This Christmas

by Olivia Miles

  “I’m running an errand,” she told her sister. “Mind watching Phoebe?”

  Jules’s eyes widened and she seemed pleased at the request. “Not at all! And no need to rush back. I’ve got everything covered.”

  Tess held back her thoughts to that remark. After all, Jules had no experience with children, and she was practically one herself, still living in a post-college apartment, still not committed to a job. But Phoebe was a responsible girl, and, probably because of the way Tess had raised her, a rule monger. No doubt she’d keep Jules in line, Tess thought with a little smile.

  She put back on her coat and boots, but the cold still clung to them and they didn’t bring much warmth. She pulled the covered tray of cupcakes she’d made yesterday from the counter, deciding that she could always make more later, and probably would, given all the pent-up energy she had with her sisters being here. Besides, it was something to do, something other than sit around with Carrie and Jules and talk about feelings, or the past, which was what they seemed determined to do.

  Preston’s wasn’t technically open until lunchtime, but Tess knew that Jeff would be there. He was always there. His apartment was just upstairs from it, accessible from a separate entrance, not that she’d ever been inside. He’d lived there since he took over the place, right after college. More recently, right after Phoebe was born, he had closed the place for a two-month renovation, and revamped the menu while he was at it. She and Andrew had hired a babysitter for the night of the restaurant’s grand reopening. Tess could still remember feeling nervous and anxious about leaving her baby home, kept checking her phone, fighting the urge to call and check in. She’d left her with a sitter, an honor roll student that Natalie swore by, even though her mother had offered to take Phoebe for the night. It was a gesture of good will, and Phoebe did tend to bring out the better side of Barb Campbell, but Tess also knew that the dark moods could creep up just as quickly, and then her mother couldn’t even be counted on to show up on time. Tess had fretted all night, hoping that the girl she’d handed over her precious baby to wouldn’t do something like slip down the stairs or drop Phoebe on her head. Really, wasn’t she being selfish to even leave her at such a young age? Andrew had told her to relax, that she was in good hands, and Tess had envied him for his calm demeanor, his belief that everything was going to be okay.

  Now she longed to hear him reassure her, just one more time. Would Phoebe be okay? Would she be okay? Half the time, she didn’t know the answer to that. Each day brought new emotions, and just when she thought she was turning a corner…

  Christmas came along.

  Tess hoped the walk to town would clear her head. When she approached Main Street, she looked up, took in the shops and the people, the lights that seemed to frame every window, and the windows that were full of seasonal displays—snowmen and snowflakes and presents and angels. She idly wondered where Carrie had gone, thought about seeking her out in the coffee shop or bakery down the street, but decided against it. She had a lot to say to Carrie, but she couldn’t pinpoint where to start. Until then, it was better to say nothing at all.

  The door to the restaurant was locked, as she expected, but one glance in the window showed Jeff behind the bar, straightening glasses. Tess tapped on it lightly, catching his attention, and then smiled when his expression lifted into one of surprise.

  He held up a hand, his grin wide, and he disappeared out of view before reappearing at the now open door.

  “To what do I owe the honor?”

  She felt instantly better as she followed him into the warm restaurant. It was different here at this time of day. Quiet. Still. Lacking the usual bustle that she’d come to know. The fire in the hearth had not been lit and the Christmas lights hadn’t been plugged in. There was no music spilling from the speakers, reminding her what time of year it was. It was calm and subdued and exactly what she needed right now.

  “I brought you these,” she said, handing over the tray. “As a thank you, for helping with the tree.”

  Jeff’s eyes gleamed as he looked down at the cupcakes. “I would say you shouldn’t have, but these are just too good to resist.” He grinned at her. His deep eyes were crinkled at the corners and his smile was familiar and warm, and she smiled back, a smile that relaxed all the tension in her chest and filled her with something else. Something better. Something happier.

  He offered her one but she held up a hand. “I’ve eaten enough cupcakes to last a lifetime.”

  “Coffee then?”

