Love In Darkness

by E. M. Tippetts

  Her hand catches my wrist and I stop walking. Before I know it, she has her arms around me and her face buried against my neck. That soft, perfectly proportioned body is pressed right up against mine.

  “Madison-”

  A kiss at the base of my jaw manages to hit every nerve ending in my upper body. I should ask her to stop, but instead I kiss her forehead and inhale the sweet scent of her skin. The feel of her in my arms is so good, it’s painful.

  She leans up to kiss me on the lips, and at least I have the sense to pull back. “Don’t okay?”

  At that, she collapses against me, her ribs shuddering as if she’s fighting back tears.

  Madison never cries. She spent her whole childhood ignored and battered by an emotionally abusive mother. Her feelings are not something she puts on display. The last time I saw her cry was after Kailie’s suicide attempt. Carefully I lower her to sit next to me on the pavement, stroking my fingers through that silken hair and wishing I could just kiss and kiss her and forget about the consequences. I don’t notice the chill in the air anymore, or mind that I’m seated on cold concrete. Her ribcage shudders again and her fingers grasp at my shirt. I don’t deserve this, to have such an amazing person want to be with me so badly.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispers, between sniffles.

  “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

  “Alex, I love you.”

  Okay, I didn’t think this could get more painful, but those words lance me straight through the heart. I cup her cheek in my palm and lean my forehead against hers. “I don’t deserve that.”

  “Because you don’t even like me anymore?”

  “I more than like you, Madison.” It’s hard to breathe, my chest is so tight. “Listen to me. I hear voices. I just saw a swarm of rodents that don’t exist in the theater. My medication seems to help for now, but what if it doesn’t always?”

  She blinks more tears out of her eyes and looks up at me.

  “My condition is for real, okay? What happened in Japan wasn’t an isolated thing.”

  “I know that. Come on. You think I care?”

  “I care.”

  “But this is my decision.”

  I shake my head. “I’ve screwed up so many things with you, I’ve got to get this right. Even if the risk of me ending up like my mom is small, it’s still there. It’s because I care about you that I don’t want you to risk becoming the one to dole out my medications and choose which institution to lock me up in for the rest of my life. You can do so much better than that. You deserve to never even have to think about this.”

  “It’s not your fault-”

  “I know, and I know you’d never hold it against me, but this could be a rotten life for you. I know this, all right? I’ve lived that life, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, least of all you. You can get out of this so easily. Just…” My next breath catches in my throat and before I can stop myself, I kiss her temple and down the side of her cheek, her skin warm against my lips. When she turns her head to kiss me on the mouth, I force myself to stop while raw emotion floods into my chest. I want to hit something or run from here. My hands begin to shake as I try to keep control. The thing about being with Madison and trusting her as I do, is that I can’t keep up the façade any longer.

  “Alex?”

  “Please. You know what my biggest nightmare is? Trapping you. I swear, it’s all I can think about some days.” I shut my eyes. Madison’s embrace is so perfect, so comforting. Nothing would be easier than to kiss her and tell her I love her. I stroke her cheekbone with my thumb. “If there were a cure for my condition, I’d be with you, no question. No question. I’ve never lied about how I feel about you, ever.”

  She’s gone silent, though.

  I continue to hold her, even though I know I should stop. Her escape route is so clear. She just needs to let us be over and move on and she’d be out of the woods, forever. Me and my issues wouldn’t affect her. Which means I need to let go of her now, but this feels amazing, even better than it did when we were together.

  “Can I… ask you something?” Her voice is timid.

  “Yeah.”

  “What were things like with other girls?”

  I pull back and look down at her. “What other girls?”

  “People you dated before me.”

  “I didn’t date anyone before you.”

  “You didn’t?”

  “No. Come on, you would know. It’s a small town.”

  “I just assumed you at least hooked up with people.”

  I lift an eyebrow. “Without talking to them?”

