by Durango, M.
Matt took Christian’s hand and led him into the living room, simultaneously emphasizing their relationship for Sam’s benefit and not allowing Christian the opportunity to hide in the den from a misplaced sense of guilt.
Sam was standing awkwardly in the kitchen, table already set.
“Hey, Sam.” Christian sounded embarrassed.
Sam looked a little like a deer in headlights. “Hey, Christian.”
Matt’s own feeling of awkwardness was pushed aside by a vague sense of amusement at Christian and Sam; the usual exuberance each man typically displayed was gone as they both muttered their greetings and seemed to want to look anywhere but each other.
Matt took action before things could degenerate. He let go of Christian’s hand and moved to the stove, taking one last look at everything before putting Christian and Sam to work moving the food to the table. He knew it would take a bit for Sam to adjust to his new perspective on Matt and Matt’s relationship with Christian, but standing around dithering and avoiding eye contact was not the way to make that happen.
“So, Sam,” Matt said once they were all settled at the table. “You have plans later?”
“Not really. Uh. I was going to head over to Riley’s. A couple of guys from work are playing pool.” He shrugged, still obviously feeling awkward. “I stopped by to see if you wanted to come along. Well, you and Christian,” he was quick to correct.
“I’m not staying. I mean, I have to do laundry. And study,” Christian answered before looking back at his plate, blushing.
“I’m driving Christian home after dinner, but I’m up for pool.”
Sam turned to Christian. “You sure you can’t hang out? You’re a way better pool player than this guy.” Sam pointed at Matt with his knife.
“I play for fun,” Matt said, only slightly defensively. If Sam was impugning his pool playing abilities, things were on the right track.
Christian laughed. “I could come down for a game. But I can’t hang out late. I’m really, really running out of clothes.”
Sam made a dismissive sound. “Just throw stuff in the dryer with a sheet of fabric softener. Good as new.”
Christian looked like he was considering it. “Does that actually work?”
Matt started to relax. It might take some work to find common ground, and for Sam to get used to Matt being in a relationship with a man, but Matt was confident they could figure out what their new normal was.
***
“You’re awfully quiet.” Matt nudged Christian. It was a few days after their unexpected outing to Sam and Matt suspected Christian was still freaked out.
“Oh. Am I?” Christian sounded distracted.
Matt smiled, moving closer. “What’s on your mind?”
“I was, well, I was thinking about the nightmares you have. I know that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder —”
Matt made a frustrated sound and moved away. “Have you been reading about PTSD on the Internet?”
“Not just the Internet!” Christian said indignantly. “I did some library research, too.”
“Christian. Don’t.”
“Don’t what? Give a shit about you having nightmares?”
“Make assumptions that because I saw combat that I have PTSD. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I know nightmares are a main symptom.”
Matt realized he should have talked about this sooner. “One symptom, Christian. You do realize that there are others, right?”
“Of course I do. Nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety, depression.” Christian ticked each word off on his fingers.
Matt moved across the couch and crossed his arms defensively. “Don’t you think you’re over-simplifying?”
“What if it is PTSD? It can get really bad and —”
Matt cut him off. “They’re just dreams.”
“Right, just dreams that you have and don’t sleep for days after because why? Because you’re afraid if you go back to sleep, they’ll start again?”
“God damn it.” Matt jumped up and started pacing. “Look, they’re nightmares. I told you about them because… because you were here when one happened and you’ll probably be here when another one happens. I don’t sleep, but they don’t interfere with the rest of my life. I still go to work and get my job done. Hell, there have been times that I’ve worked on less sleep because of some server issue that we’re having, never mind the dreams.”
“I don’t want to fight with you,” Christian sounded resigned.
“I’m not fighting.”
Christian cocked an eyebrow. “No? You look pretty pissed off.”
Matt sighed. “I just don’t like talking about it.”
“Talking about it might help. You might figure out what’s triggering them. Have you thought about seeing someone?”
