by Brandi Aga
“I mean, neither one of us are thrilled. He loves her just as much as I do.” He just nods while letting that sink in. That another man loves his daughter. I can only imagine what that feels like for him, but he had his chance before and didn’t take advantage of it. I waited and waited. Beyond that, it’s not my fault. I don’t sugarcoat it. “It’s like a culture shock for us and you’re going to have to give me some slack.”
“I can say the same.”
“You asked for this, though. I didn’t.”
“I don’t want a therapy session out of this, honestly. I just came to get her.” I laugh, clearly unamused. So unamused I’m sure I could blow flames out of my nose if I tried hard enough.
“Right. Well, if you fuck this up, you will need a therapy session. I’m not playing around.” He laughs to taunt me and at this point anything else I say is just pointless. He’s turned to egging me on like a teenager and I’m playing right into it. There is no reasoning with him or talking like two sensible adults because there are no sensible adults in this room at this moment, and I’m not even ashamed to admit it. When it comes to my family, I’m the most dramatic, unreasonable, protective mama bear you’ve ever seen, and I won’t apologize for it. “Take these bags in there. We’ll be out in a second.”
He does as I say without further comment. Maddy starts to follow but I call her back to tell her I love her in private. “Mads, come here.” I hold my hands out and she runs right into them. I snatch her up and hold her close to me and rock her back and forth while she struggles to catch up with her new “friend”. She squirms in my hold, not wanting to miss a thing that might involve her.
“Down, down!” I put her down against my will and off she goes.
Ryan catches her in the hallway and picks her up as she squeals in laughter. Out of the small handful of people in her life, he’s probably her favorite. He makes a makeshift chair out of his hands in front of him and carries her down the hall giggling the entire way. There she sits like a tiny queen on top of her throne.
Roman stands in the entryway with her bags at his feet. Oh, God. I feel like I’m going to puke. A common occurrence with my nerves here lately. I’m going to need everything to calm down after this. I don’t know how much more I can take.
“You want to go with your new friend on an airplane and go to the beach?” I ask her in a super excited voice. If I’m excited about it, then she has to be too. She’s never been in an airplane that she would possibly remember, and she’s never been to the beach. So many firsts that I won’t get to be there for. She sits there in Ryan’s arms, attentive but cautious. She gets quiet just as the rest of us do.
“We should probably get going.” Roman looks behind him out the front door. I know he’s itching to get out of here just as much as I am for him to be gone. “Don’t want to miss our flight.”
“Can we put her in the car?” I feel small asking, but I do anyway.
“Yeah.”
Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. It’s about to happen. I grab her car seat out of the truck and fasten it into the back of his rental. Ryan makes his way between me and the car door and buckles her in her seat.
“Have fun, okay Mads?” Ryan tickles her chest and she squirms to get out of his touch all the while begging for him to do it again. She loves it.
“I love you so much.” I thought I’d shower her with hugs and kisses and not be able to let go, but the longer I linger around, the harder it is to see her go. I need to say my goodbyes while I can still speak. I finally pull away from her and Ryan shuts the door. All is fine in her world until that door slams shut. It becomes clear to her that we aren’t coming with her.
Roman climbs in the driver’s seat and makes the final blow. “I’ll text you when we get to the house to let you know she’s safe.” I nod through the tears and shrug out of Ryan’s comforting grip. I just need to dive into my bed and not be out here doing this. I don’t even feel bad this time for leaving Ryan out there all alone with Roman.
I thought we were going to be okay, but Maddy’s been crying for hours now. I know it’s because I’m not familiar. Hell, I don’t even blame her. I’d probably cry too if some scary looking asshole took me away from my home. Not to mention the fact that I’m not her mother. She hasn’t been away from her, and I’m practically a stranger. This is equally hard on everyone. But I guess I didn’t realize it would affect her the most.
