Beastly Lights

by Theresa Jane

  What if I was a terrible father? What if I was just like my father? Could I turn my back on this child as he had me?

  “Liam,” Freya prompted again, and I looked back at her, unable to hide my emotions. I was afraid. Everything I had convinced myself of over the past six months was unsteady. The only thing that was certain was that I wanted Freya. When I looked into her eyes, the world around me settled.

  “I’m sorry I ran,” I spoke, needing to fill the silence as my mind began to whisper insecurities. I couldn’t win her back. She had a life. She had made a life without me. How could I ever convince her that I was the man she deserved when I barely managed to convince myself most days?

  Ant said I had changed, but that man still lived inside of me.

  “Liam, what are you doing here?” she asked, but I could tell it wasn’t the question she wanted to ask.

  “I-I…you…why didn’t you tell me?” I asked, and she frowned for a moment, so I continued to speak, afraid I was scaring her off. “I know why you wouldn’t tell me. I was a mess when you left me. I wouldn’t let me see him either in the state I was in. But Freya, I’m changing. I’m different. I refuse to let myself be that man anymore, not when it means I have to live a life without you.”

  “Liam, what are you talking about?” She laughed nervously, and I looked back at the boy in the strange woman’s arms before I looked at her again.

  “Him? He’s…he is mine, right?”

  “Liam,” she began, and I felt my heart sink through the floor. Maybe he wasn’t mine. Had she really moved on with her life, without me? I was being a selfish bastard again. Of course she had moved on without me. Why would a girl like Freya ever hang around and wait for someone like me to get their act together? She was smart enough to realize I probably never would.

  “Freya, I know you don’t think I could handle a kid. I mean, I didn’t even know he existed until an hour ago.”

  “Liam, I don’t-”

  “I am changing, Freya. I’m not scared of having a kid. Not when it’s with you. Here,” I said, thrusting the bag into her hands. She looked stunned, and I felt my heart stutter to an ungraceful stop in my chest.

  “Liam, I need you to take a breath and think for a minute,” she smiled, pulling the small wooden train from the bag.

  “I love you, Freya,” I blurted, and her eyes grew wide. “I love you.”

  “Liam-”

  “I love you so much, Freya. I would flip my world upside down if it meant I could keep you in it. I didn’t realize before how much of my heart you had invaded but when you left…you took everything. For months, the only thought that could get me through the day was that I could find you. That I could prove to you that I was the man for you. Then, I spent the rest making myself him. I love you, Freya Coleman, and if I have to live another day without you, I’m not sure how I will survive.”

  “You still love me?” she frowned, spinning the wheels of the train. Her eyes clouded.

  “I can’t help but love you, Freya, and if you let me, I’ll love our child too.”

  “Liam, that’s not your child,” she chuckled, coming out of her trance and giving me a strange look. “I left seven months ago, Liam.”

  “I know when you left, Freya,” I frowned. I didn’t want to believe that she had moved on.

  “Good, do you know how long a pregnancy takes?” She wore a smug smile. Her arms crossed and her hip jutted out.

  “Shit,” I groaned. “That’s not our child.”

  “Not unless we made a mutant child that grows at an alarmingly rapid rate.”

  “So, we didn’t make a kid?”

  “Not that I know of,” she shrugged, moving over to the other woman. She watched us with an open mouth, engrossed by everything that was happening. Her mouth hung open as the boy in her arms tugged on her hair. She was too focused to notice.

  “That is Liam Henderson,” she spoke, dumbfounded, apparently after finally realizing who I was. “It is Liam Henderson? In my apartment building?" She looked like she was about to faint.

  “Anna, how about you take this for Alex?” she said, offering the toy train to the kid who immediately released the woman’s hair and started rolling the train over her face.

  “Liam,” Freya prompted, and I looked over to see her holding open the door I had initially thought was hers. It was the address the gallery had given me. I just thought I had gotten it wrong.

  Slowly, I moved past her into the apartment, hesitating for a moment when I brushed past her. I wanted to pull her into my arms, but I knew if I had any chance with her, it wasn’t going to be through forcing her to do anything she didn’t want. I was through deceiving her.

  Looking around her apartment, I couldn’t help the smile that spread across my face. It was covered in paint. Somehow, she had even managed to splatter the ceiling with it.

  The kitchen sink was filled with dirty paintbrushes and the small couch in the center of the room had smeared handprints all over it. Her bed in the corner of the room was buried beneath several layers of clothing. Each and every one of them splattered with paint.

  Besides the only window in the room sat an easel and canvas. Ironically, it was the only thing that didn’t seem to be covered in paint. Beside it sat an old looking guitar with many of the strings broken as well as three long gashes in the wood that almost looked like claw marks.

  I couldn’t stop myself from gravitating toward it. I gently picked it up and ran my fingers over the gashes, confused by why they were there.

  “I was angry at you,” I started at Freya’s voice, and I looked back to see her watching me. “I hated you for how you treated me, and I just needed to feel like I was hurting you. You love your music.” She shrugged.

  “Leaving me behind hurt,” I mused, still running my fingers over the grooves in the wood.

  “I needed to leave, Liam. We were one fight away from nuclear warfare.”