Matt gave Christian a cocky grin, hoping to diffuse the conversation. “I thought I was seeing you?”
The joke didn’t have the desired effect and merely caused Christian to throw up his hands in frustration. “Fine. Forget it. God, you’re so fucking stubborn, you think you have to shut everything inside and act all macho. Do you think people are going to think less of you or something? Fuck, I need to study.” Christian got up and started walking toward the hall to grab his pack.
Matt caught his arm as he walked passed. “Wait. Just… sit back down, okay?”
Christian hesitated but agreed. “Okay.” He settled back on the couch with his legs curled up underneath him. “I get that it bothers you to talk about it, but you’re going to have to get used to me making sure that you’re taking care of yourself.”
Matt sat next to Christian, putting his arm around Christian’s shoulders. “There’s a lot of misinformation out there — about the military, about combat, and about PTSD. A lot of people have agendas. I’ve been screened, Christian. Stress is a trigger, I know that. Stress about work, stress about,” Matt made a general motion with his hand, “Us, coming out to Sam. It doesn’t mean I’m crazy and it doesn’t mean I need a shrink.”
Christian started to speak, but Matt cut him off.
“Do you know what PTSD is really like? What some of the guys I was in with have been through?”
Christian pulled back far enough so that he could see Matt’s face. “You mean you don’t want to get help because you’re not the worst off? Matt, you’re just as deserving of help as they are.”
Matt shook his head. “No, that’s not what I mean. I mean I saw a lot of shit and I made a point to educate myself about it. And, yes, I’m aware that the onset can be delayed, but if I worry about that every time I have a bad dream, I will go crazy.”
Christian still didn’t look convinced. “Look, I know you’re concerned and I know PTSD is what everyone thinks about when they hear the words soldier and nightmare in the same sentence, but it’s not always the case. You have to trust me on this, Chris. Real life is more complicated than the movies.”
“I know that. And you have to talk to me and, I guess, educate me.”
“I can think of a few ways to educate you.” Matt pounced, kissing Christian until he was good and distracted.
Matt knew they’d talk about it again, but Matt would be prepared next time. He’d also find a way to get the right information to Christian before Christian was able to panic.
***
As the quarter wore on, Christian was working more and taking more late shifts. Matt insisted on picking him up most nights, even if it was after ten by the time Christian was ready to leave. Christian argued that he liked biking because it got him exercise and saved on pollution. Matt’s counter-argument that some days the ride home was the only time they got to see each other won Christian over.
“Do you want to do something Friday night?” Matt asked as they started the short drive home.
Christian leaned back against the headrest, uncharacteristically still. “I can’t, I have to work.”
“Damn. On a Friday? I feel like I haven’t seen you in
forever.”
“I need the extra money,” Christian said with a yawn.
Matt frowned. “Money might be tight, but there has to be a better alternative than working yourself into exhaustion. I can lend you some if you need it.”
“I don’t need charity, Matt.”
“How is lending my boyfriend money so he isn’t working his ass off charity?” They’d had this conversation before when Matt insisted on paying for dinner and were obviously still hitting the same wall.
“It just is. Look, you knew I was in school and working when we first met, so don’t give me shit for not being able to hang out all the time.”
“I’m not giving you shit, I’m just disappointed. And I don’t understand why you won’t let me lend you money.”
“I’m not taking your money.” Christian said it with such finality that Matt let it drop for the time being and switched to a subject he thought was safe.
“Do you need to go home or are you coming back to my place?” They had more or less established a routine with Christian usually spending the entire weekend and a few nights during the week. Matt liked the company and he was more than willing to read while Christian studied; he enjoyed the normalcy and never felt pressured to entertain Christian.
“Just take me to my place.”
Matt tightened his grip on the steering wheel, willing himself not to fight with Christian while he was driving.
Christian was halfway out of the truck before Matt turned the engine off. “Hey, hold on.”
