Remember This

by Patricia Koerner

  “Why are you saying all this? Just because John helped me to my seat at the funeral?”

  Dad picked up some newspapers from the empty chair next to him and tossed them onto the table in front of me. “This is why. I can’t believe people would do this. Where have decency and respect gone?” His voice broke and tears filled his eyes.

  I looked at the papers; cheap tabloids known for their lurid exposes, heavy on innuendo, light on facts. I read through one piece, headlined ‘Actor’s Gay Son Dead of AIDS.’ It insinuated Danny led a wild promiscuous lifestyle, the details provided by an “anonymous source.”

  “Nora!” I called. “Nora!” When she appeared, I practically threw the papers at her. “Take these … and burn them!” Nora, taken aback by my anger, stood frozen. “I’m … I’m sorry,” I stammered.

  “Just put them into the garbage, Nora,” Dad said gently. Turning back to me, he said, “I never want to see this happen to you nor to John.” He reached across the table and grasped my hand. “Listen to your old Dad now. Find a nice guy. Get married. You’re too young to live the rest of your life alone.”

  “I can’t even think about that now.”

  “Well, try. Try hard to think about it before you do what I know you’re planning.”

  ***

  “I thought you weren’t leaving until Sunday,” Dad said as he watched me bring my suitcases to the front door.

  “No, this evening. It’s the 2nd, remember? I have to begin rehearsals with Cosmos and there are pieces which still need work.” As I hugged and kissed Dad goodbye, I felt like a heel, lying to him, but I needed to be with John.

  I checked into the hotel in Santa Ana about two hours before John was due to phone. I would then tell him my room number so he could bypass the desk clerk and come straight to my room.

  When he arrived, I clung to him for a long time. “I don’t think I could get through this without you,” I told him. “Your being here with me means more to me than you know.”

  After sitting together in silence for some time, I asked John if he had seen the tabloids and the prurient stories they printed about Danny. “No. I never read those rags. Sometimes I’ll overhear the production assistants or office girls discussing things they’ve read, but I haven’t heard them talk about Danny.”

  I told John about the papers Dad showed me and the hurt and betrayal he felt. “Dad doesn’t deserve that. What right do they have to do that to him?”

  “None whatsoever. But since when has that ever stopped them? Look, what these scandal mongers say doesn’t matter. What matters is that he will be remembered by the people who loved him – you, your father, and his friends; long after those gossip sheets are in the landfill.”

  John was right of course and I was consoled by what he said. When he left, I felt good enough to order a small meal from room service and get a good night’s sleep, the first I had since I’d been in California. The next day, I phoned Laurie and Matty, swam in the hotel pool and walked the grounds. I thought again about what John said about how Danny would be remembered and resolved not to dwell any longer on the tabloid stories and focus instead on the many happy memories I would have of Danny.

  John returned that evening. “I’ve been thinking of you all day, worried about you. I tried to phone you, but you didn’t answer.”

  “It must have been when I went swimming. I’m sorry I made you worry.” I wanted to share some memories I had of Danny with John. He let me talk on and listened as I related some of the fun times Danny and I had together, including the one Danny and I shared just before he died about Mrs. Ragsdale and her show dog.

  When we finished laughing at that, John said, “Hannah, I’m so happy to see you laugh again.” He didn’t leave that night. He stayed beside me until morning. His love soothed and comforted me. Although I still needed time to work through my grief, I knew I would heal in time.

  “We’ll see each other again soon,” said John as he was getting ready to report back to the set. “I’m planning to take Kylie back East with me to visit my family. Rachel isn’t coming. She’s working and won’t be able to get away. I don’t know the exact date yet, but I’ll write you and let you know.”

  37

  Back in New York, I walked around for weeks with this big hole in my life and no idea how I was going to fill it. Soon though, I realized that Matty was coming in only a couple more days for his summer visit and that I needed to get groceries and to get the apartment cleaned and ready.

  I was at the market trying to decide between rye bread and whole wheat when a voice behind me said, “Why don’t you get both?”

