All the Broken Places

by Anise Eden

  Ben pushed himself up and stepped over to the fallen chair. I awkwardly pulled myself into a seated position on the floor while keeping Vani’s blanket wrapped around me. My body ached all over, and it felt like someone had kicked me in the sternum. Not knowing where to look, I stared at my hands as they clutched the blanket closed.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Kai take Ben by the arm and pull him aside. Although his voice was low and intense, I could just make out his words to Ben: “I don’t know what happened here, but if you yell at her right now, I will skin you.”

  Ben looked at Kai for a moment, then nodded and made a conciliatory hand gesture. Kai walked over to me, gave my shoulders a light squeeze, and whispered in my ear: “I’ll see you later, baby.”

  I nodded but still didn’t have the courage to look up. Kai turned and followed the others up the stairs.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Ben looking around on the floor. He picked up Asa’s notebook, which was still open to the Distance Healing symbol. Then he found my folded-up piece of paper.

  “Who’s Elana Bruter?” he demanded in a tone that brooked no opposition.

  I struggled to speak. “I can’t tell you.”

  “I can’t hear you.”

  I cleared my throat. “I can’t tell you,” I managed with a little more volume.

  “A client, then.” He walked back around and sat down on Asa’s other chair, facing me. His voice was biting. “For the record, as the clinic manager, I’m bound by the same rules of confidentiality that you are, so yes, you can tell me. Do you understand what just happened?”

  I looked down and shook my head. Of course I had some idea, but I figured it was safer to claim ignorance.

  “I think you do, but I’ll explain anyway,” he said, the emotion in his voice intensifying. “You nearly died is what just happened—and you would’ve died if we hadn’t heard the lamp fall over.”

  I didn’t move. There was a long pause. I sensed that Ben was working hard to exert control over himself.

  “So you tried the Distance Healing technique on this Elana person, am I right? And you opened a temporary portal.”

  I still didn’t move.

  “As I warned you, that was an extremely dangerous thing for you to do at this point in your training,” he said with cold fury. “Judging from the profound effect this had on you, your client must be very ill.”

  I closed my eyes.

  “The Distance Healing technique opens portals much larger than those you’ve encountered before, so you felt the full weight of this client’s emotional toxicity. Are you listening to me?”

  I looked up at him. His eyes were like flames burning into me. My tears started to flow again. “Yes, but Ben—”

  “No, Cate. No ‘buts.’” He closed his eyes and appeared to be trying to decide what to say next.

  Pete stood up, slowly walked over to where Ben sat, and murmured something in his ear. Ben thought for a moment and nodded. “Pete will take you to the Urgent Care Center to make sure you’re all right, then he’ll take you home. He’ll stay on your couch tonight.”

  “But—”

  Ben silenced me with a look. “You’re going to need to sleep this off.” He made it sound like an order. “We’ll talk tomorrow morning. In the meantime, don’t try any more stupid stunts.” The last two words exploded from his mouth. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach.

  Ben nodded to Pete. Then he stalked up the stairs.

  By that point, I was crying in earnest. Pete held out a hand to help me up. His voice was gentle. “C’mon, sis. Let’s go.”

  Only because I knew somewhere in my mind that I couldn’t sit there on the floor crying forever, I held out my free hand and let Pete pull me to my feet, clutching the blanket closed around me.

  Chapter Twenty

  Hell Week, Day Five

  When Pete and I arrived at the church on Thursday morning, he walked me all the way from the parking lot to the door of Ben’s office. I felt about as fragile as I had the morning after I had discovered vodka and orange juice, multiplied by a factor of ten.

  I had awakened to the sound of Pete yelling up the stairs, “Get up, get up, get out of the rack!” I begged him to let me stay home for one day at least, but he kept saying in different formulas of words that it would only make matters worse. Finally, I gave in. I only had the energy to throw on sweatpants, a T-shirt, and sneakers and toss my hair into a sloppy ponytail. I figured it was just as well; if I looked as miserable as I felt, I might garner a little more sympathy.

