“Nick, please just let me go. I don’t want to be here right now,” she begged
I hated the way she was pleading with me. The shakiness in her voice increased with each word she said. I didn’t want her to be afraid of me.
I didn’t want to scare her any worse than I already had. I wasn’t sure what to do. I didn’t want her to go. I was afraid that if she left, I’d never see her again. At the same time, I didn’t want to ruin any chance I had left, no matter how slim that chance was.
I certainly didn’t want to make things any worse than they already were. I removed my hand from the door and took a few steps back. She threw it open and ran out. Just like that, Alexa was gone.
I didn’t have much in life. Alexa was the only thing in my life that meant anything to me at all. She was my life. She was my entire existence.
Now, she was gone. I’d lost her, and there wasn’t anything I was going to be able to do about it. There would be no talking my way out of it. I fucked up, and I was going to have to live with that reality.
A hollow, empty feeling filled my open as I closed the door before leaning against it and sliding down to the floor. I sat there, looking at my empty apartment and started to cry.
It was a new experience for me and one that I didn’t like at all. I never cried when the state came and took me from foster family to foster family. I never cried when these families, who were supposed to love and care for me, beat me belts or choked me when I didn’t act exactly how they wanted me to.
I didn’t cry when I was convicted of attempted murder. I couldn’t even remember the last time I cried.
That night was miserable to me. My mind wouldn’t shut off, and there was no way I was going to be getting any sleep.
All I could think about were what-if scenarios that I couldn’t do anything about. I thought about the things I should have done differently from day one. I thought about all the things I should have told her.
When I couldn’t think about what I should have done differently. My mind turned to Alexa in general. I thought about how I felt the first time I laid eyes on her. I thought about the first time she and I had sex.
I thought about the week at the cabin that we’d just come back from. I thought about the way her body looked, the way she always smelled so good. I could still remember just the way she tasted. I sat in my apartment by myself for hours playing back all the time we spent together.
I spent most of the night remembering everything about her. I remembered the way she felt when we made love and the way I felt the first time I heard her tell me she loved me.
I couldn’t go down with a fight. I couldn’t let things end like that. She was mine. I knew I was right for her, whether or not she believed it at the moment.
As good as I was for her, I knew she was even better for me. I didn’t just want Alexa, I needed her. I needed her in my life to keep me grounded. She kept me sane. I felt like she gave me a purpose to go on when everything else seemed impossible. In some ways, she was my reason for breathing.
Since I met her, she was the reason I got out of bed every morning because I knew she’d be waiting for me at the end of the day. She was the kind of person that you only meet once in a lifetime. I couldn’t let her go. I refused to let her go. I was willing to do whatever it was I needed to do.
I was going to get her back.
14
Alexa
It had taken me a lot longer to get home than it usually did. It was hard to drive with shaking hands and the tears filling my eyes.
I was still having a hard time processing everything that had happened. It caught me off guard, and I was finding it especially difficult to wrap my head around it.
As I pulled into my parking lot, the tears had finally stopped, but my head continued to spin.
A million thoughts ran through my mind. Was any of this actually happening? Was it all a bad dream? Was I going to wake up relieved that none of it actually happened? As lovely as that would have been, I knew better. My world was being turned upside down.
How could Nick hide something like that from me? He seemed so real. He seemed so trustworthy. He seemed so genuine.
When he told me he loved me, I was dumb enough to believe him. Instead, he made me out to look like a fool. I should have been used to that. He sure as hell wasn’t the first person to do that to me.
There I was, being the naive, trusting girl that I always was. I was a fool who was willing to give myself completely to someone who didn’t deserve it. I gave him the best of me, and all he did was lie to me and manipulate me so he could get what he wanted.
He told me what I wanted to hear so he could get into my panties and I let him. He used me for his own benefit. I thought he was different but in reality, he was just like any of the other assholes that I’d been with in the past.
I went inside my apartment and didn’t even bother to take a shower. All I wanted to do was go to bed and put an end to the horrible day I’d just had.
I didn’t even bother to take off anything other than my shoes. I crawled into bed, buried my face into my pillows and closed my eyes.
I intended to sleep until morning, but that ended up being much more complicated than I’d expected. Instead of resting up, I laid there, replaying the day’s events.
The day was going fine. I was going through his apartment and organizing it for him. Early in the afternoon, I noticed the mailman out the window and figured I’d grab his mail for him so he wouldn’t have to do it later.
I didn’t figure he’d have a problem with it. He left the key sitting on the kitchen counter and as far as I knew, we didn’t have any secrets to keep from one another.
I never even intended to go through his mail. I had just placed it down on the counter when a return address caught my eye.
It was from the Minnesota Department of Corrections.
I knew that meant it was from a jail or prison in the state and figured it was probably put into the wrong mailbox. I was looking to see who it was addressed to so I could get it to the right person when I saw that it was actually sent to Nick.
