Friends with Benefits_A Steamy College Romance

by Hazel Kelly

  “No?”

  He shook his head. “No.”

  Kick a guy when he’s down, why don’t you.

  “I know you guys have been hooking up all semester.”

  “Is that so?” I asked, summoning my best poker face.

  “Oh please. Zoey and I have been losing track of you guys at the exact same time for weeks.”

  I bit my tongue.

  “Plus, you blatantly stopped making lewd comments about her tits, which you’d only do if you’d seen them and didn't want to stop seeing them.”

  “What's your point?”

  “I don't have a point,” he said. “Just questions.”

  “Yeah, you and me both, but if you think I want to talk about this right now, I got bad news.”

  “I thought you were crazy about her?”

  I sighed. “I am.”

  “You’ve been so happy.”

  “I was.”

  “So what the hell are you making her cry for?”

  I was relieved to know she cared more than she let on, but the news only made me feel like a bigger jackass. “It's over.”

  “Why?”

  “It's complicated.”

  He stretched his arms wide. “You think I'm too dumb to get it?”

  “I don't think you're too dumb. I just don't think it's any of your business.”

  He scoffed. “You don't think Zoey's going to make it my business as soon as she finds out?”

  “It's not her business either.”

  “Carter.”

  “Logan.”

  “Are you really not going to tell me what happened?”

  “We broke things off,” I said. “The end.”

  “But why?”

  I ran my hand through my hair. “Because she's a freshman, Logan. She needs to meet people and experiment.”

  “You don't think she can do those things with you?”

  “No.” ’Cause I'm not man enough to share her.

  “I see.”

  I could tell he didn't fucking see. I could even hear in his voice that there was no genuine conviction there. “Look, it's not like you and Zoey, okay? She hasn't loved me from afar and dreamed about being with me for years.”

  He shifted his weight, his expression increasingly unimpressed.

  “What we had just sort of happened, and then it happened a few more times. It's not a big deal. She'll get over it.”

  “Will you?”

  I squinted at him. “What?”

  “Will you get over it?” he asked. “Because I don't want you to become a miserable jerk when you realize you’ve shot yourself in the foot.”

  “Get out.”

  “Carter, c'mon.”

  I chucked a pillow at him, knocking my bedside lamp to the floor in the process.

  Logan deflected the pillow onto the end of the bed. “You want me to help you clean that up?”

  I glanced at the shards of shiny ceramic. “No.”

  “Carter.”

  She was never going to speak my name again. Not to me, at least. Not in that way that made me feel important and masculine and fulfilled. “Get out.”

  Logan took a few steps towards the broken lamp, and I reached over and tipped my entire bedside table over onto it.

  He stared at me with actual fucking pity in his eyes.

  “Don't look at me like that.”

  “There’s no shame in admitting you made a mistake.”

  “I didn't fucking make a mistake, okay? I'm only trying to do what's best for her.”

  He scratched the back of his head. “I suppose if you're going to be this big of an asshole, she is better off without you.”

  “Helpful.”

  His shoulders sank with his next heavy exhale. “What do you want me to say when Zoey finds out and asks me how you are?”

  I bent my knees. “Tell her I've never been better.”

  “Forget I asked,” he said, heading towards the door.

  “Say you don't know.”

  “I'm not going to lie to the girl of my dreams,” he said. “It's bad enough that one of us has already done that.”

  “Did you come in here just to judge me?”

  He glanced at the edge of my bed but decided against taking a seat. “No. I came in here to ask if you wanted to go to Pete's.”

  “I told you I'm not interested.”

  His brows lifted. “You going to stay in and work things out with Nina?”

  “There's nothing to work out.”

  “She was really sad when I saw her, man.”

  I hung my head, desperate for a break from his disapproving gaze.

  “Whatever you said to her-”

  “I didn't say anything that didn't need to be said.” Okay, so that wasn’t strictly true, but what choice did I have? If I’d been softer, I might’ve lost my nerve and failed to break things off. Then where would I be? Sitting here waiting for her to break my heart?

  Fuck that. I had enough to worry about.

  “If you say so,” Logan said, opening the door.

  “I do.”

  He walked out without looking at me again, and the room felt even emptier than it had before he interrupted my sulking.

  Whatever.

  This pain was only temporary.

  I'd get over her just like I got over all the others.

  And I'd be fine. Back to my old self again in no time.

  Whether I liked the idea or not.

  T H I R T Y S E V E N

  - Nina -

  “You're going to have to see him eventually,” Zoey said, bending down to lace one of her sunflower boots.

  “That may be,” I said, adding another splash of vodka to my Bloody Mary. “But it doesn't have to be tonight.”

  “You're not even giving him a chance to have an epiphany.”

  I spun my desk chair around to face her. “What?”

  “What if one look at you is all it takes for him to realize he's made a mistake?”

  I cocked my head. “Don't you think he would've texted me by now if he thought he'd made a mistake? Even just to see how I was doing? It's been two weeks.”

  Her lips turned down at the corners.

  “Besides, being a naïve optimist about our relationship is what got me into this mess in the first place.”