  My phone vibrated on the ride to the church: a voicemail from Simone. The anticipation of hearing her voice felt so good I nearly cried. Then I did cry as I listened to her message. “Hey Cate! I heard they caught that asshole who threatened you. Thank God, or I was going to have to go all vigilante on him. Anyway, I know you’re busy with your program and I probably shouldn’t bother you with work stuff, but just I had to tell you, I got the weirdest message from Elana. She called from Washington Hill, said she was in a meditation group yesterday and she had a vision that you appeared and hovered over her like a ghost or something, and that you smiled and put your hand on her heart, and this purple light filled her…I don’t remember the rest, just that she said you healed her, and she’s been gradually feeling better ever since. She hasn’t even needed any of her ‘as-needed’ medications since she had the vision, and she was taking all of them before. Isn’t that wacky? I know you love wacky stuff, and you were worried about her, so I just had to tell you. Everything’s fine here. I hope you’re taking good care. Call me soon, okay?”

  I listened to the message twice, sniffling and drying my face on my sleeve. Pete asked if was good news or bad news; I told him good. He seemed satisfied with that. For my part, I was overjoyed to learn that Elana had received the Reiki energy I’d sent her before I collapsed, and that she was feeling so much better. It also buoyed my spirits a little to know that everything I’d gone through the day before—and whatever I was about to go through—hadn’t been for nothing.

  As we approached Ben’s office, I could see Dr. MacGregor through the door, wearing a sharp gray suit, sitting in one of the armchairs and listening intently to someone—presumably Ben—sitting behind the desk. I felt a flash of panic: why would she be there unless they were kicking me out of the program?

  True, I’d been trying to get out of the program since day one. But I didn’t want to leave anymore. For one thing, I had begun to learn some useful skills. And then there was Ben…

  My stomach sank as I reminded myself that after the previous day’s disaster, there probably wasn’t Ben anymore—at least, not in the way I had hoped. I would be surprised if he could even stand to look at me. I swallowed hard. As we reached the door, I gave Pete one last pleading look. “Come in with me?”

  “Chicken. Get in there.” He propelled me through the door by the elbow and closed it behind me.

  Dr. MacGregor and Ben both turned to look at me. “Cate, you look terrible,” Dr. MacGregor said. “Sit down.”

  Ben was dressed more formally than usual, in an expensive-looking black suit and a crisp light blue shirt—sans tie, as usual. After giving me a disapproving look, he turned back toward his mother.

  “Benjamin here tells me you have been giving him a hard time,” Dr. MacGregor said. “I can’t say I’m terribly surprised. As they say, ‘Doctors make the worst patients.’ That’s because they think the rules that apply to everyone else don’t apply to them.” She smiled. “I’m a terrible patient myself.”

  I felt a momentary pang of sympathy for her doctor, whoever that might be.

  “So tell me,” she asked, “what is it going to take to make this work?”

  I blinked in surprise. “What?”

  “I mean, what is it going to take to keep you in the program and to convince you to follow the rules?”

  “You mean you’re not kicking me out? You actually want me to stay?”

  Dr. MacGregor smiled
indulgently. “Of course we’re not kicking you out. Whatever gave you that idea?”

  “I don’t know,” I muttered. “I guess I thought, after what happened yesterday—”

  “Oh no, dear. My goodness. We all make mistakes, and besides, from what I heard, you made yours with the best of intentions. Isn’t that right, Benjamin?”

  Ben gave a stiff nod.

  “We would very much like for you to complete the program. You have a rare combination of talents. We would never go to all of this trouble to train you otherwise.” She picked up a pen and began tapping it on the arm of her chair. “However, we do need you to follow the rules. As Ben has explained—and as you saw yourself yesterday—they are there for your safety.”

  “I know,” I said quickly, trying to show how cooperative I was before she had a chance to reconsider. “I get that now.”

  “Good. To be sure that we’re clear, Benjamin and I have created a new, simpler set of rules for you that should obviate the risk of any future misunderstandings.” She laid her pen on the desk with a decisive click. “You will do what he tells you to do, and you will refrain from doing what he tells you not to do.”

