All the Broken Places

by Anise Eden

  “Who do you think has been keeping a handle on her this whole time?” Ben asked.

  I dug my fingernails into my palms.

  “So just keep doin’ what you’re doin’ and stop worryin’ about it! What’s the problem? You sweet on her or somethin’?”

  There was another pause. I held my breath.

  “It wouldn’t matter if I was,” Ben said. “She’s off limits.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I’m her superior, that’s why.”

  My superior? Who the hell did he think he was? I bit my fist to keep from shouting.

  “Hah!” Pete guffawed. “I wouldn’t tell her that if I were you. She may be off-limits, but you’re still crushin’ on her, aren’t ya?”

  “I said it doesn’t matter,” Ben muttered.

  “That little girl got you roped, flanked, and tied in record time,” Pete marveled.

  Ben’s voice took on a dangerous edge. “Are you done having fun yet? Because Nelson only bought us one day. I have to figure something out quickly.”

  “Okay, okay. You’re right. Let’s think this through.” There was a pause, then, “Did you try telling her?”

  “Telling her what?”

  “That you’re sweet on her, dumbass!”

  It wasn’t possible—was it? I pressed my knuckles against my lips. I knew Ben was attracted to me, but I couldn’t be sure that he knew. After all, he hadn’t shown any signs of interest whatsoever. Was Pete just needling him?

  Ben’s voice grew taut. “Even if she weren’t off-limits, telling her I had feelings for her would just send her running as fast as she could in the opposite direction.”

  “I don’t know about that,” Pete replied. “If you don’t tell her, she might start feelin’ all rejected and go runnin’ the other direction anyway. I’ve seen her lookin’ at you. I know you’re her superior and all, but she’s a grown woman. I mean, if the feelings are mutual…”

  “The feelings are not mutual.” Sounding dejected, Ben added, “She hates me right now.”

  Had Ben just admitted that he had actual feelings for me? I leaned in closer still, trying to get a better look through the opening in the door. But my knees had gone weak. I slipped and fell against the wall with a loud thud.

  I heard footsteps quick-march toward me, followed by a soft knock on the door. I was busted. “Cate, are you awake?” Ben asked.

  I did my best fake yawn and eye-rub as I opened the door. “Yeah, I just woke up,” I said in my sleepiest voice.

  Ben appeared to have fallen for my act. Pete, on the other hand, had clocked my guilty expression. He grinned at me as he called out from the sofa, “There’s blanket creases on your face.”

  I glowered at him. “Thanks, that’s very helpful.” I ran my hand over my face. Sure enough, blanket creases.

  Ben looked me over from head to toe. “How are you feeling now?”

  I was in such a tangle of emotions that I had no idea how to answer him. Finally, I just said, “Better.”

  At that moment, Asa and Eve bustled into the room carrying plastic-wrapped trays of food. “Lunchtime!” Eve announced as she and Asa began to set up the food.

  Ben leaned in close to me. “I’m glad,” he murmured. “You had me worried.”

  I smiled to reassure him that everything was okay. I didn’t know why everything was okay, since I was sure that I still had every reason to be mad at him. I just couldn’t seem to remember what those reasons were at that precise moment.

  “Hungry?”

  I nodded. Ben took me by the elbow and we walked out into the lounge together.

  Chapter Eighteen

  With the unexpected news that Ben might have real feelings for me, I found myself warming to him again. That would explain why he’d gone to such lengths to keep me from leaving. While that didn’t excuse his blackmail stunt, at least there was some kind of reason behind it.

  Still, I decided it was wise to keep my guard up, at least for the moment. I wanted to know why Kai had said that they couldn’t lose me—although I didn’t know how to find out without revealing that I’d been eavesdropping. Besides, I still planned to leave the program at the end of the day, which might kill any feelings Ben had for me stone dead. I’d already seen how he could turn on a dime from warm and intimate to cold and distant. I would have to keep watching my back.