I spent the next few minutes being very conflicted.
Why would Nick be getting something from the Minnesota Department of Corrections?
It didn’t make any sense. I made the decision to open it. It wasn’t a decision that I’m particularly proud of, but I made it, and there was no turning back. I had to know what it was.
Why would it matter anyway? If Nick didn’t have anything to hide, me opening it would have been no big deal. Instead of the letter being something harmless, it was a letter from his parole officer, letting him know when and where Nick needed to come in and meet with him.
My mind spun, and I was in shock. I felt like I had tunnel vision as I stared at the paper, not being able to see anything but the white sheet in front of me.
Had Nick been in prison without bothering to tell me? The letter referred to the Ramsey County Correctional Facility, which was about an hour from where we lived.
How was it possible that he could have been at the Ramsey County Prison in Minnesota? Nick and Curtis had both said that he’d lived in California before coming to work at the construction company Curtis owned. Surely he would have mentioned being in prison, wouldn’t he? Everything was starting to sink in as I sat in his kitchen.
Nick had never been in California.
That was just a big line of bullshit that he fed to me. He lied to my face. All of the things that he’d told me he’d done had all been lies. Everything he said about his life had been lies.
All of the stories about his childhood and his family, none of them made sense. None of them seemed to add up over time. Even something as simple as what he used to call grandma changed with the stories. Sometimes he would refer to her as Granny and other times he called her maw-maw.
It was odd that he didn’t have a specific thing he called her all the time. I remember thinking it was weird before but it never seemed like something th
at was worth questioning him about.
One thing I did notice was that when Nick would tell me about his past, specifically anything about his family, he never showed any emotion whatsoever.
He wasn’t happy or sad when he told me about them. The stories were just empty. It was different when he told me stories about Curtis.
The two of them obviously had a solid bond. They each thought of the other as their brother. That was evident from the way they both spoke of one another, but none of that emotion was ever present when he talked about family.
I wondered if any of the things he told me about his family were true at all.
I have no clue how long I sat at his kitchen table, waiting for him to come home. I just remember sitting there, wondering what was going to happen when he got there.
I didn’t know if I should leave before he got there, especially since I didn’t know what he’d gone to prison for.
Would I be in danger if I stayed there? Was Nick a dangerous man? Was he a violent offender of some sort? Did he kill someone? Did he do something to a woman he was dating?
He had never done anything to me in the time we’d been together. Hell, he had never cursed at me or even so much as yelled at me. For our entire relationship, he always treated me so well. He always acted like a total gentleman. He was a sweetheart.
How much of that was an act, though?
Maybe the way he was treating me was all a cover-up. Perhaps it was to hide the person he really was. I was so deep in thought, I didn’t even hear my cell phone ringing over and over.
The true panic didn’t set in, however, until Nick walked into his apartment. I’d lost all track of time and didn’t realize that it was already time for him to be home.
He appeared in front of me before I’d had a chance to decide how I wanted to handle the situation. I was still trying to wrap my head around everything when he appeared next to me, touching my shoulder. That touch was more than I could handle. That was when I lost it.
I couldn’t put up with a man who had lied to me every day. I couldn’t endure the betrayal and the deceit. When I walked out the door, I had already made the decision that I was never going to see him again.
I didn’t care that he had a bunch of his things at my apartment. I didn’t want to think about that. I could get his things back to him somehow.
At the moment, however, I needed to get in contact with Kim and Curtis because Nick hadn’t been the only person who was being dishonest.
15
Nick
I didn’t understand where she could be. I’d been sitting at Alexa’s kitchen table for at least two hours, waiting for her to come but she hadn’t arrived. She should have been home long before.
She probably wouldn’t have let me come by if I had called and asked, so I just dropped in, using the key she had given me to let myself into the apartment.
I needed to talk to her, and she was ignoring all of my calls and text messages. I hated doing things the way I was going about doing them, but it was the only way that would work.
I received a call earlier that afternoon from Curtis, telling me that Alexa had been at his house, and she was pissed.
She insisted that Kim and Curtis explain to her why they didn’t tell her about me. Fortunately, Kim wasn’t home at the time, and Curtis was able to talk to Alexa in private.
She was pissed off that Curtis didn’t tell her about me, but he explained that I was his best friend and needed his help. After much begging and pleading, Alexa agreed not to tell Kim about it. Whether or not she would keep true to that agreement remained to be seen.
During their conversation, Alexa told him exactly what she was feeling towards me. She said that she felt like I did nothing but manipulate her. Hearing him say that hurt my heart unbelievably bad.
I didn’t want her to think that way as it was never my intention. I never wanted to hurt her. She didn’t know what I was feeling towards her. She was wrong about my feelings and my intentions.
All along, my intentions were good. I just needed to find some way to get my point across to her. I needed her to see that I was sincere. I needed to be able to prove these things to her.
