Critical Failures IV

by Robert Bevan

  “Be on your way, good lady. May you walk in the Light of the New God.”

  That was the second time he mentioned this New God. What was that all about?

  “The New God, sir? Is that what all the bells were about?”

  “Indeed!” said Commander Righteous. “Have you not heard? A New God, Jesus Christ, was born this day!”

  “Isn’t it a little warm for that?” Katherine was so thrown off by the news that she forgot to keep her voice disguised.

  “I beg your pardon?”

  Shit. She continued in her disguised voice. “Nothing. Just seemed like more of a winter thing.”

  “Have we…met before?” His tone was bordering on accusatory.

  Shit. Shit. Shit.“No, I don’t think so. I really should be on my way now. Thank you again, and praise Jesus.”

  “Stay where you are, woman,” said the commander. “I’m coming down.”

  Commander Righteous may have been an asshole, but from what Katherine had witnessed, he only acted according to what he thought was right. She could probably take him in a fight, but she didn’t want it to come to that. Nor did she want to try to dominate him. He was nothing if not strong-willed, and might be able to resist her power anyway. There was only one thing to do.

  As soon as she heard the commander’s boots on the wooden stairs of the right tower flanking the gate, she took her normal-size bat form and flew up to the roof of the tower.

  “Where are you, woman?” Commander Righteous called out as Katherine lay still, her wings pressed flat against the tiled roof. “Reveal yourself at once!”

  About thirty seconds passed.

  “Where in the seven hells did she go?” the commander murmured to himself.

  When she heard – and felt – his boots on the tower stairs again, she bolted off into the night. She could wait for Tim and Cooper a few miles down the road.

  Chapter 15

  Denise was surprisingly more difficult to keep up with in the forest than she had been in the city. Thankfully, she was a noisy walker; the sound of her stomping through the underbrush was the only means by which Randy had to follow her. With the trees blocking the moonlight, Randy could only see about three feet in any direction. He had no idea how Denise was managing to make such good time with no source of light.

  Randy stopped to listen for Denise’s footsteps, but the forest was silent. Maybe she’d stopped to pee. Come to think of it, this seemed like a perfect opportunity for Randy to relieve himself as well.

  He set to work unlacing the front of his pants, hoping that Denise might be doing a Number Two. Somebody in this world needed to invent the zipper, or Velcro. Taking a pee shouldn’t be this much of a chore. Maybe that Cooper had the right idea. The loincloth, that is. Not constantly pissing himself. Randy wondered if he could pull off the loincloth look. Just lift up the front and pee away. It’d be so much easier than these gosh darned laces.

  Finally, his willy was free. He exhaled as the tension drained out of his bladder, soaking the trunk of a tree. He took care not to spray the path of a wandering beetle as he listened for Denise’s footsteps to start up again.

  “Turn around and put your hands on your head.” Denise’s voice came from about ten feet behind Randy, who was so startled that he accidentally hosed down the beetle.

  “Can I lace up my pants first?”

  “Hands on your goddamn head, right fucking now!”

  “All right, all right.” Randy put his hands on his head and spread his knees apart to keep his pants from falling any lower.

  “I warned you not to follow me, Randy. Now turn around.”

  Randy wasn’t particularly shy about being naked in front of Denise. But turning around was still awkward while trying to keep his knees apart. He rocked from side to side, like a penguin on a turntable, until he was facing Denise.“Listen, I know you’re upset, but –”

  “Upset?” Denise held her axe toward Randy like she was going to shoot him with it if he made a wrong move. He took a quick swig from his flask. “Upset don’t begin to cover it. I’m fucking pissedoff.”

  “But Denise. It’s dangerous out here. It’s pitch dark, and there’s no telling what kind of monsters are –”

  “I can see in the dark,” said Denise. The anger was gone from her voice. “It’s wicked cool, man. We got a pair of old night vision goggles down at the station. Don’t nobody never use them, though, on account of they’re heavy as shit, and you can’t barely make out what you’re looking at anyway. This is way better.”

  “That’s nice,” said Randy. “I can’t hardly see at all.”