  “Well, yeah. That wouldn’t have bothered a lot of girls.” Her gaze is dead serious, no hint of joking around.

  “Do I really seem like the kind of person who would do that?”

  “I don’t know. You always seemed different for me than you were with everyone else.”

  “No,” I say, “you just knew me and I trusted you. That was the only difference.”

  She bites her lip as if it’s my last statement and she’s chewing it over. Her expression goes from disbelief to bewilderment, to curiosity. Her hand drops away from my chest and she sits back to look me over, as if for the first time. “So… wait, that time in the bathroom… that was your first kiss? No it cou-”

  “Yeah.”

  “It was?”

  “Now you know why I didn’t dare kiss you on the mouth. I let you take the lead there.” This admission ought to be mortifying, but with her, I can just look her in the eye and say it.

  “Holy crap, Alex. It was amazing. You were amazing. I mean, seriously?”

  “You’ve always been kind, and yes. Seriously. You were the only one, ever.” Despite the topic, this conversation relaxes me. It’s easy to talk to her.

  “You’re a virgin?”

  I laugh. “No, Madison, I never kissed or even talked to another girl but I slept with tons. Of course I’m a virgin, unless there was an incident sometime when I was way too drunk to remember, but I doubt it. This is me we’re talking about. Social reject. Mental issues. Not exactly a great catch.”

  “I… wow. I just assumed…”

  I laugh harder. I can’t help it. She knows me better than anyone, and it’s incredible what she still doesn’t know.

  Now she’s laughing with me, those eyes lit up with amusement. “I was so jealous of all these other girls who’d been with you, and then you joined the Church before getting together with me, which meant I could never have you that way. Not while we were dating at least.”

  “You were jealous?”

  “Beyond jealous. You kidding? You’re seriously hot.”

  “Well, sorry to burst your bubble, but I’d have been no good at it and it would probably have been awful for you. Though you’re free to imagine me being really good at it… I guess…” Not the kind of thing you usually say to an ex-girlfriend, or anyone for that matter.

  But if Madison finds it odd, she gives no sign. “Well, if I’d ever had the chance, I’d have given you plenty of practice. I’d have put you on a regimen, all right? For your own good.”

  This is the most inappropriate conversation I’ve ever had with anyone, and I’m pretty sure it violates some Church handbook or policy somewhere.

  Madison falls silent and continues to look me over.

  I take a deep breath and will her not to stop. See me, I think, see that I’m not worth all these tears and all this effort. See that I’m just some overgrown loser with no future and no plan for my life.

  Only, her expression doesn’t turn to disgust or enlightenment. She reaches up to stroke my cheek and I shut my eyes, unsure of what to say or do.

  I hear the rustle of her clothing as she moves in closer and feel her breath on my lips. I brace myself as she touches her mouth to mine, so gently that there’s barely any contact. I sit still as stone, my hand gripping her shirt tighter and tighter. She holds the kiss until I feel her tremble, then she leans in and I taste her, the salt of movie t
heater popcorn and the barest hint of cherry lip gloss.

  She’s in my arms now. I kiss and kiss and kiss her, running my fingers down her spine and hearing her familiar gasp.

  “She’s clearly desperate,” rings out one of the voices.

  “Pathetic.”

  “She’ll kiss anyone, you know?”

  “He doesn’t even know what he’s doing.”

  I try to tune them out, but this time they just laugh at my attempts.

  “Alex.” Madison touches my cheek. We’ve stopped kissing, though I don’t know when.

  “I’m sorry,” I say. “I can’t… we can’t, okay?” There’s enough adrenalin in my system to wake an elephant from a deep coma. I shake, and will myself to ignore the voices, but I don’t have the control I did moments ago. No surprise there.

  “Are you okay?” she asks.

  I force my chest to expand and draw in the chill, humid air. I hold my breath while the air warms inside me, then expel it. “You should get inside,” I say. “You’ll miss the movie.”

  “You’re okay?”