  Meanwhile, there was lunch to distract me. Everyone seemed energized after the morning’s ritual. Ben hung in the background, once again not eating. Pete kept shooting me knowing looks, which I studiously ignored. Once the lunch gathering started winding down, Ben motioned for Kai and me to join him in his office.

  Kai had changed out of his stage clothes and into jeans and a saffron-colored blouse. He still had a glow about him, pleased with the way the ritual had gone. “How are you feeling?” he asked me as we settled into the armchairs.

  “Back to normal body temperature, I think.”

  Ben had once again switched back into manager mode. “So the purpose of this meeting is to talk about the ritual this morning and to answer any questions Cate might have. Cate?”

  Was he serious? I had nothing but questions, like why I had turned into a human ice cube, for one thing. I didn’t want to say anything that might offend Kai, though. “Honestly, I don’t know where to start.”

  Kai smiled. “Well, how about we start with do you like your totem?”

  I fingered the pendant. “It’s gorgeous, Kai. Did you put this on me?”

  “Mm-hmm. And yes, I know it’s pretty, but it’s also very important, honey. We opened you wide up this morning, but you do not want to stay that wide-open all of the time. You’d be like a big exposed net, walking around and catching all the emotional energy around you—positive and negative. More than you can handle, believe me.”

  “And potentially dangerous,” Ben added in a warning tone.

  “Don’t worry, though,” Kai reassured. “As long as you’re wearing the pendant, your aura will be sealed up tighter than a drum. You’re still vulnerable to toxic surges until you learn that meditation next week and we clear out whatever negative emotions you’re still carrying. But this pendant will at least keep any new ones from coming in. I tailor-made it for you.”

  My mouth fell open. “Wow, you did? Thank you! It’s beautiful. I love it.”

  “I’m glad.” He beamed. “It’s a replica of a Scottish Bronze Age pendant that had powerful protective properties,” he explained. “I connected with the spirit of the original designer while I was making it, so it’s a darn nigh perfect copy.”

  “You talked to a Bronze Age jewelry designer?” I asked, making an effort to sound curious instead of dumbfounded.

  “That’s right. He was also a mystic, and he was really annoying. Couldn’t keep his mouth shut about life on the Other Side. Trying to get detailed instructions out of him was like pulling teeth. But I digress.” Kai leaned over and lifted the pendant off of my chest. “The cross marks your heart chakra, and the circles represent the never-ending circle of life. I also infused it with my energy, so it’s potent. But you have to wear it all the time until we close you back up at the end of the program, okay? I mean, sleep in it, shower in it, have sex in it, everything.”

  At the mention of sex, Ben pressed his eyes closed for just longer than a blink. Then he cleared his throat and added, “Except when I instruct you otherwise. You’ll want to take it off when we’re doing certain training exercises so you can fully access your gifts.”

  “Right. Only then, take it off,” Kai agreed as he released the pendant, “but then put it right back on.”

  “Can I still…access my portals?” I asked, trying to get used to the new terminology. “The ones I have left, I mean.”

  “Absolutely,” Ben said. “It won’t affect your portals at all.”

  “Okay.” I reached up and ran my fingers over the ridges of the design. “It protects me from absorbing negative emotions, so don’t take it off except when you tell me to.
” I shook my head, not quite believing that those words had come out of my mouth.

  Kai looked at me and laughed. “Good lord, girl! You look about as confused as you did during the ritual. You turned three shades of white this morning, you know.”

  “Yeah, it shook me up a bit.”

  Kai gestured for me to lean in closer. “All right, let’s start there. What scared you?”

  But I didn’t want to talk about it. My emotions still felt as though they had been put through a blender. I wanted to put the focus on Kai by asking him more about his gift. What was it like to talk to the dead? What were his beliefs about the afterlife?

  I really didn’t want to ask those questions in front of Ben, though. I was afraid that if Ben got the idea that my skepticism was softening, he would start trying to push me into things I wasn’t ready for. I’d had enough shocks to my system over the past couple of days. I needed some breathing room.

  Something in my face must have given me away. Kai gave me a broad wink. “Benjamin, dear,” he said, “would you mind terribly going and getting us two cups of tea? And take your time with it.”

