Critical Failures IV

by Robert Bevan

  If Tim had to assign someone the title of Leader in the Whore’s Head Inn, Frank would be the guy. But it wasn’t a political position. Frank didn’t actually wield any power over the others, nor did he seem to want to. He was one of the founders, though, and he had a combination of Charisma and Wisdom that made him easy to talk to and well worth listening to. But his word wasn’t law, and as the discussion wore on, quite a few of the inn’s residents were siding with Tony the Elf, who stood firm that they should stay together and defend their home away from home.

  While fear was certainly a factor, Tony the Elf had presented some strong arguments to support his position, the strongest of which was that none of them had any idea where to look for Mordred anyway. A few of the more accomplished wizards and sorcerers among them attempted Scrying, but none of them could get a lock on him. They were looking for a fat, bearded guy in a cape. But wherever Mordred was, he was someone else now.

  Cooper had either shoved or farted a path through the crowd. He, Dave, and Chaz came to meet Tim.

  “What’s up?” asked Tim, trying to stay half-focused on the Mordred debate.

  “It’s your sister,” said Dave. “We can’t find her.”

  “It’s daytime, dingus. She’s asleep in the Bag of Holding.”

  “We looked in there,” said Chaz. “I looked in there.”

  Tim’s attention was now firmly fixed on Chaz. His colorful silk clothes hung a little more loosely on his body, and he had a streak of grey in his hair. His encounter with the troll and his time with Millard had taken their toll on him.“What about the cellar?”

  Chaz and Dave shook their heads.

  “I asked around a little,” said Dave. “Nobody remembers seeing her since early last night.”

  “Goddammit, Katherine.” Tim looked around for something to punch. Coming up empty, he just shook his fist. “This is the second time she’s done this. Last time she went and got herself murdered. Why can’t she just hang out in a bar and drink herself to sleep like a normal person?”

  “Well what the fuck are we standing around here for?” asked Cooper. “Let’s go find her.”

  Tim shook his head. “Fuck that.”

  “Dude, she’s your sister.”

  “And where do you suppose we look, Cooper?There’s a big world out there, and she’s got to be hiding in the dark. She could literally be anywhere. Shit! I never should have let her out of that goddamn bag.”

  Dave frowned. “It’s only a couple of hours before sundown. Maybe she’ll come back.”

  Tim guessed Dave was trying to be comforting, but he really sucked at it. Maybe she’ll come back. The unspoken implication, of course, was that maybe she was a pile of ashes on a scorched bit of street somewhere. All he could do was wait and hope.

  While he wasn’t in the mood for company, Tim didn’t want to be alone with his thoughts. Best to drown them out. He hopped down onto the floor, stomped away from his friends in a manner which he hoped made clear that he didn’t want to be followed, and settled into a little nook at the back of the inn. There was no room for a table or stool. This was probably meant to be a supply closet or something when it was finished. Tim sat on the dirt floor, retrieved his flask from his vest’s inside pocket, and swigged back as much stonepiss as he could gulp. It burned in his throat, and failed to block thoughts of Katherine from his mind.

  Katherine wasn’t a stupid girl. She was just naïve. She didn’t know this game. As badass as a vampire could be, its weaknesses were numerous and severe. Tim should have kept a closer eye on her. He’d already failed to protect her once. His chest started tightening as the thought of never seeing his sister again really started to weigh in. He tried to keep his emotions at bay with another swig, but he choked it up through his nose as the tears started pouring out of his eyes. He buried his head between his knees and tried to muffle his whimpers and sobs.

  “Hey, man. You all right?”

  Fuck. Cooper.

  The last thing Tim needed was Cooper catching him crying like a little bitch. It was bad enough he was trapped inside the body of a toddler. He faked a cough, but it came out like a squeaky dog toy.

  “I’m good,” Tim’s voice was raw and raspy. He rubbed his face into the crook of his arm and held up his flask. “I just took some down the wrong pipe.”

  Cooper sucked in air through his teeth. “Shit. That must burn like a motherfucker.”

  Tim determined the tears still in his eyes could sufficiently be explained by the choking-on-stonepiss story. He looked up at Cooper. “Tell me about it.”

