get back with Gary. I was jealous. I was scared of losing you.’

  His hand drifted across my stomach and down my thigh until he found the bottom of my nightie, then his hand travelled back up my thigh under the material. I wanted to be angry with him. I wanted to shout at him for throwing a strop because he didn’t understand the hell I’d been through that evening and how I’d needed Gary or I’d have fallen apart. But even stronger than that, I wanted him. I widened my legs and gasped as his fingers entered me, then I turned my head so I could kiss him.

  ‘I love you, Elise,’ he muttered as his fingers caressed me.

  ‘I know.’ I still couldn’t bring myself to say it in return. ‘I’m sorry too. I’ve heard that make-up sex is meant to be the best.’

  ‘You’d better believe it.’

  And, as always, it was incredible with Daniel. He pushed every button and then some. But, as I lay awake in the darkness, listening to his gentle breathing beside me, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something between us didn’t feel quite right. We’d had our first fight, which concerned me so soon into our relationship but the reason for the fight concerned me more. Why hadn’t I been honest with him about my childhood and my toxic relationship with my mother? Yes, it would have been an uncomfortable conversation but, if I loved Daniel or even if I thought I could grow to love him, I should have let him in.

  22

  The next week and a half passed, during which I saw Daniel every other night. I felt as though something had changed between us, although he clearly hadn’t noticed. He was as attentive as ever, telling me he loved me, complimenting me, and being the most incredible lover. We tried new positions, new places, and even introduced a bit of role-playing. It was new and exciting, but I missed the conversation, deep connection and understanding I’d had with Gary. I knew that how I was feeling was my fault for not opening up to Daniel. I kept my past hidden, and I didn’t share any hopes for the future, which I’d surely have done if he was Mr Right. Our relationship was definitely all about the here and now and, let’s face it, lots of sex. Was that enough?

  I spent the rest of my time with Dad, who was house-sitting for Jess and Lee while they were on their honeymoon. We went out for day trips or sat in the garden chatting. I loved spending time in his company, but he seemed to have aged a decade since the wedding and it tore me apart that I couldn’t tell him that I knew why.

  Jess and Lee were due back on the Tuesday night and had invited me round for tea on the Wednesday so they could tell me all about their trip and have a last evening with Dad before he flew back to Spain on the Thursday morning. Given that Wednesday was my evening to visit Sarah, I asked her if we could meet for lunch instead.

  ‘I had a small world moment at Bay Trade on Monday night,’ she said over lunch in The Chocolate Pot. ‘We had two new members and one of them turned out to be Daniel’s brother, Michael.’

  ‘Michael? The grumpiest photographer in the world? I bet that was fun for you.’

  Sarah shook her head. ‘He seemed quite friendly, actually, but he said something really strange before he left. He said Daniel isn’t what he seems and you should be careful.’

  I wiped my mouth and pushed my empty plate away. ‘Michael really said that?’

  She screwed up her nose and nodded. ‘Sorry. What do you think he meant?’

  ‘Trouble,’ I said. ‘He hates Daniel, and every time I’ve been to the cottage, he’s made it pretty clear he’s not enamoured with me either. Not that I care because the feeling’s mutual.’

  Sarah stirred her hot chocolate. ‘You’re normally so positive about people. What’s he done to upset you so much?’

  I shrugged. ‘Nothing major. He had a go at us the first night we were at the cottage, but to be fair, I had just kicked a lamp over and smashed a glass. But he was really cold the next day and couldn’t get out of the place fast enough when I saw him. Since then it’s been dirty looks and little jibes all the way, although he’s not been around much lately which is a relief. Plus, I know why he fell out with Daniel so I’m holding that against him too.’

  Sarah leaned forwards on the table, eyes glistening with mischief. ‘Ooh, do tell.’

  ‘Okay, I concede, he is a bit of an idiot,’ she said when I’d finished the story. ‘He seemed nice enough when I met him on Monday. A bit shy and nervy, perhaps, but pleasant. I suppose it’s only when you get to know someone that you find out what they’re really all about.’ She sighed. ‘I understand why you don’t like Michael, but can you do as he says and be careful? Neither of us really knows Daniel. Who says he’s the one being honest and Michael’s in the wrong?’

  I prickled and nearly snapped back that it was none of her business, but a voice in my head told me she was right. I’d been with Gary for sixteen years and he’d lied throughout that time. What was to say someone whom I’d only met three weeks ago was going to be a pillar of honesty? He had to be honest, though. Surely nobody would be cruel enough to make up the stuff he’d told me about Amber and the baby?

  I smiled at Sarah. ‘Thanks. I’ll be careful. I promise.’