  She nodded and waited as he poured them each a mug and then came around the bar to sit beside her. She was immediately aware of his presence, his size, the smell of his freshly washed hair. And his warmth. She felt at ease, but there was something else, something that she wasn’t quite sure should be there—a stir in her stomach. A flick of her pulse.

  She reached for the cream and sugar. Slid him the container of cupcakes. She watched as he picked up the one closest and took a large bite.

  “You could sell these, you know,” he remarked, when he was done chewing.

  “Ha.” Tess brushed away the compliment, taking it for what it was. “Maybe at a school bake sale. Come to think of it, they do tend to sell better than the gluten-free, sugar-free, dairy-free, carb-free cookies that Phoebe’s friend Lulu’s mother makes.” She grinned.

  “I’m serious,” Jeff said. “These are really good.”

  “It’s just a family recipe I’ve tweaked over the years. One of the only good things I took with me from my childhood.” She glanced at him, chastising herself for bringing it up and darkening her mood. She was here for some cheering up, not to think about things that bothered her. “Sorry. I promise I didn’t come here to bog you down with my problems.”

  “That’s what I’m here for,” Jeff said, pushing the tray of cupcakes to the side, and turned to face her head-on. He was so close that she could smell the musk of his cologne, see the fine lines around his eyes that only gave him character. Her heart raced.

  “Please,” she said, looking away. “You’re a single guy. Surely you have better things to do Christmas week than listen to a widow’s problems.”

  “Not really,” he said, and they both laughed. He leaned back in his chair. “You know me. This is where I’m happy. And for what it’s worth, I don’t pity you. I care about you.”

  She slanted a glance at him. “Thanks. Wish you’d tell my sisters that. All they do is pity me.”

  He lifted an eyebrow. “Visit isn’t going well, I take it?”

  Tess wrapped her hands around the mug, feeling the heat from the coffee warm her palms. “Let’s say it’s bordering on disastrous but not yet catastrophic.”

  Jeff laughed again. “And here you thought this would be the worst Christmas ever. Sounds like you’ve managed to outdo yourself.”

  “I feel guilty,” she said, admitting the horrible, honest truth that she didn’t even want to admit to herself. “I know that Andrew would have wanted Phoebe to have a nice Christmas, but it doesn’t seem right to be celebrating when he isn’t here.”

  “Andrew would want Phoebe to have a nice Christmas,” Jeff agreed. He gave her a sad smile. “But he’d want you to have a nice holiday, too.”

  “You sound so sure,” Tess said, searching his face.

  “Because I am sure,” Jeff said. “You may have been married to him, but I knew him long before you. He loved you and Phoebe and he would only want what was best for you.”

  “It seems that everyone thinks what’s best for me is to have a house full of lights and music,” Tess grumbled.

  “Maybe they don’t know what else to do,” Jeff pointed out.

  Tess thought about this for a minute. It was childish, really, not different than the cards that Phoebe made her at school and joyfully presented to her at the end of the day, all in an obvious effort to see Tess smile.

  No different than the cupcakes Tess used to make for her mother, right up until the moment that she was gone.

 
They were trying. But it was too little too late for Carrie.

  “You only get one Christmas a year,” Jeff said. “May as well make the most of it.”

  “Says the man with no tree,” Tess reminded him.

  “What can I say?” Jeff grinned. “Andrew always said I was in dire need of a woman’s touch.”

  “Probably because he appreciated my cooking so much,” Tess laughed. “Fortunately, you’ve got that area covered.”

  “I do.” Jeff smiled into the distance. “I remember the night that Andrew told me he was going to ask you to marry him. Did I ever tell you this story?” His eyes hooked on hers, and she couldn’t look away, even though she wanted to.

  Tess felt a chill run down her skin, even though she was still bundled in her coat and scarf. She hadn’t even removed her gloves.

  “No.” Her voice came out strangled, like she wasn’t sure if she was ready to hear it, or savor it. A piece of Andrew’s life—of their life—that she hadn’t yet heard. A new story, not just an old memory. It made him feel alive again. And it made her miss him. Terribly.