  “Still.”

  “Look, I hate to leave you hanging, Zo. I know you have way more fun when I come out.”

  “I do!”

  I forced a smile to let her know I appreciated her enthusiasm, even though it never reached my eyes and did little to ease the ache in my chest. “What if one look at him makes me cry? Or worse, what if I get really shitfaced to overcome the awkwardness of it all, and I make an ass of myself? Then I'm no better than all the other girls he's fucked around.”

  “That's not true. You're not like them at all. You guys were friends first.”

  “Were we, though? I mean, even if that were true, he obviously doesn't think that highly of friendship. Or me. Or both.”

  She sighed as she bent down to tie her other boot.

  “For what it’s worth, I am sorry you're being punished over this.”

  “Apology not accepted,” she said, leaning back up.

  “I'll go out with you some other night,” I said. “I just can't go drink at the Beta house yet. It's too embarrassing.”

  “Embarrassing for who? If anything, he's the one who should be embarrassed. Don't you get how torturous it will be for him if you show up looking hotter than ever and don’t pay any attention to him?”

  “I don't think both of us being uncomfortable improves this situation for anyone.”

  “So that's it? You're just going to hide yourself away?”

  “I'm not hiding myself away.”

  “Bullshit!” she said, throwing her hands in the air. “You haven't even gone to Marple’s since he ended things.”

  Shit, was that true?

  “You haven't gone to the gym. You haven't offered to do my makeup an
d dress me up like a doll. You haven't made your bed.” Her arms were really waving now. “I assume you're still brushing your teeth, but-”

  “Of course I'm brushing my teeth.”

  “I guess that's something, but I'm not sure I see the point if you're not going to smile anymore.”

  “I haven't stopped smiling.”

  “Not only have you stopped smiling,” she said, crossing her legs. “But you've been scowling instead.”

  “Don't be so dramatic.”

  “Don't be so oblivious! You're acting like you've never had a broken heart before.”

  “’Cause I haven't!”

  Her face fell and her features softened. “What about your exes? I thought they were all horrible?”

  “They were.” I stopped squeezing the arms of my chair and lowered my voice. “It just never hurt this like before.”

  “Why do you think that is?”

  “Because I fell for him, Zoey. I fell hard and fast and irresponsibly.”

  She nodded.

  “And I get that we were only ever supposed to be friends with benefits, but I don't think that's what we were. It didn't feel like that. My other relationships did.” I hugged a knee to my chest. “Maybe that's why it didn't hurt as bad when they ended. ’Cause I never gave those guys anything more than my body. Hell, maybe that's why they all strayed. Maybe I was too guarded.”

  She took a sip of her vodka.

  “But I wasn't like that with Carter. I let him in. I trusted him.” I shook my head. “That was my mistake, though. Not his. He never pretended to be something he wasn’t.”

  “Don't make excuses for him. What he did to you is unforgiveable.”

  “Yet you think I should forgive him?”

  She dropped her chin. “I never said that. All I ever said was that you should try to talk to him one more time.”

  “I don’t see what good that would do. I have too much nasty stuff swirling in my head as it is.”

  “What if he's miserable, too, though?”

  My eyes found hers. “Is he?”

  She shrugged.

  “Well, how does he seem?” I asked, wishing I wasn't so desperate to know.

  “It's hard to tell,” she said. “He hasn't been around much.”

  I wondered who he was hanging out with instead.

  “Plus, Logan's pretty fucking pissed about the whole thing.”

  “That’s nice of him.” And somewhat comforting. “Doesn’t that go against the bros before hos rule, though?”

  “You’re not a ho.”

  I added a small squirt of tabasco to my drink. “I certainly feel like one.”

  “You shouldn't,” she said, reaching for the mascara on her desk.

  I watched her apply it in her round makeup mirror, silently wishing I was a more confident person. I wanted to be. I wanted to be the kind of woman that could strut myself in front of him without breaking, without being terrified he wouldn't notice me. After all, arguing with him was one thing, but what if I went to the house and he wouldn't even look at me? Then again, it was hard to imagine feeling any worse than I did now. “I was going to tell him, you know?”

  “Tell him what?” she asked, turning around and blinking at me with one set of dramatic lashes.

  “That I was falling for him. That I wanted to let myself fall further.”

  “Oh, Nina.”

  I glanced down at my hands and remembered how small they felt in his. “I wanted him to be my boyfriend.” When I looked up, her sad expression mirrored my own.

  “And he broke things off before you had a chance to tell him.”

  I nodded. “I know it sounds pathetic.”

  “No, it doesn’t,” she said, shaking her head. “And I'm so sorry.”

  “Don't be. It's the only silver lining on this whole situation. Can you imagine if I'd spilled my guts before he did it?”

  “Do you think that would've changed anything?” she asked. “If he knew you felt that way?”

  I furrowed my brow. “Why would it?”

  “I don't know. Maybe he would've at least been nicer about it.”

  I scoffed. “That wouldn't have been any better. If anything, the fact that he was an enormous jerk to me has made moving on easier.”

