by Sarah Skye
She laughs while Harmony groans, a huge grin on her face the whole time.
“And Morgan,” Lily continues, eyeing me now. “What can I say? Without you, there’s no wedding tomorrow. You’re my badass best friend who pushed me to stand up for myself and go after what I want. You are the most loyal, supportive, inspiring human being. I hope you know I’d do anything for you because god knows how much you’ve done for me.”
I can’t swallow. I can’t breathe. I try to smile and raise my arms to hug her—
And completely, utterly, fall apart.
My hands fly to my face as first one, then a whole string of messy sobs rip from my lungs. Hot tears spill faster than I could even try to wipe away or control. My knees buckle, and I collapse in a ball on the carpet.
“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, Lily… Lily I… I… I can’t… I’m so… I miss… I wish… ”
Nothing I’m saying makes any sense. I’m not trying to make sense. The words that tumble from my lips are broken pieces of my soul, trying desperately to convey the emotions inside me—as if the body-wracking sobs aren’t enough.
Both the girls throw their arms around me, but I push them off, wailing “No, no, I don’t deserve it, I don’t fucking deserve it!”
I know this is karma, I know I had this meltdown coming, and I know I’m even worse of a friend for having it on Lily’s big weekend. But once it starts, I can’t stop it. I cry for the past, and all the times I had to be strong when I was a kid. I cry for my mom. I cry for Gram, and the fear I’ve carried for over a year since her surgery. I cry because my modeling career is always hanging by a thread even though I love it so much. I cry for all the things I’ve done wrong, for all I could’ve done better, and for how shitty a friend I’ve been for the last few months, when Lily needed me most.
And I cry for Marco. For the idea he’s hurting over us—and the knowledge that of course he is, of course this hurt him like it hurt me. I knew it was more for him, too. It was all over his face. It was clear every time that he touched me. I cry for the hard work he’s done on himself and how much it fucking sucks to have a breakup on top of that. And, finally, I cry for us. For the hurt I’ve created for both of us by letting things go too far. For falling for him when I knew the deal.
And, yes, I cry for my own hurt, too.
With a litany of karmic debts that long, it would make sense that I sobbed for hours. But, no. It can only be a few minutes before the girls grab my elbows and haul me up onto the couch. When I plunk down between them, I drop my forehead onto Lily’s shoulder while Harmony pulls my hair off my neck.
“Morgan, what the hell?” Lily’s voice is both soothing and panicked.
I swallow a few times until the tide turns, and I can breathe without sobbing. My eyes are still weepy when I sit up and look at both of them.
“I fell in love with Marco.”
My confession hangs in the room. Their expressions are pure shock. Finally, I rub my eyes and speak again.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know how to tell you, but when Gram had to go to the hospital last month? I was on my way to see her and my car broke down. And he just kind of… materialized. And he helped me. I didn’t know what to say, and then…”
I broad-stroke explain how Marco took care of Gram, how he offered to be her live-in home health aide. It probably makes zero sense, but I’m not sure it matters. Their expressions don’t change.
“Then, while we were working together to take care of her, it just… I don’t know. He’s different. He’s, like, totally different. He cut his toxic family out of his life. He goes to therapy now. He volunteers as a lawyer for Gram and other elderly people who can’t afford legal services. I know you don’t believe me, that it probably seems like a fake or something, but it’s not. And we just, I don’t know… it felt right.”
I hang my head. “Except I know it wasn’t. I knew the whole time that I was a garbage friend for even speaking to him, much less… anyway. I have no excuse. But we’re done now. I couldn’t keep going like this.”
At last, Lily clears her throat. “Like… what?”
I shrug. “I couldn’t keep it up. Doing something I knew would hurt you both. Pretending like there was any way in hell it could be cool for me to… to… well. To love him, I guess.”
“You think you love him? Really?” Harmony’s voice doesn’t sound like her own. There is zero belief in her words, but oddly there also seems to be no loathing.
