by Brandi Aga
“Okay.”
Ryan squeezes my hand and walks me up the stairs to the mediator’s office. It’s an affiliate to the courthouse and very official. It’s scary, intimidating. We go through a metal detector and place our phones, keys, and any other metal or sharp items in the plastic bin on the tray.
Once the three of us get through that process, Shane leads us up yet another flight of stairs and down a long hall full of business offices. “Here we are.” Shane holds the glass door open for Ryan and me, and we make a grand entrance with all eyes on us.
“Hello, you must be Mrs. Foxworth?” The woman who I assume will be mediating our session stands and walks around the giant table that is the only thing that separates me from Roman.
I hold out my hand and firmly shake hers with a kind smile on my face. Kindness is everything and gets you a long way here. “Leylah.”
“Ryan Foxworth.” Ryan does the same and Shane follows behind him. Shane sets his briefcase on the table, and we all take a seat. Roman has yet to say a word to me, and he’s barely looked up from his phone since seeing me walk in. Next to him sits a pretty woman in a fancy blazer and pencil skirt. He looks like a seasoned biker sitting next to her. I mean, he is one, I guess, but sitting next to her drags him down a couple notches. She’s professional looking, like she belongs working in a place like this. He looks like a criminal that should be under the jail. I have no room to judge her, seeing as I was once attracted to that criminal. But people change, clearly.
I learn that Clara will oversee us today, making sure Roman and I don’t kill each other while we try to peacefully work something out that suits us both. That is what she’s here for, right? To babysit us while we try to work out our shit to save a couple bucks and the hassle of going back and forth to court. After walking in this room, I think I’d almost prefer it to this. I’m going to have to make that twenty-ninth trip to the bathroom any minute now.
I also learn that the pretty blonde woman sitting next to Roman, Veronica, is his lawyer that’s been representing him all along since his release. Of course she is. I’d expect nothing less of him.
Shane hands Clara the paperwork we were mailed to fill out before we arrived. She has a small fee but according to her, Roman agreed to split it down the middle with me.
“Now, just a reminder, there are a few simple rules of conduct today. You all must use common courtesy and allow each other to complete statements without interruption. You may take notes on your provided tablets to allow preservation of thoughts and any questions you might have while it’s not your turn to speak, but no information may legally leave this room. It’ll all be collected at the end of the session. Documents used in here cannot be used later as evidence in court if the need to go to such lengths were to arise. Understood?” Everyone says their parts of agreement and Shane gives me the go ahead to voice my wants and concerns.
“I guess I’ll start.” I clear my throat wanting to try and take the reins on having the upper hand and maybe he will simply give me what I want. Wishful thinking. “We’re here because obviously we both want what’s best for our daughter. I’m only having such a hard time with all of this because she’s so little and doesn’t know anything but Ryan and myself. You have been absent up until now.” I pause, taking in the effect my words have on him. Shane was strict about not shit talking Roman and his role as a parent, or the lack thereof. Not here and not today. And while I’m not exactly doing that, I’m not going to lie about my feelings either. Don’t want to look like a shitty ass person? Don’t be one. “But I understand you’re trying to do the right thing now.” I throw that in more for Shane’s benefit than anyone else’s.
“She is my daughter just as much as she is yours,” he cuts me off before I can continue any further. Veronica swivels her head in his direction and has the gall to look nervous, unsure if she’s going to be able to control the beast sitting next to her. Welcome to my world, princess. You unleashed him, now deal with it.
Veronica takes the opportunity to quiet him and speaks out for the both of them. I personally feel that’s her best bet. Maybe she is smarter than I gave her credit for upon my first impression of her. “I wrote up a draft of sorts, just as a visual, of a timeline that Roman sat down and handpicked dates for Maddilyn to spend in California. You can take a look at them and see what you think.” She hands the papers to the mediator who then walks them over to me. “The days Maddilyn would be spending with Roman are as you see highlighted. We are flexible with the events that may override the regular schedule such as vacations or medical emergencies.”
I take my time going over all the days, holidays, and birthdays for the next two years. That’s what I’m looking at. A timeline of the days my daughter will be away from me out of the next seven hundred and thirty days. The days Roman would be spending with her are highlighted in pink.
“Jesus, that’s a lot of days,” I scoff unamused and this warrants me no response from anyone.
“Can I have a moment in private?” I ask Clara. Not Roman and not his bitch of a lawyer. She’s not a bitch, or maybe she is, I don’t know. She’s just doing her job, but it makes me feel better to think of her as one.
“Absolutely. Shane, you may walk Mr. and Mrs. Foxworth to the private conference room right next door. We’ll take a break and meet back here in thirty minutes. If that isn’t enough time, we will call another break.”
Roman stands from the table and waits for us to exit the room. This is going to take forever if I have to leave the room to talk to Shane and Ryan about something without their ears overhearing. We should have just done this separately, but everyone I talked to advised against it. It’s a clusterfuck no matter how you look at it.
“What’s he offering?” Shane has his hands on his hips, ready to put in the work.
