by Mj Fields
“No Lieutenant, what you remember, not what you have surmised,” Dr. Neil nodded.
“I remember going for a run on the beach.” Again he glanced at me and quickly away.
“Take a drink, Jax.”
He lifted his left hand, “I can do it, Francesca.”
“I don’t mind at all.” I held it up.
“I have it.”
Jax took the cup and tried to hold it steady. His hand shook and I wrapped mine around it to help him steady it.
He was agitated, but allowed it.
When he finished I took the cup and whispered, “Stubborn as always.”
He scowled at me, and I smiled. His expression changed to confusion and then he looked away.
“I went for a run.” He repeated looking at Dr. Neil.
“And before that?”
“What’s the date?” He was annoyed.
“Please just answer the question.”
“I was at work.” He snapped at her.
“Okay, that’s fair.” She began.
“Shadows, Titan, what’s the fucking date? I can’t remember the fucking date.”
“Answer Docs questions, Irons.” Titans said a little quieter than I was used to.
“How about telling me what the hell happened?” He looked at Dr. Neil.
“You were in an accident. Your left arm and leg are broken. You also had a brain bleed. We fixed it. Now we need to know what other injuries were caused. So if you can tell us what you remember last, it would help us to help you, Lieutenant.”
“I’ve been back for a couple weeks,” he looked at Shadows and Titan. “I went for a run on the beach.” He turned to me, “I saw you.”
He didn’t say anymore and he looked away.
“Alright. Today is June 26th 2014. “
He looked around, “Let me try again.”
“It’s not a test, Lieutenant. I can tell you that with the trauma you went through I am surprised you’re here. I am very surprised you’re talking as well as you are and I will tell you that I believe you may be dealing with retrograde amnesia. The good news is, your memories will come back but they can’t be forced.”
“I want to know what happened.” He looked around.
“You had a fire during training. You were going down and took it down like a pro, a blinded pro at that. You got out and so did your men. One you went back in for, which I can promise you, when you are all healed I am going to kick your fucking ass,” Shadows walked up on the other side of him.
It finally registered that Jax had lost our entire time together. He looked over at me and I looked away.
“You okay, kid? I mean, after Will this must trigger some things.” I looked up at him and then into the warning eyes of Dr. Neil.
“Yeah, sure, Jax. I’m fine.”
“Good.”
He looked back at Shadows, “I’m tired, why don’t you all take off.” Then he looked at me, “Thanks for stopping by kid. It was good to see you again.”
“Jaxson, I’m not leaving,” I told him firmly.
“Yes you are. Get some rest, we’ll catch up when I’m on the mend.”
“When you were in Pensacola, did you have dreams Jax?”
He looked at me oddly.
“Dreams of me?”
“I have no idea what you’re--.”
“Alright, Little Will, let’s take a walk.” Titan grabbed my elbow.
“I am not leaving him.”
I yanked away.
“Francesca, why don’t you go rest for a bit? We need to run a few more tests.” Dr. Neil said to me.
“Fine, I will leave but, Jaxson Irons, those dreams have since become a reality.”
“I have no idea what you are talking about.” My heart stopped briefly.
“Well, how about this? I love you.”
“Alright, Frankie, let’s go,” Titan’s grip tightened and we walked out the door.
As we walked out his parents were walking in, “Let go of me.”
“Don’t cause a scene, Frankie.”
He pulled me into the corridor and walked us quickly down the end into a room.
“You need to listen to Doc.”
“He doesn’t remember me! He doesn’t remember me and I can’t lose him!”
“He’s alive, he woke up, now if he needs time to remember we give it to him. You understand me?”
I sat in the chair, “Don’t leave him in there with them. When he remembers come and get me.”
“Frankie--.”
“No, just go.”
~
It was and hour and a half before Titan came back, “Irons wants to speak to you.”
I jumped up and rushed to the door.
“Hold up. Let me just tell you what’s going down.”
“He can tell me Titan, get out of my way.”
“I’m not the enemy but there is one.”
“I am aware and that’s why he needs me. He needs to know--.”
“His parents called the courthouse, there is no record of your marriage. We think they paid someone off, Frankie. No pictures were taken, it was all hush, hush.”
“We applied for a license. We have that.” I felt bile creeping up from my stomach.
“Then let’s find it. He is extremely agitated, enough so that he asked us all to leave. Right now he’s looking at all of us thinking we are all plotting against him.”
“He said that?”
“Not in so many words. But he told us to get out. Then Doc told us to do the same.”
“But he wants to see me?”
“Yes, but you have to promise you won’t freak out. God willing, he’ll remember.”
“Okay.”
“Okay, what, Frankie?”
“Okay, I will try to help him.”
“Let him ask you questions, don’t push,” he looked at me like Will used to when he thought I was being unreasonable.
“Fine.”
~
I walked in Jax’s room and Dr. Neil was putting something in his IV. She turned and looked at me, “Lieutenant Irons is tired and overwhelmed--.”