  Ben appeared to get the message. He cleared his throat. “Uh, sure. No problem. I’ll be right outside.”

  “Thank you.” A smile slowly spread across Kai’s face. “Okay, so now that we got rid of Soldier Boy, what scared you so bad this morning?”

  I didn’t want to offend Kai. I clasped and unclasped my hands. “To be honest, until this morning, I didn’t believe in life after death.”

  Kai nodded sagely. “But you do now.”

  “Well, I can’t say that for sure, but I guess I believe it’s possible now. I mean after what you said, especially about the blue turtle.”

  “I’m sorry, baby.” Kai patted my hand. “When I’m channeling, I act as a conduit. I don’t often remember all the details of what I said. A blue turtle?”

  I told him about my mother’s brooch.

  “Oh, I see. Yes, that was a pretty powerful validation. Sounds like she didn’t want to leave any room for doubt—although I can’t imagine why she’d be worried about that with you!”

  I smiled at his dramatic hand-flourish. “I guess there’s a part of me that still can’t believe it was really her. I don’t know what to think.”

  “Give yourself some time,” Kai said gently. “For somebody who didn’t believe in life after death when she woke up this morning, you’ve traveled a long distance in a short amount of time.”

  “Thanks. I guess you’re right.” I shifted uncomfortably, both wanting and not wanting to ask a question.

  “Is there something else?”

  I pressed my fingers against my mouth so I wouldn’t bite my lip. “Do you think dreams can be, you know, real? Because I dreamed about my mother recently, and she said she’d be visiting me soon. Then this morning happened.”

  Kai took both of my hands and squeezed. “Yes, honey. Dreams can be real, and the dead often come to us in dreams in order to communicate. But I think we should talk about that another time—maybe when Ben’s not sitting in the lounge feeling like a third wheel and holding two cups of tea.”

  I smiled weakly. “Okay. Thanks.”

  “Don’t worry, baby, everything’s going to be fine. I’ll send him back in.” Kai gave me a warm smile before heading out into the lounge.

  Within moments, Ben appeared and handed me a cup of tea. “Everything okay?”

  “Yeah, everything’s fine. Thank you.” I sipped quietly as he took his seat behind the desk.

  “You’re welcome.” He leaned forward and put his elbows on the desk. “So we have acupuncture with Eve in a little while. But first, there was one part of your ritual I think we need to talk about, if it’s okay with you.”

  It only took me a second to guess which part he meant. I couldn’t believe he’d told Pete that he thought I was suicidal. Humiliation and anger sent my pulse racing. That was my business—and my mother’s, apparently—and I had no intention of discussing it with Ben or anyone else. “Well, I do mind, as a matter of fact. That was my ritual, not yours. And since you didn’t even find it necessary to prepare me for what might happen ahead of time, guess what? I get to decide when to talk about it, if ever!” I punctuated the last word by pounding my fist on the arm of my chair.

  All of the blood ran out of Ben’s face. “I apologize, Cate. I shouldn’t have pushed.”

  I blinked in surprise, unprepared to deal with an apology from Ben. What if he did have feelings for me, and was genuinely worried…? I felt myself softening. I sighed. “It’s okay. It’s just been a lot this morning.”

  Ben held up his hand. “No need to explain. We’ll talk about it when you’re ready.” He ran his hand through his hair. “I’m sorry, Cate. I can be a real clod sometimes.”

  In spite of the seriousness of the conversation, I had to suppress a stitch of amusement. Had he really just called himself a clod? “That’s true. You can be a real clod.”

  He squinted at me. “What?”

  “Very clod-like.” I grinned. “I’m glad to hear you realize that.”

  Relief washed the lines from his face. “So we’re okay?”

  I considered. It was probably my last day in the program, and therefore, my last chance to find out if there could potentially be something between us. I closed my eyes and decided to take the leap. “Well, that depends.”

  “On what?”

  As the next words came out of my mouth, I couldn’t quite believe I was saying them. “On whether you’ll hold my hand while Eve sticks needles into me.”

