The Secret Wife

by Susan Mallery

  “Heaven,” she murmured, closing her eyes briefly as she let the treat melt on her tongue.

  “That about describes it,” Fallon said from her place on the sofa. “All we need is some well-oiled young man rubbing our feet.”

  Kayla shook her head. “I don’t think so. I’d rather have my sugar-and-fat fix separate from any foot rubbing. I want to be able to fully concentrate on the experience.”

  “The foot rubbing or the eating?” Fallon asked.

  Elissa chuckled. “The eating,” she and Kayla said in unison.

  Fallon nodded. “That’s what I thought. Just checking.”

  “This is nice,” Elissa said. “We were last together for our birthdays in July, but before that it had been close to a year. I like these get-togethers. Let’s not let another year go by before we do it again.”

  “We’ll be together at Christmas,” Kayla reminded her. “That’s not so far away.”

  “But it won’t be the three of us,” Fallon said. “You’re bringing Patrick.”

  Kayla’s green eyes darkened. “Do you mind? I know it was supposed to be just the three of us, but he is my husband and—”

  “Stop it,” Elissa said gently. “Fallon isn’t suggesting you leave Patrick behind. We like him. The point was it won’t be the same as just the three of us. I suggest we send him out on a fishing boat or something for the day and then make time to be alone together.”

  “That’s great,” Kayla said.

  Fallon scooped up another spoonful of ice cream. “Little Elissa. Forever the peacemaker. I guess some things never change.”

  She was right, Elissa thought, glancing at her sisters. Kayla sat on the floor, her back against the sofa. She wore cutoff denim shorts and a tank top. Both had survived countless washings. There wasn’t a lick of makeup on her face and her hair was pulled back in a messy ponytail.

  Fallon claimed the other end of the sofa. Tailored trousers and a tucked-in short-sleeved silk blouse emphasized the slender feminine shape they’d all inherited. Fallon’s hair was loose, but she’d blown it dry with a big round brush, taking the time to smooth out most of the curls. Conservative makeup emphasized wide green eyes and high cheekbones. If Kayla was the bratty one, then Fallon was the grown-up.

  Elissa looked down at her floral print sundress. Long hours playing outdoors with the children had left her legs and arms faintly tanned, so she wasn’t wearing panty hose. Her minimal makeup was somewhere between Kayla’s none and Fallon’s professional appearance. She’d pulled her hair back into a French braid, then tucked the end under, securing it out of sight with pins.

  They were a study in contrasts, as if a magazine editor had taken the same woman and given her three different looks. Their personalities were as different as their clothing choices.

  She glanced at the remaining half carton of ice cream, leaned forward in the love seat and picked up the cover from the table. She firmly put it in place, then stood. Each of her sisters followed suit. She collected the cartons and took them to the freezer.

  “You know they’re not going to make it through the night,” Kayla called after her.

  “I know,” Elissa said, “but let’s at least pretend we have control.” She returned to her seat and smiled. “So, what’s new in your lives?”

  Fallon and Kayla exchanged a look.

  “No, you don’t,” Fallon said. She crossed her legs and raised her eyebrows. “You’re the one suddenly living with her estranged husband. You go first.”

  Elissa resisted the urge to squirm. In the back of her mind she’d been expecting them to question her. It was one of the reasons she’d come to spend the weekend. Her sisters always helped her see things more clearly. Right now she was so confused about Cole and herself, about her feelings and what she was doing at the orphanage.

  “We’re not living together,” she said. “At least, not how you guys mean it.”

  Kayla touched a hand to her chest. “Did I say anything about sex? Did you?” she asked, looking at Fallon. “I think not. Elissa, I’m deeply, deeply hurt you would assume that either of us would even stoop to consider that.”

  “Uh-huh.” Elissa wasn’t fooled.

  “So have you done the wild thing?” Fallon asked with a straight face. “You don’t have to go into a lot of detail. A simple ‘Yes, but I haven’t been on top yet’ would be sufficient.”

  “You guys!” Elissa reached next to her for a small pillow and tossed it in their general direction.

