Phantom Limb: A Gripping Psychological Thriller

by Lucinda Berry

  After our examinations at the hospital, we were taken to the Rooths in a police squad car. Dalila loved to describe how her heart melted when she saw us, watching the police officer let us out of the backseat as if we were the world’s youngest felons. We were too afraid to move forward, so the officer had to keep reminding us to walk up the sidewalk. Dalila opened the door before he knocked. Emily and I clung to each other on the front steps. We still hadn’t spoken to anyone since the firemen rescued us from our apartment.

  “Come inside, sweethearts,” she said. The sound of her voice was kind, and we followed it into our new world.

  We didn’t function like normal kids, and nothing could’ve prepared Bob and Dalila for our list of problems. Eating was a huge one. I didn’t eat and Emily ate everything she could get her hands on. Both extremes made us sick. Emily threw up after her binges while I got skinnier than I’d been before they took us in.

  The only solid food we’d ever eaten was cheese pizza and bread. There was a small all-night pizza place two blocks down from the strip club where Mother worked, and occasionally when she didn’t have a man, she’d grab one on the way home. The grease always gave us diarrhea, but we didn’t care. It was worth it. Other than that, we survived on water, formula, and bread. The cupboards in the kitchen in our apartment were stocked with formula and bread. Nothing else. We used the water from the sink to mix up the formula we drank. The social workers told Dalila that although drinking formula from bottles had rotted out many of our front teeth, it kept us from starving to death or developing mental retardation from the lack of important nutrients over the years. We were still drinking formula from bottles when we were brought to the Rooths.

  Eating was foreign and the food felt weird in my mouth. I didn’t like to chew, or the texture and squish of it between my teeth. I spat out mouthfuls, because if I tried to swallow, I couldn’t breathe, which sent me into a frenzied panic attack. Emily, on the other hand, couldn’t get enough food. She was in Heaven. She’d eat everything on her plate and mine. She hid food all over her room. She’d sneak down to the kitchen in the middle of the night and eat half the contents of the refrigerator. Sometimes I’d go with her and watch her eat pickles straight out of the jar, followed by whipped cream and the leftovers from dinner.

  “Yuck. How do you eat that?” I’d ask, completely repulsed and disgusted.

  She’d giggle at me with food smeared all over her mouth. “Because it’s so delicious.”

  We’d learned how to eat, but it wasn’t easy and took a long time. The process involved forced feedings, coupled with small rewards for me and locks on the kitchen cabinets and refrigerator for Emily.

  We didn’t like to be separated, which was a problem since everyone was determined to sever our dependence on each other. If someone separated us, we went into horrible rages that escalated into biting and head banging. I bit and Emily banged.

  There were other adjustments too. Neither of us had any semblance of a regular sleep/wake routine. We’d never been on a schedule, so we didn’t know the difference between day and night. Neither of us could sleep through the night. It was as if the Rooths had two newborns, except we were seven. It made it even harder on them because we’d never been properly toilet trained and traded off on nightly accidents, but since we slept together there was only one set of sheets to wash. It took a year before we were able to sleep through the night without accidents.

  Bob and Dalila were patient through all of our struggles, but our refusal to make physical contact hurt them the most. We were physical and affectionate with each other, but recoiled from anyone else’s touch. Dalila liked to hold and cuddle us before we went to bed. She put a rocking chair in each of our rooms. She’d pull me on her lap and wrap her arms around me, but I didn’t like to sit on her lap or anyone else’s. Some of Mother’s special friends made me sit on their laps and it was all I could think about when she plopped me on hers. I’d wiggle and squirm, trying to get comfortable, but was never able to find a spot that felt right. I loved when Emily stroked my back, but her rubbing made my skin itch like bugs were underneath it. I pushed her hands away.

  I had an easier time connecting with Bob than Dalila. I was mesmerized by the safety in his eyes. They twinkled when he smiled and laughed. Every man I’d met had had eyes clouded with demons that came to life as soon as Mother’s bedroom door closed, but Bob’s eyes bore no sign of demons. He didn’t expect as much of us as Dalila. He accepted much sooner than her that Emily and I had some wounds no amount of love would erase. He was content to focus on what he could give us and didn’t try to change us into something we weren’t.

  He developed his own routines with us. He’d sit and draw for hours with Emily, and he loved to watch Friends with me. It didn’t matter that he could quote almost every line Joey said or knew each twist during the scene. His belly jiggled up and down with laughter each time as if it was the first time he’d seen the episode. I spent many nights on the couch with him watching Friends. He had his side of the couch and I had mine. There was an invisible line between us, and unlike Dalila, he never tried to cross it.

  Lisa played a central role in helping the Rooths navigate our issues. Changing our behavior involved charts and stickers that the Rooths brought home and taped on the refrigerator. There was a chart on the refrigerator right up until the day we started high school.