  • • •

  That evening, I floated around my house in a warm haze. Worries and unanswered questions still sat in the back of my mind, and the constant ache in my chest where the portals had been closed had not gone away. But something had shifted between Ben and me, and it had left my whole body deliciously warm and humming. The sensation was so pleasant that I allowed it to push everything else into the background—at least for one night.

  Eve’s touch with the acupuncture needles had been so light that I couldn’t even feel most of the insertions. She had worked primarily on my ankles and wrists, putting a few needles in my midriff, too. The placement of the needles had prohibited any actual handholding, but Ben had sat right next to me the whole time while I stole occasional glances at him.

  The consummate professional, whatever else he may have been thinking about, Ben had kept our conversation focused on what Eve was doing. He was determined to make sure I learned something no matter what.

  Eve explained that by placing the needles where she did, she was correcting imbalances in the flow of my chi, or life force. As unlikely as that sounded, I knew that acupuncture had really helped some of my clients. It was even covered by a lot of health insurance companies, so I figured there must be something to it.

  Pete and I hadn’t said much on the drive home, but he’d worn a stupid grin on his face the whole way. When he dropped me off and said, “See you in the morning,” I didn’t argue. He was right, after all; I had decided to give the program one more day.

  • • •

  As I lay in bed trying to sleep, my mind drifted to the blue turtle. My mother had lived simply and hadn’t accumulated many possessions. Most of her estate had been sold to help cover her final expenses.

  A thread of longing pulled painfully at my chest. I got out of bed, walked over to the dresser, and opened the red-velvet jewelry box. Inside lay the gold turtle, its blue opals shining in the moonlight. Mom had never told me much about it, other than that it was a gift my father had given to her when I was born. I picked it up and pressed it to my lips, then carefully put it back in the box. I made a silent wish that I would dream of her again soon.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Hell Week, Day Four

  Wednesday morning found me sitting on a chair in the church basement with my eyes closed. I was feeling that sensation of cool air blowing on the crown of my head again. Ben assured me that since it was
October, they did not have the air conditioning on. According to Asa, the cool sensation was due to spiritual energy entering my body.

  Asa was in the midst of what he called giving me a Reiki attunement—my second that morning—which was supposed to open me up to a certain vibration of healing energy. That sounded to me like something he must have seen in a science fiction movie, but after my fumble with Kai the day before, I had decided to wear my skepticism on the inside for a while. I could hear Asa breathing deeply, and I was aware that he was moving his hands around my head. I kept my eyes closed and waited patiently until he said, “Okay, done.”

  Pete was napping in a chair off to one side with his hat drawn down over his face. I had been wondering what he was doing in the basement with us. For the most part, Pete seemed to disappear until he was needed. My question was answered when Asa placed a chair on the floor in front of me facing in the same direction as mine and called Pete over. “Okay, Cate, I’m going to show you something really cool now,” Asa said, beaming.

  As Pete came over and sat in the chair, Asa drew what looked like a strange doodle on a piece of paper and handed it to me. “This is called the Talking Symbol.” Asa drew it in the air. “Try it.”

  Tentatively, I drew the doodle in the air. “It looks like a dinosaur.”

  “That’s good! It’s good to come up with your own ways of remembering the symbols,” Asa said. “Normally when I’m teaching Reiki, I have a whole four-day curriculum that I follow. I would be giving you a lot more history, background information, and other stuff. But since we’re sort of putting you on the fast track here and you already have empath abilities, we’re just going to go for it. Okay?”

  I nodded, grateful that I would only have to sit through the short course.

  “So, the Talking Symbol lets you communicate with people’s subconscious minds, to help them heal deep emotional stuff. I know you know all about that, though, ’cuz you’re a therapist.” He smiled brightly. “So what you’re going to do is draw the symbol I taught you earlier—the one you called Curly-Cue—over Pete’s head, followed by the Talking Symbol. Then rest your hands on his head and ask him—silently in your mind—if there is anything you can help him heal.”