  “You’d only been dating for oh…six, seven years?” Jeff cocked an eyebrow. “He had the ring all picked out, sure that you would like it, and he took me to see it, to get my approval.”

  Tess ran her thumb over the back of the rings she still wore, under her glove. Each time her finger brushed the metal, she felt assured, and relieved. That a part of what they had was still with her.

  “It’s a beautiful ring,” Tess said. She adored it. A brilliant cut stone on a thin band covered with more tiny diamonds. Carrie admired it every time she saw it, and the last time she’d seen her she’d said she hoped Lucas would give her one just like it.

  “It is,” Jeff said slowly, “only it’s not the one that Andrew originally chose.”

  Tess’s heart began to pound, and for some reason, she felt anxious, not pleased. This wasn’t the memory she’d stowed away. This wasn’t their history as she knew it. “What do you mean?”

  “He had picked out something old fashioned. Something that resembled what his mother wore.” Jeff leaned forward in his chair and whispered, “Ugly.”

  Tess merely blinked at him. If the ring on her finger was not the one that Andrew had chosen, then who had?

  She swallowed hard. Jeff. Jeff had chosen her ring.

  “I didn’t know what to say, honestly. I mean, I could have said nothing, let him go through with the purchase, but…I wanted that engagement to be special. I wanted it to be a success.”

  “I would have loved whatever he gave me.” Tess felt her defenses rise.

  “Oh I know!” Jeff gave her a knowing smile. “But I had to help the guy out. When he finally proposed, he took me out for a beer to thank me. Said he’d never seen you so happy. The truth was that I’d never seen him so happy.”

  Tess didn’t know what to think about any of this. She’d always assumed that Andrew knew her so well, right down to buying the exact style of ring she would have picked for herself, and she hadn’t even needed to drop any hints! But now…now she wondered what else she didn’t know, what other stories hadn’t been shared.

  “I suppose I owe you another batch of cupcakes then,” Tess said, trying to keep her tone light. “For guiding Andrew in the right direction.”

  “He would have figured it out on his own eventually,” Jeff said. “He knew what he was doing. He chose you, didn’t he?”

  They locked eyes for a minute and Tess finally broke away. When he put it like that, she didn’t need to worry that there was a part of her husband she hadn’t known or that he didn’t understand her as much as she’d thought. He was a good man. And he’d surrounded himself with good people.

  “I’m lucky to have you in my life, Jeff,” she said. Cupcakes hardly communicated the gratitude that she felt.

  “I feel the same way,” Jeff said, reaching out to swipe another cupcake.

  “Not everyone seems to share that sentiment,” Tess said, raising an eyebrow. “You saw how Trudy was at the tree lot over the weekend. It was like she was judging us or something.”

  Jeff waved a hand through the air. “Oh, ignore her. She’s reading into things.”

  Tess nodded, but she wasn’t so sure that was the case at all. Was Trudy Flannigan just reading into things, or was there more going on between her and Jeff than either of them had dared to voice?

  She shook away that thought as quickly as it had formed. Jeff was right. Andrew would want to know that she was happy. That Phoebe was happy. And that his oldest friend was happy.

  She wasn’t happy. How could she be? But for now, for this reprieve in a closed restaurant in the center of town with the snow falling outside and the radiator warm and steady inside, she was hopeful that someday she would be.

  “I miss him,” she said softly. She couldn’t look at Jeff for fear that the tears might start to flow and never stop.

  Instead, she took a sip of her coffee. Her throat was tight. She blinked rapidly.

  After a long silence, Jeff said gruffly, “Me too, Tess. Every damn day.”

  They sat like that for a moment. No need to say anything.

  “You coming to the Ice Fest?” Jeff asked when Tess finally stood up. He pushed back his own chair, so he was standing right in front of her. He was taller than Andrew, and more solid, too. Of course, being a confirmed bachelor meant that he devoted himself in equal measure to his career and working out, she knew.

