by Durango, M.
Knowing that arguing was pointless, Matt turned off his computer screen and followed Alison, keeping the conversation focused on work topics.
Christian was behind the counter, but was apparently still angry at Matt, rebuffing his attempts at small talk but chatting easily with Alison. Christian’s slight wasn’t lost on either of them; Matt hoped Alison wouldn’t mention it.
No such luck. “He didn’t seem very happy to see you,” she commented.
Matt shrugged. “He got pissed at me because I didn’t know his finals schedule.”
Alison looked at him, frowning. “Really? That seems kind of random.”
Matt sighed, trying to explain without giving too many details. “I was here for coffee and asked him if he wanted to grab dinner. He got all pissed because he’s got finals and apparently I’m supposed to be a mind reader.”
“Huh.” Matt hated when she said that; he knew it meant she didn’t really believe him. “Did he not tell you his schedule?”
“I don’t know. Maybe. What difference does it make?”
Alison gave him her patented “poor clueless Matt” look and shook her head. “Matty, honey. I know you could give a damn about whether or not I know what nights you go to the gym and what sports shows you schedule your time around, but most people do actually care about things like that.” Alison continued over Matt’s attempt to respond. “And don’t give me that ‘I don’t know anyone’s schedule’ crap, because we both know that’s not true. You’re fine with it as long as it’s me and Sam because you trust us, but you won’t find other people to trust unless you put a little something out there in exchange.”
“Put something out there? Al, he’s a guy I give a ride to occasionally.” Matt defended himself even as he wondered if Alison suspected his relationship with Christian went beyond the occasional ride home; he quickly pushed the thought aside. “Besides, how am I supposed to guess what’s important to people?”
“It’s not that difficult, Matt. If you claim to be friends with someone but show no real interest in their life, you’re not going to have a very long friendship. Look, I’m not trying to lecture you, but you’re always a little clueless when people get pissed at you and you need to get over that.”
Matt begrudgingly agreed, feeling like he was being scolded for being immature. “Katie did say I could be an insensitive asshole.” Leave it to Alison to point out his flaws.
“So, are you going to apologize?” Alison stopped outside the door to their building.
Matt was almost convinced that Alison knew he and Christian were maybe more than just friends. He wasn’t comfortable with the idea, but she didn’t seem to be judging him — not for that, anyway. “Maybe,” he finally conceded.
Alison looked like she wanted to say more, but changed the conversation back to their project as they entered the building.
Maybe Christian did have reason to be angry with him; maybe he was being insensitive and inconsiderate. And maybe it was weird that they were spending so much time together — much of it naked — and they hadn’t exchanged phone numbers or emails.
Chapter Ten
Matt spent a lot of time over the next few days thinking about what Alison had said and tried to sort out his feelings about Christian, about their relationship, about himself. He suddenly felt like he was at a crossroads and the options were moving forward or staying stuck. His liked his life before he met Christian just fine; now, though, considering staying on that path, he wondered how he’d feel years from now. Would he still be content or would he just be alone and grumpy?
Of course, once he had decided to talk to Christian the next chance he got, work refused to cooperate; it was Friday by the time Matt managed to leave work on time and catch Christian at the end of his shift.
Matt only had to wait a minute or two before Christian came out of the café. Matt watched the conflicting emotions cross Christian’s features when he saw Matt — surprise, caution, settling on a wary smile.
Matt shoved his hands in his pockets as Christian crossed the short distance between them.
“Hi, Matt.”
“Hi. I. Um.” Matt’s carefully prepared words flew from his mind in the face of his nervousness. He tried again. “I was wondering if we could talk.”
Christian’s eyebrows shot up. “Talk?” He turned away from Matt and unlocked his bike. “I don’t know.” He paid great attention to coiling the lock around the bar and securing it in place.
Matt ran his hand through his hair. “Look, I’m really not good at this. I want to talk about what you said last week. If you have time. We don’t have to do it now.” Shit. Matt felt himself on the verge of babbling and clenched his jaw to keep more words from spilling out.
Christian looked at him for a long moment, seeming to assess him before agreeing. “Yeah, okay. I don’t have any plans, anyway.”
Matt’s jaw unclenched and he let out an audible breath of relief. “Cool. I can drive.”
Christian nodded, a ghost of a smile on his lips. “Okay.”
Matt was unaccountably nervous waiting for Christian to put his bike in the truck and buckle himself into the passenger seat.
Matt stopped and turned before pulling out of the spot, reminding himself that assuming where they stood with each other was what got him into this predicament in the first place. “Is it okay if we go to my place? Or would you rather go somewhere else?”
Christian shook his head. “No, your place is fine.”
They rode in silence; Christian’s uncharacteristic stillness letting Matt know the other man was as tense as he was.
“So. How were your exams?” Matt grabbed on the first semi-neutral topic he could think of to cut through the awkwardness.
Christian made a pained sound and dropped his head against the seat dramatically. “Horrible. Long. I had writer’s cramp by the end.”
“Oh. So does that mean you didn’t do as well as you wanted?” Matt hated to think that Christian did poorly, especially if he was to blame somehow.
