“You don’t have to stay here. You could get hired by another campus in Chico or train on your own. Think of the students the two of us could draw together. We could run our own barn. Together, we could make it big, pull in people wanting to ride roughstock or race barrels. You’ve obviously done well training Eights too. We could market that and have everything we ever dreamed about.”
Her words sparked memories of our time together. We had dreamed. I had invested a lot before she ended it.
She smiled and touched my shoulder. “I can see that you’re thinking about it. That’s all I ask. I’m staying at that panning for gold place just down the road if you want to talk more.”
I held out my arm, escorting her out of my office. Without another word, I walked to my truck, loaded the horses and headed for home.
Chapter Forty-Five
Hope glanced at her watch. Quarter to eight. She’d known Dani’s ex was in town even before Dani had called to say she’d be running late. Halley’s description of their brief conversation and hug by the arena kept her from being able to read her novel. As much as she tried to ignore the passing time, she couldn’t help thinking that if Candy had only come for the horse as Dani had surmised, she would have been home as promised.
Another ten minutes passed before she heard Dani’s truck pull in. Hope sat on the couch waiting for her. She allowed time for unloading the horses, tossing them their feed and even put in time for her brushing them down. Dani stayed at the barn. She grabbed one of Dani’s flannels from the hook by the door and strode out, arms crossed over her chest. In the dark of the barn, she could hardly make out Dani’s form leaning against the stall door. The deep blue of the sky was barely enough to create a silhouette.
They stood without talking, the horses stamping their hooves and grinding their hay the only sounds. Hope leaned her head against Dani’s shoulder. “She’s not here for Eights.”
“No,” Dani answered.
“You still love her.” Hope felt sick saying the words, but Dani wouldn’t have been late, wouldn’t have been standing alone in the barn if it weren’t true.
“We have so much history together. There are things I love about her. She wants to pick up where we left off…”
“And you?” Hope asked. “Is that what you want?”
“She just dropped this bomb on me. I don’t know what to think.”
Hope stepped away from the fence and put her hands in her pockets. Dani’s silence increased the distance between them. Dani wasn’t hers. Hope didn’t know if she’d ever been.
“Hope.” Dani reached for her.
She took Dani into her arms, memorizing the feel of her body flush against her own. She held on with the full circumference of her arms as if by contact alone she could claim her.
“I came out to my class today,” Dani said into Hope’s shoulder.
“I know.”
“Of course. Halley…” Dani stepped away shaking her head. “I love this town. I love…” Her breath caught. “But I don’t know if I belong here where I can’t be myself. It felt so good being who I am, completely, with my students, but at the same time, doing something like that, I worry about how it’s going to affect you.”
“Eventually, wouldn’t we be the lesbian couple that most people know about?”
“I’d like to think that. I like the sound of it a lot, but sometimes… You know what to say, what I want to hear, and I can accept your explanation and logic when you share how difficult it is to unlearn feeling ashamed. I really do. But then your instincts run you in the other direction, and I have to wonder if they always will. You know that I want a family. What am I supposed to do if at your core you feel uncomfortable being with me?”
Hope wanted to argue with her, but she remembered the flash of panic she’d felt when Halley told her that Dani had outed herself to her class, wondering how many people would put that information together with how much time she’d spent with Dani and deduce that they were a couple. She didn’t want people’s eyes on her. She knew what Dani was saying was true, that if they had a family, eyes would always be on them.
“Candy wants to have a baby with you? Here in Quincy?” Hope asked. She felt crushed by the thought of watching Dani and Candy raise a family. She’d wanted to tell Dani about talking to Mrs. Wheeler. She wanted to be able to say that she loved Dani and had learned that love could carry her through the fear, but she couldn’t find the words, and like Dani said, it wasn’t just words she wanted. She wanted Hope to be able to show her commitment through public actions that only came naturally to her in private. She cried as she realized that she hadn’t even acknowledged her relationship with Dani when she was talking to Mrs. Wheeler.
“I don’t know that she can give up the city, but yes, she wants to have a baby. The crazy thing is that I can’t really imagine her with a baby, not like I can picture you. I can see you pregnant and holding a tiny baby. I can see the three of us together, but it’s in a cocoon. I can’t see you explaining your belly as it gets bigger. I can’t see the two of us going to PTA meetings together. I can’t see you and me being a couple together in this town.”
Hope bowed her head with the full weight of how far ahead of her Dani was. She hadn’t visualized having a baby with Dani and what that would be like in private much less out in public. “I didn’t know you were thinking about all that right now.”
“I know.” Dani scrubbed her face with both hands. “I know I get ahead of myself, that I should be able to slow down and enjoy what is growing between us. I love you, Hope. I love so much about you and want everything with you, but what does it say about us that I don’t want to say something like that out loud because it might spook you? I want to be patient and wait for you to feel comfortable, but then I get scared…I wonder… what if that doesn’t happen?”
Grateful for the dark barn, Hope let her tears fall freely. How could she argue with Dani when the same doubts coursed through her own mind? “I thought we were just talking about whether I could tell my dad, but then I hurt you in Bodie. So I thought we were talking about whether I can show you affection in public, and now it’s whether I can have a baby with you. I’m having trouble keeping up.” Hope couldn’t hold back a sob.
