Magruder's Curiosity Cabinet

by H. P. Wood

  “Someone’s going to have to. Who better?”

  Kitty laughs sadly. “Lots of people would be better, I’m sure. But I think Mum would like that, if I…took the lead a bit.”

  “There you go.” Rosalind nods. “But, darling, could you help us save the Cabinet first?”

  “Yes.” Kitty wipes her eyes and pulls on the trousers. “We’ll fight the next battle when this one is over.”

  • • •

  A machine in the corner goes ding!

  Ding!

  Ding!

  Ding!

  “What in hell is that noise?” Goo-Goo mutters.

  Pete sighs. “I don’t know, just something in the corner.”

  Ding! Ding!

  “Make it stop. It’s giving me a headache.”

  “Goo-Goo, it’s just—”

  “I said make it stop!”

  Zeph enters. “Sorry to interrupt, boys. I just need a jug of water from back here.”

  Pete stands. “Hey, since you’re here. One of them machines started making this—”

  Ding! Ding! Ding!

  “See, there it goes again. It’s bothering Goo-Goo.”

  “My stars, I’d hate for our guests to be uncomfortable.”

  “Watch your mouth, Stumpy,” Goo-Goo growls.

  Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!

  As Zeph approaches, the dinging intensifies. There’s a new picture in the slot. “Chio, what is your—” Zeph takes the picture and examines it. He looks up at Pete and Goo-Goo, then back at the picture. “Oh my God.” His eyes widen for a split second, then he crumples the picture and shoves it in his shirt. “Machine was malfunctioning. It’s over now.”

  “Fucking better be,” Goo-Goo says.

  • • •

  Heavy wheels crunch along sandy, unswept streets.

  Gibson sits in the passenger seat, his dread increasing. He checks his pocket watch. Will this be over in time for him to make the last train to Newport?

  Up in the sky, large black birds ride the wind.

  • • •

  A big cat sprawls across the limb of a tree.

  His fellow leopards stalk the backyard in circles, chuffing as they test and retest the strength of their leashes.

  The alpha cat sees their mistress enter the yard. “Venez ici, mes bébés. Venez ici.” She’s calling them to join her on one side of the yard. But no matter what she says, the alpha will not come.

  The time for obedience is over.

  • • •

  A clown runs across a roof.

  “They’re coming,” he shrieks. “I see them! They’re coming!”

  Nodding, Timur dashes inside. “English! They come!”

  “No!” Kitty panics. “No, we aren’t ready!” The alpha leopard in the yard had so far declined to eat Enzo and Vivi, but his presence had slowed down the whole operation. “We don’t have nearly enough tanks filled!”

  “Will be enough.”

  “It won’t!”

  Timur gives Kitty an awkward pat on the head. “Must be.”

  Chapter 51

  Useless

  Magruder’s is in a frenzy. Kitty pushes the image of her mother’s body out of her mind and rouses the Unusuals from their sickbeds, barking out orders, assigning one to this window, another to that.

  Nazan passes by on her nursing mission. “Kitty,” she says, “can I do anything?”

  “No, no,” Kitty replies distractedly. “You keep on. We’re all right.”

  “Okay. I have one more dose to give out, to that poor man in the back. So if you need any help after that, let me know.” She turns to go but quickly turns back. “Kitty…”

  “What?”

  “Good luck.” Nazan hugs her. “You’re my hero, you know.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous,” Kitty demurs. Nazan grins and heads for the back room, and Kitty returns to business.

  “Mr. Archie! You take charge of the windows in front of the tavern. When you see flames from windows above, you light yours. And stay away from the Elixir for five minutes, would you? We get only once chance at this.”

  Archie bows carefully, so his loot doesn’t tumble out of his pockets. “Lady General, I obey. But I must ask…what are you wearing?”

  She smiles self-consciously and smooths the linen trousers with both hands. “I borrowed these from Rosalind. I had to roll them up a bit, but they’re beautiful, don’t you think?”

  Archie rolls his eyes. “Not even slightly.”

  Kitty smiles. “They are practical, and practical is beautiful.” She darts upstairs, issuing more instructions as she goes.