Christian rolled his head to face Matt. “I said they were horrible, I didn’t say I did badly. Probably a couple of As and a B. All of my papers are done, too, so now I just have to wait a couple of weeks for grades to come out.”
“Cool.” Matt didn’t know what to say next and Christian didn’t offer any helpful conversation starters.
The rest of the drive passed in awkward silence.
Once inside Matt’s condo, Christian made it obvious Matt needed to make the first move.
Matt took a deep breath. “Um. I guess. Shit. Are you hungry?”
“No, I’m okay, but I’ll take a beer if you have any.”
Matt almost laughed from nerves. “I think I can manage that.”
When Matt came back from the kitchen, Christian was still standing where he had been, eyes flicking between Matt, the entertainment center, and the floor.
Matt gestured toward the couch. “You can sit.”
Christian blushed. “Okay. Sorry.”
“You don’t need to apologize. I know this is weird.”
Matt handed one of the bottles to Christian and sat next to him. Matt took a swallow and watched Christian pick at his beer label.
“So. I don’t really know where to start.”
Christian settled more comfortably on the couch. “It’s okay. Just — start.”
Matt took a deep breath. “Were you really pissed or were you just stressed about your exams and looking for somewhere to take it out?”
“Does it matter?”
It was a fair question. “I don’t know. Probably not. I still want to say some stuff, so I guess not.”
Christian stared at his beer bottle, seeming to gather his thoughts before speaking. “I… didn’t realize I was angry until I started talking. I wanted to get in touch with you on Saturday but I didn’t know how you would react if I showed up on your doorstep. So when you came in on Sunday, it just really annoyed me that you could do that, and when you asked abou
t my exams, it really pissed me off that you didn’t know a damn thing about what was going on. And I know we never talked about having any kind of relationship or whatever, we never had any pretenses of being more than casual fuck buddies. I don’t really have any right to be pissed.”
Christian stopped and looked back down at his beer and shrugged. “So, I bitched at you and I shouldn’t have.”
Matt took another drink. “I don’t know about that. Like I said, I’m not good at this, but it’s shitty of me to consider us friends but not know what’s important to you.” He rubbed his eyes, trying to refocus on what he had brought Christian here to talk about in the first place.
“Why the sudden change?” Christian asked.
Matt was relieved that Christian seemed genuinely curious. “Alison lectured me about being a shitty friend after we left the coffee shop on Monday.”
Christian was silent for a while. He finally looked back up at Matt. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.” Matt nodded. Maybe that would make it easier.
Clearly hesitant, Christian wrinkled his brow. “Is it just because you’re fooling around with me?”
Matt thought he knew what Christian was trying to ask and decided to make it a little easier. “Or am I always an asshole?”
“I didn’t say you were an asshole!” Christian asserted.
“No, you didn’t. I did. Alison made it clear that I’m inconsiderate and clueless, and she’s right. I get caught up in my own head sometimes and ignore how that affects people.”
“I don’t think you’re an asshole. I don’t think Alison does, either. I think that you’ve considered yourself straight until a couple of weeks ago and that you might not know what to think now.”
That pretty much hit the proverbial nail on the head. “Yeah, well, it’s not something I ever thought about before I met you and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it, really.”
Christian sighed and pulled his knees up to his chest. “What do you want to do?” Christian laughed when Matt cocked an eyebrow. “Okay, I’ll rephrase. What do you want to do about how you feel?” He tilted his head. “How do you feel?”
Matt sighed, got up, and started pacing. “I don’t know.” He leaned against the window, staring out at the lights and traffic flowing past. “What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to tell people? Jesus, I’m not even sure what I think. Am I gay? Bi? What?”
“I know how difficult this is, Matt, really.” Christian sounded sympathetic.
Matt turned and looked at Christian. “How old were you when you figured it out?”
“Probably thirteen. Trent and I were, well, curious, I guess.” Christian picked at the fabric on the couch. “I came out to my parents when I was fifteen after — after some shit happened at school.”
Matt frowned. “What happened at school?”
Christian tried to brush it off. “Just stupid shit, kids mouthing off at me. I came home with a black eye and Mom asked me why. I think they were more upset that I was getting hassled. I got the whole ‘we love you no matter what’ speech.” Christian shrugged again. “I was lucky, but Trent’s parents freaked and kicked him out when he turned eighteen.”
“That sucks. My parents died years ago, so at least I don’t have to worry about that. I think Alison might have guessed, but I have no idea what Sam will say.”
Christian looked thoughtful. “But you’re still worried about what other people will think, aren’t you?”
Matt sighed heavily. “Yes, I am. People at work, people who keep trying to set me up with women because they feel bad that Katie left me — am I supposed to tell them I’m dating a man? I don’t have a fucking clue what to expect.”
Christian looked surprised. “Are you?”
“Am I what?” Matt hadn’t quite realized what he’d said.
“Dating a man?”
Matt didn’t know what to make of the neutral expression on Christian’s face. “I don’t know,” he said honestly. “I don’t know how to do this.”
Christian smiled slightly. “Probably the same way you date women.”
Matt rolled his eyes. “I suck at dating women.”