Christian sat back in the passenger seat and turned to face Matt. “I’m sorry. I’m just so fucking stressed.”
“I know. I’m not mad.” Matt tried to keep his voice gentle. “I’ll meet you after work tomorrow, okay?”
Christian closed the distance between them and kissed Matt goodnight. “Okay. ‘Night.”
“’Night.”
Christian slipped out of the truck after one more kiss. Matt watched him walk up the stairs and head inside before driving away.
Chapter Fifteen
Matt was surprised to find Christian already waiting for him after work the next day; he thought he’d managed to leave a little early.
“Hey. No bike?”
Christian shook his head. “The bus was faster.” He smiled. “Want to give me a ride anyway?”
Matt smiled back. “I think I can manage that.” His fingers brushed Christian’s as they walked toward the truck. It wasn’t the kiss Matt wanted, but it would do for the moment.
By the time Matt pulled into his parking garage, Christian was asleep. Matt leaned over and brushed a kiss across Christian’s forehead.
Christian’s eyes fluttered open and he gave Matt an embarrassed smile. “Sorry. Are we there?”
“It’s okay,” Matt replied softly. “You were asleep before I could ask where you wanted to go, so I just came to my place. I can take you to your place instead if you want.”
Christian undid his seatbelt and stretched. “If you’ll feed me, I can stay for a little while.”
“Deal.” Matt would have taken Christian home if asked, but he definitely preferred this option.
Once upstairs, Christian dropped his bag and flopped down on the couch. “If we order takeout, we can make out before they get here.”
“You’re a genius. What do you want?” Matt rolled his eyes at Christian’s leer. “For dinner.”
Christian leaned his head back and stared at the ceiling as if seeking the answer. “Good question. Pizza? Thai? Chinese?”
“Thai,” Matt decided. “The usual?”
“Sure.” Christian’s eyes had drifted shut again.
Matt let Christian nap while he called in the order and changed into jeans and a T-shirt.
Matt sat down next to Christian, hand on the inside of Christian’s thigh and mouth on his neck, drawing a moan from Christian, who spread his thighs further to allow Matt more access.
“Hi.”
“Hi. Want me to let you nap until the food gets here?”
Christian snuggled into Matt, nuzzling along his jaw. “Not really. I think you should take advantage of the fact that I’m not working or studying.”
“I like taking advantage of you.”
Christian’s laugh turned into a groan as Matt moved his hand higher to cup the growing bulge in Christian’s jeans.
“Nice. Been a while.” Christian arched his back and pushed into Matt’s hand.
Matt grinned and pushed his tongue into Christian’s mouth for a taste. Christian kissed him back, hard, sucking on Matt’s tongue and moaning. Matt responded just as aggressively, cock going from interested to hard as nails. He could feel Christian throbbing under his hand. He undid the buttons on Christian’s jeans, fingers lightly touching Christian through the thin barrier of Christian’s boxers. He broke the kiss and pulled Christian’s shirt off.
“God, look at you. So fucking hot.” Matt traced the wet spot on Christian’s boxers, making Christian moan and his cock jump.
“Don’t tease.” Christian shifted restlessly under Matt’s hand, trying to increase the friction. Matt touched him gently before relenting and pulling Christian’s boxers off. It had only been a few days, but Matt was already aching and Christian was almost desperate.
Matt wrapped his hand around Christian’s dick and bent to suck on one of Christian’s nipples. Christian’s hips started rocking in time with Matt’s strokes, breath coming in pants and a litany of “yes, yes, please, fuck yes, close” spilling from Christian’s lips. Matt felt Christian’s cock harden even more and changed positions to watch Christian come, mouth open and neck muscles taut.
Christian finally opened his eyes. “God, that was amazing. Tell me what you want, honey.”
“I want your mouth on me.” Matt still couldn’t get enough of that.