“A tiger doesn’t change his stripes, Morgan,” Lily adds in an oddly similar voice.
At this, I finally dare to meet both of their stares. “No,” I agree slowly. “But a person can change his mindset, his behavior. A person can recognize when they’ve hurt people and try to work to be better. A person deserves the chance to say, ‘I was wrong. I fucked up. I hurt you, and I’m sorry.’ Even if you don’t forgive them—which is entirely your right—they deserve to be able to grow, to progress, don’t you think? Isn’t that what life is about? You stop growing when you’re dead. So if you bullied someone in school,” I glance at Harmony, “Or you allowed people to take advantage of you,” here I glance at Lily, “Or if you absorbed toxic behaviors from your family, don’t you think it’s valid to acknowledge that what was isn’t the way it always has to be?”
They don’t answer. But I can see in their eyes that they’ve heard me.
I draw a deep, shaky breath and get to my feet. “I’ll go,” I say softly. My lip trembles again.
“Go?” Lily shrieks.
“Of course. All that may be true, but none of it means that what I did was right. I get it, and I own my shit, too. It’s not fair to ask either of you to accept my choices. I know I’ve probably killed our friendship, and that’s a pain I’ll have to live with. But I couldn’t keep lying to you. Lily, I’ll of course be at the wedding tomorrow, if you still want.”
She grips me by the shoulders and levels a stare on me. “I’m sorry, Morgan, I… I don’t have many words right now. But if you think for a second I don’t want you at the wedding, you are out of your mind.”
Before I can answer, Harmony stands up and throws her arms around me from the side, squeezing me tight. “Morgan, you’re literally the most inspiring person I know. I swear this isn’t champagne talking when I say I admire you so much and wish I had half your heart and intuition. It’s killing me to see you so sad.”
Fresh tears sting my eyes. “Thanks, Harmony, but I know I’m no hero. And Lily, I don’t want to be anywhere but by your side tomorrow. I love you to death. Both of you.”
Her eyes sparkle. “You’re staying here tonight, just like we planned. Go to your room and get some sleep. And put on a gel mask before you fall asleep, or you’ll look like shit in pictures tomorrow.”
I weep a chuckle and hug her tight, then spin and stumble to my room and shut the door. I grab an eye mask, strip naked, and pass out facedown on the bed. The only thought in my head is I’d sleep forever if it meant not having to face this mess anymore.
29
MARCO
I am so damn proud of myself.
Okay, yeah, I’m lying on the fuzzy rug in my living room listening to “Butter” by BTS for the millionth time because it reminds me of Morgan. I realize just how pathetic that is. But I haven’t cried or gotten choked up all day. That’s huge.
It means it’s been two days that I haven’t cried since Morgan ended things. Yesterday I distracted myself with work and a ten-mile run. Today I’m going the angsty route and listening to songs that remind me of her while lying in her favorite spot in my apartment. It’s progress. Sort of.
But maybe Dr. Imana was onto something when he said that little by little things get better, that slowly the pain will subside, and that eventually, I’ll stop crying. Let’s see how long I can keep the streak going.
I reach up and grab my phone from the coffee table and contemplate changing the song, but then I see a ton of Instagram notifications. I sigh, annoyed that I ever installed th
e app. I hardly use it. I tap the icon and get the wind knocked out of me because the first thing I see is a photo of Morgan. She’s goddamn stunning in a long black dress that looks like it was painted on her body. That gorgeous smile that lights up her blue eyes is on full display as she poses next to Lily. I scan the caption below her photo.
Honored to be this one’s #MOH. Love you forever, Lils. So excited for tomorrow <3 #bff #friendsforever #rehearsaldinner #orchardwedding #sawyerfarms
There’s a pressure in my stomach that feels a lot like a punch to the gut. But after a few seconds, it starts to fade. It hurts like hell that I have to watch Morgan from afar, knowing she and I can never be together. I suspect it always will. But she’s happy. And it’s because she’s with her friends, the people who mean the most to her. So, as much as it kills me, part of me feels joy when I look at that photo. Enduring the worst pain in the world is worth it if it means she’s happy.