  Kayla nodded solemnly. “That would be a no, Fallon. Elissa and Cole have not done the wild thing yet.”

  Laughter exploded in the room. Elissa leaned back in the love seat and realized she was lucky to have two wonderful sisters who cared about her.

  When the room was quiet, she drew in a deep breath. “I like being there. Our visits when we were kids were so fleeting we never really got a chance to understand the workings of the orphanage. I thought it would be a sad place, but it isn’t. These children are warm and loving. All they want is to belong. While it isn’t the same as a traditional family, they have something there, and it’s quite wonderful.”

  “A new career choice?” Fallon asked.

  “Maybe. I’m not sure. It’s only been a few weeks, so I’m still at the ‘in love’ stage you get with any new job. Sometimes the work is hard and sometimes I don’t know what to say to the kids. The office work is easy, but it’s the children who give me a sense of purpose.”

  “Kids are great,” Kayla agreed.

  “Do you still stay in touch with that little girl you met earlier this year?” Fallon asked. “The one in the bad car accident?”

  Kayla spent part of her day taking dogs to visit seniors at a nursing home. Earlier in the summer, she’d started visiting a young girl confined to bed in a body cast.

  “Absolutely. Allison wasn’t up to coming to our wedding, but Patrick and I visited her just before we left on our honeymoon, and showed her pictures.” Kayla shifted on the floor and sat cross-legged. “So you like the kids at the orphanage. What else?”

  “I also enjoy giving to them. I ordered a jungle gym and some sports equipment. They love playing with everything. It’s very satisfying to watch.”

  “Elissa, tell me you’re not being foolish with the money,” Fallon said, obviously concerned.

  “I know what you’re thinking,” Elissa said. “In the past I was very worried about our trust fund. The thought of having a lot of money was terrifying.” She remembered the sleepless nights she’d spent as her twenty-fifth birthday had approached. While Fallon had devised a sensible plan for her money and Kayla had planned to travel the world, she, Elissa, had fretted.

  “I never understood that,” Kayla said. She rested her hands on her knees. “It’s just money. It can’t hurt you.”

  “It can if I turned out to be like our father.”

  Silence greeted Elissa’s statement. She shrugged self-consciously. “I guess I never told you guys, but I was afraid of being just like him.”

  Fallon leaned forward. “Elissa, Dad was a drunk. He spent money on fast cars, expensive clothes and cheap women. You have nothing in common with him.”

  “I can be impulsive, just like him.”

  Kayla rolled her eyes. “Dating someone for over two years before getting married isn’t impulsive. You’re not self-destructive. He always was.”

  “I know. I see that now. But while we were growing up, Dad always told me I was the most like him.”

  “Wishful thinking on his part,” Fallon said. “Elissa, you’re a sensible, responsible woman. I applaud your desire to share your good fortune with others. I just want to make sure you don’t give it all away in a fit of undeserved guilt.”

  “You’re right. I keep forgetting I’m not a scared little girl. I don’t have to be perfect to be loved.”

  Fallon grinned. “I’ve got news for you, kid. You were never perfect and we still loved you.”

  Elissa smiled. A warm glow filled her chest. T
his is what she liked best about her sisters. The belonging. No matter what, she always had a place with them.

  “I love you, too,” she said. “Don’t worry. I’ve hired a financial planner and she’s investing the money for me. I’ve set aside a certain amount for charity. I think I’m going to be giving it to the orphanage. I want to make a difference there.”

  “Oh, speaking of that, I made all the arrangements,” Fallon told her.

  “What arrangements?” Kayla asked. “I swear, you two are always leaving me out of the good stuff.”

  “Relax,” Elissa said. “The children were invited to a special science camp offered at the local university. Even with the discount the state offered, they couldn’t afford it. So I’m sending everyone.”

  “She mailed me the application and a check,” Fallon said. “I did the paperwork and sent it along. I also ordered a bunch of new clothes for the kids.” The oldest of the three triplets cleared her throat. “I, ah, decided to order a few more things than you’d put on the list,” she admitted. “I wanted to help, too.”