I lay the paper down on the table identical to the one in the other room and pull one of the rolling chairs up to it and collapse into it. “One week a month. All year long.” I flip through the papers to the following year, and it’s the same, just the opposite on all the major holidays.
Shane spends a lot of time calculating and inputting numbers. “This is significantly more than we were prepared to offer, but I know you already know that.”
“No shit,” Ryan interjects as if he just realized how shitty this is going to be. “We’re not doing that. That’s a lot of travel time, flights, airport pickups and drop offs in between his actual scheduled time. Plus, a whole fucking week? She doesn’t know this asswad anymore than I do.”
“I understand that, but realistically, it doesn’t matter. As the paternal father, he has every right to ask for this much and then some. He can ask for whatever he wants. It doesn’t mean we have to give it to him.”
I rest my head in my hands on the table and pray for the strength to get me through this.
“Here’s what we’ll do. We aren’t going to accept their offer. Instead, we propose our plan that we went in there with. They will review it like so, and if they reject too, then it’s back to the drawing board for everyone. Let’s give them our ideal schedule first, so we don’t have all our eggs in one basket, so to speak. Work for you?” Shane looks to me and Ryan and I nod because what else am I supposed to do?
We walk back in about the same time that everyone else does and take our seats. I used the restroom and got a drink to freshen myself up before facing him again.
Shane must not trust me to speak right away because like Veronica, he proposes our counteroffer for me. Be my guest. “Okay, guys. We wanted you to also take a look at our schedule, if you would?” He hands it to Clara and she, again, walks it to their end of the table. My days are in pink, his are in blue. Shane suggested a five to seven day visit every two months since Maddy is younger and not in school. Then we can bump it to one weekend a month or even every other month when she starts school. He also noted that there can be an allowance of times when he can come and visit her here, not in his home, state, and not on his time. Myself being the cus
todial parent, and Roman the non-custodial parent. Roman takes forever going over all the notes, the dates, and part of me wonders if he’s even reading it. Comprehending what all this entails. Or if he had his mind made up long ago and he’s only leaving me on the edge of my seat for his enjoyment. His world is about to be turned upside down with a human being that he has never cared for in his life.
Part of me really hopes he will just accept this, so we don’t have to take it to court before a judge. It’s going to get complicated that way because, like Shane said, laws are different in Texas than they are in California and I don’t want to get all of the higher up legalities involved.
“I’ll sign off on this,” Roman blurts out without even consulting Veronica.
Silence is once again earned all around the room. Pretty sure everyone else is just as shocked as I am, but Shane doesn’t miss a beat.
“Okay, great. Now, we just need to establish how you all will be communicating with each other about Maddilyn. I am going to assume text and phone calls?” He looks to me for confirmation.
“That’s fine.”
Roman agrees.
“And if any need for changes should arise, you will both be required to meet back here before a mediator, before any other legal decisions are made. Agree?”
After hours of planning and preparing the custody agreement, we sign it so it can be submitted to the court for approval. I feel like I just signed my daughter’s life away, and I’m not happy about it one bit. I’m the first one to exit the room and run to the bathroom to puke my guts out.
It’s been two months since our mediation session. Apparently, it wasn’t as quick and easy as we thought it would be with Roman going to jail previously for such a high-risk conviction. Even though it was dismissed he still had to complete a parenting course and an adult behavioral class with a shitload of hours before any judge would even look at our files to sign off on. Which was fine by me. It gave me more time to deflect the issue and pretend it was never going to happen.
That was all too short-lived though, because now I’m currently an emotional mess knowing that Roman is just minutes away from the house to pick up Maddy for the first time. She’s never truly been away from me like this. She’s stayed with Erin for short getaway trips, but she knows and loves Erin. And with our relationship on the rocks, it’s been a while.
I’ve been crying all weekend while I pack her bags to leave me for a whole week. That’s a long time for someone so little to be away from their mama. I just hope it doesn’t hurt her as much as it does me.
“Barbados is looking real nice right about now,” Ryan jokes. He catches me holding her blanket and sobbing over her crib, again. “She’ll be fine, baby. I don’t like it either but there’s nothing we can do short of fleeing the country.”
“It’s not funny.”
He sighs and sits down in her chair and rocks, the wood creaking every other beat.
“She’s never been with him. She’s never been on an airplane that she can even remember. It’s just plain mean, to me, to make her leave here when this is all she knows.”
“I’m not saying I don’t agree. I’m saying it’s happening whether we like it or not. So, try not to be so upset in front of her. He’s not going to hurt her or leave her somewhere. He’s got too many eyes on him.”
“Do you hear what you just said?” All of my fears are confirmed.
He throws his hands up in the air and stands to leave. “I love you. Stop crying.” I can’t. I’m blaming it on the pregnancy hormones.
The doorbell rings and I pretend I didn’t hear the truck pull into the driveway five minutes ago. I don’t know what took him so long to come in. Maybe he dreads this just as much as I do, and he’s only doing this to hurt me. It makes the most sense. Why wait so long to claim her as yours? Why does he all of a sudden insist on her knowing who he is?