  “I know,” I sighed, moving to sit beside where she had perched herself on the couch.

  “I heard your song today,” she offered, and I felt every muscle in my body tense. I had never wanted to release it, but Wyatt did it behind my back. It was the last thing he ever did as my manager.

  I should have got rid of him after that first time he met Freya, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. I was afraid to let anything go. I was afraid tipping the boat too far in one direction would cause me to sink. My waters were filled with emotional perils, and I had spent years just trying to stay afloat. Until I met Freya.

  “It was beautiful,” she continued, tucking her chin into her chest.

  “You know I wrote it for you?” I asked, nervously strumming the only string on the broken guitar. It was horribly out of tune.

  “I gathered as much.”

  “I’ve really missed you,” I said softly, afraid of her response. My fingers had stilled and my eyes were locked on the scarred guitar.

  “I’ve missed you, too,” she whispered. So low, I almost missed it all together.

  “I’m not that man anymore, Freya. I got help. I grew up.”

  “I believed that once before, Liam,” she sighed, pushing up from the couch and moving over to her little kitchen.

  For a minute, she leaned against the bench before she spun and started to run the water. I heard the clatter of her paintbrushes and in between the noise, I felt a wall start to build itself between us. What if she never let me back in?

  “What can I do, Freya? What do you need from me to convince you that I have changed?” I asked desperately, feeling my chances slipping. I stood from the couch and moved in her direction, very aware that with every step I took, her shoulders would become just a fraction tighter.

  “I’ve made a life here, Liam," she began, and I felt hope spark inside of me. She seemed uncertain, like she was searching for an excuse. “My art is in a gallery; I am finally doing something.”

  “If geography is the problem, I’ll move here. I�
�ll buy a place down the street. I’ll take you on real dates. I’ll start from the beginning. I’ll put everything on hold indefinitely. I will live wherever you are.”

  “Liam, tell the truth,” she sighed, dropping all the brushes back in the sink with a clank. “You couldn’t give up everything you have worked for. You can’t give up your…your life.”

  “I will. I would do it in a heartbeat if it meant I could have you,” I implored, reaching for her hands and spinning her to face me. The look I saw in her eyes didn’t fill me with confidence, but I plowed on anyway.

  She needed to hear what I had to say. I wouldn’t leave until I had tried everything to get her back. “Don’t you get it, Freya? There is nothing I wouldn’t do to be by your side. I’d sell all my guitars, give away all my money, and turn my back on fame if I thought that was what you wanted. What do you want, Frey?” She continued to watch me with her guarded expression, as if testing to see if my words were true. With every silent minute that went by, I felt my heart clenching tighter and tighter until I was certain all the blood had been squeezed from it.

  What did she want?

  “I want to go home,” she said in a tiny voice. Her shoulders slumped before she looked at me again. “I miss everyone. I miss Lucy and Jarred, Davis and Charlie, and there’ll be another baby soon. I miss Ant and Ryan. I miss my brother. I want to be there for him. I want to support him through this. I like my life here, but it isn’t home." She never said she missed me.

  “Why don’t you?” I asked cautiously, running my thumb over the knuckles of her left hand.

  “I’m afraid.”

  “Afraid of what? Freya, they all want to see you come home, but you would know that because you’ve obviously been speaking with them,” I replied bitterly. She had spoken to everyone but me and yet still in the back of my mind, I knew I didn’t deserve anything from her.

  “I felt bad leaving without saying goodbye, and then I missed them too much to stop.” No one had told me they had been in contact with her. They had all hidden it from me.

  “I told them not to tell you,” she said as if reading my thoughts.

  “Did you ever miss me?” I asked, my voice tight with emotion. I ducked my head to hide the redness I knew was building in my eyes. I had no right to feel hurt after all the times I had hurt her and the promises I had broken.

  “Liam,” she sighed before her hand came to rest against my cheek. I leaned into her warmth, feeling it seep through my skin and spread through my body like the first gasping breath of air after being underwater. “I missed you every single day.”

  “What?” I frowned, shattered from the trance she had left me in. My eyes shot to hers, and my heart stayed stationary in my chest.

  “Every day, I thought of catching a plane back to you. I knew even when I finally got my pieces in the gallery that the only person I wanted to tell was you. The only person whose opinion I needed was yours. Every day, I forced myself to ignore anything that reminded me of you because every time I saw your face or heard your voice, I fell apart. I ran out of coffee shops in tears because your song was on the radio and I had no way of escaping it.

  “Every night for a month, I cried myself to sleep because I thought I had made a mistake leaving your behind. Then I denied it. Then I tried to fill the hole that you had left, but there was nothing that would keep the pain at bay.” Tears were falling from her eyes, and instinctively I reached for them, brushing them aside and wishing I could do the same with all the pain I had caused her.

  “Freya,” I sighed, pulling her in close. My chin rested against the top of her head. My arms wound tightly around her trembling body. I couldn’t help but pull her closer. I never wanted to let her go again. “You were right to leave. I was a wreck. I was barely keeping my head above water. I was so filled with guilt I couldn’t even see clearly.