  Kayla frowned. “See. I was left out. Just because I’m the youngest.”

  “Ignore her,” Fallon said.

  Elissa looked at her triplet. “Thanks, Fallon. I appreciate it, and the kids will love it.”

  “So Cole still doesn’t know about the money?” Kayla asked.

  Elissa shook her head. “I don’t want to tell him. By having Fallon take care of the details, I can claim no knowledge and not actually be lying.”

  “Semantics,” Fallon said.

  “If it works, I’m not going to complain,” Elissa said.

  Kayla tilted her head. “So, how is Cole?”

  “Grown up,” Elissa said. “He probably was five years ago, but I never noticed. He’s responsible, good with the children.”

  “Is he still angry because you left?” Kayla asked.

  “Yes,” Elissa answered, trying to keep her tone light. “He’s not one to forgive and forget.”

  “Then he shouldn’t have acted in a way that would force you to leave,” Fallon said, bristling with temper. “That man was the most selfish, self-centered— ”

  “You’re being redundant,” Kayla said.

  “I know, but I like it. Selfish, self-centered toad.”

  Elissa drew in a deep breath. “Fallon, I appreciate you taking my side, but I’m not entirely blameless. I could have tried harder, too. I should have talked to him, or tried to get a life of my own. I wanted Cole to be my entire world, and that’s not realistic.”

  Fallon frowned. “So he’s convinced you that everything is your fault? That’s so typical of him. I don’t know why I’m surprised.”

  “No, it’s not like that,” Elissa insisted. “He’s a good man. If you could see him with the children.” She thought for a moment, wondering how much of Cole’s past she could share. Fallon had never really liked Cole, but she hadn’t understood him the way Elissa had…and did.

  “There’s a wonderful girl at the orphanage. Her name is Tiffany and she’s amazingly beautiful. Her mother is African-American and her father Eurasian, so she has stunning features and this gorgeous dark, curly hair. Anyway, her mother has a drug problem and has been in a rehabilitation facility. Recently Tiffany found out her mother had left the facility and no one knew where she was. Tiffany was crushed. I didn’t know what to say to her, but Cole did. He took the time to hold her and dry her tears. He heard her out, made sure she got counseling. He was perfect. I could only stand by and wring my hands. I didn’t like being that helpless.”

  “Fine,” Fallon said. “He’s great with kids, but a lousy husband.”

  “We were both too young,” Elissa said. “He only gets half the blame.”

  “He broke your heart.”

  “I left him.”

  Fallon didn’t look convinced. “So have you talked about getting a divorce?”

  Elissa stiffened. “No. Of course not.”

  “Why wouldn’t you? Isn’t that why you went there? To start a civil dialogue so you could get divorced?”

  Elissa glanced from Fallon to Kayla and back. “Why would you think that?”

  Kayla smiled gently. “Why else would you want to see him after all this time?”

  “Because—” She clamped her mouth shut. She didn’t really have an answer to that one. “I wanted closure.”

  “On the marriage?” Fallon asked. “Wouldn’t a divorce be the best kind of closure?”

  “No. I don’t want to divorce him.”

  “Are you still in love with him?”

  “No, but—”

  “Then what’s the point? This is just a farce. It’s been five years, Elissa. If he wanted you, he would have come after you. Maybe it’s time for you to grow up and face the truth.”

  Fallon wasn’t saying anything Elissa hadn’t told herself, but the badgering tone of the questions made her uncomfortable. She didn’t confront people well.

  “I’m not sure what Cole wants,” she said.

  “Have you asked him?”

  “No, but—”

  “Has he said he wants you around?”

  “No. I think he wants me to leave. I—”

  “Then the ball’s in your court. If you don’t love him, you should make a clean break. You both deserve that.”

  “But, I—”

  “Face it, Elissa. It’s over for both of you.”