  Cooper’s face didn’t look quite as stupid as it usually did. He looked serious. “Kat’ll come back.She’s smarter than you think.”

  Tim shook his empty flask and flashed a halfhearted smile. “Time for a refill.”

  The Mordred debate was still raging as Tim crawled under people’s legs to get behind the bar. Factions had further divided, but it didn’t sound like anyone was contributing anything new to the dialogue. It was the same old bullshit, but now that the drinks had started to flow a bit, the same old bullshit was starting to heat up. Frank called Tony the Elf a coward for wanting to hide from Mordred, and Tony the Elf called Frank a coward for not wanting to defend the Whore’s Head Inn.

  It had always been such a chill atmosphere. Tim had never seen these guys at each other’s throats like this before. He climbed up onto the bar, filled his flask from a bottle of stonepiss, necked back what was left of the bottle, then hurled it down between his feet.

  The shatter of glass against the bar brought on a swift ceasefire in the arguing, as all eyes turned toward Tim.

  “Shut the fuck up already!” he yelled.

  Frank glared up at him. “Do you have an insight you’d like to contribute to the discussion?”

  “No,” said Tim. “Because you and Tony the Elf have already contributed the only two facts that matter, and they both lead to the same conclusion.”

  Frank’s plump little gnome face was turning redder. “And what’s that?”

  “Mordred could be anywhere,” said Tim. “There’s a big world out there, and that asshole knows every inch of it. If he doesn’t want to be found, we’re never going to find him.”

  “That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t at least try.”

  Tim shook his head. “Fine. Try. Let me know how it goes.” He hopped down off the bar. The crowd parted to let him pass. He walked toward the rear of the building.

  “Where do you think you’re going?” said Frank.

  “I’m going to see if Mordred’s in the toilet.I’ll report back soon.”

  While Tim did need to pee, he was more relieved to be walking away from the Whore’s Head Inn than he was to be walking toward his favorite pissing tree.

  “Tim,” Cooper called out after him. “Wait up.” It felt suspiciously like his friends didn’t trust him to be alone.

  “What? Do you want to watch me take a piss?”

  “Uh… sure.”

  Tim couldn’t help but smile a little to himself. Suicide watch was a sweet, if unnecessary, gesture. He stopped smiling when he looked ahead and saw Ravenus still perched on the same branch of the pissing tree. He couldn’t put his finger on why, but he kind of expected to see him there. There was something peculiar about the way that bird was acting today.

  “Good day, gentlemen,” said Ravenus as Tim and Cooper approached the tree.

  Tim ignored him and pulled out his sad little dick. If the bird wanted to watch, so be it. Knowing his bladder wasn’t full enough to try for a new height, he pissed a lazy zig-zag pattern on the lower trunk.

  When he was done, he didn’t feel like going back to the inn just yet.

  “Hey, Coop. Why don’t you head back in? Icould use a little alone time. It’s thoughtful of you to worry about me, but –”

  “Who said I’m worried about you?” Cooper squatted, holding onto the tree trunk for support. “I came out here to drop a deuce.”

  Tim turned away and hoped it
wouldn’t be noisy.

  “Oh dear,” said Ravenus. “Is he about to…”

  “Dude,” said Cooper. “Could you ask the bird not to watch? He’s breaking my concentration.”

  “Hey! Bloke!” Tim shouted up at Ravenus. “Stop being creepy, huh?”

  “A thousand apologies, sir,” said Ravenus. “But do you think you could ask him to do that somewhere else?”

  “Fuck you, Ravenus! Nobody’s begging you to watch. If you don’t like it, then get the fuck out of here.”

  “Oh, that’s good,” said Cooper. “Keep shouting at him. I’ve got my concentration back.”

  “Please, sir,” pleaded Ravenus. “Literally anywhere else would do.”

  Un-fucking-believable. “Listen, Ravenus. I’ve got a lot on my mind right now, and you’re really starting to weird me out, so I’m going to make this as plain as I can. Please go away, you fat, feathered fuck.”

  Ravenus stared down at him for a moment, his beak wide open. He ruffled his feathers and took a few deep breaths. “My diet… is different here… than it was in the wild.” His voice cracked as he spoke. He took another deep breath. “And I feel I should point out that you’ve put on a bit of weight yourself.” He stuck his chest out defiantly, ready for whatever further insults Tim had to hurl his way.