  • • •

  Enzo dashes to the second floor with the last gas canister. He spots Kitty and goes to her. “Miss Kitty, mi dispiace tanto! I am so sorry…”

  “It’s fine—”

  “No, is no fine! We try to fill the tanks, but Vivi must watch the leopard while I fill the tank. It just take too long.”

  “Enzo, please. We have what we have, and we will make do with it. Sì?”

  He nods, heartbroken. “Sì, sì. I no want to lose Magruder’s because of me.”

  Kitty smiles. “Silly man. I wouldn’t even be here if not for you. You must stop being sad and be useful instead. Take that canister upstairs for me, all right?”

  “Sì, I do this,” Enzo calls after her. “Maybe I look around the building? Maybe Zeph forget something!”

  “Sure,” she says, dashing off. “Can’t hurt to look around.”

  • • •

  Archie feels a tug at his pant leg and looks down. “Master Zephaniah! Don’t tell me you’ve escaped an assignment from our young Napoleon-ette!”

  Zeph thrusts a piece of paper up at Archie. “Shut up and look at this, and keep your damned voice down.”

  With a grunt, Archie goes down on one knee to study the paper. “I have no idea what—”

  “Look, dammit! See the castle tattoo on that one? And the big fella with no nose?”

  “But who are these two on the ground? What’s on that fellow’s coat? Is that a staff with snakes?”

  Zeph nods. “It’s the doctor, the one whose building blew up. And look at the hair on the other one. That’s Spencer!”

  “But they have Xs for eyes, for crying out—” He stops. “Zeph, what are you saying?”

  “I’m saying nothing. Chio is saying. Pete and Goo-Goo killed Spencer and the doctor.”

  Archie shakes his head like there’s water in his ears. “How could a machine know—”

  “Keep up, brother! Chio’s not just any machine. He drew this picture for me to tell me this. Boys were probably whispering about it, right in front of him. Pete never could keep his mouth shut.”

  “So Nazan’s medicine is saving the life of Spencer’s killer? That’s quite the irony!”

  “No, it ain’t, because that is not a thing that’s gonna happen.”

  “That thing is already happening, friend. She just went back there with Goo-Goo’s dose.”

  “Dammit! No. No.” Zeph scrambles after her.

  Wistfully, Archie picks a wax grasshopper off a shelf and puts it in his coat. “I’m going to miss this place.”

  • • •

  Enzo runs downstairs to the tavern storeroom. He knows Zeph to be a pack rat, even saving piles of empty gas canisters of no conceivable use. Maybe there’s something else there too.

  He tears through the shelves in a furor, knocking useless junk to the floor, giving angry kicks to the empty gas canisters he had no time to fill. Most of the canisters roll away apologetically, but one stands firm when he kicks it. He picks it up. It’s heavy.

  “A full one!” Enzo laughs, delighted. “I get one more!”

  • • •

  When Zeph reaches the back
room, Nazan is hovering over Goo-Goo, measuring out the medicine.

  “Stop!”

  “Zeph? What’s wrong?”

  Goo-Goo moans. “Give me the goddamned medicine. I’m dying here!”

  Zeph scuttles across the floor, climbs the bed, and dives between Goo-Goo and Nazan. “No! It’s…um…it’s a bad batch, okay? It ain’t good.”

  “It’s the same batch I’ve given everyone, Zeph. What are you even—”

  “I’m telling you, Nazan, stop!” He smacks her hand, and the medicine bottle smashes on the floor.

  “Zeph!”

  “You goddamned freak!” Goo-Goo grabs Zeph.

  Nazan tries to intervene, so Pete leaps up and pulls Nazan away. But he says, “Goo-Goo, cut it out! Relax, would you?”

  Goo-Goo flips over, pinning Zeph on the bed, choking him. “I’ll kill you, you useless little—!”

  “I won’t be the first!” Zeph squeaks.

  Goo-Goo loosens his grip slightly. “What was that?”

  • • •

  The armored vehicle makes the turn onto Magruder’s street and lumbers up to the building. As it approaches, orange fire explodes from the third floor. Soon, more flames emerge—from a second-floor window, another from the third floor, and after a moment, two flames from the windows at ground level.