“You wanna call mommy?” Her eyes are red and puffy with snot pouring down her face, and she’s so upset she’s choking herself every other cry. I just know with each new sob she’s going to throw up all over us both. I rub circles on her back in attempt to calm her down and it helps a little. Reaching for my phone, I wince because it’s two hours ahead in Texas and it’s late, but I know she’d be more pissed if I didn’t call.
I scroll down to Leylah’s name and hit FaceTime. Maddilyn calms down at the sight of seeing herself on the screen. I pull her in closer to me while we wait for her to answer.
“Hey…” It’s dark on her end of the line and I can’t see anything until she flips on the lamp beside her bed.
“Mommy,” Maddy cries and sucks in the most pitiful sounding breaths I’ve ever heard as soon as her face pops up.
“Hi, baby. What’s wrong?” Leylah pulls her comforter up over her chest and I feel guilty for even looking. She’s still so beautiful, she hasn’t changed a bit. Besides the baby in her belly, that I didn’t give her. I look over to Maddy next to me, beyond relieved to see her mom. She touches her face on the screen and I feel all kinds of things I’ve never felt before. I haven’t even had her for twenty-four hours and I’m second-guessing everything. Am I doing the right thing? I’ve never been as weak as I am now that I’ve allowed all these women in my life. They have a hold over me that nothing else can compare to.
“She’s upset. We were all good till bedtime.”
“Hold on a sec,” she whispers into the phone and the screen momentarily moves around and out of focus. Leylah gets out of bed and walks into a different room. I’m assuming because Ryan is asleep in the bed beside her and she didn’t want to wake him. Yeah, I’m still bitter about it.
She turns the kitchen light on and her face illuminates again. She squints against the light and I feel bad for waking her. “Did you try giving her some milk in the orange cup with the clear lid? It’s the one in the side pocket of her bag.”
“Yeah. She fell asleep with what I gave her earlier. She woke up though and it freaked her out. She can sleep with me if that helps.” I finally bought a real bed. Veronica took me shopping against my will. She practically had to drag me there at gun point, but I caved.
She thought it would be a good idea to set Maddilyn up her own little space that was separate from mine, so we decked her out with all the goods. Her own bed included. She doesn’t want anything to do with it, though. I even sat beside her on the floor but as soon as I got up, she freaked out all over again.
Leylah makes a face but turns away so I only saw a glimpse of it. She’s wondering if I’m alone, I’m sure. She probably thinks I fuck everything that breathes. Sorry to disappoint. “Relax. It’s just me here, Leylah.”
She narrows her eyes in suspicion. “I didn’t say anything. She sleeps in her own bed at home. It’ll screw her up when she comes home. But being so far away, I guess if that’s what comforts her, let her do it. I don’t want her upset.” I nod because there’s so much I want to say but won’t in order to keep the peace. “Maddy, be a good girl and go to sleep, okay?”
“She has a bed. She just doesn’t want anything to do with it.”
“She does?”
“Yeah.” I let out a laugh at the fact that she’s so surprised I can provide a simple necessity. “We’ll let you go back to sleep.”
“I have to work in the morning. I picked up a couple extra shifts while she’s with you, but you can call back if you need to. Goodnight, Maddy. I love you.” My heart aches that she’s saying that to our daughter but not to me,
too. And I still have to hear it all the same. The call ends and I put my phone back on the table by the bed. Out of sight, out of mind.
“You wanna lay down with me, baby girl?” I stretch her blanket with the elephants across her side of the bed and pat the pillow next to my head and hope that she’ll take the bait.
“Mommy…” I kiss the top of her head as she lays it down on my chest, finally surrendering. I don’t think she’s willingly giving in, she’s just too exhausted to fight it any longer. I think I’ll always miss her mom just as much as she does.
I wake the next morning to someone crawling over my feet. The sun is blaring through the warehouse vents, still on the rise, so I know it’s early. I squint through the light until my eyes adjust.