  Still, she took a step back, creating some healthy distance.

  “I hadn’t thought of it…” If anything, she’d purposefully tried to forget about the Ice Fest and hoped that those around her would too. Growing up, it had been one of her favorite days of the year, and she’d been sure to carry on the tradition with Phoebe. She and Andrew would bundle her up, set her on the sled, and walk to the lakefront where the festivities were held: a skating show put on by the local children, followed by skating races, a hockey game that tended to get a little too competitive, and of course, the ever popular ice-sculpting contest. Phoebe had even had her first taste of hot cocoa at the Ice Fest. Tess had a photo to prove it.

  To remember it by.

  “Phoebe would like it,” Jeff pointed out, and she knew he wasn’t trying to guilt trip her, just…encourage her.

  She nodded, decision made. “I’ll come.” One more night to push through. What was one more night? Besides, it would beat sitting around the house with her sisters.

  He looked surprised, as if he hadn’t expected that answer at all. “That’s great. So, I’ll see you tomorrow night then.”

  “You don’t have to work?” she asked, looking at him quizzically.

  “I do get some time off, you know.” He laughed. “I have some perks to owning the place.”

  Yes, she supposed he did, she thought as she pushed back out into the chilly air. The lights glowed from inside storefronts and she thought about walking into some of the shops, looking for gifts for Carrie and Jules. She’d been secretly planning to mail Jules a gift card this year. Out of character and a bit lazy, but probably what Jules would have preferred to the more thoughtful gifts that Tess used to labor over in previous years.

  Her phone pinged and she stopped walking, her heart speeding up when she remembered the job interview, the news she had been waiting for.

  Carefully she pulled her phone out of her pocket and looked at the screen. An email. From the twenty-four-year-old who had popped gum all through their interview and had blue painted nail polish.

  An email from the girl who Tess now desperately hoped would be her new boss. She could do it. Be an assistant to a woman who only seemed to rival Jules when it came to maturity.

  But just as much as she had wanted the job, now she feared it. A job meant more change. It meant less time off, and after care hours for Phoebe. But it meant financial security, too. And structure. A purpose to her day.

  She pulled in a breath and tapped on the screen. The email filled her screen before she wa
s fully prepared and her eyes scanned the words, barely digesting a single, full sentence.

  Still, the message couldn’t have been clearer.

  Another candidate had been chosen. A more qualified candidate, specifically.

  Tess felt her cheeks grow hot despite the fact that she was standing outside on a cold, winter day. She thrust the phone back into her pocket and turned in the direction of home.

  A more qualified candidate. She didn’t even know why she should be surprised. After all, she wasn’t an office worker. She was a mother. And, up until recently, a wife.

  And the only other thing she was any good at was baking cupcakes.

  And worrying, she thought, as she began the slow walk back to her house. All around her, shoppers bustled, people brushed past in a hurry, their shopping bags bursting with last-minute gifts. Some she recognized and managed a cheerful sounding, “Happy Holidays” even if there was nothing happy about it.

  From inside stores she passed, she could hear the sound of music. The squeals of children playing in the snow in the town square. There was an electricity to the air that usually thrilled her, lifted her spirits. A sense of hope.

  But she didn’t know what to hope for anymore. She only knew that this Christmas couldn’t be over with soon enough.

  Chapter Twelve

  Jules

  If there was one thing that Jules had no interest in, now, or ever, it was cooking. She’d never been taught, either by her mother or Tess, who took on the brunt of that responsibility once she was around twelve, maybe even younger. Jules remembered looking forward to those meals her sister made, finding Tess a much more competent cook than their mother, who sometimes didn’t cook the pasta all the way, or cooked it for too long, letting the water boil until it was gone, and all that remained was a soggy mess, or didn’t realize until it was ready that there was nothing for sauce. Tess was different. She planned things out. Put thought into each meal, even pride. When Jules or Carrie said they liked something, Tess would beam. And when they didn’t like something, they both still said they did, because they didn’t want to hurt her feelings.