  Hearing the rules expressed in those terms made them seem much more difficult to follow. At least they were letting me stay. “Okay,” I muttered.

  She leaned forward. “What was that?”

  “Yes, okay.”

  “All right then.” Dr. MacGregor smiled and began to stand.

  “Um, Dr. MacGregor, before you go—”

  “Yes?”

  I pushed through my ambivalence about whether I really wanted to know the answer and forced myself to ask the question that had been on my mind. “I was just wondering, what happened to me yesterday?”

  “Oh, yes. Well, you’ve heard the expressions ‘died of a broken heart’ and ‘paralyzed by fear?’ Those are actual medical conditions. The first is called stress-induced cardiomyopathy, or broken-heart syndrome. And several conditions can induce temporary loss of muscle control. In your case, acute stress probably induced either hysteria or cataplexy.”

  “You can actually die of a broken heart?” I asked in disbelief. I remembered feeling as though I might a few times after my mother passed away, but I never knew that it was a real possibility.

  “Of course. Surely you’ve heard of the mind-body connection.”

  “Yes, but I didn’t realize it was so strong.”

  “That’s why you’re here, dear, to learn new things.” Dr. MacGregor glanced at her watch. “So apparently, in spite of multiple warnings,” she gestured toward Ben, “you chose to bite off a good deal more than you could chew. Your body is only designed to handle your emotions—and also because you’re an empath, very small amounts of emotion from other people. But by opening that portal yesterday, for those few moments, you essentially asked your body to handle not only all of your emotions but all of your client’s, too—a client who I gather is not well. Your body is not equipped to handle all of that, so it responded by shutting down. Perfectly simple.”

  “Oh,” I mumbled.

  She peered at me over her glasses. “You have a sharp mind, Cate, and I appreciate your eagerness to learn and understand. All will be explained eventually, but we simply can’t teach you everything at once. You can’t explain heat conduction to a child, for example, but you can still instruct him to keep his hand off the stove, correct?”

  “Yes.” I bristled at the comparison.

  “Good. I’m glad we understand each other. I’m afraid I have private practice patients to attend to this morning.” She stood and gathered her coat and purse. “We’re glad you’re here. You’re a unique young woman, and you’ll be a great asset to our team. Benjamin, are you still taking Eve to Rockville this afternoon?”

  He nodded.

  “All right then,” Dr. MacGregor said, turning back toward me. “If neither of us are here, do whatever Peter says. Benjamin, call me when you get there.”

  “Will do,” he said. She left the room, closing the door behind her.

  All at once, I was alone with Ben. Afraid to make eye contact with him, I stared at the front edge of the desk and fingered my pendant.

  The room was ominously quiet. It became evident that Ben wasn’t going to be the one to break the ice. The longer you stay silent, I thought, the more uncomfortable you’re going to feel. Tentatively, I asked, “So, you and Eve are going to Rockville?”

  “To visit a sick colleague.”

  “Someone you’re close to?”

  “No.”

  I bit my lip. So it was going to be like pulling teeth. I figured I’d better get directly to the point. “Look, Ben, about yesterday—”

  “What about it?” His voice was cold.

  I wanted to ask him if he was still angry with me and if we were going to be okay, but I was too afraid of what his answers might be. So instead, I tried to explain myself. “Elana Bruter, she’s the girlfriend of Don, that guy who threatened me.”

  I paused to let that sink in. Although Ben’s expression remained unchanged, at least he was listening.

  “She checked herself into the hospital last week,” I continued. “I was really worried about her, even more so after Don told me he’d been over there to see her. That’s why I tried to send her…you know.”

  “Flowers? A card?” Ben raised an eyebrow. “You know, you could have told me that you were worried about your client. We could have asked Asa to send her Distance Healing, or the whole group could have joined in for greater effect. But that’s not what you did, is it? Which raises the question: are there any other clients you’re worried about that you’d like to discuss, or are we going to have to keep pulling out the defibrillator every time you have a bleeding-heart moment?”