  “That’s because you’re a fuckin’ queer.” The malice had returned to her voice.

  “I don’t see how that has anything to do with –”

  “What the fuck are you doing out here, Randy?”

  “I was worried about you. Like I said, there’s monsters out here.”

  “And what was you gonna do, huh Randy? Suck their cocks while I run away like a little bitch?”

  “Well, no. That actually didn’t even occur to me.I thought maybe we could fight together.”

  Denise took another swig from her flask. “Oh, we’s about to fight together. I told you if I ever saw you again, I was gonna kill you.”

  “Come on, Denise. Don’t be like that.”

  “You should have gone back to the Fag Shack with the rest of your little faggot friends.”

  “Thatain’t a nice thing to say, Denise.”

  “Nice? Do I look like I’m trying to be fucking nice? I came out here to fuck shit up. I wanna see those monsters. I wanna smash their faces in with this here axe.” She looked left, then right. “But I ain’t seen a goddamn thing.”

  “Why don’t we get some sleep,” suggested Randy. “We can come back and try again in the morning.”

  Denise smiled and shook her head. “You still don’t get it. You ain’tgonna see the goddamn morning.Go on. Pick up your sword.”

  “I ain’tgonna fight you.”

  “Then I reckon this is gonna be a short fight.”

  Randy mentally prepared for what was to come. He didn’t like the thought of hitting a woman, but it was certainly preferable to stabbing her. He’d have to let his pants drop to his ankles, which would limit his evasive maneuvers to pivoting out of the way. All he’d need was one solid punch to the face, and hopefully he could knock her out without hurting her too bad.

  Randy sighed. “All right, Denise. If that’s really the way you want to –”

  A sudden outburst of barking and snarling interrupted their pre-fight banter.

  Randy looked to his left, where the sound was coming from, but couldn’t see anything but darkness. He turned back to Denise, who could obviously see the source, because her eyes were as wide as her gaping mouth.

  “What is it?” Randy whispered.

  “It’s a wolf,” Denise whispered back, looking more awestruck than something as mundane as a wolf should warrant in a fantasy world.

  Randy took Denise’s diverted attention as an opportunity to pull up his pants.

  “Man, you just don’t know. This ain’t like any wolf you ever seen. I’m telling you, man. It’s bigger than a goddamn horse.”

  Randy grabbed his sword. “What’s it doing?”

  “I don’t know,” said Denise. “It’s just barking up a tree, but I can’t see what it’s looking at. Maybe a squirrel or something.”

  “Help!” cried a high voice. Randy estimated it to be coming from directly above where he heard the wolf. “Somebody help me, please!”

  “Come on, Denise!” said Randy. “Let’s go!”

  Denise shook her head.

  “What’s wrong, man?” said Randy. “Someone needs our help.”

  Denise backed up a step. “That someone can go fuck himself.”Her crotch was soaked.

  “You said you wanted to fight monsters,” said Randy. “Here’s your chance.”

  “I was talking about an orc or a goblin or some shit. Y
ou go ahead. Let’s see what kind of hero you are. I’m telling you, you’re gonna shit a brick when you see this thing.”

  “Please!” cried the voice from up in the tree again. “Is anyone out there?”

  Randy frowned. “I gotta say, Denise. I’m a little disappointed in you.” He didn’t have time to lace his pants, so he held them up with his left hand while wielding the sword in his right. Mustering up courage he didn’t realize he had, he stepped toward the snarling giant wolf.

  Forcing one foot in front of the other, he moved closer and closer to what would probably be the last animal he’d ever see.

  Denise had not exaggerated this creature’s size, but she had neglected to mention its glowing red eyes and matted black fur. Whatever kind of hell-beast it was, wolf did not even begin to do it justice.

  “Thank the gods!” cried the voice from up in the tree. “Please, sir! Save me!”

  Randy glanced up quickly, not wanting to take his eyes away from the giant demon-wolf ferociously clawing the bark off the tree. A little girl in a red dress clung to the wobbling tree trunk.