But when I toss my phone to the side, I have to press the heels of my hands to my eyes. There’s that pain again.
Well, fuck. The no-crying streak is officially over.
A loud knock on my door jolts me upright. I wipe my eyes and get to my feet, turning off the music and heading over. Who the hell is pounding on my door this late on a Friday night?
When I open it, I get the wind knocked out of me once more.
There stands Lily and Harmony.
What the….
“Fuck.”
I slam the door shut and jump back like I’m dodging an invisible attacker. It’s a reflex more than anything, my body’s automatic response to the shock of seeing my two exes show up unannounced at my doorstep.
“Marco.” Lily’s voice cuts through my panic. “Marco, open the door.”
I eye the floor-to-ceiling window at the far end of the living room, wondering if I can climb out and hop onto the fire escape.
“Marco, we just want to talk to you,” Harmony says.
Cold sweat sheets over my skin. Screw the fire escape, maybe I can just leap out the window and land in the dumpster in the alley below. Or the concrete. I’m not picky.
“We need to talk about Morgan.”
My head whips to the door at Harmony’s declaration.
“We’re not leaving until you let us in.”
I freeze at the conviction in Lily’s tone. I didn’t hear it often, but I remember it well from the few times she ever used it on me. She’s not fucking around.
Against every instinct inside of me that screams, “Run! Hide! Do not let them in, dumbass! You know they’re going to murder you, right?” I open the door.
I swallow. “H-hey.”
Blank stares are all I get.
Better than a punch to the face. Or the balls.
I step aside and let them in. When I shut the door and turn back to them, I freeze. Their expressions transition to shock as they observe the state of my place. I take it all in right along with them: piles of dirty laundry and empty takeout containers, dust coating almost every surface, tarot cards scattered everywhere. Jesus fucking Christ, this place is a disaster.
Harmony scrunches her face. “Oh my god, it smells like a locker room in here.”
I rub the back of my neck and shrug. “Yeah, well… I’m…”
“Heartbroken,” Lily says. Her gaze flits to the tarot cards on the floor.
“Pretty much,” I mutter. “I’m guessing Morgan told you about us?”
They both nod, arms crossed, the most disappointed stance ever.
I swallow hard, brace myself, and tell them to have a seat, but then I quickly realize there’s no actual place for them to sit since my couch and armchair are littered with laundry and food wrappers. So I run over, knock the wrappers and clothes onto the floor, and offer them the couch while I take the chair.
And then I sit there and wait for them to yell at me, to throw the nearest heavy object at my face, to do or say something, anything. But they don’t. Instead, they study me with focus in their eyes, like I’m a sociology experiment they’re observing. My heart races like I’ve taken a hit of speed. Good god, nothing rockets your blood pressure like a surprise visit from the exes you fucked over.
“So… what’s up?” I wince at how awkward I sound. But I can’t take the unblinking stares or the silent treatment. And then it dawns on me why they might be here. “Wait, is Morgan okay?”
The furrow in both of their brows eases the slightest bit.
Lily shakes her head. “Not really.”
I was wrong. This is what it must feel like to have speed injected straight into your heart. Just the thought that anything could be wrong with Morgan has me crazy.
My voice hitches with panic as I press them about Morgan, but Lily interrupts me.
“She’s okay—physically she’s fine. She’s just… completely heartbroken over you.”
Harmony nods. My head goes fuzzy and my entire body aches at the thought of Morgan in pain—over me. She looked so happy in that photo though.
“I don’t understand…”
Lily cuts me off. “She told us what you did for her grandma.”
“How you cut out your family because you were tired of their toxic behavior,” Harmony says.
“How you put your life on hold to live with Gram and take care of her.”
