Torn (Torn Series, Book 1)

by Melody Anne

  Cynthia no longer seemed to care that I was messing with her machine. I was glad. I wanted to stare at it dripping into the cup so I could take more calming breaths. We had just arrived at the house and had three more days and nights there. If I didn’t get myself under control soon I was bound to blow up.

  I didn’t lose my temper too often, but when I did, it was like a nuclear bomb going off. I in no way wanted that to happen. I wasn’t sure if Mason would choose me if his mother gave him a choice of me or her. I never wanted to put that theory to the test.

  We had a long way to go before we went to sleep, and I needed to make the most of the visit. If Cynthia drove me too crazy, I could always say I had a headache and needed to lie down. She’d probably appreciate that, loving the extra time with Mason. If I stayed with the two of them long enough, I wouldn’t have to lie about my head hurting.

  I sat beside them after my coffee was done and reminded myself I’d get to see my dad the next day. That made the visit worth it.

  When I went to bed — alone — I asked myself if my marriage was still worth it. When an emphatic yes didn’t come to mind, I was more worried than I had been before.

  All marriages have ups and downs. It couldn’t be perfect all the time. But when I realized I was happier anywhere but with my husband, I knew I had a lot to be worried about. Sleep didn’t come easily to me. It hadn’t for a while.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Now

  The hotel room curtains aren’t shut, letting in the brilliant desert sun as I open my eyes. I blink several times as I try to wipe the sleep from eyes and come back to reality. I’ve been dreaming . . . dreaming of the past. Why in the world have I been thinking of Cynthia?

  She isn’t the world’s most horrific mother-in-law, but I bet she’s in the top ten. This thought makes me smile as I stretch. My hand hits something on my pillow and I turn to see what it is.

  I come fully awake when I see a purple lily and a note. I pick up the flower and inhale its sweet scent, a sigh escaping me. My fingers tremble as I lift the note.

  I don’t like to say I told you so, but I’ll bet the house that you feel one hundred percent this morning. Okay, I actually don’t mind at all being right and telling you. By the way, you were breathtaking when you let out a little sigh and snuggled against my chest as I carried you to your bed. It took much more restraint than I realized I possessed to lay you down and walk away. You’re the most stunning, intriguing, fascinating woman I’ve ever met. I want to know so much more about you. See you in a few hours. — Kaden

  My heart skips a few beats as I reread Kaden’s words. He carried me to bed, found a flower, and wrote me a note. How long did he stay while I slept? Would I have beckoned him if I’d woken?

  Even in my sleep I turn to him. He’s, of course, right. I don’t feel any effect whatsoever from my drinking the night before. As a matter of fact, I haven’t woken up feeling this good in a very long time. I’m glad he ordered the food and made sure I drank water and coffee.

  I want to lie in bed and enjoy the flower he left me and read the note a few more times, but my bladder won’t allow it. I grab the flower and take it in the bathroom with me before I get in the shower. I peer through the glass door at the perfect lavender color as I wash myself.

  My body tingles with unfulfilled awareness. I ache all over. Nothing can happen between us, but I’m not convincing myself to keep that promise. Kaden may be right. We may end up together.

  Doesn’t that mean I need to tell Mason it’s over? Don’t I need to leave my husband? He certainly can’t fault me for it. We aren’t happy together. But there’s another part of me that says we aren’t miserable either. And we’ve been married ten years, together for thirteen. Do I really want to throw all of that away for a fling?

  And yes, I know it will be nothing more than a fling. Kaden made that more than clear. He doesn’t do relationships. If he did, he certainly wouldn’t be propositioning me when I’m actually available to be his.

  I look at the flower again.

  His actions confuse me. This is such a romantic gesture. But how am I to know what someone does when they want to sleep with another person? I’ve been with exactly one man my entire life.

  Mason was the one to take my virginity and I’ve never thought before of sleeping with another person. Even those times we were on breaks, I couldn’t do it. Maybe that’s what’s wrong with me now. Maybe I’m missing something.

  I don’t think I’m the type of person to want something just because I haven’t had it before. I grew up in a simple life. I’ve earned everything since. I don’t covet what others have.

  This is just a matter of me not knowing myself, not knowing what I want, what’s important to me. It has to be that. I don’t want to think of myself as a bad person. I want to believe in myself and my values.

  I get dressed in my favorite work skirt and top, slip on my jacket, and do my hair and makeup. I’m stronger. I’m more confident in my work clothes, more stable. It reminds me that I love this job; I don’t want to do anything that can jeopardize it. My coworkers are good people. A short fling with Kaden isn’t worth losing all of this.

  I have some coffee and a muffin that were left on my counter before I make my way downstairs. I’m meeting the team in a conference room on the basement floor of the hotel.

  It’s a very nice area. Even though it’s below ground, the lighting is so perfect it doesn’t feel closed in. There’s nothing about this hotel I don’t like, not yet at least.

  I’m the last to arrive besides Kaden, who I don’t think is coming. As the most junior employee I feel a little guilty about that. I look at the clock showing I’m fifteen minutes early, but I still feel guilty. Maybe I need to be thirty minutes early tomorrow.