  Terrified as he was, he would rather die than abandon this child, which came as a bit of a surprise to him. He’d never thought of himself as the brave sort.

  Randy took a deep breath, then shouted at the beast. “Wolf! Go away!”

  He probably could have come up with something better, given more time and less urgency. Not that it mattered much. The wolf didn’t even seem to hear him. It remained focused on the little girl up in the tree, not even bothering to glance his way.

  “Kill it, sir!” cried the girl. “Use your sword!”

  Randy would normally be averse to killing an animal, even a dangerous one, but he was surprised to find that the little girl’s words sounded strangely appealing to him. He wanted to kill this animal. It wasn’t just huge and terrifying. It disgusted him. Not like a possum or a sewer rat, but on a deeper, more personal level. He hated this thing. It was an abomination, an affront to his god. It was, for lack of a better word…evil?

  Righteous anger stacked on top of Randy’s resolve to save the innocent child. He held the front of his pants high and ran at the creature with his sword out in front of him.

  “Yah!” he shouted, thrusting his blade at the foul creature’s hind leg.

  The attack didn’t play out like Randy had envisioned it, skewering the leg and crippling the animal. The tip of his sword barely penetrated the thing’s skin.

  But if his attack was a let-down, the wolf’s reaction was even more so. It let out a small yelp, glanced down at Randy, and then bolted off into the woods in the opposite direction.

  Randy lowered his sword. “That was… underwhelming.”

  “Oh thank you, sir!” cried the little girl as she climbed down the branches of the tree. “You are so brave!”

  “What kind of bullshit was that?” said Denise, stomping into Randy’s limited field of vision.

  The girl hopped onto the ground. “This gallant hero has saved me from certain death at the hands of a fiendish dire wolf.” She looked at Denise’s crotch. “I can only assume you were on your way to assist.”

  Denise held her axe blade in front of her crotch. “I saw that shit with my own eyes. He barely touched it.”

  “Please, Denise,” said Randy. “I must insist that you mind your language in front of the child.”

  The girl’s face flashed with annoyance. “I’m not –”

  “What the fuck are you doing out here in the woods at night anyway, little girl?” asked Denise. “You bringing a basket of goodies to Grandma’s house?”

  “I’m not a little girl,” insisted the little girl. “I’m a full-grown malehalfling.”

  Randy squinted, trying to see a man standing before him.“You mean like Tim?”

  The allegedly male halfling rolled his eyes. “Yes, like – Wait… Who is this Tim you speak of?”

  “I just don’t see it,” said Denise. “Do you really mean to tell me you’re packing a sausage under that dress?”

  “It’s not a dress!” said the halfling. “I’m a wizard! These are the Red Robes of Neutrality!”

  Denise sipped from her flask, staring at the halfling. “You mean, like, gender neutrality?‘Cause let me tell you something, son. You show up to school wearing that shit where I come from, and the other kids will beat your ass.”

  The halfling took a deep breath. “I’m going to say this one last time. I. Am. Not. A. Child. Here, see for yourself.” He pulled down the front of the garment, revealing a mat of chest hair to rival the wolf’s fur.

  “Jesus Christmas, boy!” shouted Denise.“That shit could stop a twelve gauge round.”

  The halfling covered his chest hair. “Are you satisfied now?”

  “Well I don’t know, Sasquatch. What kinda heat are you packin’ down south?

  “My name is Wister,” said the halfling. “And I do not appreciate this line of questioning.”

  “You ever been with a dwarf?”

  “Denise,” said Randy.

  “Don’t you pull this shit again, Randy.We’s two consenting adults.”

  “Denise,” Randy repeated. “I need to talk to you…alone.” He turned to the halfling. “Would you excuse us for a moment, Mister Wister?”

  “Just call me Wister, brave hero. And please, take all the time you need.”

  Randy took Denise by the arm and guided her far enough away so that they could whisper without being overheard. Denise raised no objection.

  “You notice anything peculiar about that guy?”Randy whispered.

  Denise snorted out a giggle. “You mean besides the fact that he looks like Tom Jones’s bastard granddaughter?”