  Lisa referred to things like “insecure attachment” and “reactive attachment disorder” when she talked to the Rooths about us. I hadn’t understood the words then and still didn’t. Sometimes they forced me to sit in Dalila’s lap in Lisa’s office with her arms wrapped tightly around me while I kicked and screamed. Emily hated it too, but unlike me, who fought, she’d just go limp in Dalila’s arms when it was her turn. It might have helped them work with us if we’d told them what Mother’s special friends made us do to them, but we never told. Never. Mother had warned us that if we ever told, she’d kill us, and her threats were still very real to us even though her physical presence was gone from our lives. We spoke to no one about it, not even each other.

  Despite their efforts, neither Emily nor I responded to Bob and Dalila as they’d hoped, but we grew to love them in our own way and became familiar with the routine and stability they provided. It was just never the way they’d imagined it’d be.

  “Elizabeth,” Lisa exclaimed when she saw me and threw her arms around me. She laid her hand on my back and ushered me into her office. It was still the same too. Games and toys were stacked on the shelves. Blocks and puzzles littered the floor. The huge bin of stuffed animals that I used to love to jump into headfirst was still there. Her small desk was buried in the corner, with her degrees hanging on the wall behind her, peeking out from crayoned artwork and finger paintings. I stood eyeing the blue beanbag chair I used to sit in. It seemed too weird to sit in it now. She pointed to a straight-backed chair in front of her desk as she took a seat behind it.

  “Have a seat. I’m so happy to see you.”

  I plopped down on the wooden seat, feeling like a giant. Everything was so much smaller than I remembered. Even Lisa looked like she’d shrunk a few inches.

  “You look great,” she said.

  I smiled at her. Being in love had a way of making everything look brighter and more vibrant. I’d been noticing it myself.

  “I can’t wait to hear what’s going on with you. Dalila sent me an email that you got a full scholarship for college. It made me so proud. Where are you at now?” she asked.

  “I’m in the first semester of my second year.”

  “At Galston?”

  I nodded. “Yep. After this year, I’m hoping to transfer to a four-year university on my scholarship. I’m just starting to look at schools. I still haven’t decided if I want to go into law or medicine.”

  “I can see you being a lawyer. You’ve always been so logical and analytical. It seems like it’d be a good fit.”

  I crossed my legs and looked to the side, avoiding her eye
s. I’d forgotten about her eyes. She had a way of looking right into you as if she could see into your insides.

  “Do you have a job?”

  “In telemarketing. It’s a mindless job, but I get paid well enough and they work around my school schedule, so that’s good.”

  “Wonderful.”

  There was an awkward pause.

  “Do you live on campus?” she asked.

  “No, I live in an apartment off campus. It’s only a few blocks away. It works out to live so close to school.”

  I hated small talk.

  “So, what brings you here to see me today?” she asked.

  Apparently, she hated small talk too.

  I cleared my throat. Cleared it again. I wasn’t any better at this kind of talk either. “Well, um, I have a boyfriend.”

  “It’s about time.” She laughed. “He’s a lucky guy. Tell me about him.” She leaned back in her chair, resting it against the wall.

  “His name’s Thomas and we work together. We’ve been dating for almost a year. I think I’m in love.” I blushed.

  She smiled. “That’s great. I’m so happy for you. Love is a good thing and I think it’s a wonderful problem to have.”

  I smiled shyly. If only it were that simple.

  “Then there’s Emily …”

  The sentence hung in the air.

  She got up from her desk and walked over to sit in the chair next to me. She smelled different. She used to smell like flowers. Now all I smelled was vanilla, like she’d just finished baking cookies. She placed her hand on my knee.

  “Elizabeth, it’s okay.” She paused, letting her words take effect. “It’s okay to love someone other than Emily. You know that, don’t you? It’s okay to let go.”

  I took her words in, digesting them slowly. Dalila used to say the same thing back when we were talking regularly and not just checking in every few weeks.

  “Sweetie, I know I’ve said this to you before, but I think it would help you so much if you allowed yourself to let go of Emily. She’s holding you back from moving on with your life and being happy,” she’d said after I complained about Emily refusing to get out of bed again.

  She’d never understand us. Emily and I were like two bodies who shared one soul and I didn’t know how you were supposed to give up your soul. I’d hung up on Dalila after she said it and didn’t talk to her for another month. I started talking to her again after a while but kept our discussions focused on school and trivial things.

  I heard the words in a new way when they came from Lisa. Her words always had a different effect on me. Maybe it was because she knew our early history so well or had years of training on how to say the right thing at the perfect time, but something about them made me stop feeling guilty about loving Thomas. I had enough love for both of them. I’d just have to prove to Emily that I’d still take care of her even with Thomas in my life.

  “Thank you.”

  She smiled again. “Anything else you want to talk about? Do you need anything from me? Anything at all?”

  “I don’t know if you know this or if Dalila told you, but Emily’s been really depressed again. Worse than before. I’ve been keeping Thomas a secret from her because I’m afraid of hurting her, but I want to tell her. I just don’t know how.”

  Lisa cocked her head to the side, studying my face. She was silent as she gathered her words. She always chose her words carefully. “I think Emily will understand.”

  “Do you?” My heart swelled. Lisa knew Emily as well as anyone besides me. I felt excited again.

  “I’m always here to help you. You know that. What do you think about us having a few sessions to talk about your relationship with Thomas and the effect it’s going to have on your relationship with Emily?”