  “You don't really believe that.”

  “Of course I do.”

  “But you haven't moved on, Nina.”

  “I will, though. In time.”

  Doubt flashed across her eyes before she turned back towards her mirror and continued putting on her mascara.

  “This week wasn't as bad as last week, for example.” It was a complete lie, but I didn't want her to worry about me.

  “Save it.”

  “What? It wasn’t.”

  She stared at me through the mirror. “You cried yourself to sleep last night.”

  I swallowed. “I thought you were asleep.”

  “I was until you started crying.”

  “Why didn't you say anything?”

  She turned around again and fixed her kind eyes on mine. “Because I've been there, and I know better.”

  T H I R T Y E I G H T

  - Carter -

  I hadn't seen her in four weeks.

  Not in person anyway.

  I was creeping her social media like a lovesick dog, though. Not that there'd been any hits of dopamine in it for me. She hadn't so much as updated her status since we last spoke, much less put up any new pictures.

  If only I’d known how much I would miss her…

  Her smell. Her smile. Her sideboob.

  The way her emerald eyes sparkled in response to an unexpected compliment.

  If only I could explain things…

  Apologize. Tell her how I really felt. Try and make her understand why I'd blown everything up like this.

  But suddenly campus felt huge, as if we might as well be on opposite sides of the world. It was ridiculous, really. I usually ran into people I didn't want to see all the time, so why hadn't she and I crossed paths even once?

  It felt so unfair.

  If I could just get a glimpse of her, it would fix everything…

  I'd know instantly whether this sick sense of regret I felt was justified or whether I only wanted her now because I'd driven her away.

  Maybe she'd even let me speak before she threw a drink in my face? If she did, I’d admit I was a jealous freak and ask her to forgive me.

  Though I doubted she'd appreciate the mindfuck.

  Then again, maybe she wouldn't care. Maybe she was already over me.

  The thought left me as cold as when I thought of other girls.

  Granted, it would probably be good for me to get back out there, get laid a few times. But I physically couldn't. Just the idea of being with someone else left me feeling empty and uninspired.

  I used to think gorgeous women were a dime a dozen.

  When I first arrived on campus as a wide-eyed freshman, there were so many of them it made my head spin. But I didn't care what was between their ears back then. As long as they were wearing a smile and a short skirt, I was interested.

  But Nina changed all that. She was charming. And funny. And smart. And compelling.

  I didn’t just want to fuck her, I wanted to know her. Inside and out.

  Sometimes she even made me believe she wanted that, too.

  “You patch things up with, Nina yet?” Logan asked, setting another bottle of beer down in front of me.

  I sat forward on his futon and drained the one that was nearly empty before sitting back with the fresh one.

  “Still refusing to talk about it, huh?”

  I took a sip from my beer, wishing he would take a hint.

  “You know it's not too late to fix this.”

  I glared at him.

  He leaned back in his desk chair and started whittling an egg-sized block of wood. “If she loves you, she'll forgive you.”

  I scoffed. “Love.”

  “What about it?”

  I
tilted the bottle against my lips. “This has nothing to do with love.”

  “I know,” he said. “This is all about you being an idiot, but that doesn't mean you don't love her.”

  I clenched my jaw.

  “Though you certainly have a weird way of showing it.”

  “What would possibly make you think I love her?” I asked. “I broke things off with her.”

  “Precisely.”

  I rolled my eyes. “You're not making any sense.”

  “Love is a form of insanity,” he said. “And you've obviously lost your mind.”

  “I haven't lost my mind.”

  “You've lost, Nina, though, and it seems to have had the same effect.”

  I watched some wood shavings fall from his fidgeting hands. “Let's pretend you're right for a minute.”

  He laughed.

  “Imagine I apologize and tell her I want a second chance.” I swallowed the lump that rose in my throat. “What if she won’t give me one?”

  “Then you got what you deserve.”

  My neck jerked back. “Harsh.”

  “But true.” He stopped whittling and took a swig of beer.

  “Not worth it.”

  His face twisted as if he’d eaten something rotten. “Really? You don’t think your stubbornness is becoming a bit of a chore at this point?”

  “Whose side are you on here?”

  He cocked his head. “I'm on yours, dumbass.”

  “It doesn't feel like it.”

  “Sorry,” he said, grabbing a different whittling tool off his desk before dropping his eyes back to his hands. “But what the hell do you expect? Am I supposed to pretend you did the right thing by breaking up with her? A girl who never did anything but make you happy?”

  I squeezed the bottle in my hand.

  “You were in love with her before she ever even took you seriously.”

  I parted my lips to speak-

  “And then you threw her away like she was nothing.”

  “I did it for her own good!”

  His eyes were full of pity when he lifted them to mine. “Saying that over and over doesn't make it true.”

  “Whatever,” I said, my pulse pounding in my throat.

  “You going out tonight?”

  I squinted at him.

  “Oh right. You don't go out anymore. You stay in so you can masturbate and cry.”

  “Don't say it like that.”

  He furrowed his brow. “Like what?”