  “I knew the man you needed, but I also knew I was never that man. Every moment you were with me, I thought you would leave me. I thought you would finally figure out my ruse and leave. I’m in a better place now. I’m a better man, and I’m working toward being the one you deserve. I know it will take me my lifetime, but I want to spend my lifetime proving it to you.”

  “You don’t need to prove anything to me, Liam,” she murmured, her arms finally wrapping around me.

  “I’m not perfect, Freya. I once promised you perfection, and I’m sorry. The best I can promise is that I will try. I know I will fall along the way, but I’m too selfish to live my life without you.”

  “I’m tired of feeling like a piece of me is missing,” she sighed, nuzzling into my chest.

  “You could have come home anytime.”

  “I didn’t know where home was anymore," she answered flatly, and I felt my arms tighten around her.

  “What about now?” I asked, my heart leaping into my throat as I waited for her response.

  “Here,” she muttered. One of her hands shifted and instead rested against my heart, its rapid beat pulsing against her fingers. “My home is right here.”

  “God, I’ve missed you,” I breathed, lifting her feet from the ground and pressing my lips against hers like a starved animal receiving its saving meal.

  Her arms came up around my neck and her legs wrapped around my waist, but it still felt like there was too much space between us. It had been so long since I had held her and it was sending my body’s senses into overdrive.

  Every touch was like flames against my skin, and her scent dominated every breath. I needed her closer. I needed more of her.

  “Liam,” she gasped, tugging lightly at the ends of my hair, causing me to reluctantly pull away. I barely restrained the growl building in my chest at being denied, but I knew I was on shaky ground. Her forgiveness and her trust were tentative, and if I were to push her too far, I was terrified that she would disappear again. I was afraid this time, I wouldn’t be able to find her.

  “Freya,” I prompted roughly. I ran my hands down her sides while slowly walking us in the direction of her bed. If you could even call that mess a bed.

  “I don’t think-” she broke off when my lips made contact with her neck, and instead all she could do was release a breathy sigh.

  “Stop thinking,” I murmured against her warm skin and lowered her onto the disaster zone.

  “You’re a nutcase,” she laughed, running her hands through my hair and avoiding my kisses. “A baby,” she scoffed, laughing again and tugging gently at my hair.

  “Shut up and kiss me,” I smirked, loving to hear her laugh again as her green eyes shone a shade brighter. I was never letting this girl go again. She owned every heartbeat, every breath, and every moment from this moment till everyone that came after. She was all I would ever need.

  Chapter 49: Arrivals

  It was as if I had never left. Even after months of being away, the city felt the same. The traffic was chaotic and the people even more so. The only thing that seemed to have changed was the man sitting beside me.

  Daryl and Martin were in the front of the car, navigating the lawless traffic, and Liam was sitting beside me, barely managing to keep his eyes open. His eyes would droop, then his head would tilt forward only to tip back moments later in alarm as he tried to correct himself. Then the routine would start all over again.

  My beautifully handsome rock star was more bedraggled and worn down, not only from the past few days, but I would wager the many months we had spent apart. His clothes were wrinkled and probably not Ryan-approved, and he had dark smudges under his eyes. He was a mess, and I knew I was his double. Neither one of us had escaped unscathed from our mutual destruction, but we were together now.

  Liam had called the very next morning to fly his jet home to the States, and I was more than happy to climb on that plane. No matter what I had told myself in Amsterdam, it wasn’t my home. It was just a place that held fond memories of the man I was desperately trying to avoid but deep down knew was impossible to escape.

/>   Liam hadn’t let me go since the moment he had me in his arms. He always held me, whether it was my hand in his or his hand against my lower back, guiding me through the hectic airport or pressing me close during take-off. He kept me close, his touch reminding me that he was real and he was mine. He reminded me that I was his, very vividly, while we were on his private jet, making us members of a very exclusive club several times over.

  Now, we were headed for Lucy and Jarred's place despite Liam’s protests. He wanted to go home and repeat our exploits from the plane in his…our new bedroom. While I was excited to see the new house he had bought for us, I wasn’t sure I was ready to live with him again just yet.

  I liked being on my own and I liked what he had said about going back to the beginning. I wanted him to come to my door and take me out on a date and then drop me home at the end of the night. I wanted to feel the anticipation of our next date and wait anxiously by the phone for the moment he would text me. I wanted something less…Hollywood and more mundane.

  Secretly, I wanted him to work for it but more importantly, I wanted to make sure he really had changed. A new house and a new manager did not make a new man, but all signs were pointing in the right direction.

  “Miss Freya, we should arrive in under five minutes,” Martin whispered from the passenger seat. He glanced at Liam with a warm smile on his face, and I knew he was happy for his boss. The worn-out little rocker boy had finally given in and passed out beside me, although his hand was still holding tightly to mine. Even in his sleep, he was afraid to let me go.

  “Thanks, Martin,” I nodded, shuffling closer to Liam. I was reluctant to wake him, but I knew he would be upset if I left him in the car.

  “Liam,” I whispered, running a gentle hand down the side of his face. He stirred slightly but remained asleep. I tried again, but all he did was let out a contented sigh and pull the hand he held closer to his chest.