“How you’re in therapy.”
“How you’ve been helping Gram and all of her friends with legal services. For free.”
“How you’ve changed.”
“How you’re not the selfish jerk you used to be.”
My head bobs back and forth between them as they speak, my brain spinning the entire time. It’s like some bizarre endurance test where I have to just sit here and take it as my two exes talk at me.
My mouth cracks open, but no words come out.
Harmony’s delicate shoulders shake as she sighs. She tugs at the hem of her red cocktail dress like she’s unsure of how to say what she’s about to say to me. “And we just want to know… we wanted to see for ourselves…”
“If it’s true. If you’ve changed for the better.”
There’s a strange lilt to Lily’s tone. Then she flashes a sad smile before glancing down at her lap and running her palms along the lacey white material of her dress.
“To be honest, I didn’t think you had it in you to change. But maybe I was wrong.” Lily scans the space once more. “You were never like this.”
“What do you mean?”
“You were always so polished and put together. And now look at you. You’re a disaster.” She pauses and sighs. “You never felt like this before, have you? For anyone. Until Morgan.”
I almost say the words, but they die on the tip of my tongue as my nerves go haywire. Holy shit, is this excruciating—to admit to my ex-girlfriend and my ex-fiancé that I’ve never fallen this hard, this deep for anyone other than Morgan. I’m essentially telling them as they sit three feet from me that I knew all along we were never going to work out.
But it’s the truth. And, given how they came here to talk to me about all this, they know it. There must be a reason they want to hear me say it.
It takes a few seconds, but my brain finally catches up and kicks into gear. That’s exactly what they’re doing—they’re giving me a chance to explain myself, to tell them exactly how I feel about Morgan. This is my chance to tell everything to the two people she cares about most. This is my chance to fight for us, to fight for our happy ending.
I just have to plead my case to my ex-girlfriend and my ex-fiancée and get their blessing to be in a relationship with their friend.
I swallow back the bundle of nerves lodged in my throat. Fuck, if that’s not an impossible task.
Karma’s a bitch, and you deserve every bit of this. Now fight for her.
“You’re right,” I say as I look between them. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.” My skin crawls as I speak the words. I take another deep breath. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry to you both for how I tre
ated you. I should have apologized long ago, and I’m even more sorry for not doing it sooner. I was a selfish, cheating, dick who didn’t deserve either of you. I acted out in a million hurtful ways because I didn’t know how to express my feelings in a healthy way.”
Lily crosses her arms as she pins her gaze at me. Harmony looks like she’s trying to bore a hole in my face with her stare.
“I know that sounds like I’m making excuses. I swear, I’m not trying to. It’s just… it was hard to be a good boyfriend or a good fiancé when I came from such a fucked up place and didn’t even see it.”
And then I tell them everything. I tell them about my family, something I never talked about with either of them. I tell them about therapy. I tell them about finding purpose by helping Gram and her friends.
I tell them about Morgan.
“I didn’t mean for this to happen. Neither of us did. But when it did… when I realized I fell… I fell…” I choke on the words.
I clear my throat and then think, “screw it.” I want them to see me like this, raw and broken and real.
“When I realized I fell in love with Morgan, that was it for me. She’s it for me. She’s everything I want and don’t deserve. Believe me when I say I know that. I know I don’t deserve her. She’s amazing and perfect, and I… well, I’m me.”
I catch Lily pursing her lips to hold back a smile as Harmony nods along in complete agreement with what I’ve said.
“I know there’s a good chance you don’t believe me—”
“I believe you.”
Lily’s admission has me stuttering.
“You do?”
She nods. I turn to Harmony, who’s still studying me.
“I believe you too,” Harmony finally says. “You clearly love her. You clearly care about her so much. I mean, look at you. You’re crying. I’ve never seen you cry before.”
I wipe my face as I squirm in the chair. Crying and sweating bullets. Jesus, what a mess.