  On the street, the crowd of Unusuals all seem to lose their minds at once. People wave their arms and shout theatrically. “Fire! Fire!” “Somebody call the fire department!” “Oh, Lord help us!”

  McGrath puts the engine in neutral but keeps it running. “Well now, would you look at that?”

  Gibson peers out in disbelief. “What? No. What is that?”

  “That, young man, is what’s called a best-case scenario. You wanted a fire? Fire. Go tell Big Daddy that Magruder’s is on fire.” He makes to pull the vehicle forward, but Gibson grabs his arm.

  “No, no. Look at those flames. That’s fake, transparently fake.”

  “You’re saying they’re pretending to set themselves on fire? Are you listening to yourself?”

  “But…look! Just look! The pattern doesn’t even make any sense—flames up there, flames down there. What fire does that, and all at once? Look!”

  “I am looking, Gibson, and that building is—”

  “No, it’s not! It looks just like that show, that stupid Dreamland show! It’s a bunch of carnies over there. Obviously, they know how to—”

  McGrath grabs Gibson by the lapels. “Listen—”

  “Don’t you touch me!”

  “This city is in crisis, do you hear me? Real problems, real people dying everywhere! I said I would indulge you, and I did. You wanted a goddamned fire, you got one. We’re done.”

  Gibson wrenches himself away. “We are certainly not done! I demand that we investigate this blatant fraud!”

  “You demand, do ya? Kid, you want to investigate? Knock yourself out.”

  “But—”

  “Get out! Me and my men have actual work to do.”

  Gibson is left standing on the curb as the Committeemen pull away. He screams at the departing vehicle. “The senator will hear about this! Make no mistake, the senator will hear!”

  • • •

  Kitty runs up to the lab to get a better view of the street. She’d considered returning to her mother’s room to watch from there, but no. One crisis at a time.

  Entering the lab, she pauses to marvel at the helium lights but gasps at the sight of P-Ray curled up in the corner. Fearing the worst, she runs to him and grabs his hand tightly. He’s warm. He murmurs softly and opens his eyes.

  “You’re awake!” she cries. He smiles at her, and she hugs him. “It worked! I can barely believe it worked!”

  “P-Ray,” he says quietly, but then he squawks at Kitty’s too-tight embrace.

  “Sorry,” she says, laughing and crying at once. “It’s just…the medicine didn’t help Mum, so I thought…I thought it was all pointless, all of it. But it was just too late for her, I guess. Perhaps she’d been sick too long. But you!” She grabs his little face with both hands. “You are a tough little thing, just like Enzo said. Mum would have loved you so, so much.”

  Suddenly, they hear the squeal of brakes on the street. Wiping her eyes, Kitty goes to the window and yanks down the tarp, just in time to see a young man in old man’s clothes ejected from the Committee vehicle. The vehicle drives away, which pleases her, but the young man remains, which is troubling. Supposedly, there is a sucker born every minute, but judging by the skeptical look on the young old man’s face, Kitty fears they may be one sucker short.

  She gathers P-Ray up in her arms, and together they perch at the window, waiting to see what the young old man will do next.

  • • •

  “Enzo, my darling, where are—”

  He holds up his prize to show Rosalind. “One more canister I find! I take to your bedroom. It has no fire.”

  “I beg your pardon!”

  Enzo laughs as he dashes up the stairs. “Passerotto mio, you know this I mean!”

  “You are incorrigible!”

  “I get one more! We light this bastard!”

  • • •

  The Unusuals continue to go berserk over the pretend fire. Gibson surveys the scene bitterly. He can’t decide if they are overly committed actors, complete idiots, or a mix of both. But regardless, the chance of him making his way through this mad crowd and up to the front door of Magruder’s seems virtually nil.

  He considers surrender but then thinks, Newport. Incense. Heiresses.

  Surely, there is a back way in. I could go down the alley, maybe climb the fence into the backyard?

  Capital idea.