As it got dark outside, the inside of the apartment darkened as well. I didn’t bother turning on a light, so I sat in the darkness waiting for her. Besides, if she came home and saw a light on inside, she might not come in, and I really needed to be able to talk to her.
I don’t know how long I sat there in the dark before I finally heard her key unlocking her door. I tried to stay relaxed, but my nerves were getting the best of me. I’d practiced what I was going to say to her over and over again in my head for the previous few hours, but all those thoughts disappeared. All of those thoughts were replaced by a blank space.
My legs were shaking as I stood up from the chair and waited for her to turn on the lights. She always came in, turned on the lights and did something in the kitchen. That night was different than what I was used to. Instead of flipping the lights on, I heard her footsteps walk through the living room and into her bedroom. The first light she turned on was a small lamp that sat on one of her end tables.
Slowly, I started making my way into her bedroom. The whole conversation would have been much easier if she had walked in to see me sitting at her table. Now that she was in her room, the fact that I was there might scare. I didn’t want her to be afraid of me. I didn’t want her to look at me and see fear, hurt, and disgust in her eyes.
If I had it my way, I would have just remained in the shadows until she came around, but I knew that wasn’t going to happen unless I had a chance to talk to her. While I tried to figure out how to announce my presence, I stood in the hallway, watching as she sat down on her bed.
I’d never seen a woman look so broken before, and I felt horrible knowing that I was the reason.
I wanted so badly to be able to walk into her bedroom, tell her everything was going to be okay and have her actually believe me.
I wanted to hold her and make her feel safe. I wanted to do whatever I could do to make her forget all the things I screwed up. I wanted to somehow make her forget that everything had happened. I wanted to hear her telling me that she loved me again.
Unfortunately, none of that was going to happen, so I stayed in the hallway until I figured out a better plan.
Alexa was sitting on the edge of her bed with her face buried in her hands. She started to shake, which was when I realized she was crying. I hated seeing her like that.
My insides were torn up with guilt from putting her in that position. I hated seeing her like that, so I stepped into her room.
“Alexa?” I muttered, not wanting to alarm her.
She let out a yelp and jumped up off her bed, surprised that she wasn’t alone in the apartment. She stood there staring at me without saying a word for what felt like hours. I tried to get a read on her expression, but she had her poker face on.
“I want you to leave, Nick,” she finally said, her voice sounding frail and weak. She was no longer crying, but there was no hiding the fact that she had been. I felt uncomfortable standing in her doorway, but I really needed her to listen to me. I took a couple of steps towards her, but she backed off, her body tensing up.
“I mean it, Nick! I want you out of my apartment right now!” she demanded, this time with more bass in her voice.
“Alexa, please hear me out. Please give me a chance to explain everything to you,” I begged. My mouth was suddenly parched, causing my voice to crack.
“No. You had your chance to explain everything to me since the day you met me. Now it’s too late. I don’t want to hear any of your excuses. I can’t listen to any of it,” she said as she fought back the tears. She wouldn’t even look me in the eyes.
“Alexa, please, at least give me a chance. I love you. I’m not the person you think I am.”
“Yeah, I think I’ve already figured that out.”
“That’s not what I mean, Alexa. I talked to Curti
s, and he told me that you were over to see him. I know you think that I’m a liar and that I took advantage of you, but that isn’t true at all. I mean, yeah, I wasn’t honest with you about my past. I didn’t want to tell you that I did time in prison. I knew there was no way in hell you would have ever given me the time of day if I would have told you that. I mean, look at you. You wouldn’t have ever given me a chance. Am I right?”
I waited for an answer of some sort, but she continued looking straight down at her floor.
“I needed to be someone else, somebody much better than the man I had become,” I continued. “I was already starting my life over, and I needed a clean slate. I knew I wanted you from the first night we met, and I knew that in order to have any chance at all with you, I’d have to show you that I was good enough. I had to show you that I was worth taking a chance on. The only way I could do that was to act like I had a healthy upbringing. I couldn’t let you know how fucking broken I really am so I acted like I had a normal past with a normal family. I was stupid to think it would work. It was really fucking stupid. You have no idea how many times I wanted to tell you the truth about who I was and the things I’d done but I couldn’t. By that time, it had all snowballed out of control, and I had no way out.”
For the first time, Alexa looked up and was actually making eye contact with me as I talked.
“I never wanted to lie to you, Alexa. I didn’t want to deceive you. If I could go back and fix it, I would, even if it meant you and I never would have been together. I wanted to tell you everything, and I think I would have whenever the time was right. It was dumb to believe that you’d never find out about any of my issues. I’m really sorry.
I mean, I fell in love with you the first night I met you. I hate the fact that you’re hurting because of me. I never wanted you to hurt. I never wanted any of this. The only thing I wanted from the beginning was you. That’s still all I want.”
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