Dani reached out and touched her cheek. “I know. I’m sorry. I don’t want to ask too much of you.”
Hope turned away from her touch, wanting it too much. “I want so much with you, but I feel pulled in all directions. If I’m not disappointing you, I’m disappointing my family.” She stepped away. “I have to go.”
“Hope?” Dani’s voice cracked with emotion.
“I don’t know.” Hope answered the question Dani hadn’t asked. She didn’t know how she was or where she was going. She didn’t know what to say or what she could do to be different. She just knew she had to get away from the darkness of the barn.
Head down, she jogged to her car and backed out of the drive and headed for East Quincy, so she wouldn’t have to pass the barn where Dani was on her way out. She couldn’t bear it if Dani tried to stop her. She hung a right on Highway 89 and pulled into the parking lot of the grocery store, trying to gather herself and figure out where she was going. She couldn’t go to Pauline’s. Pauline would be preening on gossip. If it weren’t close to ten, she’d circle back around to Mrs. Wheeler’s house, but she didn’t know her well enough to show up so late unannounced.
When she turned the key in the lock at home, she was surprised to find her sister watching TV in the living room.
Halley’s jaw dropped when she saw Hope. “You are so not here.”
She tried to skulk by to her room, but Halley leapt up, following her upstairs and into her bedroom.
“You really think it’s a good idea to leave Dani alone when her hottie hot ex is in town? Do lesbians have a different code of honor or something?”
Hope dropped to her bed willing herself not to cry in front of her sister.
“Have you been crying? What’s going on, Hope? Is Da
ni going back to her ex?”
“I don’t know,” Hope said honestly.
“Shit.” Halley said, sitting next to her sister. She draped an arm around her shoulder.
“Your pep talk needs work.”
Instead of saying anything, Halley rocked them side-to-side. Hope found the motion strangely soothing and leaned her head down on her sister’s shoulder. Halley reached up and started combing her fingers through Hope’s hair. She closed her eyes and could imagine that it was her mother’s shoulder. “When you said your future sister-in-law… Did you mean that? Could you really see me marrying Dani?”
“You know I still don’t get the whole girl on girl thing, but factor that out, and she’s the most right person for you.”
“You barely know her.”
“But I know you, and since you’ve been with her, you’re totally different. You’re like your own person now, and when’s the last time you had a migraine?”
Hope sat up and stared at her sister who shrugged like her comment was no big deal.
“She’s good for you.”
“But I don’t know if I’m as good for her as this hottie hot ex. I don’t even know how long she’s staying.”
“A bunch of the guys recognized her and asked her if she’d do some bronc riding on campus for us. She said she’d try to talk Dani into it.”
“Don’t you dare like her.”
“No. Not at all. Strictly an educational interest. I will give her stink eye the whole time, I promise. Speaking of stuff happening this weekend…Dad is giving a talk this Sunday. It’d be nice if you could maybe come.”
Hope pursed her lips. “Thanks for letting me know.”
Getting ready for bed, she wondered at the twists and turns of her day that had led her back with her family to hear that her father would be speaking in church. Considering how many months it had been since she’d been home, it felt like a message meant for her.
Chapter Forty-Six
Grateful for the weekend shift she’d picked up to give Halley extra time to study at the end of the semester, Hope kept busy Saturday with the morning and afternoon rushes. Her thoughts only occasionally drifted to wonder if Dani had arranged for Candy to perform rodeo tricks for the students on campus. She was thankful that Candy didn’t choose Cup of Joy for the breakfast shift, but when Michelle relieved her, possibilities for just how Candy had spent her day flooded her brain. It would make sense for Dani and Candy to spend time together. They hadn’t seen each other for nearly a year. They might have met up to talk about old times over breakfast or lunch. If they did, Hope wondered if Dani would tell Candy anything about her.
She sat in her car without direction. She looked at her cell again, though she knew Dani had not called all day. She would not call, Hope reasoned. What could she say that she hadn’t already said?
She would not drive by the ranch looking for an unfamiliar truck in the drive. But she could deliver some chocolate muffins to Mrs. Wheeler. So late in the afternoon, they weren’t likely to sell, and Mrs. Wheeler always enjoyed a treat. If she drove out through East Quincy, she’d pass the Owenses’ place and could just see if Dani’s truck was there. Returning to the car with the packaged muffins, she berated herself for even thinking of taking the more circuitous route. What was meant to happen, would.
When Mrs. Wheeler opened the door, she didn’t look surprised to see Hope. She led the way to the kitchen thanking Hope for thinking of her. “Though I suppose this isn’t really why you’re out here. I’d wager it has more to do with your figuring out why you were so angry about Halley riding that horse.”
Over a pair of muffins, Hope told Mrs. Wheeler about the sister-in-law comment that had thrown her into a tailspin. “Bless your sister,” Mrs. Wheeler said, clearly pleased with Halley. “So much like your mother, that one. I imagine your mother would have liked your Dani.”