I told Ryan he could leave. Go and pick up dinner while I handle this. That he doesn’t have to be here when Roman got here to pick her up, but he refused to leave. He said he wasn’t going to leave me, though, he’s here to support me. But really, I think he just wants to be here while Roman is inside his home, so they can have a pissing contest and compare dick sizes.
“I’ll get it,” I call out to Ryan in the kitchen and he says nothing. He’s downed a couple shots and I know this is hard on him, too. I just have no problem expressing it. Even now, this whole thing is a lot more nerve wracking than I expected now that the time is here. I don’t want to do this, but I also don’t want to throw Ryan in the middle of all of it either. I’ll put my big girl panties on and do it myself.
I swing the door open and there he stands, tall and rugged. “Hey,” I greet him as awkward as possible. My ex baby’s dad that I cheated on my husband with, who is standing right in the kitchen, is just hanging out on my doorstep. If that isn’t dysfunctional, I don’t know what is. I notice the way he eyes me when I’m not directly looking at him because it physically pains me to do so. I know him though. He doesn’t care if I’m looking or not. Or Ryan. He’ll look all he wants no matter who’s around to witness it.
“You look good,” he says, pointing to my baby bump under my dress.
I nod. “Yeah, baby’s growing.” Why couldn’t I have just said thank you? This is painful.
“Boy or girl?”
“I don’t know yet.”
He rubs his hand through his beard and nods looking past me. Small talk is not something I enjoy, and this is proven to be way more awkward than I anticipated.
“You want to come in?” I walk back inside and leave the door ajar for him to follow. Although, I really wish he’d turn around and just go home like he did the first time he came here. It’s not too late, miracles can happen.
I don’t know what to do in this situation. The etiquette of…co-parenting? I don’t think there are rule books for this type of thing. Is there a co-parenting manual? If not, there should be. I feel obligated to be nice to him so he’s nice to my baby girl. Does Ryan understand that? I hope so. The last thing I want is for him to mistake my kindness for something it’s not.
Roman lets out a whistle. “Fancy place you got here.”
I nod, knowing full well that was a dig at Ryan, but it’s okay. In one ear and out the other. My inner pep talk sounds like what I would be giving a five-year-old but whatever works. “Thanks. She’s in her room playing. It’s the last door on the right.” I gesture down the end of the hall for him to go ahead. “I’ll be there in a minute.” I duck around the wall that’s been blocking Ryan from our view once Roman starts down the hall and throw my hands up at him in a silent ‘this is awkward, what do I do, help me’ smoke signal. He shakes his head and gets another beer out of the fridge. Well, that’s helpful.
Let’s get this over with, I suppose.
I pad down the hall quietly, and sneak in the doorway of Maddy’s room. She’s all about sharing her toys and making new friends right now. Not a shy bone in her body. The selfish part of me hoped she would throw a fit and hide away from him and I’d demand she stay with me, but I know. I know I can’t do that. I need to get over myself already.
The view is not quite what I’d expected. Roman sits Indian style in the middle of the floor on her fluffy rug. Maddy carries her baby dolls one at a time and drops them in his lap. He looks ridiculous and out of place, but soft and it scares me a little bit that I’m already seeing this side come out of him.
He finally looks my direction when he feels me watching their exchange. “I know this is hard for you. Thank you for letting me see her.”
“I didn’t exactly have a choice, did I?” I make my way over to her rocking chair and sit. I guess we’re really doing this.
“She is my daughter too.”
“Really? In front of her?”
“You think she understands? She has no idea about…” he waves his hand around, “me and you.”
“Thank goodness for that.”
He gives me a look that says my
words hurt deep and I’m pushing it. Maybe being in the comfort of my own home gives me more confidence to say what I feel. It was probably a bad idea after all, to have him come here to get her. We should have met with our attorney like they suggested. “This is weird.”
“It is what it is and I’m trying to do right by her. Don’t make it something complicated.”
Noted. It hurts. It hurts so bad.
“Got it.” I pick up her bags that I had packed all week and put the few last-minute things in them that she needs. “She sleeps with this every night.” I hold up the pink blanket with elephants on it that she insists on having, or meltdowns will ensue and there will be no sleep. I run to the kitchen and grab her sippy cups and throw them in, too. “She sleeps with those at night, too. I know it’s a bad habit, but we’re working on it.”
He nods along to all the things I’m telling him, but I can see the gears spinning faster and faster with everything that I add to the plate. “She’s picky with what she eats but typically whatever you eat, she’ll eat, too. Within reason. Finger foods, obviously. It’s not as complicated as it seems, it’s just a lot of information. You can text me if you need to. Are you working?”
He smirks at my interest and my guard goes right back up. “Yes. I’m at the shop still.”
“Where will she be while you’re working?”
“Jesus, Leylah.” He runs a hand down his face and stands. His form overly intimidating in a pink room full of Barbies and elephants. “I don’t need an interrogation. I can take care of her. I will take care of her.”
My voice catches in my throat and I’m forced to swallow the lump down and act like he doesn’t affect me in any way, shape, or form. Good or bad. I can remain neutral in his presence. “I know. Sorry.”
“He pissed I’m here?” He tilts his head in Ryan’s direction through the walls down the hall where he drinks away his frustration.