“I know.”
“In about twenty minutes he’s going to fall asleep.”
“Okay,” I felt my lip begin to quiver and heat rise in my stomach. I bit my lip to stop its movement.
“I will leave you two alone. Francesca, he needs his rest.”
“Right, I understand. I just want him to get better.”
When she left I stood there. I didn’t know what to say, I couldn’t even look at him. What was he thinking, did the idea if being with me make him angry?
“Francesca, you and I need to have a chat,” I turned slowly and looked at him.
“Okay.”
“Have a seat.” After I sat he tried to push himself up and groaned. I stood and tried to help him, “I’ve got it. Just sit.”
“I want to help you.”
“I’m a big boy, Frankie, and I don’t plan on staying in here for very long.”
“Did Dr. Neil say you could go home soon?”
“No. But I am not gonna lay here with a tube stuck in my dick ‘cause they won’t let me up to use the bathroom and let some nurse give me a sponge bath.”
I couldn’t help but smile, “I understand.”
He finally positioned himself and looked at me. I immediately stopped smiling and he looked at me curiously.
“There is no record of a marriage. So I am going to ask you a few questions.”
“Anything.”
“You tell me the damn truth too, no bullshit. Your brother would never lie to me, so you better give me the same.”
“Jax, ask me,” I felt myself growing antsy and impatient.
“Why would you pretend to be married to me?”
“I’m not pretending.”
“Do you have proof?”
“We applied for a marriage license and a few days later we stood in a circle, surrounded by five people and were married.”
&nb
sp; “Who were the five?”
“My parents, Titan, Shadows, and a man I had never met before married us. The Rev?”
He sat quietly for a moment.
“Are you alright, Jax?”
“No, I’m not alright.”
My heart nearly shattered.
“I’m getting tired.”
“Eighteen minutes. She said you wouldn’t be--.”
“I have no idea what the hell would possess me to do that, Frankie. I have no idea what the hell is going on. I have no idea why the fuck I am here or why I am losing control.”
I wanted to hug him, kiss him, tell him I knew how he felt but all I could say was, “I love you, Jax. I want to help you. I want to tell you everything but--.”
The monitor’s steady beat accelerated and I stopped talking.
“She’s going to come in here and tell me to leave.”
“You love me?” He shook his head no, “I don’t even know you anymore. How can you say that?”
“I won’t say it again if it bothers you.”
“Please don’t.”
And at that moment I felt my world stop spinning.
Chapter 14
Jax
Facing fears
I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t take the arguing between my parents, Shadows and Titan, or Frankie, Will’s kid sister, being here and telling me I had given into an urge I had avoided for three years.
Dr. Neil walked in the room and looked at Frankie, gave her a disappointed look and Frankie looked down.
“Lieutenant, you need to rest. Frankie, I think you should go home and get some sleep.”
She looked up at me with those big brown eyes and fuck if I didn’t feel like Will must have every time he and I left the Cruz home to come back to base.
“Where’s home?” I couldn’t help but ask.
“I don’t know?”
“What do you mean you don’t know?”
“Well, you and I left the cabin two nights ago--.”
“Dr. give us a minute.” She just stood with her arms crossed. “I asked for a minute.”
She shook her head, “You have five, that’s it.”
As soon as she left I asked Frankie, “What do you know about the damn cabin?”
“Jax, I don’t want to--.”
“Where are your parents?”
“Atlantic Ave.”
“My house?”
“Yes.” Again she turned away.
“I’m not trying to hurt your feelings.”
“I know that, you wouldn’t do that.”
I was getting tired quickly. “I’m going to fall asleep.”
“You need your rest.”
“Do you have a ride?”
She didn’t answer.
“Frankie, do you have a ride?”
“I don’t want to leave you.”
My eyelids grew heavy, “It’s time to sleep. I will contact you at some point.”
My eyes closed, I tried to keep them open but I couldn’t. I felt soft lips on my cheek and then what I assumed was a tear.
~
When I woke this time it was to blood being drawn. I opened my eyes and saw Shadows sitting next to my mother and my first thought was of Will’s kid sister, and the fact that if we had secretly gotten married, why?
“If I did get married to Francesca, why was it a secret?”
Shadows and my mother both turned to me, “Morning Irons, you feeling any better?”
“I asked a question.”
“I don’t have an answer for you right now.” He looked at me. He was hiding something. The slight shift in his glance towards my mother indicated she was the reason.
“Mother?”
“Jaxson, you need to try to stay calm.”
“How many conversations did you and I have about Francesca Cruz?”
“A couple, but not nearly as many as we had about Mimi Deveroux,” she stood and walked towards me. “Do a Google search of your name and look at what comes up.”
I glanced at Shadows and he rolled his eyes.
She was right, Mimi and I apparently had gone out several times, “Fundraising for your father’s campaign plans. Your father has thrown his hat in, Jaxson, it’s only a matter of time before you are doing the same, just like we have always planned.”
I looked over to Shadows again and he was looking at the floor.
