by Durango, M.
“You’re stressed the fuck out every time I see you lately. You’re irritated, working your ass off constantly, and you won’t let me help.”
“I told you, I don’t need your help. I’m fine. And you fucking knew when we hooked up that I’m working through school.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Christian, that’s not my point and you know it.” Matt stepped closer to Christian. “You’re way more stressed than you were last quarter and you’re working a hell of a lot more. All I’m asking is that you tell me what’s going on.”
“I told you —”
“Come on, Christian. You didn’t let me get away with not telling you about my nightmares. Stop being hypocritical and be honest.”
Matt waited, watching as conflicting emotions played over Christian’s face. Matt wasn’t sure if Christian was going to open up or would continue evading the issue. Matt saw Christian’s face fall as he made the decision.
“Fine.” Christian sighed. “I’m not sure how I’m going to come up with the money to pay for next quarter. And I need new brakes for my bike, and my damn laptop is acting funny.”
“Can’t you take a quarter off to save up?”
“No! No, damn it, I can’t take another fucking quarter off! And I can’t ask my parents for money and I can’t get enough financial fucking aid. I’ve thought of all that already.” Christian was shouting now.
“Why the fuck won’t you let me help?”
“I don’t need a fucking hand-out!”
“God damn it, it’s not a fucking hand out, Christian, I love you and I want to help. Why the hell won’t you let me?”
Christian blinked, looking shocked. “What?”
Matt frowned, confused. “What?”
“You love me?”
“I —” Matt took a breath. “Yeah. I do.”
Christian stared at him for so long that Matt started to get nervous. He hadn’t really intended to just blurt his feelings out like that.
Finally, a smile broke out on Christian’s face. “Oh. I love you, too.” Christian bit his lip and laughed.
Matt let out the breath he didn’t realize he was holding and returned Christian’s smile before closing the rest of the distance between them. Matt pulled Christian close, kissing the top of Christian’s head. Christian’s arms slipped around Matt’s waist.
Stepping back, Matt tugged Christian toward the couch. “C’mere.” They sat, Christian curling next to him. Matt tilted Christian’s head up and kissed Christian before turning serious.
“I want to help, Christian. And I want to be able to spend time with you. We can figure something out.”
Christian frowned again. “I don’t want to take your money, Matt. That’s not why I’m with you.”
“If I thought that was why you were with me, I wouldn’t be offering. Besides, if you were looking for someone to use for money, I doubt I would be your first choice.”
“Unless I was trying to be subtle.”
“Christian. Stop. Are you trying to change my mind?”
“No! No, I just… Shit.” Christian leaned back, increasing the space between them. “God, no. I wasn’t lying, Matt. I love you. I —” He closed his eyes. “What if you change your mind and decide it’s too difficult?”
“Why? Because I spent years trying to be straight before I met you? I came out to Sam and Alison, and you know I’m trying to deal with coming out in public.” Matt still wasn’t sure if Alison knew about his relationship with Christian before he told her, but she certainly hadn’t been surprised or upset.
“I know. But what if you decide you can’t? What if you decide I’m too fucking immature or young or whatever for you to be with?”
Matt leaned over Christian. “No. Stop it. Look at me. I’m not going to change my mind. I keep telling you, I want this. I want you. I wouldn’t be arguing with you over this if I didn’t.”
Matt could see Christian visibly relax. “Okay.” He curled back into Matt. “I want to let you help.”
Matt kissed his forehead. “Okay. We’ll figure something out. Do you need me to let you study?”
Christian sighed. “Yeah. I should.” He kissed Matt. “Thank you.”
Matt kissed him back, pulling away before it could get too serious. “Study. I’m going to clean up and take a shower.”
Christian smiled, looking obviously relieved. “’Kay.” Matt kissed him one last time before getting up and leaving Christian to study.
Matt was reading when Christian came into the bedroom a couple of hours later, hands shoved in his pockets.