Hope tapped the crumbs from her muffin with her index finger, gathering them to deposit in the empty muffin paper. “She’s not mine.”
“Why in the world would you think that?”
“Because the ex-girlfriend she still loves came back offering Dani everything she wants.”
“That can’t be true,” Mrs. Wheeler said.
“Why do you say that?”
“She’s not you,” she answered simply.
“This woman is ready to have a baby with Dani. When Dani asked me if I could see myself being pregnant, all I could think about is how a baby…”
Silence hung between them. Gently, Mrs. Wheeler said, “There’s no going back from that.”
“No. And if I live my life with Dani…” She thought about her family and how grateful she was that they had stood by her when she left the church. But she also remembered how no one had mentioned the church rolls, like a safety net for her soul. She knew that in choosing Dani, in having a family with her, she faced excommunication and lost the reward of seeing her family in the eternities. “I’ll lose my mom,” she finally whispered.
“Horseshit,” Mrs. Wheeler grumped. “Your mother should be the one here to sort this out. You don’t know how many times she sat in that very seat worrying whether she would see her own parents in this afterlife that seems so all-consuming. I’ll tell you what I told her. You’ve got to live life for yourself, not for other people. Just like you, she couldn’t please her parents, and the sacrifice she’d made would rear its ugly head every once in a while, but ultimately, all she could control were her own choices, and she knew what choice was right for her.”
“My mother’s parents died before I was born,” Hope said.
Mrs. Wheeler’s eyes held the truth. “No. Your grandparents chose not to be a part of her life after she converted to marry your father.”
“What does that mean?” Hope asked, surprised.
“They had different plans for their daughter’s life. They were some kind of evangelicals who rejected her for leaving.”
“Because they weren’t allowed to attend the ceremony?”
“No. According to their church, she wasn’t married, and she wasn’t their daughter anymore.” She laughed a little, shaking her head. “Your mom and I used to talk about how similar the two churches were in their rules, their view on things, how each one believed they had the only right answer. So much of it seemed the same to her, and the important part for her was always being the best person she could be.”
“They never reconciled?”
“She said she called and sent birth announcements when you and each of your siblings were born, but they never responded.”
Hope understood because she had feared her father would do the same when she left the church, and still worried that when she told him about Dani, she would lose him. She could imagine her father not wanting to be involved in her life. Would he be a grandfather to a child Dani carried if that’s how her life played out? The way the church viewed her father was important to him. He could very well choose to cut ties from Hope in order to maintain his standing in their ward.
Mrs. Wheeler reached across the table for Hope’s hand. “Your mother chose love, and she lost her family. It was a dear sacrifice for her, but she understood that life is full of sacrifice. And anything good is worth it. Look at the beautiful life she had with your father, the beautiful children she was blessed with. I always admired your mother for trusting love to carry her in the right direction. But she was a fighter, and she knew what was worth fighting for. It took me too long to understand that. I sacrificed love. I wouldn’t do it again.”
Chapter Forty-Seven
I shouldn’t have said yes when Candy suggested I take her out with the horses. Truth be told, I wanted to see Chummy with her bright eyes and wide smile and had a much better time catching up with her than I did with Candy during our awkward ride. Occasionally, I’d have a piece of Quincy trivia to offer, remembering something about the Maidu tribe that had once occupied the valley or pointing out where Daisy had been spooked by a deer or where I’d first seen one of the
bald eagles that nested out by the campus pastures behind the riding arena.
More often, Hope occupied my thoughts. From one lookout on the trail, I could see where Hope, using Mrs. Wheeler’s cereal as bait, had held the mules from running into town. Candy mentioning that she’d found a nice little bar on the main strip of town flooded me with memories of Hope’s hand in mine when I thought it impossible for her heart to be feeling the same thing as mine. The radio in my mind played the songs we’d danced to and the song that was playing when she came back to kiss me.
We had meant to catch up on the ride, but the details Candy shared of the circuit, who had won what purse, who was sleeping with whom, what she hoped to get out of the next show, all washed over me. Where I would have once asked for more detail, I realized how far removed I was from the pace and flash of a life that wasn’t mine anymore.
Of course, Candy was also saying that she was finished with rodeo. This could be her last circuit before she adopted my slower pace. I took in today’s rodeo outfit—her jeans tight as ever and a tailored shirt with some kind of animal print on it. Zebra? Tiger? I couldn’t quite tell, but whatever it was, it sure didn’t make sense to me. She always dressed for the arena, as if she wanted to be prepared in case she was unexpectedly called in. Image was important to her. She’d never liked the fact that I felt more comfortable in my worn work clothes, faded Wranglers and plain tees. Would she change off the circuit, hang around in jeans frayed at the heel, ripping at the inseam from so many hours in the saddle? I already knew there was no chance she’d pick up any of the books I loved. Figuring out the plot or critiquing the conflict would never be our breakfast conversation.
By the time her diesel engine rattled out of the driveway, Chummy leaving too was the only thing that brought me any sadness. Part of me wanted to run up and phone Hope, but I recalled what all we’d said the night before and considered that she might not want to talk to me. After all, she hadn’t called during the day.
The Right Thing Easy Page 24