“Good morning, baby girl.” Her hair’s a mess and her pull up is full of pee, no doubt, after all the milk she conned out of me last night just to get her to go to sleep. But thank fuck we made it through the night. I’m hoping I can win her over today and maybe tonight won’t be as painful.
The intercom rings downstairs and catches me off guard. I wasn’t expecting anyone this early, or at all today for that matter. It’s probably V, wondering why I haven’t called her back. I carry Maddilyn with me to see who’s here.
“What the fuck?” Blaze is taken aback at the baby in my arms, surprised to see her here and not with her mom in Texas, I guess. I still haven’t updated him on my life, lately. Or anything for that matter. Our relationship has pretty much been radio silence. There are a lot of unspoken questions that I can’t bring myself to ask and I know he’s avoiding them just as much as I am, if not more.
“Dude. What are you doing here?”
“Are you alone?” He pokes his head around, looking to be nosy. Sniffing out any females I might be hiding. But he won’t find any. This little lady with her arms wrapped around my neck is the only female I’ve got. Even she doesn’t like me very much right now.
“Yes, I’m alone. We’re trying out this co-parenting thing. Come in or go. It’s too early for this. Why aren’t you still sleeping, anyway?” I start to walk back upstairs to the loft, but he has other plans.
“I haven’t been to bed yet, actually, and I’m not staying, I just wanted to give you a heads-up that I’m probably not coming back.”
“Okay. What does that have to do with me?”
“I’m moving in with Erin for good. I won’t be back at the shop.”
Surprise, surprise. Laughter escapes me, confused at who he thinks he’s talking to, because he hasn’t been here for me or for the shop in months. Yeah, he kept it above water, just barely, in the beginning when I went away. But then month after month it got worse and worse until it dwindled to nothing and he just turned his back on it without a word to me. “It’s fine, dude. Whatever you wanna do.” I wave him off in hopes that he will leave. Maddilyn and I have things to do today and I really don’t feel like him tagging along.
“Why are you mad, bro?”
“Mad? I’m not mad. And I really don’t want to do this in front of her.”
He holds his hands up in defense to say he comes in peace. “Just wanted to let you know, in case you needed to find some help around the shop. A replacement or whatever.”
I nod. “That’s the last thing on my mind right now. Hard to find good help that you can trust these days.” It’s a low blow meant for him but if he catches it or not, he doesn’t let on.
“I talked to Andrew. He said he’d come back if you called.”
“Thanks, but I’ll handle it.” Honestly, I’ve been slowly turning over one bike after the other by myself at my own pace since living upstairs and it’s been kind of…nice.
“Well, I’ll let you get back to it. I was turning in the keys to my old place and packing shit up that I’ve had in storage. I leave in the morning.”
“Take it easy.” The old me would have offered to help him. But the old me would have never let this happen, either.
“Bike!” We start back up the stairs but Maddilyn freaks out when she sees the assortment of bikes parked around the shop. There are the ones I’m working on for customers and the others I buy for super cheap and turn around and sell for a profit. It’s quick, easy money and it’s what I’ve done all my life.
I set her down and let her do her own thing, shadowing behind her so she doesn’t get hurt. Woodzy never too far behind wherever she goes. Of all the bikes parked in here, she walks over to mine first and holds her little hands up to sit on it, and I’ll be dammed if I don’t feel it in my rusty old heart.
Maybe the two of us will get along just fine after all.
Maddy’s at Roman’s house and Ryan had to drive a few hours away to pick up a client package or something super important, so I went out for drinks with a couple of the girls from work. I obviously can’t drink but I stayed long enough for the other ladies to sober up afterward and now it’s late.
I pull into the driveway but stop short when I see the garage door up. We never leave the garage door open, not ever. Ryan’s not home yet, so I know he didn’t do it. I was the last one to leave the house this afternoon, too, and I know I closed it like always.
That’s when my eyes spot the broken window to the left of the garage. My heart sinks to my stomach and I hop back in the car and lock the door.