  “Yeah,” I lie. “Yeah, I’m good. Go on.”

  “I… I’m not going to leave you here.”

  I smooth my hair back, and, with a steadiness I don’t feel, get to my feet. The cold from the sidewalk has soaked into my muscles, making me clumsy. We don’t hold hands or even look at each other as we make our way back to the theater.

  Standing out front is a very irate looking John. “Here you are,” he says.

  “We were just talking.” Madison’s voice is flat. She never was a good liar.

  “What about?” It’s me he glares at, though.

  “Just catching up,” she says.

  “Catching up, huh? On what?”

  “Come on. Leave it alone.” She’s irritated. I can hear it in her voice. Why can’t he?

  He looks me over and I know he sees everything, the kiss, my fingers stroking her skin. His hand balls into a fist and he takes a step towards me. “Listen.”

  “John,” says Madison.

  “If you really cared about her, you’d leave her alone. But that’s only if you care about her more than yourself.”

  I’ve often predicted that if it came to blows between me and John, I’d just let him pummel me out of respect for Madison. This turns out to be false. One punch and he’s down.

  “Alex!” Madison’s more than shocked. She’s a little scared.

  I hold both hands up in surrender and back away. Yeah, that is, without a doubt, the stupidest thing I’ve ever done, which is saying something. Before this it would have been the time I dented a police cruiser with a rock while the cop was at the wheel.

  John mutters as Madison helps him sit up. “You okay?” she asks.

  I get out my cellphone and dial. The voices in my mind go quiet, and that’s unnerving in its own way, because I didn’t make them do that. They decided on their own.

  “Hello?” Officer Li answers.

  “Hey, can you have the dispatcher send someone to the theater in Sequoia Ridge?”

  “What’s going on?”

  “I just knocked a guy out. They’ll want to book me.”

  “Do I want to know why?”

  “Just send someone.”

  “You okay? You sound pretty rough.”

  “I’m trying to report a crime, not start a therapy session.”

  I lean against a nearby car. Madison gets John to his feet and ignores his attempts to shake her off. With a fearful glance at me, she escorts him into the lobby of the theater. Neither of them look back as they head down the hall to the movie. A sensible voice in the back of my mind yammers that they should check him for a concussion, not just take off.

  “What happened, Alex?” Officer Li’s voice is firm.

  “John was giving me heat over Madison.”

  “Yeah, okay. Listen, I’m almost there.”

  “This isn’t your jurisdiction.”

  But his cruiser glides around the corner and parks in front of me, sleek and silent as a panther. Officer Li rolls down the window.

  Belatedly, I hang up my phone and put it in my pocket.

  “You okay?” His demeanor is all wrong. The guy who’d show up with a superior smile, handcuffs dangling from his fingers, is history.

  “I’m not the guy who got hit,” I say.

  “You’re also not a guy who picks fights.”

  “Excuse me? You booked me for battery how many times?”

  “Well, you don’t run away from fights either, but you don’t start them. You always play it cool until the other guy throws the first punch. What did John say?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Alex, what’s going on?”

  I fold my arms across my chest and glare at him, feeling for all the world like I’m a teenager again, sitting in that stupid holding cell with the gray walls on two sides while Officer Li writes me up. Only I’m not in that cell, or even arrested.

  “Are you letting me off because I gave your son some rocks and you the name of a doctor? That what this is?”

  “Nah. I’ve just learned a few things in the years you’ve been gone.” He gets out of his cruiser and leans back against it, mirroring my posture. “Tell me what happened.”

  “John, Madison’s brother, thinks I’m trying to get back together with Madison.”

  “And he’s being an arrogant S.O.B. about it.”

  “S.O.B.?”

  “I’m trying to be respectful of your culture. You’re a Mormon.” The corners of his mouth turn up in a smirk. “Or is using abbreviations also too much?”

  “I knocked him down. Got him really good.”

  “Serves him right.”

  “What? You can’t just let it go.”