  “I think he’s hiding something.”

  “Like a wooly mammoth?”

  “I’m serious, Denise! You remember my cousin Ronnie?”

  “The one with the harelip?”

  Randy nodded. “Cleft lip, but yeah, that’s the one.”

  “What about him?”

  “When we was kids, I used to borrow some of his fantasy novels. I distinctly remember the term Red Robes of Neutrality.”

  Denise looked like she was starting to understand where Randy was going with this. “You think he’s… not from this world?”

  “Maybe.”

  “And that whole Little-Red-Riding-Hood-Big-Bad-Wolf scene was all an act?”

  “Could be.”

  Denise’s eyes went wide as she advanced to the next step. “You don’t think he’s…” She whispered very quietly, “Mordred?”

  “I just don’t know,” said Randy.

  “What do we do?”

  “We proceed with caution and tact. If itis Mordred, we don’t want to let on that we know.”

  Denise nodded. “I’m all over that shit.” Having said that, she disengaged from the conversation and stomped back toward Wister.

  “So, Wister!” Denise spoke as if she were addressing a witness before a jury, exactly the opposite approach of what Randy had had in mind.“If that really is your name.Please tell us more about these Red Robes of Neutrality!”

  “Are you implying I’m not who I say I am?”

  “Oh ho ho! Grandma, what big balls you have! You think you can pull one over on me, son? I’m a cop. I can sniff out a lie faster than you can… I don’t know… roll a…Hit Point or whatever.” Denise had lost a little momentum, but she brushed it off and got right up in Wister’s face. “I know exactly who you are, Mordred!”

  Wister backed up against the tree he’d been hiding from the wolf in. “Please calm yourself. I honestly don’t know what you’re talking about. I know no one of that name.”

  “Let me see if I can’t jog your memory.”

  As Denise cocked her fist back to punch Wister in the face, Wister’s eyes rolled up in his head and he collapsed to a heap at Denise’s feet. Denise, enraged and probably still drunk, followed through with her punch, completely missing Wister’s face, and instead smashing her fist directl
y into the tree trunk.

  “MOTHER FUCKER, that hurt!”

  A stick fell from the tree, bounced off Denise’s head, and landed on the ground next to Wister.

  “Stop!” cried Randy before Denise had a chance to take her anger and frustration out on the stick.

  “What?”

  “That’s no ordinary stick,” said Randy. “Look. It’s polished.” He picked it up. It was crooked and irregular like any branch but its surface was shiny and smooth. “I think it’s some sort of magical wand.”

  Denise massaged her injured hand. “What does it do?”

  Randy shrugged. “Beats me. What do you reckon happened to Wister?”

  “I don’t know,” said Denise. “But I’m gonna check out his junk.” She bent down to pull back his robes.

  “Uh-uh, Denise,” said Randy, stepping between them. “I can’t let you do that.”

  “You’re a goddamn hypocrite, Randy. Do you remember what I hauled you in for.”

  “I ain’tgonna talk about that again. Now help me think. What are we gonna do with him?”

  “This ain’t a head-scratcher, man. We wake his narcoleptic ass up and beat the truth out of him.”

  Randy shook his head. “That don’t sound right to me.”

  “Trust me on this one, Randy. I’m an officer of the law, remember? I’m trained in the art of interrogation.”

  “You beat him hard enough, he’ll tell you whatever he thinks you want to hear. That don’t make it true. We don’t know he’s Mordred. That’s just a theory I pulled out of my ass.”

  “I believe I said it first.”

  “Who gives a shit?” said Randy. “All right, fine. We pulled it out of my ass. Are you happy?”

  “I’ll be happy once I can start my interrogation.”

  “I ain’t letting you beat on him.”

  Denise stood up, looking like she was going to shove Randy, and then thought better of it. “So what do you propose we do, Mr. High and Mighty?”

  “We’ll tie him up and bring him back to the Whore’s Head,” said Randy. “Those other folks got a lot more experience with this game than we do. We can present them with what we know, and what our suspicions are, and we can have a civilized discussion on how to proceed.”