  As I walked back towards Seashell Cottage to start on some teaching prep for next term, I replayed what Sarah had told me about Michael. By the time I reached the front door, I was fuming. How dare he? How dare he say something like that to someone he’d only just met? He must have known it would come back to me. I might have doubts about Daniel being The One but he had done nothing but show me kindness and respect… and a damn good time in bed! Michael had tried to split Daniel and Amber up and clearly he was trying again with me. What a horrible person.

  It took a very strong cup of camomile tea to calm me down. It was just as well I wasn’t going to the cottage that night b
ecause, if Michael had been there, I might have given him a Cynthia-style piece of my mind.

  ✉︎ From Gary

  Estate agent just phoned. Two second viewings at the weekend and he says they both sound very keen

  * * *

  ✉︎ To Gary

  Thanks. Hopefully we’ll get an offer and can complete quickly so we can both move on. Keep me posted

  On the Friday morning that week, I took a break from planning and was running a duster round the lounge when the doorbell rang.

  ‘Can you get that?’ Kay shouted from upstairs. ‘I’ll be down in a minute.’

  I opened the front door and could not have been more astonished if my mother had been stood on the doorstep with news that she’d joined the AA. ‘What the hell are you doing here?’

  For a moment, Michael just stared at me open-mouthed. ‘Erm… have I got the right place? I’m looking for Kay Summers.’

  I nodded. ‘It’s her cottage. How do you know Kay?’

  ‘I don’t. My dad’s going to give her some photography tutoring and I’m going with them to do some shooting myself. Is she your mum?’

  ‘No. She’s my friend’s auntie. Actually, I think you know my friend, Sarah, from Bay Trade. I believe you two had a nice little tête à tête on Monday night.’ I tried to give him a dirty look.

  ‘Yes. I told her to tell you to be careful and I’m happy to say it to your face too. My brother isn’t everything he initially seems.’

  ‘Meaning what exactly?’ I crossed my arms and leaned defiantly against the doorframe.

  ‘You’ll have to ask him.

  ‘I’m asking you.’

  He shook his head. ‘I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m only trying to protect you.’

  ‘Rubbish,’ I snapped. ‘You’re trying to drive a wedge between Daniel and me just like you did with Amber and him.’

  Michael shook his head again and rubbed his hand over his unshaved face. He looked like he was about to blurt something out then clearly thought the better of it. ‘That’s what he told you, is it?’

  I nodded.

  He sighed and, for a fleeting moment, I thought I detected vulnerability in the gruff package on the doorstep. ‘I guess we have nothing more to say to each other, then, do we?’ he said.

  ‘I guess not.’

  ‘Hi. Sorry about that. I couldn’t find my watch.’ Kay appeared in the doorway. ‘You must be Philip.’ She stretched out her hand to shake Michael’s.

  He grinned. ‘Close, except I’m the younger and more ruggedly handsome version. I’m Michael. Philip’s my dad. He’s waiting in the car. I hope you don’t mind me tagging along.’

  ‘The more the merrier. Thanks for doing this at such short notice.’

  ‘No problem at all. I think my dad’s quite excited at the thought of passing on his expertise again. He couldn’t wait to get started.’

  I watched Michael in amazement. He seemed so friendly and at ease speaking to Kay – a complete contrast to the grumpy person I’d come to know and avoid. Had I misjudged him?

  ‘Now, Michael,’ Kay said, ‘I’ve got my camera and a packed lunch. Do I need anything else?’

  ‘I’d grab a waterproof just in case, but camera and food are the essentials. I’d better warn you, if you have any chocolate in there, you may find it goes walkies.’

  Kay laughed and punched him lightly. ‘You nick my chocolate; you’ll be wearing my coffee.’

  Michael laughed and I reeled. I didn’t think he knew how to laugh. Who was this charming person? A smile and twinkling eyes completely transformed him.

  ‘I’ll probably be back late so you enjoy having the cottage to yourself,’ Kay said. ‘See you later.’

  They set off in the direction of a grey 4x4 at the end of the street, then Michael paused and turned round. The smile had gone. He held my gaze for a moment, shrugged, then turned his back again.

  I watched him load Kay’s bags into the boot, open the front door so she could take a seat, then climb into the back. As the car pulled away, he turned round once more and looked at me through the back window. He looked sad.

  The sound of my mobile ringing in the lounge brought me out of my trance. I closed the front door and dashed to answer it before it clicked into the answer service. ‘Jess, hi, how are you?’

  ‘Fat,’ she said. ‘I swear I’ve doubled in size since the wedding.’

  ‘You’re not fat. You’re five-and-a-half months’ pregnant with twins. You weren’t expecting to stay a size eight, were you?’

  ‘No, but I wasn’t expecting to be a size eighteen either.’

  ‘Ooh, someone’s exaggerating.’

  ‘What are you doing this afternoon?’ she asked.