Christian kissed Matt sloppily before slipping to the floor between Matt’s knees. Matt groaned as he watched Christian open his jeans. “Mmm, boxer briefs. Sexy.” Christian grinned up at him before continuing to work on Matt’s pants, taking Matt’s jeans and underwear off at the same time.
Matt watched as Christian started kissing the sensitive spot on the inside of Matt’s thigh before slowly dragging his tongue up the center of Matt’s hardness. Matt tried to watch as Christian ran his tongue around the head, but was quickly overcome by need, head dropping back and eyes closing.
“Fuck, yes.” Matt tangled his fingers in Christian’s hair, careful not to pull too hard.
Christian alternated between sucking lightly on the head and licking up and down the shaft. Matt slid further down on the couch, spreading his legs to make sure Christian had room to play. Christian moaned happily and started nuzzling Matt’s balls, slowly sucking on each one, hands wandering freely up and down Matt’s thighs.
“Christian. God, that feels so good. I’ve been thinking about this all week.”
Christian released his nut with a pop and looked up at Matt, eyes hot. “Yeah?” Hot breath ghosted through Matt’s pubes.
Matt managed a weak grin. “Are you going to tease me now after I took pity on you?”
“Oh, I see, it was a pity hand job.” The twinkle in Christian’s eyes belied his words.
“God, Chris.”
Christian chuckled and swallowed Matt down without warning, drawing a long moan from Matt, who dropped his head back on the couch again with a muffled thud, hips rising to meet Christian’s mouth. Christian stopped teasing, using one hand to cup the base of Matt’s cock while the other traced random patterns on the inside of his thigh and the sensitive skin behind Matt’s balls.
“Good, babe.” Christian responded by pushing a little harder, drawing another moan from Matt. Matt felt Christian’s fingers move further back, slowly brushing over the puckered skin at Matt’s entrance. Christian pushed gently before the finger disappeared, returning a moment later slick enough that he slipped easily inside, fingering Matt slowly as he continued to suck.
Matt was breathing hard, mov
ing between Christian’s mouth and the finger moving in and out of his ass. Matt could feel his balls pull up, his orgasm building. Christian swallowed around the head of Matt’s dick while rubbing his fingertip across Matt’s prostate. Matt arched his back and held Christian’s head in place as he shot.
Christian’s finger slipped out of Matt’s ass while Christian continued to lick Matt’s softening cock. Matt relaxed his grip, gently rubbing Christian’s scalp as his breathing returned to normal.
Christian released Matt and leaned back against his thighs. When Matt looked down, Christian was smiling at him. “Better?” he asked.
Matt returned the smile. “Better.”
The buzzer rang, letting them know that their dinner had arrived and making them both laugh. At least the delivery guy had better timing than Sam. Christian crawled out of Matt’s way so Matt could get dressed. While Matt paid, Christian put his clothes back on and busied himself in the kitchen getting plates, forks, and beer.
Christian powered though his Pad Thai and half of the rice before finally putting the empty carton down and leaning back against the couch.
“Thanks for dinner, Matt.”
Matt smiled around a mouthful of curry and winked. “It’s in my best interest to keep you fed.”
Christian smiled and stretched. “This isn’t the only time I eat, you know.”
Matt placed his empty carton on the coffee table and leaned back next to Christian. “I don’t think ramen actually has any nutritional value, you know.”
Christian shrugged and looked away. “It’s cheap.”
“If you need money —”
Christian cut him off, turning to face him. “I don’t need your money, Matt. I told you, I’m fine.”
“You don’t need to get pissed, Christian, I’m just offering to help.”
“Whatever. I should go.” Christian stood up and walked passed Matt, heading toward the door.
“Hey! Don’t just storm off.”
“Fine.” He turned around. “What?”
“Jesus Christ, Christian, what the hell is going on?”
“Nothing’s going on. I’m busy. I have to work. I have to study. Why is this suddenly an issue?”