“Hey.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Someone broke in. Our bedroom window is busted, and the garage is open. I’m about to call the police but I just wanted to check in with you first. I’m freaked out.”
“Yeah, go ahead. I’m still an hour outside of Frisco. Drive back to the front gates until they get there.” I try to visualize if the gates were opened when I pulled in or not. Pretty sure I used my keycard and they were closed. But now that I’m seeing this, I could be wrong.
“Okay, I’ll call you back.”
Fifteen long minutes later, a police unit pulls his SUV alongside mine.
“I’m the one that called about the break in.” I rattle off my address again and give him my key to open the gate. I circle around and follow him through to investigate.
“You can wait out here. Is there anyone that should be home? Anyone that might have come home early? No kids?”
“No, it’s just me. My husband is working. My daughter is at her dad’s.”
“No dogs or anything that’s going to surprise me?”
My heart sinks. Cloud. I swallow the lump in my throat. “No dogs. Just a cat.”
He nods and talks into his radio while he makes his way through the garage.
He comes back out the front door a few minutes later, unharmed. “All clear. You want to come take a look and see if anything is missing?”
“Did you see the cat? She isn’t usually scared of anyone.”
“Uh, no. Didn’t see the cat, actually. I’ll walk through with you.” Another police officer joins us and makes his rounds outside of the house. Nothing appears to be out of place besides the window and the garage except for the fact that the sheets and comforter were thrown off the bed onto the floor. But that’s it.
The officers write notes for their reports and take photos for proof and insurance purposes. Basically, I’m fucked because the chance of finding the guys that do things like this are slim to none.
And the worst of it all? Cloud is nowhere to be found.
I go could go for a bottle of wine right now. This is misery. Cloud’s been missing for over a week now, and there’s no signs of her coming back. She’s just…gone. Ryan thinks she probably jumped out the window, but I don’t know. I don’t care one way or the other as long as she’s okay, I just want her back. All the theories and thoughts of her being out there alone and scared just break my heart all over again.
“You can’t do this every day, babe.” He’s hunched over the foot of the bed, trying to get me to leave my sanctuary.
“I just miss her.”
“I know.” He replaced the window already, but I still feel violated. Someone was here, in
my bedroom. What once was my favorite place to enjoy and relax is now ruined by some stranger I’ll never even know. “Why don’t you go to Erin’s for a while? Catch up like you always used to do?”
“She won’t hardly talk to me anymore.”
“Ask her anyway.” I sigh and pick up my phone off the bedside table to get him off my back. “Good girl.”
Me: Can I come over?
Me: Need some girl time.
Just as expected, I don’t get a response. I turn on the Housewives and binge until I somehow fall asleep.
I wake up to beeps and dings that I’ve never heard before coming from down the hall. “Ryan?” I sound like the stupid chick in the horror movie that goes to investigate the loud noises, but this is more like construction zone than horror moviesque.
“Hey, you’re up.”
“I heard bells and power tools.”
“Oh, sorry.”
“What is that?” I point to the newly installed panel box on the wall by the door.
“It’s our new alarm. Should have had one put in when we moved in, really. That’s my bad. So, I’m doing it now. Give us some peace of mind.”
“It looks expensive.”
“Not too bad. Just got the basic package for the doors and windows and you can control it on your phone.” He shrugs like it’s no big deal. He drops his tools when he sees the trepidation about it all written on my face. “Babe.” Ryan walks over to me and closes the distance between us, rubbing my belly in his hands. “I want to keep you safe, but mostly I want you to feel comfortable. That’s all this is, okay?” He doesn’t mention bringing Cloud back.
I nod and rest my head on his shoulder. I think of the broken window, the stranger that walked through the house, maybe even where I’m standing right now. Maybe an alarm’s not such a bad idea after all.
“I think I’m going to just drive over to Erin’s and show up unannounced.”
“Yeah?”
I pull away from our embrace and look at his face to see if he thinks it’s too much. “You think I should?”