  • • •

  Down in the tavern, Archie looks up from his elixir when he hears the Committee vehicle depart. He shuts off his gas jets and goes to congratulate Kitty. She pulled off quite a con today. He needs to chat with that young lady about her future.

  On his way up the stairs, he pauses to scratch the scar on his hand. He thinks of Zeph, dashing off to confront Pete and that other one. Goo-Goo Knox. Goo-Goo, the goose who lost his beak. Bane of Brooklyn cops and gangsters alike. Nasty piece of work. Far too nasty for Zeph to handle on his own.

  Not my problem.

  But that old scar keeps on itching.

  “Oh…fine.” He slouches off to see about Zeph.

  • • •

  Kitty is still cuddling P-Ray at the window when they hear the screaming. She sets P-Ray down and races to the back of the building, peering out a window that overlooks the backyard.

  There he is, the young man in old man clothes. He dangles from the fence, howling as the leopards swipe at him with their sharp claws. Up in his tree, the alpha leopard observes the scene with interest. Vivi is there too, shrieking at the cats to stop and swatting impotently with her little whip. She may as well be invisible.

  The young man tries desperately to swing his legs back over the fence. But as soon as he gets one foot free, the leopards grab the other, his shredded pant legs turning dark crimson. He begs for mercy, but there is none.

  The alpha leopard leaps from the tree, its open jaw glinting just briefly in the sunshine before it lands on the young man’s back, sinking its four sharp canines deep into his neck. Man and cat tumble off the fence.

  Vivi’s screams don’t mask the sounds of tearing flesh and breaking bone. The leopards yowl and hiss at one another, squaring off over who gets which part of the body.

  “Well, well,” Kitty says coolly. “Someone ate today at least.”

  • • •

  Archie rounds the corner into the back room to find Goo-Goo on the bed, choking the life out of Zeph, while Pete holds Nazan. “Best you stay out of this,” he tells her. She struggles against him and shouts, while Pete yells ove
r her, “Calm the hell down, Goo!”

  Archie pulls the kris blade from his jacket and holds it out. “Stop! Whatever you children are doing, stop right now!”

  “Go away, old man,” Goo-Goo snarls without looking up.

  “Let’s be reasonable.” Archie moves slowly toward the bed. “Is it money you want? Just look at this museum. It’s like Aladdin’s cave around here. This blade in my hand is worth more than you could steal in a year. And look.” He reaches into his coat. “This teacup? Ming Dynasty, which is code for mind-bogglingly valuable. Take whatever you want. Live out your lives as rich men.”

  Pete nods. “Goo, listen to him.”

  But plague madness has taken Goo-Goo away. He leans harder on Zeph’s neck. Zeph goes limp.

  Archie moves toward the bed. “Okay, kill Zeph if you want. You’re halfway there already, from the look of it. But this building is swarming with Unusuals. You want to tangle with Digby the Strongman and all the rest? Go now, and we won’t stop you. But continue with this nonsense, and may God help you.”

  Goo-Goo whirls around, eyes blazing. “You think I’m afraid of you freaks? I’ll kill you all and your fucking God too.”

  “So be it.” Archie jams the blade into Goo-Goo’s eye.

  He rears back, shrieking. Nazan screams. Pete slams her head against the wall and tosses her on the floor, springing to Goo-Goo’s aid. As she falls, Nazan grabs for Pete’s thigh and yanks as hard as she can. He loses his balance and goes down, slamming his head on the metal bed frame. Goo-Goo wrenches the blade from his eye and slashes blindly at Archie, ripping open the old man’s cravat with the first pass and his jugular with the second. Goo-Goo collapses on top of Archie, and they fall together on the bed.

  On the floor, Nazan weeps.

  • • •

  In Rosalind’s room, Enzo hurriedly attaches the tank to the pipe.

  One of the Unusuals in Rosalind’s bed says weakly, “Mr. Enzo, they’re gone. I don’t think you need to—”

  “No, no, no, better to have one more window.” Triumphantly, he pushes the button that lights the fuse.

  Naphtha hits oxygen, spark hits naphtha, and Enzo realizes too late that he’s just set off the biggest firework of his life.

  Chapter 52