  I turned to see a man standing there with an amused smile on his face. He was handsome, with black curly hair and big dark eyes that twinkled. “Oh, I’m sorry. I was in your way.” I stepped away from the bread display. Normally, I would have slipped away from him as quickly as I could, but there was something about him that made me stay. I couldn’t help but notice his elegant looks. My eyes lingered also on his trim moustache and full, soft looking lips. Finally, I stammered something about having to get on and finish my shopping.

  As I was exiting the market, the same man stopped me. He looked at my bags of groceries and remarked, “I see you took my advice and got both loaves of bread.”

  “Well, yes, it struck me as a good suggestion. Thank you, and it was nice to meet you.” I started to leave.

  “Guillermo Rivas. My name is Guillermo Rivas. And your name?”

  “Hannah Newman.” I blurted it out before I knew it. I immediately chided myself for giving my name like that to a stranger.

  “Would you like to go for coffee sometime? There’s a nice café on 96th Street.” When he saw my hesitation, he said, “I’ll give you my phone number and if you want to go, just call me. If I don’t answer, feel free to leave a message.” He handed me a slip of paper with his name and number written on it. “It was nice to meet you, too.”

  Once home, I put Guillermo’s phone number in my desk drawer and forgot about it. Matty arrived and I was so happy to see him and spend time with him. We went to a movie one day and another we rented horses and took a ride in Central Park. I began work with Cosmos on our next album and took Matty with me to the rehearsals. He kept all of us amused with anecdotes about his new friends and schoolmates as well as Tony and his associates.

  One day, I took Matty for a visit with one of his old school friends. On the way back, I passed that café on 96th. I remembered Guillermo, found his number in my desk as soon as I got home and phoned him. He was surprised to hear from me. After two weeks, he’d given up, figuring that I was already in a relationship or just not interested.

  I met him at the café and we talked so long I almost forgot to go pick up Matty. I learned that Guillermo was born in Cuba and came with his family to the States when he was ten years old. Most of his family lived in and around Miami. He worked for Ford Motors, representing them in Mexico and Central America. I told Guillermo only that I was a doctoral student at Columbia, that I was divorced and that I had a ten-year-old son who lived in Seattle with his father. When I had to hurry off, Guillermo wanted to make another date, but I put him off, saying I would be busy with Matty while he was in New York. In spite of my attraction to Guillermo’s suave manners and good looks, I didn’t want to get involved. My heart still belonged to John and I was eagerly awaiting his visit.

  The day after I put Matty on the plane to Seattle, I received the letter from John I had been waiting for, telling me when to expect him and Kylie. When I read the letter, I couldn’t believe what it said. I had to read it twice. John was still coming east to visit his family with his daughter, but Rachel would be making the trip with them. “They wrote her character off the show, so she thought it would be a good chance for her to visit both our families. I can’t very well tell her ‘no.’ What reason would I give her?” I couldn’t think of a plausible one either, but I was still bitterly disappointed. “I’ve been so worried about you,” he went on, “ab
out how you’ve been holding up after Danny’s death. We’ll be back in Los Angeles by August 15th. I’ve arranged with Laurie to pick up your letters. Please don’t be upset. I still love you so much and we will see each other again, I promise.”

  “How? When?” I thought to myself as I put away the letter. I didn’t have an answer for John, and it was several weeks before I wrote him, a generic recap of Matty’s visit and the album I was recording with Cosmos, scheduled for release in December.

  I thought about Guillermo. Could he possibly be the ‘nice guy’ my father urged me to find? I phoned Guillermo and suggested we have dinner and see a movie. The date went well, so I began seeing him as regularly as our schedules allowed.

  About that same time, I was surprised to learn that Simon McGrath wanted to record my song Young at Heart for his latest album. I had written it some years earlier for Matty, expressing my wishes and dreams for him as I watched him playing in our yard one summer day. I published it with the rest when I decided to pursue academic studies. I never thought that McGrath would ever choose a song like Young at Heart, since he was known for hard rock, but when the recording was released, I was pleased with his poignant interpretation. The song became one of McGrath’s bigger hits.