  Elissa jumped to her feet. “Shut up,” she said loudly. “Stop telling me what I feel. I might not still be in love with Cole, but I care about him. I’m not prepared to divorce him. I don’t know if I’m willing to go the rest of my life without seeing him. I’m not ready to give up on my marriage.”

  Instead of shouting back, Fallon smiled. “Is that what you came home to find out?” she asked in a reasonable tone.

  “Yes!” Elissa yelled, then sank back onto the love seat. “I hate it when you do that to me.”

  “Force you to say what you feel?” Fallon asked.

  “Exactly. Ignorance is easier to live with.” She rubbed her temples. “Being with him makes me crazy. There’s a part of me that wants to make it work, but I’m so afraid. Not so much of making mistakes, but of the fact that he doesn’t need me. He’s made this terrific life and there’s no room for me.”

  “He could think the same about you,” Kayla said.

  “Maybe.” Elissa dropped her hands to her lap. “What if he doesn’t love me anymore?”

  “How does he treat you?” Fallon asked.

  “He mostly tries to ignore me.”

  She thought about their kiss. She’d pressed her mouth to his and had waited for him to respond. He hadn’t backed away, but he hadn’t returned the embrace. Funny how in their marriage she’d always been so terrified to try anything because she was convinced she would do it wrong. With nothing to lose, it was easier to take the risk. Or maybe she was more mature now. Unfortunately she wasn’t any more experienced.

  The only thing that had kept her from being completely humiliated by his lack of response had been the bulge she’d seen in his jeans. He might have been able to keep his face impassive, but there were parts of him that reflected the turmoil he felt inside. He might not have wanted her to know, but their kiss had turned him on.

  “If Cole didn’t care about you, he would be able to treat you like one of the guys,” Fallon said.

  “It’s true,” Kayla said. “Remember how crazy I was at the thought of you and Patrick dating? I didn’t know I loved him, but the jealousy nearly killed me.” Her youngest sister shrugged. “I saw Cole’s face when you were walking up the aisle at your wedding. I’ve never seen such raw emotion before. He loved you more than anything. I bet he still does.”

  Fallon nodded. “She’s right, but that’s not what’s important. You have to figure out what you feel. Do you love him? Do you want to make it work again?”

  “I don’t know,” Elissa said, wishing she could figure it out. “Even if I do, how do I get him to g
ive me a second chance? He’s never going to trust me again.”

  “That’s easy,” Kayla told her. “Men have one weakness. Exploit it.”

  “What would that be?” Elissa asked.

  Kayla grinned. “Seduce him, honey. He won’t know what hit him.”

  * * *

  Seduce him. It was great advice for anyone but her. How was she supposed to seduce anyone? She didn’t have the faintest idea where one started in a quest to seduce one’s husband.

  She’d almost asked her sisters. After all, they loved her and would be happy to give her advice. But she couldn’t. Even though they shared nearly everything, the thought of them knowing she was a complete failure in bed was just too humiliating to think about. Not that they would have made fun of her or anything. She sighed. Did it matter who knew? After all, she was putting the cart in front of the horse.

  Before she worried about the how, perhaps she’d better think about the why. Why should she bother seducing Cole…unless she was still in love with him?

  What was love? At twenty, she could have defined it perfectly. Now she wasn’t so sure. She admired and respected him. She wanted to spend time with him. Thoughts of him kept her awake at night. She wanted him to be happy in his work and in his life. She wanted to matter to him. Was that love?

  As she drove north, she recalled their past and all the mistakes. She remembered the good times, too. The miles flew by. When she turned off the highway onto the road that would take her to the orphanage, she had the feeling of coming home. As if this was where she belonged.

  It wasn’t about the place, she realized as she parked her car. It was about being close to Cole.

  She left her luggage in the trunk and hurried toward the main building. It was seven-fifteen. Most of the children would be in the TV room. Cole would be there, too.

  Elissa stepped inside and followed the sound of voices and laughter. She found Cole sitting on the center sofa, with a pile of children all around him. Gina sat on his lap. They were, she realized with some dismay, watching an old Sally McGuire show.

  She grimaced. That series was going to haunt her for the rest of her life.