  ‘Nothing much. Kay’s just gone out for a photography lesson and I might go for a walk.’

  ‘Scrap the walk. You can spend the afternoon buggy shopping with me.’

  ‘Why aren’t you at work? You’ve only just got back from your honeymoon.’

  ‘I know, but I had some lieu time due from before the wedding. My boss said I could take it this afternoon. We’re moving offices and I think he’s terrified that a pregnant woman hauling boxes of files around is a lawsuit waiting to happen. It’s the perfect opportunity to go buggy shopping and I want your opinion.’

  ‘I know nothing about choosing a buggy.’

  ‘You know more about children than I do,’ she said.

  ‘That would be children aged eleven to sixteen. They’re not generally known for being pushed around in buggies.’

  ‘Pretty please,’ she whined.

  ‘Having twins means the choices are limited,’ Jess said as we stood in front of the area containing all the double buggies. ‘Which do you like best?’

  I shrugged. ‘I haven’t a clue. I don’t know why you’d think I can help.’

  ‘Because you’re the practical one.’

  I shrugged again. ‘Which one do you like best?’

  ‘Probably that one.’

  Glancing at the £1000 price tag, I whistled. ‘I think we can rule that one out. Second favourite?’

  ‘That one.’ She pointed to a wide buggy.

  I shook my head. ‘It’s enormous. I doubt you’d fit that in your hall, even collapsed down.’

  ‘See! I knew you’d be able to help.’

  ‘What colour?’ I asked after we’d found a winner. ‘Neutral?’

  She grinned at me. ‘It will have to be seeing as we’re expecting a boy and a girl.’

  I gasped and grabbed her arm. ‘You’ve found out? I thought you weren’t going to.’

  ‘We weren’t and I wouldn’t have done if there was only one baby, but it seemed so much more practical to know when there’s two.’

  ‘That’s brilliant news. How do you feel?’

  ‘Couldn’t be happier. I thought I might like two girls, but as soon as I found out it was one of each, I realised I had my perfect ready-made family. I’m so lucky.’

  I hugged my sister and said all the right things about being a delighted auntie with my first nephew and niece to spoil, but her words cut right through me. She wouldn’t have meant anything by it, but ‘perfect ready-made family’? I should have had one of those by now instead of a gay husband and an impending divorce.

  It didn’t end with the buggy. My head thumped as I placed the third armful of bags in the boot of Jess’s car. My face ached from the forced smile, and my throat burned from the restrictive lump in it. It had been harder than bridesmaid dress shopping. Much harder. With every purchase, the reality hit home more and more that my dreams of motherhood were just that – dreams. Daniel was fun, but it was lust, not love. He wasn’t my future, which begged the question as to whether I should end it and find someone with whom I could see myself settling down and having a family? Every day I stayed with him was a day that I wasn’t working towards my dreams of being a mum.

  Jess slammed the boot of her car shut. ‘Are you sure you don’t want a lift home? It’s no bother.�
��

  I shook my head. ‘Look at that blue sky. I fancy a walk along the beach.’

  ‘As long as you’re sure.’ Jess hugged me. ‘Thanks for today. I’m really glad you were there to help me.’

  ‘Me too. It was fun.’ I smiled and hoped it looked sincere.

  I waved her off then strolled the ten-minute journey down the hill towards South Bay, dodging tourists draped in soggy sandy towels, their arms loaded with buckets, spades, and picnic hampers. It was a muggy day and I paused to buy a drink before continuing along the seafront and over the swing bridge to Lighthouse Cove.

  The beach at Lighthouse Cove wasn’t very busy due to families heading back to their hotels and caravans for dinner so I managed to find a quiet spot among the sand dunes just beyond the caves. I sat down and wiggled my bare feet until they were buried under a small pile of sand, and gazed at the twinkling azure ocean.

  Closing my eyes, I willed my busy mind to empty, but all I could see was Michael’s face staring out of the back of the 4x4 and hear his warning. Stop thinking about it. He’s trouble. But what if he wasn’t? What if Michael was right and it was Daniel who was trouble? I opened my eyes and glanced across to where I’d had my first ever experience of sex outdoors. My body tingled at the thought of it. If Daniel was trouble, he was pretty good trouble.

  My phone beeped and I smiled. Were his ears burning?

  ✉︎ From Daniel

  My last customer cancelled so I’m back early. Had the day from hell. Missing you so called round at yours, but there’s nobody in. I know we weren’t meant to be seeing each other tonight, but I could use the company. Are you free later for a drink, a cuddle, or both? xxx

  * * *

  ✉︎ To Daniel

  Was just thinking about you. Sorry you’ve had a rough one. Me too. I’m on the beach now if you want to come and find me. I’m near the caves, but I think it’s a bit too light to re-live what happened last time we came here ;-) xx