  Months previously, before Danny’s death, an indie movie producer approached me about Cosmos performing in a project he was developing. It was a movie about an American man’s sojourn through Egypt. After auditioning a number of groups, Cosmos was selected. We all were thrilled at this opportunity. We hoped to go on location, but unfortunately, the movie’s budget didn’t allow for it. In fact, only some of the exterior shots were taken in Cairo. The rest was filmed right here in New York.

  There was some overlap between putting the finishing touches on the album and rehearsing for our performance in the movie, so my schedule was hectic right up until Christmas. I didn’t see Guillermo for weeks at a time as he traveled often on business. On the day before New Year’s Eve, he returned from one such trip and gave me a photo of us in a beautiful sterling frame. It was taken at Rockefeller Center when we attended a concert there back in September. “I was hoping we could have many more times like this,” he said.

  I was torn. I still loved John but I felt he was now lost to me, in spite of the fact that we continued to write one another. There were too many obstacles between us now. My heart was severely conflicted, but I decided anyway to let my relationship with Guillermo deepen.

  The movie, Road to Amarna, was completed the next April. It was successful enough to be featured at the following year’s Sundance Festival. I and the other members of Cosmos loved being a part of it in spite of the sometimes grueling rehearsal and filming schedules. I believe though, that the experience made us a more disciplined, more professional group. As a result of the film’s success, Cosmos was invited to perform in the World Music Fair, to be held in August.

  In between all this, I was still working when I could on my dissertation and by September, it was near completion. I was ready to begin a search for an academic position. It was time to turn my career in a new direction. I focused my search on universities in the western part of the country. I had mixed feelings about leaving New York, but I wanted to be nearer to Matty.

  My relationship with Guillermo grew closer over that spring and summer. He accompanied me to the World Music Fair and even helped us with setting up for our performance. Our friends and associates pretty much considered us a couple by now. I continued to write John and knew that soon I would have to tell him about my relationship with Guillermo, but I kept avoiding it. I remembered how hurt I was when he told me about Rachel. I didn’t want to hurt him like that, but my Dad was right. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life alone. My hand was forced though, in late September. I had just completed my dissertation defense and Guillermo and I were out to dinner to celebrate when he suggested a trip to Miami so I could meet his family. “I want to introduce you to my family – as my wife.”

  I was apprehensive. “Are you sure about this? What if they don’t like me?”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. They will love you. I know it.”

  “OK, Memo,” I said, using his nickname. “Maybe it’s time for us to make it official.”

  It took me days to compose a letter to John telling him I was marrying Guillermo. I tried to find a good way to break the news, but I finally realized that there was no “good way.” The best I could hope for was to minimize the blow as much as I could. I made it a point to assure John that I still loved him as much as always, but I realized he had to honor the commitment he made and that I wanted a relationship of my own. I told him that I still wanted to keep the lines of communication open, that I never wanted to lose touch with him. At least twice on the way to mail the letter, I stopped and almost tore the letter up right there. I had a huge knot in my stomach when I reached the mailbox, but I opened it and threw the letter in before I could change my mind.

  ***

  Guillermo moved into my apartment on November 1st and we got married on the 9th. We held the wedding at my apartment, the ceremony performed by a judge. Although both Guillermo and I were raised Catholic, neither of us was religious and I in particular, was still bitter against God for taking Rosebud from me. I wanted nothing to do with Him or the Church. I just wanted a small simple affair and my apartment, decorated in fall colors and foliage, was just right for it. We invited only Dad, the friend he asked to bring, Guillermo’s sister Consuelo, Laurie and James and my fellow members of Cosmos. I didn’t have Matty come for the wedding as he was coming for Christmas in a little over a month anyway and Tony and I didn’t want him missing school.

  When I picked up Dad at the airport, I met his friend, a lady named Mabel Ferguson. She was vivacious and talkative and I imagined that she kept Dad amused. Dad had met her a few months previously at a meeting of a bereaved parents group and they hit it off. “I’m happy to see you’re finally taking my advice,” he said when Mabel was out of earshot.