  “Ahhhhh,” said Cooper. “There it is. Nice and smooth, like soft serve.”

  Ravenus buried his head under a wing.

  Tim didn’t need guilt heaped on top of the pile of emotions that was already weighing him down. “I’m sorry, Ravenus. That was wrong of me. I’m just worried about my sister, and I took it out on you.”

  Ravenus peeked out from under his wing. “Your sister?”

  “She’s been missing all day, and I’m worried about her getting caught out in the sun.”

  “Hmph,” said Ravenus. He lowered his wing and glanced down at Cooper, who was humming to himself and swerving his hips in a circular motion as the shit continued to flow. “That’s the least of her worries.”

  Tim looked curiously up at the bird. “What do you mean?”

  Ravenus turned sharply back to Tim. “What? Nothing!”

  Tim didn’t need a Sense Motive check to see the bird was hiding something. “Ravenus.” He spoke calmly but sternly. “Is there something you’re not telling me? Do you know something about Katherine?”

  Ravenus shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “Of course not, sir! Nothing at all! Who’s Katherine?”

  “Bullshit!” Tim hurled his flask at Ravenus, hitting him in the face and knocking him off his perch. The stunned bird landed with a thud on the ground, and Tim pinned him down with both hands.

  “Holy shit!” said Cooper. “Tim! What the fuck are you doing?”

  “Stay out of this, Cooper!” Tim stared into Ravenus’s eyes. “Tell me what you know.”

  Wrestling a bird was harder than Tim would have imagined. Flapping wings repeatedly smacked Tim in the face, and he had to practically lie down on top of Ravenus to keep his talons pinned to the ground.

  “I can’t, sir!” Ravenus shrieked.“I’m sworn to secrecy!”

  “I don’t want to have to do this, Ravenus. But you’re not leaving me any choice.” Tim plucked one of Ravenus’s tail feathers.

  Ravenus squawked. “Stop that! I need those!”

  “Where is she?”

  “Please, sir! If you’d just calm down, the whole matter will be resolved in a few –”

  “You think I’m fucking around?”Pluck. SQUAWK!“You better start talking, bird, or you’re going to be as bald as my fat little ass! What do you know abou—”

  Tim got tackled by what felt like a speeding freight train. The world spun around his head. When it stopped, he was staring up at Julian, who was pinning his arms to the ground.Ravenus flew back up to the safety of his branch.

  Tim squirmed under Julian’s weight. “Get the fuck off of me!”

  Julian held him down firmly. “What the hell do you think you were doing to Ravenus?” He looked up at Cooper. “Why didn’t you stop –Ugh!” A knee in the nuts loosened his grip.

  Tim pushed Julian off and rolled away. “That bird’s holding out on me!”

  Julian stood up slowly on shaky legs, cradling his balls. “What are you talking about?”

  “He said it himself. He’s sworn to secrecy. Ask him.”

  Julian looked up at his familiar.“Ravenus?”

  Ravenus lowered his head. “I’m sorry, sir.”

  “You see?” said Tim. “I told you! He’s been sitting on that fucking branch acting suspicious all day.”

  Julian looked up at the branch, and from there back to the Whore’s Head. His eyes widened.

  “I can’t betray my –”

  “Shut up, Ravenus!” said Julian. “Don’t say another word.”

  Tim tugged at handfuls of his own hair. “What?”

  Julian shifted his gaze from Ravenus’s branch to the inn and back again before glaring at Tim. “How dare you torture my familiar for information. He’s got as much right to privacy as any of us.”

  “Are you fucking kidding me!” said Tim. “His feathers will grow back! Katherine’s life might be on the line here!”

  Julian looked genuinely puzzled. “Your sister? What does she have to do with any of this?”

  Tim shook his fists. “That’s exactly what I want to find out!”

  Julian pursed his lips and furrowed his brow. “Do you mind if I have a word alone with Ravenus?”

  Tim sighed and rolled his eyes. “Whatever. Sure.” He bent over to pick up his flask while Julian walked off with his crazy-ass bird on his shoulder, whispering in his ear.

  All Tim could hear was Julian’s side of the conversation, which wasn’t very informative.