  I didn’t even have to think about my answer.

  “I’d really love that,” I said.

  I wished I’d come to see her months ago when I first thought about it. She’d been there for every important milestone in our lives and could help us navigate this next transition.

  “Tell you what, why don’t you schedule a session next week? We can really start digging into what’s going on and come up with a plan.”

  “Absolutely.” I liked plans. I stood up. “How much do I owe you for today?”

  She rolled her eyes at me. “It was just really great to see you. Don’t worry about today. We’ll take care of all of the financial stuff next week when we start working together. I’m excited to be working with you again.”

  She smiled at me and then stood up and walked me to the door.

  “How are the Rooths?”

  “Good, I guess,” I said. “We don’t talk much since Emily got sick.”

  She opened her mouth and then closed it quickly.

  “I think it’s hard on them, too. I don’t think they want to deal with her depression again,” I explained. When we were in high school, Dalila became almost as depressed as Emily when she found out she was cutting herself. They didn’t like to talk about Emily anymore and had quit asking me about her. I played along because Emily didn’t want me to share how bad it’d gotten with them anyway, so it made it easier for everyone if we didn’t talk about her.

  “It was so good to see you. And I’m always here if you need me. Always.” Lisa put her arms around me and squeezed. “Take care of yourself and I’ll see you next week.”

  “I will,” I promised.

  4

  I didn’t get a chance to spend any alone time with Thomas until two days after I met with Lisa. It was important for me to tell him about it in person, so I waited until we were alone in his dorm room with a shoe propping the door open. It was seminary policy whenever a girl was in a guy’s room and vice versa, but it still made me giggle because it was so old-fashioned. It was as if I’d stepped into a weird time machine every time I was on his campus.

  “I’ve decided I’m ready for you to meet Emily,” I announced from my position on his bed with my homework laid out in front of me.

  He swirled around in his office chair scooting away from his desk and towards me. “Really?”

  I nodded.

  My announcement elevated our relationship to a different level. It was like asking your partner to meet your parents and I was sure he was beginning to doubt it’d ever happen. “But before you do, I’m going to need a few days to get her ready. I’ve got to prepare her and I also need to tell you a few things about her … about us.”

  The details of my and Emily’s life had trickled out in small chunks over the last year. He knew we were neglected by Mother because her main priorities were to get drunk and sleep with wealthy men. She searched for her Prince Charming in bars downtown, hoping one of her conquests would result in riches, but all she’d ever ended up with was us. I’d never known why she didn’t get rid of us or give us up when we were born. I’d spent years asking why she’d decided to keep us, but I’d given up on finding an answer a long time ago. None of her decisions made sense, and I couldn’t expect her decision to keep us to be any different.

  I’d shared with Thomas how she kept us locked in our bedroom for days while she was gone, but purposefully left out the parts about what happened when she let us out or how she usually kept us locked up even when she was there. This small window into her actions was already so incomprehensible to him and I didn’t want to shatter his innocence about humanity any more than I already had. His innocence was one of the things I found so attractive about him, and I didn’t want to defile it. He was naïve, even though he thought he was well traveled, given all of the mission trips he’d taken. Lots of women might’ve been turned off by his childlike faith in the world, but it was one of the things I liked the most about him.

  The only other part of our story I’d shared with him was how we’d been taken away from Mother—about the fire and going to live with the Rooths. I didn’t tell him how many healed fractures the doctors found when they x-rayed our bodies, the lice they found in our hair, or that
we had to have a feeding tube because we were so malnourished. The pain I saw in his eyes when I’d told him my edited version of the rescue made me want to cry, and just remembering that look still had the power to move me to tears. Sometimes I thought my past hurt him more than it hurt me. What he didn’t understand was that back then, I didn’t know anything else existed. I had no idea what the world was like outside of our apartment besides my fleeting experiences with the things I saw on TV, so I didn’t know I was missing out on anything. I had no idea there were other people who didn’t live like we did. And besides, I always had Emily.

  I also hadn’t told him about how bad things were now. He had no clue Emily was depressed and what a hard time she’d been having since we’d graduated high school and moved out on our own. If he was going to meet her, he had to be prepared for what he was getting himself into.

  “Emily has had a hard time since we moved out. I don’t know why. I think it might be because we left all the routines we had at the Rooths or something.”

  “But I thought you told me she was the one that wanted to move out?” he asked.

  “She was. She couldn’t wait, but I don’t think she knew how it would affect her until it actually happened. I know I told you she doesn’t work and that she doesn’t leave the house without me, but it’s more than that.”

  How could I explain what she was like now and who she’d become? I had to try.

  “She’s really depressed. She’ll sleep for days and then not sleep at all. Sometimes she doesn’t even shower or eat anything. I’ve never seen her so moody. She’s always been emotional, but it’s more than that. Like, one minute she’ll be bawling her eyes out and the next minute she’ll be angry for no reason. She gets really worked up and it can be impossible to get her to calm down. Sometimes she doesn’t talk at all. Other times, when she does talk, it’s completely incoherent. You just never know which Emily you’re going to get.”