“If I stay, will you drop me off at home in the morning?”
“Or you can drive me to work and take the truck.”
Christian’s eyes went wide for a second. “Yeah?”
“Sure, why not? I can pick the keys up from you in the afternoon.”
Christian smiled. “Cool.”
“Come to bed?”
“I should study some more.” Christian hesitated. “I could read in here, though.”
“I wouldn’t mind the company.”
Ten minutes later, Christian was sitting next to Matt wearing just his boxers and reading one of his textbooks. Matt smiled to himself and got more comfortable.
Chapter Sixteen
Matt knew the solution to helping Christian pay for school was obvious, but he had to overcome his own reluctance and misgivings before he could approach Christian. He’d made life-or-death decisions in the military without hesitation but now found himself struggling to take the next step with Christian.
The reluctance Christian had shown further complicated things. Matt fully understood the pride and fear they both had to deal with, the what-ifs. Unlike his previous relationships, Matt knew he was thinking about things with Christian in the long term; he had to overcome his own issues with commitment and with opening himself up to rejection. They may have said “I love you,” but that didn’t mean they were both looking for the same thing.
Matt knew the best chance to talk to Christian was on his day off on Sunday, after a decent night’s sleep and a late breakfast. Matt even managed to get Christian to take some time walking around window shopping before finally heading back to the condo.
Matt followed Christian to the couch, lying with his head in Christian’s lap.
Christian smiled down at him, running the fingers of one hand through Matt’s hair while the other stroked over Matt’s ribs. “Thanks for breakfast,” Christian said softly.
Matt smiled, raising one hand and rubbing along the nape of Christian’s neck. “You’re welcome.” He allowed himself to enjoy the moment a little longer before saying, “I’ve been thinking.”
Christian’s fingers stilled. “Okay.”
“You should move in with me.”
“What?”
“Move in with me.”
“Matt, we both know I can’t afford half of the rent on this place.”
Matt sat up so he could face him. “I didn’t say pay rent. I said move in with me. Look, if you can save on the money you’re paying on rent, it’ll help with your tuition, right?”
Christian looked flustered. “I can’t just move out on Trent.”
“And I didn’t say it had to happen this second or that you should screw Trent over. But he can find a new roommate.”
“I.” Christian frowned. “He’s been my best friend forever. I can’t just leave him with all of the rent.”
“I know. Will you think about it?”
Christian bit his lip. “You really want me to move in with you? For real?”
“For real.”
Christian leaned into him. “Okay. I’ll talk to him. It would save me a lot of money.”
Matt tried to hold back his smile, but failed. He pulled Christian closer. “Good,” he said, trying to sound matter-of-fact, but he couldn’t hold back his grin. Rather than being freaked out at offering to support Christian, Matt felt at peace for the first time in ages.
Maybe he was figu
ring this whole relationship thing out, after all.
***
In an effort to have more time together, Matt agreed to spend the evening at Christian’s apartment while Christian did laundry, but not before trying to convince Christian otherwise.
“You could just bring your laundry to the condo. Since you’re going to have to move all your clothes anyway.”
“Please. I am not lugging a sack of dirty clothes around with me. The laundry at my apartment is just fine, and you can hang out at my place for once.”
“Fine.” Matt tried to suppress his grin. “We haven’t had sex in your bed yet, anyway.”
Christian stuck his tongue out but didn’t argue the point.
Matt sprawled on Christian’s futon — which he was forced to agree wasn’t nearly as comfortable as his bed — while Christian sat at the desk. He stole a glance at Christian when the sound of the front door announced that Trent was home; Matt knew Christian hadn’t discussed their plans with Trent. Christian remained steadfastly focused on the laptop screen.
“Honey, I’m home!” Trent stuck his head in the bedroom doorway. “You are not going to believe — oh, hi, Matt.” Trent was obviously surprised by Matt’s presence.