  “Good morning, sunshine,” Dell says, seeming far too perky for a man who was drinking and gambling last night.

  “Morning,” I reply. He must notice the confusion on my face.

  “I won a thousand dollars last night. Kaden was wrong saying the house always wins.” He smiles smugly. “I’m definitely a winner.”

  “Good for you,” I say. His enthusiasm is contagious.

  “How did you sleep? As much as you were wobbling last night, I thought for sure you’d be walking in here wearing dark sunglasses and complaining about every little sound,” Dell says. He passes a cup full of cash to Jenny. She grins at me.

  “I had total confidence you were a class act and would be just as perky as you normally are,” Jenny says as she pulls out the money and begins counting. “And I won.”

  “Won what?” I ask.

  “Oh, we were betting on the new girl. I thought you’d look like hell,” Dell says with a shrug of his shoulders before sweeping his hand across the table. “The rest of the team agreed with me. We were betting on degrees of illness. Jenny said you’d be fine. I was on such a roll last night I thought there was no way I could lose. But this bet’s okay to lose. Although I hope it’s not the beginning of a bad streak.” He loses his grin at the thought.

  “Glad to see how much confidence you have in me.” I chuckle as I sit and pull out my computer and notes.

  “We’re a team,” Dell says as if it’s no big deal. “Now let’s kick some ass so we win this account.”

  The morning goes by quickly and we have a working lunch. Slowly my tension eases and I quit looking at the door every time there’s the slightest noise. Kaden is off with the big wigs like I expected. I don’t have to face him in front of everyone after practically throwing myself at him last night. I don’t know what I was thinking.

  Nothing has changed between us and nothing can. Maybe I’ll grow to appreciate that he makes me feel good about myself without blowing it into something it isn’t.

  This situation makes me confront my life, makes me realize I need to make changes. If I can figure out what those changes are I�
��ll be in a much healthier position than the one I’m currently in.

  It’s interesting to tour the area where the conference center will be built, and the hotel staff are wonderful to us. As much as we’re trying to impress them, they are trying to impress us too. I’ve never experienced anything like this. I know this is going to work out; we will get the job.

  Will that mean more trips to Vegas — with Kaden? I can’t think about that. I can’t constantly think about him.

  Even if I don’t admit it to anyone else, I can’t deny I’m disappointed when the end of the day comes without seeing him. I go to my room and let it go. I assure myself that’s what needs to happen. I change and get ready for bed.

  Then someone knocks on my door . . .

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Then

  I wouldn’t exactly say I ran away from my mother-in-law’s place, but I was up with the sun and out the door before anyone else in the house so much as turned over in bed.

  I was excited to see my dad. There was a part of me that was disappointed Mason didn’t come with me to visit, but I was mostly grateful. I didn’t like sharing my father. There was rarely a time in my life I had to.

  Of course we have other family, and I’ve always been okay sharing him with them. But I wasn’t sure how I’d feel if he got into a relationship. I would like to think I’d be gracious about it, happy he had someone special. Doesn’t everyone deserve that? I’d be happy for him. Slightly jealous, but more happy than anything. I worried about him, hated how much time he spent alone.

  My dad always told me he wasn’t lonely, that he lived a full and rich life. But all I had to do was look in a mirror at myself. I chose to stay married, partially because I’d taken vows and promised to do that, but also because I was afraid of what would come next. I was afraid I’d regret it if I wasn’t with Mason.

  It took about ten minutes to get to my dad’s place and a smile instantly replaced my frown from thinking about all that was wrong with my marriage.

  My dad stepped onto his front porch and grinned. I barreled out of the car as if I were a little girl again and ran up to my dad, throwing my arms around him. I felt so secure in his arms. It was still the safest place on earth.

  “I’ve missed you, Dad,” I said, inhaling his woodsy scent.

  “I always miss you, baby girl,” he said in his gruff voice. “Come have some coffee with me while we watch the forest come alive.”

  I reluctantly let him go and followed him inside his cabin. It was such a comforting place. There were only three rooms. One was a tiny bedroom some people would classify as a closet. It only had room for the mattress he refuses to get a bed frame for because he thought it was better for his back to be directly on the floor. There was a tiny closet, but he didn’t own a lot of clothes, just his favorite flannels and waterproof pants for walking in the woods. He always had nice boots because I bought him a new pair every Christmas.

  The living room and kitchen combo was small and efficient with a loveseat, a comfy easy chair, and a small table with two wooden chairs. There was a gas stove and small refrigerator. No microwave. He was a simple man.

  He brewed some coffee and we took our cups outside and sat on the most comfortable furniture at the place, two plush chairs I gave him for his birthday.

  His small back deck was my favorite spot, and I wanted him to enjoy sitting for hours without hurting his back. I curled my feet up under me as I looked into the woods, enjoying the sounds of the critters beginning their day.

  “Have you had any cougar sightings?” I asked with a shiver.

  “Nope, not in a long time,” he assured me.

  “I don’t know how you walk these woods alone. I know you’re a big guy, but it would freak me out,” I said.