“Well, then maybe we should back up a little.” Christian shifted on the couch, sitting up straighter. “Look, can I be completely honest with you?”
Matt braced himself for the pending rejection and immediately realized he didn’t want that. “Sure.”
“I like you. A lot. Maybe more than a lot. And I get that you’re scared and not ready to come out. But I don’t want to be your dirty little secret, either. I can handle being friends with you, but I don’t think I can handle being just an easy blow job.”
Matt turned and stared out the window again, knowing he had a decision to make. He had two options: he could apologize to Christian, part amicably, and act friendly if they saw each other around town. That was the easy way out.
The other option — the one that was still making his head spin — was to take a huge fucking leap and admit he wanted more than clandestine blow jobs.
Matt watched the traffic on the street below. Fuck it. I’ve done scarier shit than this.
When he finally turned around, Christian still sat up straight, no longer trying to sink into the cushions, but his expression was pensive. Matt took a deep breath. “I don’t want that either,” he admitted.
“What do you want?” Christian asked. “Just so we’re on the same page.”
Matt crossed the room and sat next to Christian. “I —” the words got stuck and he had to swallow and start again. “I want to see where this goes. I guess I want to try having a relationship with you.” Matt felt his face get hot, but the world didn’t end. He had never, ever done something like this; even in his relationship with Katie, he’d felt like a passive observer sometimes.
Christian grinned at him. “Are you asking me to go steady?”
Matt blinked and laughed. “Maybe. Do adults even do that?”
Christian giggled. “I don’t know. I guess we’ll have to see.”
Matt smiled back. “Now what?”
“Well, we could keep talking about how you feel about coming out. Or you could kiss me.”
“I like the second option better.” Christian was still smiling as Matt leaned in and kissed him, lightly at first, just a brush of lips.
Christian uncurled himself and wrapped his arms around Matt’s neck. Matt responded by putting his arms around Christian’s waist and pulling Christian into his lap so he could deepen the kiss, holding Christian against him and running his palms over Christian’s back.
Eventually, they had to part for air.
Christian leaned their foreheads together. “Hey.”
“Hey.” Matt nipped at Christian’s chin.
“You’re sure?”
“Yeah, I’m sure. That doesn’t mean I might not fuck up at some point, because I probably will, but hopefully it won’t be too bad.”
Christian kissed him again. “I’ll try to keep you in line.”
“Does that mean I can have your phone number?”
Christian laughed. “I don’t see why not.”
“Oh, good. Then I won’t have to stalk you at the coffee shop anymore, I can just text you.” Matt wrapped a hand around the back of Christian’s head and proceeded to kiss him thoroughly.
“Fuck, I missed you.”
“Yeah? I missed you, too. Made it hard to study.”
“Sorry.” Matt pulled back suddenly. “Did I say I was sorry for being an ass? I am, you know.”
“I know. Did I mention that I forgive you? Because I do.”
“Good. Now more kissing, less talking.”
Matt felt slightly silly that Christian’s laughter made him get all warm inside, so he focused on kissing instead of thinking. Christian’s laughter subsided into soft moans of pleasure, which Matt liked even more.
Matt wanted to spend more time kissing Christian, feeling him push into the kisses. Matt slowly devoure
d his mouth, looking for more moans and sighs, loving how Christian didn’t hold back.
The kiss went from a slow burn to hot faster than Matt expected. He put his hands under Christian’s ass and stood up, making Christian moan, legs wrapped tightly around Matt’s waist.
“Fuck, you’re strong.”
“Uh-huh.” Matt was already on his way to the bedroom, holding Christian firmly and trying to stay focused as Christian sucked on his neck. God damn, that was hot.
Matt put one knee on the bed, dropping Christian lightly before lying down next to him and kissing him.
Christian groaned and started stripping Matt, yanking his shirt over his head and starting on his pants. Matt tried to push his cock into Christian’s hand as it fought with his zipper.
“You’re not helping,” Christian admonished.
Matt stilled his movements. “Sorry.”
Christian got Matt’s pants halfway down his legs and stopped. “Shit. Shoes.”
Matt groaned in frustration. It had only been a week since he’d seen Christian but he was ready to bust, he was so turned on. Christian fumbled with his shoes, eventually getting them off, followed closely by the rest of Matt’s clothes.
Christian turned and just stared for a minute. “God, look at you.” He ran a hand slowly up Matt’s thigh. “So hot, so fucking hard.” The last was accompanied by a quick swipe of Christian’s tongue across Matt’s cock on his way up to straddle Matt’s hips.
“You’re still dressed.” Before Christian could respond, Matt flipped them over and started pulling at Christian’s clothes, finally getting him naked. Matt crawled back up the bed and shoved the covers out of the way, making Christian squirm to accommodate the sudden movement of the bedspread they were on top of.
“Picky,” he teased.
“Practical,” Matt corrected. “I don’t want to have to drag the bedspread down to the laundry room. Now what did I say about less talking?”
Christian ran a hand up Matt’s chest. “Don’t you like it when I tell you how fucking amazing you look, how I love all your muscles?” Christian pinched a nipple and Matt groaned. “How I love hearing you moan?”