Matt decided to let it slide; he knew he and Christian had a habit of hiding themselves at Matt’s condo. “Hey, Trent. What wouldn’t we believe?”
Trent immediately launched into his story, relating his latest adventures in the club scene. Matt didn’t know any of the people he was referring to, but could certainly appreciate Trent’s animated recitation.
“So, what’s new with you two?” Trent asked.
Matt glanced at Christian and started to respond when Christian jumped up, telling Trent, “We so have to talk,” as he grabbed his friend’s hand and pulled him from the room. Matt chose to accept that as a good thing and went back to reading his book when he heard the door to Trent’s bedroom close.
The walls of the apartment were thin, but not thin enough for Matt to hear their conversation. It only took a moment for Trent to reappear.
“Oh my God, you asked him to move in with you!” Trent practically threw himself on the futon next to Matt. “That is so awesome!” Christian looked almost sheepish as Trent continued to gush at Matt before turning back to Christian to exclaim, “Honey, we have to get you packed.”
“Trent, chill out. I’m not going this second.”
“What? Why? Honey, if some hot stud like Matt asked me to move in with him, I’d be all over that.”
“I’m not jacking you on my half of the rent. Besides, he just asked me the other day.”
Trent made a dismissive gesture. “Don’t worry about the rent.”
Matt watched as they continued to argue. Christian finally prevailed, convincing Trent that he wasn’t prepared to just up and move everything at a moment’s notice.
“We can talk about it Friday at dinner, when I’m not trying to study.” Christian looked pointedly at Trent.
“Oh, all right.” Trent rolled gracefully off the bed. “But don’t feel like you have to stick around on my account.”
Christian let out a sigh as Trent left the room. “Sorry. I didn’t think he was going to be quite so…”
“Enthusiastic?”
“Right. If I didn’t know better, I’d think he was trying to get rid of me.”
“He’s just being supportive in his own Trent-like way.”
Christian laughed. “That’s one way of looking at it.” Christian glanced at the time. “Come on, you can help me fold my laundry.”
***
They had plans to have dinner with Sam and Trent on Friday at Riley’s, since they all knew each other from different places. Matt was making an effort to blend their lives together more and stop hiding. As far as Matt knew, Trent had dropped the subject of when Christian was going to move out; Matt let it alone as well, knowing it would just stress Christian out.
While they waited for Sam to arrive, the three of them settled into their table to work out the details of Christian’s move. Christian was still adamant that he wouldn’t move out until he knew his part of the rent would be covered; Matt intervened by offering to help Christian financially so he could focus on studying and not work so many hours.
“Besides,” Matt told him, “The less you work, the more I get to see you.”
“So you’re paying me for sex?” Christian teased.
“Isn’t that what all long-term relationships are based on?” Trent added his two cents, making Christian roll his eyes. “Well, isn’t it?”
“You’re such a cynic,” Christian told his friend.
“I thought I was a slut?” Trent pretended to look confused.
Christian tilted his head in thought. “A cynical slut?” he suggested.
Matt shook his head. “I thought we were trying to come up with a plan?”
Christian tried to look repentant. “Sorry, honey. It just freaks me out a little to take rent money from you. I don’t want you to think I’m just using you for money.”
“Christian, I told you, if I didn’t trust you, I wouldn’t offer. I want to help.”
Christian blushed and smiled. “Okay.”
Sam dropped down in the empty chair. “God, you two, we’re in public.”
Christian’s blush deepened. “Sorry, Sam.”
“Nauseating, aren’t they?” Trent said.
“Completely,” Sam agreed, reaching for the empty glass and draining the pitcher of beer.
“Dude, you look like crap. What’s up?” Matt asked.
Sam took a long drink. “My apartment building is being condemned.”
“What? Why?”
“Remember that flood two years ago? The one they did the shitty-assed job cleaning up? Fucking black mold. A couple of people got sick and ended up calling the Health Department.”
“I told you that place needed to be condemned,” Matt said. “When do you have to be out?”