  “You love the cabin,” he pointed out.

  “I know, but that’s because there’s a door I can run through and lock if I feel danger.”

  My dad chuckled. “I never lock these doors.”

  “Dad, that’s just foolish. You should take your safety seriously,” I lectured.

  He laughed again. “I don’t have much. I don’t need much, but if someone really needs something so bad they feel they have to break in, I’ll just give it to them anyway.” He shrugged.

  And he’d do exactly that. I wished the rest of the world could be as wonderful as my father. I wished I could be. There’d never be any wars, or famine, or coveting. We’d all live peacefully. I felt slightly guilty about the two-hundred dollar jeans I was wearing. I bought them on sale at least.

  “I love how compassionate you are. You’ve always made me want to be a better person.”

  He smiled. “I have my vices too, Miranda. No one’s perfect. But I think we’re all better off if we don’t judge others and that includes ourselves. We can’t be kind and good if we’re always looking for the bad. There’s a reason things happen, and if I leave it up to whoever you believe is out there, I don’t have to let it affect me. I know it’s out of my hands. People are going to be who they are. We’re all shaped from the time we begin forming in the womb, and life teaches us lessons if we pay attention. I’m not afraid of the woods. That’s the safest place on earth. Fear holds us back. Love sets us free.”

  Tears stung my eyes as I listened to my dad. He always had a way of making me feel better, not only about life, but about myself. I loved him for that. I loved him for so many other things, but especially for that.

  “I really need to get down here more often,” I said.

  “You know you’re welcome anytime,” he assured me.

  “I know, Dad.”

  We were quiet for several minutes and he knew I needed to talk to him about something important. He didn’t rush me, just allowed me to gather my thoughts. He’d always been that way. He knew I’d talk to him when my thoughts were done spinning in my brain. He was right.

  “Would you think I was an awful person if I left my husband?” I finally asked.

  He didn’t answer right away. He kept his eyes on the trees in the distance where a family of squirrels chased each other around the sturdy branches. There were two babies trying to keep up with their parents. It was quite endearing.

  “Is he treating you badly?” Dad asked.

  Now it was my turn to think about the words. My shoulders sagged.

  “No. He’s good to me. Things have just changed. I don’t know what happened. We were so in love, and he always made me feel like I was the center of his universe. Now it seems like we never talk.”

  “Have you spoken to him about it?”

  I sighed. “No. I’ve been too afraid to do that, afraid he wants to leave me,” I admitted.

  “It doesn’t sound like you want to get a divorce,” my dad said. “First of all, there’s nothing you could ever do that would make me think any less of you, whether anyone thinks your actions are right or wrong. No one knows why you’re choosing to make a decision. Second, I think you should talk to Mason. If you have feelings this strong, you need to communicate with each other. You won’t be able to solve anything by blowing things up in your mind.”

  A tear fell. “I’m so confused. I don’t know why I’m unhappy.”

  My dad scooted his chair a little closer and wrapped a big, strong arm around me. I leaned against him, letting my head fall against his chest. Taking a few deep breaths, I was instantly calmer.

  “I don’t know what’s going on in your mind or your heart, baby girl, but I do know you’ve always been a gifted child, and you have a beautiful heart. Don’t keep kicking yourself. If you’re unhappy, you have to try to figure out why. It might not have anything to do with Mason. Maybe you aren’t living your dreams, maybe there’s something else at work. Don’t give up on yourself.”

  “I don’t think I’m doing that, but I just don’t know.”

  My dad didn’t respond. We sat and finished
our coffee as I took comfort in his embrace. My worries slipped away.

  “Maybe I just needed to be here,” I said after a little while.

  “Coming home is always medicine for the soul,” he assured me.

  He was absolutely correct. I knew it wouldn’t matter how old I got. Whenever I was with my dad I felt like a little girl again, needing his protection. I truly was blessed that I could still come to him.

  “Don’t ever leave me, Dad,” I said, suddenly feeling panic at the thought of not having him in my life.

  He chuckled then spoke softly. “There will come a time I’ll have to take a journey into whatever is out there,” he warned. More tears slipped. “But I promise you I won’t leave you. I promise I’ll always be here, and even if you can’t see me, you can always talk to me.”

  I was too choked up to say anything for a very long time.

  “I’m going to stay for a while today.” I couldn’t pull myself away, didn’t want to leave the safety and magic that surrounded my father.

  “You can stay as long as you like. There’s no one else I’d rather be with and nowhere else I want to go,” he told me. I knew he meant that.

  I just didn’t realize the years were already slipping away . . .

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Now

  I open my hotel room door and Kaden is on the other side. We stare at each other for several long moments and I don’t know what I want to say, don’t know what I want to do. He doesn’t make a move, just waits as if he can see the internal struggle I’m experiencing. I appreciate him much more because of that.

  “We should talk,” I finally say as I step aside for him to enter.

  He comes inside, and I move to the small living area. I choose the comfortable armchair, leaving the couch for him. He smiles as he sits down. He’s so used to being the one to lead people, to tell them where to go and what to do. I’m not a woman to easily be led around.