My blood boiled and the pain intensified. “Out. I want every one out.”
“Jaxson--.”
“No, Mother, I want you to leave. I am missing weeks of my life and get no answers. Neither one of you cares to be honest with me,” I hit the call button. “So leave.”
The nurse had given me pain meds. I couldn’t wait to fall asleep. I was angry, overwhelmed, and on a scale of one to ten my pain was an eleven. All of these things were feelings.
Feelings are weakness.
~
I woke to my heart racing and my head pounding. The same fucking dream every time. Francesca. Her kiss by the tire swing and my inability to stop it. My hands holding her head as I kissed her hard and deep. The need to take her overwhelming my restraint and sometimes I couldn’t stop it. Those days were hard. Those days I was angry.
After three days I had raised enough hell and made enough progress that I was released. I had to agree to a home health provider to check in every other day and I did so reluctantly.
Shadows and Titan never left the hospital the entire time but they did leave me alone.
Once out of the fucking wheel chair and into the car Shadows looked at me, “You ready to head home?”
“Yes, get me as far away from this place as you can.”
“You ready for some real food, man?”
“Yeah,” I looked out of the window and up into the sky. The sun was bright and the sky was nearly clear, but inside a gray cloud hovered over everything. Nothing was right. Everything felt like it was tilted on its side.
Physically I was very uncomfortable. The pain was intense and the doctor had warned me it would get worse before it got better. I assured her I would be fine. Titan had gone to fill my prescriptions and I would be glad that in two hours I could take something to dull the pain and knock me out. I had been sleeping a lot. I was hoping that in my sleep I would dream, that I would remember, and that all these fucking feelings would go to hell.
“I don’t need a fucking wheelchair, Shadows,” I snapped when he opened my car door.
“Well tough shit.” He pushed the chair in front of me and then started to laugh.
“What the hell is so funny, Shadows?”
“I get to push you around for once.”
I sat in the damn chair and only then did I see Rosa and William’s car in the driveway.
I took a deep breath, and looked at Shadows.
“You okay, man?” He asked as he pushed me towards the door.
“How are they? I haven’t seen them since the…” I paused.
“No one is pushing you, man. You’ll get it back, Dr. Neil is sure you will. Everything is healing up nicely in that inflated head of yours.”
“Can’t ease up on me can you?”
“Hell no,” he laughed.
The door opened and Rosa stood in front of me, “Thank God you’re alright.”
“Mrs. Cruz,” I nodded.
She gave me a smile, one that showed she felt sorry for me. I knew it was genuine. The Cruz’s had been more of a family to me than my own.
“Rosa, Jaxson.”
“Rosa, thank you for coming.”
She stepped out of the way, holding the door open as Shadow pushed me in.
I saw suitcases by the doorway.
“We were just waiting for you to get home so we could see for our own eyes you were alright,” William stuck out his hand.
“I appreciate it.” I shook his hand.
“We’re going to head out. If you need anything we are only three hours away.”
Rosa bent down and kissed the top of my head
as William carried out the suitcases. “Rest, that’ll help you heal faster.”
“I will, drive safe.”
I looked up as Frankie walked out of the bathroom, her smile was forced and faded quickly. She started to walk by and put her hand on my shoulder, “If you need anything--.”
“Wait a minute, girl. Where do you think you’re going?” Shadows asked.
“With them. They think it’s best--.”
“I’m not taking care of his sorry ass twenty four seven,” he laughed.
“I can take care of myself just fine, Shadows.”
“I know you can, you just don’t have to anymore.” She gave my shoulder a little squeeze.
Glancing at her hand I saw a bandage, “You hurt yourself?”
“Of course not,” she pulled her hand quickly away and walked to the door. Shadows followed her out.
I got up and hopped to the couch. Every part of my body hurt and something else felt off. Tilted. I didn’t understand it but right now I just wanted to sleep.
~
I woke to the sound of the TV and a dark room. I was laying on the couch and everything was throbbing. I tried to sit up and then I heard her, “Jax, do you need something?”
My head was foggy, I looked around until I finally focused on Frankie who was standing up and folding the blanket she had on her lap.
“Where are the guys?”
“They had some things to take care of,” she said as she walked out into the kitchen and turned on the light over the stove.
“I thought you went home?”
“Yeah, well, I was headed that way.” She pulled some pill bottles out of a bag and read them.
“Don’t let me stop you.”
She looked up at me and blinked a few times then looked back down and opened them. She put some pills in a little plastic cup. Then she pulled a plate out of the microwave, uncovered it, and put it in the microwave. Two minutes went by without a word said. When the microwave beeped signaling the plate was heated, she grabbed a bottle of water from the refrigerator and placed everything on a tray and walked over to me.
“I’m really not that hungry, but I will take the meds.”
“You can’t. It says take with food.”
She set the plate in front of me and took the meds.
“Really?”
“Jax, I don’t wanna fight with you. Please just eat a little bit before you take the pills.”