“They’re giving us a week. Where the fuck am I supposed to go in a week?”
“You can move in with me,” Trent piped up.
Sam frowned. “I thought Christian lived with you?”
“He’s moving in with Matt. Apparently, true love trumps best friend.” Trent sighed dramatically and took a sip of his drink.
Sam blinked, looking mildly stunned as he turned to Matt. “He’s moving in with you? You mean you’re committing to a relationship and you didn’t bother to tell me?”
Matt shrugged, trying to play off the awkwardness. “Because I knew you would give me shit. I was hoping you wouldn’t notice.”
“Jackass.” Sam kicked him in the shin. “Go buy us another pitcher so I can talk about you behind your back.”
“Oh, fuck, no.” Matt loved Sam like a brother, but he wasn’t leaving himself undefended.
“How am I supposed to threaten Christian with bodily harm if he hurts you if you won’t leave us alone?” Sam made it sound like a reasonable question.
Christian choked on his beer. “What?”
“Ooh, does that mean I get to threaten Matt if he hurts Christian?” Trent asked, suddenly intrigued.
Matt pinched the bridge of his nose. “For fuck’s sake. No one’s threatening anyone. And Trent? Really?” Matt clearly had about fifty pounds of muscle on the other man.
“You spoil all my fun, dude.” Sam turned to Trent. “How much is the rent? When can I move in?”
Trent rattled off the rent and security deposit. “You can move in as soon as we can get Christian’s stuff moved to Matt’s, which depends on Christian’s work schedule.”
“I don’t have that much to pack. We haven’t talked about whether I should move my desk and futon, or my bookcase, but the rest of the stuff can stay in the apartment. I have Sunday off, so we can do it then if you’re ready.”
“It’s not like I have that much of a choice. I’m going to put most of my stuff in storage, anyway. I just have to get it packed.”
Christian looked
at Matt, bottom lip caught between his teeth. “Assuming you’re ready for me to move in that soon.”
Matt smiled. “I think that’s a brilliant idea. Do you need help packing?”
“I can help Christian,” Trent said. “You should probably help Sam.”
“That would be awesome, man. I owe you.”
Matt was pretty sure Trent was getting the easy job. “You’ll pay me back.” Matt waved Sam’s concern off. “Who wants food?”
***
Matt spent hours Saturday night helping Sam pack most of his belongings into a rental truck destined for storage. By the time he got back to the condo, it was after midnight, but Christian was still awake, watching a science show on TV.
“Hey, honey, how’s Sam?” Christian looked over the back of the couch as Matt hung up his coat.
“Stressed and tired. And pissed, in case you hadn’t gotten the memo.” Matt leaned in to kiss Christian.
Christian hummed happily and moved closer. “I think people Sam doesn’t even know got the memo. How are you?”
Matt smiled and wrapped an arm around his lover. “Tired but not stressed or pissed off. Looking forward to having you here every night from now on.”
Christian made a happy sound and pulled Matt down for another kiss. “Good. Me, too.”
“Yeah?” Matt knew the answer, but having it reinforced didn’t hurt.
“Uh-huh. I’ve stopped stressing that you might think I’m doing it for the wrong reasons. You don’t think that makes me too sappy, do you?”
“Not too sappy, no.” Matt’s hand slid up Christian’s shirt, rubbing along his back and rumbling happily. “You’re warm.”
Christian giggled. “I turned the heat up.”
Matt laughed and kissed him hard. “We should crash. It’s late and we still have a lot left to do tomorrow.”
Christian smiled. “Okay.”
“What?”
“Nothing.” He smiled again and buried his head in Matt’s neck. Matt hugged him before pulling Christian to his feet.
“Bed, babe. Turn the TV off.” He kissed Christian again.
“I can’t turn the TV off if you’re kissing me.”
After one more kiss, Matt moved away and headed toward the bedroom, pulling his shirt over his head. “Hurry up.”