  Tears pricked the corners of my eyes. I dropped my head into my hands.

  Ben leaned over me and put his hands on the arms of my chair. “Pete told me you overheard the end of our conversation in the lounge the other day. You remember, the one you claimed to have slept through.”

  Of course I remembered. My face burned. Goddamned Pete. “So?”

  “So you must have some idea of what it was like for me to come downstairs and find you nearly dead yesterday. What is it going to take for you to start trusting me?”

  “It’s not that I don’t trust you,” I muttered.

  “Cate, look at me.” He spoke the words gently, so I looked up and met his gaze. Once our eyes locked, I couldn’t turn away, even though it felt like he was reaching inside of me and giving me a shake. “I know you’ve had to rely on yourself for a long time. It shows. You’re creative, independent-minded, and resourceful. I admire those things about you. But we can’t work in isolation here. The work is too complex and high risk. We have to work together.”

  If my near-death experience the day before hadn’t taught me that, nothing would. “I understand that now.”

  “I’m glad to hear that, but I need you to do more than understand. I need you to start acting like it. Honestly, Cate, I don’t think I can take another day like yesterday.”

  As he spoke, the agonized expression I had seen on his face the day before returned. “Ben, I’m so sorry.”

  “I don’t need another apology. I need you to promise me that you’re never, ever going to put your safety at risk like that, ever again. And since you don’t know where all of the risks lie, that means following my instructions to the letter as long as you’re in this program.”

  “Okay, I get it,” I said, trying not to sound reluctant. “I really do. I promise.”

  He looked at me for a long moment as though he were trying to decide whether he believed me. “All right then,” he finally said. Ben stood up and handed me a tissue from his desk.

  I took my first full breath since Ben had begun hovering over my chair and dabbed the moisture from my eyes. “So everyone pretty much hates me now, right? I mean, I wouldn’t blame them. Or you.”

  Ben paused, looking as though he were trying t
o think of the right thing to say.

  My eyelids flew wide open. “Oh my god, I’m right, aren’t I?”

  “No, of course they don’t hate you. Everyone was a little frustrated with you after they pieced together what happened, but only because they hated to see you get hurt. But that quickly changed into admiration for your compassion and your dedication to your client, qualities that are highly respected here.” Ben frowned. “Then Kai decided the whole thing was my fault, somehow. I don’t know what’s gone on between you two, but he certainly seems to take your side a lot.”

  It was comforting to hear that the others understood my motivations. That gave me some hope at least. But I noticed that Ben had carefully skirted the issue of whether he hated me. I pressed the tissue against my eyes to staunch a fresh threat of tears. “I’m really good at ruining things, aren’t I?”

  “I won’t disagree with you there.”

  I looked up in alarm, but his eyes flashed with amusement. “I’ve been told recently that I should try to be less argumentative,” he explained.

  “How thoughtful of you,” I said dryly.

  “But I do have to contradict you on one point.”

  “And what’s that?”

  “I don’t hate you.”

  My heart gave a small leap. “You don’t?”

  “No.”

  “Oh.” I screwed up my courage. “Well, that’s nice to hear, but it doesn’t really matter, does it? Because I’m ‘off-limits,’ right?” I put the offending phrase in air quotes.

  Ben arched an accusing brow, but a smile played at the corners of his mouth. “So Pete was right. You were listening in.”

  I bit my lip. The time had come to go for broke. If Kai was right and they could teach me how to have a normal relationship without freaking out, then why not give it a try with Ben? There was a mutual attraction; I had my protective pendant; and after all, it wasn’t like I had anything left to lose. I stared at my hands as they worried the tissue in my lap. “Look, we’re both adults here. I know you probably have some policy about managers not dating clients. But policies are made to protect the vulnerable, and I’m not vulnerable like that.” I looked up and waved the tissue at him. “I’m not even sure why any of the usual policies would apply here. I’ve never heard of a program like this. I don’t even know what to call it. It’s more like a series of workshops—”