  “Look, cracking down on every single possible crime isn’t the same as serving justice. I mean, I used to help beat up the hall monitor type in high school, so don’t ask me why I didn’t figure that out sooner. If I book you, this thing’ll blow up into more trouble than it’s worth.”

  “So you just let people lose their tempers and punch each other out?”

  “I’ll let people take the consequences of their actions sometimes. If John wants to bait you and act superior, I’m not gonna help him.”

  “Why are you being nice to me? Do you think you owe me? Because any moron could tell you about your kid’s condition, all right?”

  “Calm down. Sheesh.”

  “Why aren’t I in handcuffs right now?”

  “Because you don’t deserve to be. John’s a good guy with an ego the size of California. Everything he says and does is right because he said or did it. He thinks he knows what’s best for everyone.”

  “He still has rights. People can’t just knock his lights out.”

  At that Officer Li laughs.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “You are. Or I am. I mean, I treated you like a lowlife delinquent for years, and listen to you, preaching at me about social responsibility. I deserve this moment, completely. I’m just sorry for being such an idiot all those years.”

  “I do not understand what you are saying. I can just go punch people-”

  “Look, you want me to throw the book at you? I’ll give you a warning and some unsolicited advice, which coming from me is probably worse than a mild prison sentence, so consider this your punishment. You punch a guy hard enough to leave a mark, it almost doesn’t matter how badly he deserved it. Everyone will side with him. I don’t need to punish you. You’re going to be the target of some nasty gossip these next few days.”

  I look down at my feet.

  I hear Officer Li walk off, and look up just in time to see him disappear into the theater. I look around the parking lot, at his cruiser blocking several cars in. What is going on?

  A moment later he exits the theater and comes over to me, some cash in his hand. “Here. Your ticket money.”

  “You can get refunds from this place?”

  “I can. And given what the
y charge, I always do. Come on. Get in the car. In the front seat,” he adds as I head for the rear door.

  It feels very surreal to get into the front seat of his cruiser. I’ve never sat here before. I buckle my seatbelt, then pick at my thumbnail.

  Officer Li picks up his radio and rattles off his location, where he’s going next, and a bunch of codes. I wonder which ones describe me and how they translate.

  I remember the shocked, horrified look on Madison’s face when I knocked her brother down and I shake my head. What an idiot I was, and the voices in my head have nothing further to add. I wish they’d speak up and hurl some insults or something.

  “How’ve you been feeling?” Officer Li asks as he puts his car into gear.

  “I dunno… I had to up the dosage of my medication last week.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “I hear voices all the time. Or, almost all the time. They seem like higher beings, making comments about the lives of us mortals.” Why, I wonder, am I telling him this?

  “But do you think they are?” His question is serious. He doesn’t chuckle or roll his eyes.

  “No. They’re just my mind playing tricks on me. But it does it all the time. They call me a Chosen one. It’s like a bad fantasy novel.”

  “Gotta be rough.”

  “They’re a constant reminder that I’m a headcase.”

  He looks over at me and opens his mouth to say something, but just then his phone rings. “Carla?” he answers it. “Yeah… what’s he doing? Okay. Yeah, I hear him. It’s okay, relax.” He’s on edge.

  It’s obvious that Carla is his wife and something’s happened with Mikey.

  “Breathe,” he says into the phone. “I’ll… I’ll be right there, okay? Stay calm.” He puts the phone to his chest and says, “I am really sorry, but I need to stop by my place. That all right?”

  “Of course.”

  He puts the phone back to his ear. “I’ll be there in a min, okay? Just relax. Okay… yeah. Bye. Love you.”

  “Tantrum?” I ask.

  “Yeah. He’s had a few bad ones and my wife’s not handling it well. It’s funny, the person you think you married and who you find yourself with a couple years later. That sounds bad. I don’t mean to say it’s been a letdown, just a surprise. She was the one who could handle anything when we got married, you know? This… she’s having a real rough time with this.”