  “Dad, I’m happy to see you taking your own advice,” I countered. I realized then how much Dad meant to me. With Mother and Danny gone, he was all the family I had left, save Matty. On impulse, I hugged him and held him tight. “I love you, Dad.”

  “I love you too, Honey. I want to see you have the happiness you deserve.”

  The ceremony was short and dignified. Dad gave me away and Laurie and Consuelo were our witnesses. The caterers did a wonderful job and soon I stopped worrying about the food and relaxed and enjoyed myself. The champagne flowed freely; a little too freely. One of the Cosmos members made a play for Consuelo. She took it in stride, but I was embarrassed. Laurie was not a habitual drinker and her third glass of champagne went straight to her head. She began giggling and stumbling on her words. “Sweetie, why don’t you lie down a while? I think you’ve had enough champagne,” James said. He and I led Laurie away from the party into my bedroom.

  “But I’m having fun. I’m so glad to finally meet Garmo … I mean Germo … I mean…”

  “Guillermo,” I corrected her.

  “Oh, why don’t we just call him Juan? He looks just like John, or didn’t you notice that? Seriously, if he was taller, he could be a Hispanic John … you know, a Juan!” She then collapsed onto the bed in uncontrolled laughter.

  I felt myself go hot all over. Laurie had just touched on something I never until then had been consciously aware of, something I definitely did not want to face, especially right then. I turned angrily on Laurie. “You’re drunk! And you’re making a disgusting spectacle of yourself. You stay in here until you get hold of yourself.’ I pointed my finger at her. “I mean it!” I looked over at James. He was so mortified he couldn’t look me in the face.

  “Hannah, I’m so sorry. I had no idea …”

  “Never mind,” I snapped. “Just keep her in here for now.” I then spun around and left the room.

  I needed a minute to compose myself before returning to the reception. I was relieved that no one was near t
he bedroom door to hear what went on. I put on a brave smile as I made the rounds, refilling everyone’s glass or offering more food. Guillermo said, “Where were you? We’re waiting to make the toasts.”

  “Oh, Laurie isn’t feeling well and James and I had her lie down in the bedroom.” I hoped he would buy that. Thankfully, he did.

  About a half hour later, James and Laurie emerged from the bedroom and stood near the front door. Laurie was in tears. “I’m so sorry, Hannah. I didn’t mean anything by that.” She tried to embrace me, but I stepped back from her. I was so angry with her, I just wanted her to go.

  “Why don’t you go back to your hotel and sleep it off. We’ll talk another time.” With that, I opened the door and stood there until she and James walked out. The next day, Laurie phoned me, but I had Guillermo tell her I was too busy to talk. I wasn’t ready yet to forgive her.

  Guillermo and I left on Sunday for Miami. We stayed with his family through Thanksgiving. During that time, we must have attended half a dozen barbeques and gone to as many dance clubs. I hadn’t known before, but Guillermo was quite a good dancer. I remarked on this to Consuelo.

  “He never told you? Why, Memo was the best salsa and cumbia dancer around here before he moved to New York. He was the star of the dance floor. In fact, that’s how he met his first wife. They were in a dance contest together and won.” A pensive look crossed her face. “I’m glad he’s here in Miami for a while. His kids have missed him.”

  I knew of course that Guillermo had two daughters by his first wife, ten-year-old Victoria and seven-year-old Olivia. We packed an extra bag just with all the gifts Guillermo had gotten for them. Being around little girls was and always would be difficult for me, but I enjoyed meeting them. They both were little fireballs, in constant competition for their father’s attention and he was more than happy to oblige. I saw a side of Guillermo I never had before.

  In spite of everything, I thought of John every day and once I had to retreat into the bathroom to cry. I wondered if I was ever going to be able to distance myself from him and move on. It was a given that I’d never stop loving him. Like Dad said, he was too much in my blood. On Thanksgiving Day, I phoned Dad. Talking to him gave me some comfort. He seemed to know how I was feeling though I said nothing about it. “Sweetie, when I lost your mother, I thought I’d never be happy with anyone else. But Mabel has added something special to my life. Be patient and time will work everything out. You’re getting your doctorate. You have a new husband. Try to focus on those.”