  “Oh? Oh.Ohhhhh…. Oh!”

  “What the fuck!” said Cooper.“Did I accidentally shit out a pentagram?”

  That was enough to pull Tim’s attention away from Julian and Ravenus’s conversation. “What set of circumstances could possibly compel you to ask – Holy shit!”

  The patch of freshly turned earth on which Cooper had just finished defecating was shifting, as if some living thing was buried underneath, and trying to get out. Tim had already spent his default reaction to such a situation on the tree trunk. Before he had time to come up with a new reaction, a fist burst out of the ground.

  “Fucking zombies,” said Cooper. He casually walked over to the unearthed forearm and started stomping on it.

  “NOOO!”Ravenus cried. He flew into Cooper’s face and squawked and cawed.

  Cooper tried to swat at him while continuing to stomp on the zombie arm. “Ravenus! Knock it off, you stupid fucking –Whoa!”

  The hand grabbed Cooper’s ankle and pulled his foot right out from under him, sending him crashing onto his back straight into his own pile of shit.. It balled up into a fist again and punched him square in the junk.

  Cooper groaned and rolled out of the way before the hand could strike again.

  But the hand didn’t even try to strike. It rubbed its fingers together, then shook violently, as if it realized it was tainted with Cooper’s nut musk. The hand felt around in flattened poo until it found a patch of clean grass, then wiped itself, its slender white fingers twitching the whole time.

  Finally, the hand dissolved into a wisp of vapor. This was no zombie.

  Tim looked at the patch of earth. His own dried chunks of vomit were still visible in Cooper’s fresh turdcake. “Shit.”

  A column of red vapor shot out of the hole the hand had created; a geyser of pissed off Katherine. It formed a mushroom cloud ten feet in the air.

  Tim took a step back. Cooper crawled away from the cloud as well, one hand still cradling his balls.

  Once all the mist had ejected itself from the hole in the ground, it started to condense into larger droplets about ten feet away from Cooper’s shit pile. In a matter of seconds, the mist had coalesced into the recognizable shape of a red, liquid woman.T
he finer details, such as whatever was going on on top of her head, were not revealed until the transformation was complete, and her normal colors returned.

  “What the hell is wrong with you people?” asked Katherine as soon as she was whole again.

  It had been pretty messed up to see her explode out of the ground in a bloodmist and come together as a person like a red T-1000, but it was somehow stranger to see her standing here now, in blue jeans and a black, damp turtleneck, and a pair of pants not entirely unlike blue jeans on top of her head.

  “Katherine?” said Cooper, apparently only now catching up to what was going on.

  Katherine pulled the strange pants off the top of her head and flung them on the ground. “Why does everyone in the world suddenly decide to relieve themselves on the spot where I chose to sleep?”

  “You’ve got no room to complain,” said Tim. “Not after what you put me through. I’ve been worried sick about you all day!” At least for as much of the day as he’d realized she was missing. “Anyway, how the hell were we supposed to know where you were? Next time maybe you should tell someone before you up and decide to bury yourself under the pissing tree.”

  Katherine glared at Ravenus. “I did tell someone.”

  “I’m sorry, Miss Katherine,” said Ravenus. “I tried to dissuade them.”

  “Don’t apologize to her,” said Tim. “She got exactly what she deserved.” He looked up at Katherine. “None of this would have happened if you’d slept in the Bag of Holding. Nobody ever pisses or pukes in there.”

  Katherine raised her eyebrows at him.

  “I mean, not since that first time.”

  “I’m not getting back in that bag. Ever.” She took off her backpack and pulled out a silver pitcher.

  “Please,”said Tim. “You won’t survive long if you keep trying to hide in shallow holes every day. Sooner or later a dog is going to dig you up or something, and you’ll be fried in the sunlight. Just play it safe until you’ve got a better idea of what you’re doing.”

  “I know exactly what I’m doing,” said Katherine, running her fingers through the tangles of her filthy hair. “I’ll figure out a better sleeping arrangement after I figure out how I’m going to get the pee smell out of – Yow!” Katherine dropped the pitcher. The hand that she’d been holding her hair with was sizzling and smoking. “Fuck, that hurts! What was I thinking?”